aftermath of a short term relationship..please help!

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm a girl, and I was seeing a guy for a few months. We got on SO well.. other people (friends and strangers) would comment on how suited we were for each other. Then he started acting strange.. and he finally broke up with me.

I have come to the conclusion that he was cheating on me... and I think sub-consciously there were red flags going off in my head.. but again.. I just felt that we get on so well.. and that there was no need to doubt him..

Anyway, I was out one night weeks after break-up and one of my exs friends called me a slut.. granted I was talking to a guy at the time.. but it was just that..

Now, I am assuming that my ex was speaking to his friend and he must have said some nasty things about me.

What I want to know is... why couldn't my ex just have said to his friends.. "we broke up, it wasn't working out".. why did he have to make up things about me that were not true?

Granted, I don't know this for sure- but why would a guy call me a slut for no reason at all?

Princess Peach

Right you have two issues here that are similar to my situation! I can't speculate on your ex but I'll tell you my experience.

I was with my boyfriend a while when he broke up with me out of the blue. I never had any thoughts of him cheating on me. I realise now that the reason he didn't give a good reason for the breakup or explain it is because he was just to cowardly and didn't respect my feeling enough to have the proper break up talk. Just because you didn't get an explanation for the breakup, if you have no other reason to suspect cheating, that isn't a reason to assume he was.

And the friend thing. I still don't know what my ex told his friends about why we broke up, I doubt he told them that he just broke up with me with no warning and that I was under the impression that everything was fine until he dumped me, I'm sure he painted himself in a better light. But one of his best friends was very mean to me after the breakup, making snide comments online and ignoring me in public and he once passed a comment that I was sure meant that my ex had been talking about our sex life. I asked my ex sometime after and he assured me that he never did such a thing, and I believe him. His friend is just a bad person. I know you did nothing wrong here, but some people just turn on friend's ex's because they are mean. So don't let this friend's opinion of you affect you in anyway, obviously just a mean, stupid person. If you don't have proof of your ex saying things about you, don't assume he is.

Not sure if you are still in contact with your ex. Don't go out of your way to ask him anything, but maybe if you see him, say to him casually about what the friend said and make sure he is respectful of your time together when talking about it. But don't go out of your way to say this to him.

Just try and out these things out of your mind and move on!

inmyday

Say it to your ex, ask why is his friend being so mean for no reason...
Im guessing he had a few drinks on him. Also he could just be an asshole.

Have a chat with the ex, ask him did he say anything about you to his friends.

LegacyUser

I'm assuming he was cheating on me.. due to his actions during out relationship. Cannot believe I didn't add it all together properly at the time..I guess it's because I trusted him.

I'm not sure if I would go up talking to him. I think the best thing would be to stay away from him. I think if I did ask him about it.. he would lie anyway..

Seeing as he lied to me when we are going out.. I wouldn't expect anything else now..

Princess Peach

That sound like the best plan. If your broken up now, then just try and put it out of your mind and move on!

dellas1979

The man is a coward. You are best to leave it.

But

If this does come up again, I would confront the person who says it to you (not your ex).

I imagine you were probably pretty stunned when that person said it, but I would have asked them why, or at least make them feel ****ty about saying that.

LegacyUser

Which man is a coward?

Yep, I was shocked when he said it alright.. especially when he nor my ex had any reason to call me names or bad mouth me. I'm the one that has plenty to say about him..but I'm not going to.

dellas1979

Well both of the men seem like cowards.
Stay well away, but be prepared in case something like this happens again. If he has told one person, he might have told others. Thats why Im saying be prepared to have a word in case it happens again.

merlie

Hi op,

I really think you should stay away from the guy. His friend sounds charming!! If you figure out that your ex may have been cheating on you, then it would be hard for you to trust this guy in anything he says or does.

I think your best plan is to move on and forget him. It is his loss and I would not dwell on what has happened or not.

Move on.

LighterGuy

I've seen people who were just out of relationships slate their ex making lies or manipulating truths.
One of the best ones i've ever seen is a girl who cheated on a guy. But when her friends asked how come she was away from him she said "oh he is just so parnanoid couldnt take it anymore" But she actually cheated! :rolleyes:

There has been quite a few threads on here about ex's making lies and friends believing them. I reckon this is the case here.
I wouldnt be suprised (after reading what you said) that he either just wanted to break up cause he was stringing you along, cheated or met someone else. But of course when the mates ask "why?" - to some people they dont ever want to be the bad guy. Its much easier to put the ex in a bad light :rolleyes:

Overheal

You'd first need to figure out why you were called a slut, with many possible conclusions it's hard to jump to any particular one. I take it you in this ex are far from speaking terms if you're forced to draw your own theories. I think all you can do is either talk to him; ignore the remarks; or follow them to their source. If there really are baseless rumours flying around about you, it could be defammation. And for that matter, if you do decide to badmouth your ex, don't lie. The preferred course of action is of course to ignore it, and don't lower yourself to it.

LegacyUser

I just feel so upset over it all. It's really getting me down. I'm so annoyed at myself for not analysing his actions more. I wish I broke up with him. It's just that we got on so well and I guess thats why I didn't call it a day. I liked him.. alot. I trusted him.

I'm also upset that he was playing mind games with me and telling lies while we were going out and then to tell more lies about me after finishing with me.

I find it so hard to go out at home now as I feel that people are gossiping about me. I see his friends out and they are a constant reminder of him. I put on a brave front and said hello to his friends, only to get called a slut.

I'm just so sick of it all.

I've always been a sociable, kind, bubbly person. Now, I just feel like a big cynic and I hate it. I hate the way I've been made feel like I was the bad person in the relationship.. when I wasn't at all. I think I was too kind to him..

I want to move on.. but I keep seeing him and/or his friends out.

HellFireClub

I think your making a mistake by giving either of them any headspace. Forget them, meet someone else, these things only bother you when you are single, hook up with someone more credible and before you know it, the pair of them will be a distant memory, you'll struggle to remember your mans name.

LighterGuy

Op,
I know what you are feeling. You feel like a fool for not coming down on things. Things that looking back were clear as day. We've all been there. Analysing someones actions and being able to come down on them is just learned from experience. Sadly we need someone to be cruel to us to learn.

And ingore his friends. One called you a sl*t. Its safe to assume at least a few of his friends probably think the same, the same people you are saying hi to. Just blank them.

JonathanAnon

As a guy, for him to pro-actively go up to you and call you a "slut", your ex must have told his friend that you cheated on him or did something awful to him... I think you should have confronted the friend and asked him exactly what he means, cos there is either a lie or a miscommunication behind it .. And he has probably told the same thing to ALL his friends and relations.. You need to find out what he told them, as he could be engaged in a character assassination to suit his own agenda..

It would take something REEALLY awful for me to approach one of my friend's exes and call her a "slut"..

LegacyUser

and what about him.. do I ignore him and his family too? I don't feel like greeting them/him.. after all that has happened.. but I don't want to come across as being sore.. which is why I was saying hello to them before this..
Then again... should I really care what they think about me at this stage?

He did me a favour by breaking up with me. So, I'm not sore about breaking up with him.. I'm just hurt after realising the way he was treating me and the lies he told both to me and to his friends.. but of course he/ his friends won't see it like that..

I genuinly did nothing to him/ his friends for him to come up and say something like that to me. I guess its the price you pay for being too trusting and kind.

It's awful tho, we got on so well...and maybe thats why he had to tell his friends lies about breaking up with me rather than saying he was seeing someone else/stringing me along?? ugh, I duno..

ya, it really was a tough lesson for me. I am relatively new to the game.. so I guess I'm glad that I'm learning it now rather than later.

LighterGuy

I wouldnt bother talking to anyone associated. He has spread lies to his friends... So pretty much anyone on his side would of heard that sh*t. And you know yourself when it comes to believing things - people sooner believe the badness in someone than give the benefit of the doubt.

You could just confront him but expect a big "i dont know, i didnt say anything bad about you!" from him :rolleyes:

Chalk it up to experience

Overheal

So if you're saying hello and stuff to him why not just sit down and talk to him? If he tries to lie: so what. You'll at least be ready and know he's lying, and it will give you a bit of closure.