Alcoholism

LegacyUser

Hi

I am in my mid thirties. I am a child of an alcoholic father. It is really only in the last few years that I realise the devastating effects his drinking and behaviour has had on me and my siblings. From when I was born into my teens we lived with this. He stopped for about 10 years then restarted again leading to family separation. I know I haven`t even begun to deal with the effects of all of this.

We have all sought help for him, even signed him in many times, (I don`t think we can legally sign him in for treatment anymore against his will unless he is willing to go, can someone clarify this??). He is staying with another lady, which isn`t a problem, but his drinking is as bad as ever. My brother just rang me today asking what to do if she throws him out. I am after telling him that unless he is willing to go for treatment there is nothing my brother can do, sounds horrible but what can we do we go through this constant. I think once it was he that was willing to go for treatment but the rest of the time it was as a result of pressure. We constantly get it from relations about him and getting him help. But they don`t seem to understand how difficult this is as he doesn`t seem willing to go for help. We have been down this road many, many times and it has failed.

I can only see 2 ways around this, he either accepts help /is willing to get treatment or we will end up burying him. I firmly believe at this stage that the second way is looking more likely.

This sounds awful but I have begun to give up on him and have told my brother if my father is sober we will gladly visit with him or help him, but if not we`ll just have to cut ties until he is willing to do so.

Alcoholism is really horrible not just for the addict but for the addicts family!

Am I wrong to want to detach completely and let him go with God, I have no answers for this anymore, Christ i am 35 now and have lived with this so long and am mentally drained from it at this stage??

I think, like a previous poster, that he unhelpable at this stage.

alex73

Am I wrong to feel this way?? wrote: »

Am I wrong to want to detach completely and let him go with God, I have no answers for this anymore, Christ i am 35 now and have lived with this so long and am mentally drained from it at this stage??

I think, like a previous poster, that he unhelpable at this stage.

I grew up with an Alcoholic father. Totally and utterly destroyed my whole childhood. We had a farm, and my father would drink every last penny. Poor mum had a tough time trying to feed us and cope with him. Literally he would take the money destined to feed us and drink it. He had tabs all over, after a while no pub would serve him until he paid.

Remember going hungry for years in secondary school. We never ever had any type of holiday (except when an aunt or uncle would take us for a weekend). My Father sister was a saint and she helped us as much as possible.

For me my father (who is still alive..) is there, but I don't care or love him. I understand his addiction, its a sickness, but that does not take away the hurt.

There is nothing you can do for an Alcoholic, they drain you emotionally and financially, The person you know is gone and "Johnny walker" takes over.

My Father while he was sober was worst than when he was drunk. All he would do would be annoy my mother to get the little money she had. I think in 30 years he was sober for 14 days.

I would never ever look after my father, I know its cruel, but I can't face the effects of alcoholism anymore.

There are many ruined families in Ireland because of Drink.. What I find most alarming is to see generation that sees alcohol abuse a nearly normal.

Taltos

Am I wrong to feel this way?? wrote: »

Am I wrong to want to detach completely and let him go with God, I have no answers for this anymore, Christ i am 35 now and have lived with this so long and am mentally drained from it at this stage??.

Going to suggest this be split out as a sep thread.

2nd OP - as I said above - there comes a point where you just have to accept that the alcoholic is not willing / able to change - and to protect yourself separation is the best choice in a bag full of snakes.

Try not to let the guilt overwhelm you - but you have to say - enough is enough and mean it.

Ickle Magoo

hi Am I wrong to feel this way??,

Given you your own thread so the other thread is left for advice for the person that started it.

Best of luck

Ickle

FoxT

Op, first off, I am sorry that you are in this situation. It sounds like you have had an unhappy childhood, and now, after trying everything you can, you are stuck. You are mentally drained. It also sounds like you want to distance yourself from the situation, that there is nothing further you can do, but you are afraid to disengage in case your father dies as a result of his alcoholism.

My mother became an alcoholic after my siblings & I had grown up & left the nest. As a family we tried lots of things to encourage/support/make her to stop drinking.We worked hard at it, to no avail.

I attended al-anon meetings for a while, to try learn how other family members of alcoholics coped. I learnt that there is nothing that can be done as long as the alcoholic is determined to continue drinking.

After a lot of time & energy spent trying to help her quit drinking, I had a think.

- I felt that there was nothing further that I could do to help my mother, and that deep down she had made her mind up to continue drinking, even if it meant losing almost all contact with her children & grandchildren.

- I asked myself "If she died in the morning, is there anything that I did not do, that I wish I had done, for her sake". I made a short list. I did what was on the list.

Nothing changed. I accepted that my mother had made a decision about her drinking & there was nothing further I could do.


Ultimately, I felt sorry for my mother, who had clearly decided that the only way she could deal with her life was to drink. My relationship with her died slowly, over a period of years, to the point that when she finally died of liver failure I just pitied her. She was just 60 years old.

To this day, I feel no guilt. Sometimes I look at my kids & wish they had a granny - ( when she was sober mum was fantastic, with all of us).
I don't hate my mother & am no longer angry with her.

I am afraid I am not qualified to offer you any advice. Every individual & family situation is unique, but I hope that you find the above useful in some way.

Best of luck.

calculator

I am in a very similar situation to you and in the last year have completely given up on my father. All I can say to you his that his mistakes are his own and you need to put yourself first. It is extremely difficult, don't get me wrong, but he will only end up dragging you and your siblings down with him. He has made his own choices in life and will have to live with the conseqeunces.
You should try counselling to deal with the emotional impact of this and in time you will get through it and accept it and move on with your own life.
Best of luck!