Need help, religious mother :(

LegacyUser

Hi. I am a 17 year old and I've known I am gay for a long time now. I have been dating a really nice guy from my school (cinema and stuff) and things are going great. The only problem is my parents, well, my mother.

Myself and my boyfriend were fed up hiding ourselves so I decided it was time to tell my parents, as I was not out yet. This week, we have been in Germany for a family thing and I took an opportunity to tell my father when we were having a quiet beer. He was very understanding, and even said he had a feeling I might be since I was a younger teen. He then offered to let my mother know if I wanted, as I did not know how to tell her.

The reason I did not know how to tell her is because she recently became "born again", about 18 months ago, in a church in our town. Suddenly her attitude to other people, especially gay people, changed and she would often refer to us as "broken" or "sinning" people when she say a story about gay people on the news. This is why I did not know how to tell her I was gay, because I had been surrounded by her harsh opinions.

My dad let her know yesterday and she flipped. She got angry at first, saying I "was going through a rebellious stage" and that I was choosing to be gay. My dad defended me (he has a gay cousin, so knew about the issue) but she was having none of it.

This morning after breakfast she pulled me aside. She is calmer but is talking about these places in America where I can go to on my next mid term that can fix me!? She made the offer as if it was a nice thing to do. I have never felt so betrayed or hurt in my life. I know it has just happened, and it might get better, but having a mother who puts her churches doctrines (and a weird church at that, TBH) ahead of her son?

So, sorry for going on so long! I just need advice. Specifically, if anyone has experience of "born again" parents who believe in the Bible literally (or, at least, the part that hates gays)? I need to know if there is any way out of this for me, any way I can make he realise me being gay is not a big deal and not a choice.

My father has already been losing patience with her because she spends so many evenings at meetings in the church and stuff (he does not go) and he hasn't said a word to her since her outburst. I really don't wanna cause them to fight, I just wanna have a happy life being who I am.. any advice? Especially if you had very religious parents?

Sorry this is so long!

Chuchoter

When are you 18?

You are in a dangerous situation. Your mum is in a cult, albeit a Christian one, but a cult nonetheless. You need an escape route, money and a place to go. Do you put it past your mother and her church to send you to these American places (which also exist in Ireland). Here are some names to look out for, they are 'ex-gay' groups:

Europe:
Core Issues (in Ireland)
Exodus International
True Freedom Trust (UK)
Medvandrana (Sweden)
LINC (live in christ)
Encourage (UK)

Theres another one attached to alive newspaper but I don't remember what its called

All North American:
Courage
OnebyOne
Transformation Congregation
Evergreen International
NEA
Homosexuals Anonymous
PFOX
International Healing Foundation

Look out for the term SSA (same sex attraction) they use it as
a medicalized term for being gay. Another one is reparative/conversion therapy.

Thats just a precaution, but its no harm to know them and be prepared. Keep your dad on your side, leave it with your mum for a week or two, if its as bad as ever/she threatens to send you to one of these camps, try writing her a letter saying you are her son and you love her and if she loves you she will want you to be happy. Good luck, PM me if you want.

Quentinkrisp

I was in a similar situation to OP as regards coming out to the parents, dad was sound about it but my mum kept on with this condescending, headwrecking 'is it just a phase' and 'are you sure you're gay?' bull****-i mean, i'm in my 20s for ****s sake!:mad::mad:

My mums not religiously inclined in any way so she didn't go down the conversion therapy road with me. OP, Its a good thing you have your dad on your side so you're not on your own, i'd give your mum a couple of months to get used to you being gay, if she's still persuading you to get therapy after that, then i'd recommend moving out (if your 18 or over)

as regard the so-called 'conversin therapy' groups that Crayolastereo mentioned, how did they ever get license to set up shop here or anywhere else for that matter? Theyre nothing but con artists tbh, they make money off people's doubts and insecurities, they're a danger to the public and the 'therapy' they offer does more harm than good (actually it does no good at all!)it's not like what theyre preaching is based on any scientific or psychological fact is it? methinks that the Irish Fraud bureau should get on their case pronto<rant over>

tl;dr: dont worry op, give it a couple of months and then see what your mum's like on the matter.

Healium

"Don't do it, Butters!"


First off, do NOT even THINK about going to America. Hence, watch out for anything strange i.e. don't believe your mother when she says that you're both going on a holiday, only she hasn't packed By the sounds of it, your Dad would never send you anywhere, but your mother does seem to be involved in cult behaviour and you can never tell what she'd do behind his back.

Basically, you don't need to go anywhere. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. You should talk to your dad and explain how you're feeling. It could do a world of good.

As for your mother, there's nothing you can do, really. I have no idea what convinces people to convert to such crazy things, but it happens. I would possibly suggest tough love. Explain to her that she's hurting you, and that you can't take it anymore. Threats. You'll leave home the day after your Leaving Cert. You won't visit her. You'll stick her in a home - a non-denominational one Mothers tend to crumble under threats. If anything, maybe she'll at least listen to you.

That, or tell her that you can't talk to her because she has baps. They're just not something that you believe in, but she can get them fixed in America :pac:

There is one thing that might be worth pointing out. In the OP you said that you feel she is putting her Church Doctrine ahead of her son. I know it may feel this way to you, but in all likelihood it is slightly different to this. She wants to do what she thinks is the very best for you, and her Church Doctrine is informing this.

In other words she is not putting Church Doctrine ahead of you, but that Doctrine is telling her what the right thing for her to do as a parent is.

I know this does not help you a lot, nor does it help you resolve the situation you are in. However I felt it useful to say because when you say “having a mother who puts her churches doctrines ahead of her son?” it made me feel like you think she somehow loves you less and I think it important to point out this is likely not so.

The issue is she loves you a lot, as much as ever, but she is just a little messed up as to what is the right thing to do for you. She wants what is best for you, like any mother does, but what she thinks is best for you is simply wrong.

You sound like you have a lot to cope with right now, I just wanted to say these words so you do not think that a mother who does not love is one of those things you must deal with.

In the coming days and weeks you may feel like screaming at her that she hates you, she wants to send you away, she wants to hurt you, she wants to change you. These things are not so however. What you need to say instead at those moments is “Mum, I know you love me, and you want to do what is best for me. I know this. You think what you are saying is what is best for me. I know this too. What you need to know however, is you are simply wrong. This is not what is best for me.”

Love is a powerful thing, and it motivates us immensely. Never think that when it motivates you to do the wrong thing that it means the Love is any less real.

All in all though we here wish you the best of luck and hope you keep us informed of developments between you and your own thoughts so that we may help you further in what little ways we can.

Beruthiel

needhalp wrote: »

Suddenly her attitude to other people, especially gay people, changed and she would often refer to us as "broken" or "sinning"

I love how religious people can be so loving and caring towards their fellow man. The hypocrisy would be hilarious if it wasn't so sad.

She is calmer but is talking about these places in America where I can go to on my next mid term that can fix me!?

Wow. Does she have any clue how much those guys could fuk you up?
Do not, under any circumstances, go near anyone who says they can 'fix you'.
There's nothing to 'fix'.
You are who you are and that's perfectly fine.

She made the offer as if it was a nice thing to do. I have never felt so betrayed or hurt in my life.

I'm so sorry that your mother is behaving like this towards you.
This cult has brain washed her.
The only way they could actually do that is because she is in a vulnerable state herself. If she was a confident person with strong self esteem, people like that couldn't wriggle their way in. She's weak and doesn't know any better. Because she loves you, she thinks she is doing her best by you.
Unfortunately you are not in a position to do anything about it.
She has betrayed you as a mother, though not intentionally.

Thankfully you have your Dad.
Confide in him about how your mothers betrayal has affected you.

I really don't wanna cause them to fight

Please don't take responsibility for their problems. This is not your fault. Your mother has joined a cult which is changing her personality. Your father can't handle that.
I couldn't handle that!
You being gay and her reaction to that is symptomatic of this cult and not what could break them up.
If they do break up, it will because she is no long the woman he married.

I just wanna have a happy life being who I am.. any advice?

Then work on your LC results and get yourself off to college and out from under her roof.

This will not last forever, soon you will be out in the world living your life the way you want to. With no judgement from anyone.
You will be happy, just hang in there.

CdeC

rent the movie "Prayers for Bobby" and let her watch it...it's movie touching on a lot of the issues you described.

It is a good movie starring Sigourney Weaver. Or get her the book.

Best of luck and try and be patient with her and remember that you are doing the right thing by coming out.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prayers_for_Bobby

Beruthiel

CdeC wrote: »

rent the movie "Prayers for Bobby" and let her watch it...it's movie touching on a lot of the issues you described.

A perfect film for her to watch.
Terribly sad though.

gcgirl

Sorry to hear what your going through but the best thing to do is concentrate on your leaving cert and get out, by the way did your mum have some kind of breakdown or change in personality ?

DS333

I'm sorry to say that as long as she remains a born again Christian she won't change her views, just as a staunch Catholic won't. I come from a fiercely Catholic family. My mother is 83 and has never, and will never in the short time left to her, sanction gay relationships. We're all right, in their eyes, as long as we remain celibate. Because they really believe that we will go to hell if we act out and hate to think of us there.

For God's sake, don't ever go to one of those places in America! They are the next best thing to torture chambers.

I came out to my mother but I leave her in the dark about what I get up to. I can introduce her to "friends" and that's all she needs to know. Because she was an utterly great mother and I don't want to break her heart.

We never discuss the subject and that might be your best option as well - if she'll let you. Avoid the issue as best you can if you want a peaceful life before you leave home.

The only light at the end of the tunnel is that often people who are "born again" become exaggeratedly religious at first but lose interest after that. I know quite a few people like that, who eventually came to their senses. I sincerely hope your mother does and quickly! If she realizes that she's driving your father mad as well, it may be sooner than later.

What beats me is why they all pick on us to bible bash...

HarryPotter41

needhalp wrote: »

Hi. I am a 17 year old and I've known I am gay for a long time now. I have been dating a really nice guy from my school (cinema and stuff) and things are going great. The only problem is my parents, well, my mother.

Myself and my boyfriend were fed up hiding ourselves so I decided it was time to tell my parents, as I was not out yet. This week, we have been in Germany for a family thing and I took an opportunity to tell my father when we were having a quiet beer. He was very understanding, and even said he had a feeling I might be since I was a younger teen. He then offered to let my mother know if I wanted, as I did not know how to tell her.

The reason I did not know how to tell her is because she recently became "born again", about 18 months ago, in a church in our town. Suddenly her attitude to other people, especially gay people, changed and she would often refer to us as "broken" or "sinning" people when she say a story about gay people on the news. This is why I did not know how to tell her I was gay, because I had been surrounded by her harsh opinions.

My dad let her know yesterday and she flipped. She got angry at first, saying I "was going through a rebellious stage" and that I was choosing to be gay. My dad defended me (he has a gay cousin, so knew about the issue) but she was having none of it.

This morning after breakfast she pulled me aside. She is calmer but is talking about these places in America where I can go to on my next mid term that can fix me!? She made the offer as if it was a nice thing to do. I have never felt so betrayed or hurt in my life. I know it has just happened, and it might get better, but having a mother who puts her churches doctrines (and a weird church at that, TBH) ahead of her son?

So, sorry for going on so long! I just need advice. Specifically, if anyone has experience of "born again" parents who believe in the Bible literally (or, at least, the part that hates gays)? I need to know if there is any way out of this for me, any way I can make he realise me being gay is not a big deal and not a choice.

My father has already been losing patience with her because she spends so many evenings at meetings in the church and stuff (he does not go) and he hasn't said a word to her since her outburst. I really don't wanna cause them to fight, I just wanna have a happy life being who I am.. any advice? Especially if you had very religious parents?

Sorry this is so long!

Shame you have to go through all that but its very important that you have your dad on your side and he sounds as if he would block her doing anything stupid like sending you to America to be "cured".

Be patient and don't let it bother you, I know you would like her to accept the way you are but give her time to calm down and talk to your dad about things so he might be able to communicate to her how you feel.

And the best of luck with it.

DS333

P.S. Get the book "Prayers for Bobby" and give it to your dad to read! It's about a young man hounded to death by his overly religious mother, a true story. He might scare the living daylights out of her then. I'd recommend the book rather than the movie - it's far more powerful. It's written by Leroy Aarons and published by HarperOne. I can give you the ISBN if you need it.