cut deep due to lazy eye

LegacyUser

Hey sorry if this gets long, this will be the 1st time I've talked about this with anyone bar my parents so try and stay with me.

Anyway lets get to the root of my problem, ever since I can remember I've had a lazy eye. My eye slightly (SLIGHTLY) turns out (strabismus) for those who'd like to get technical.

Anyway at an early age the doctor recommended surgery however (Think i was about 7ish at this stage) didn't really understand the FULL extent of what that entailed but was adamant that I would not let anyone cut me up or put me under. So surgery was avoided and I continued to wear glasses which corrected my eye.

Grew up with a really nice bunch of friends and didn't really get teased that much because of it however, it can't be stated enough that YOU the person it effects notices it 10fold compared to anyone else, its like a little spot that anyone else might glance at but you consider to be the bane of your existence, that's the best way I can describe this.

I kind of put this all behind me in my early teens, what with playing a lot of football and working hard at school I really didn't think of it and plus it wasn't something as a 15 year old you really care about anyway.

Growing up throughout my secondary school days I was the same as any other kid, friends, football, teenage discos (all-be-it without the alcohol and cigarettes didn't really drink till i attended uni) I used to get my fair share of girls and all was well or so i thought.

Went out with a couple of girls, one for 3 1/2 years whom I still love to this day, surprising as i finished it

Anyway it was around about that age from roughly 17 that i started to notice my eye, it REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY got me down, my mum is one of those people, who worries about her kin even driving to the shop, my dad whilst being one that would do anything you asked is not really someone you'd like to approach with that subject (hard up bringing) so I left it at that and tried to trek on, really didn't want to be a burden on my family

It got bad about the time i started uni, i made friends quickly I normally do (when forced into social situations) but bar the friends i made in my class I didn't really want to branch out, I didn't like going out on university nights (But I did as I didn't want to come across as a total freak), I had contacts by this time, and was worried my eye was way more noticeable, this thought process is basically the exact same now, I've had girls who I've talked to ask me out etc etc and all I can think about the moment they do is

"wow going to have to meet her parents, imagine them looking at this freak over the dinner table"
Or
"sigh, have to meet plenty of her friends, all of them going to be looking at me thinking why is she going out with someone that can't even hold the most basic of human interactions, eye contact"

Typing this now it actually brings a tear to my eye, I know what you're thinking if she's asking you out she doesn't really care about these things, but it's me thinking about them and I just can't get over this hurdle.

I recently broke up with a girl whom I've been seeing for say lets say 6 months, I was so worried dating her that we didn't really see much of each other during the day to the point where I fabricated long work hours etc etc, just so that if we did meet up it would be at night and going out wouldn't seem all that bad as it may mask my appearance, however slight.


Broke down to my mum about 2 years ago, cried my eyes out (sad grown 23 year old man breaking down to his mother) but didn't really have anyone else to talk to, she was shocked asked me how long I felt like this and why i never told her, i stated my reasons, she was pretty upset i couldn't come to her but we got past that, told her how it was effecting my everyday life to the point where all i want to do is stay at home in my room and not come out. I suppose the only reason i still play footy/gym etc is just so that i don't get unhealthy.

Went to see a specialist but honestly felt like i was treated like muck, basically took my 120 euro and couldn't get rid of me fast enough, at the time i suppose I really should have fought him on it but was so dejected I just left the room and went home, he stated that he wouldn't operate to correct my lazy eye (strabismus) as there was a chance it could go the other way, hindsight is lovely but i should have kicked and screamed stating that even if it was correct for 6 months I'd rather 6 happy months than a life of misery the consultation lasted about 5 minutes.

God I'm really really really sorry for ranting like this, it's just im at a cross-roads in my life now I want to do so many things but the thought of interacting with new people puts me off instantly, I REALLY want to get surgery done, but they say they won't what can I do

I don't want to continue to let this effect me mentally and how i form relationships, I've got so much to give. (Yes I've pushed people away) But if you can't love yourself how can you truly love anyone else, I'd love nothing more than to go for a walk with a nice girl and share some sum all the while not thinking about how I'm a freak of nature

I suppose I'm posting this as a means to let it out, but I'm also posting this as a question to perhaps the minute few that also suffer with this on a day to day basis and simply ask HOW? How do you overcome it?

If anyone has had luck with surgery I'd also be happy to hear those.

Once again and I mean this with sincerity, thanks for listening, and sorry for ranting, this, just typing it down has helped me more than you could ever imagine!

Taltos

OP - this is just rotten - I mean how you feel that your life is just rotten and how this part of you has effectively controlled and limited who you are.

In terms of the OP - yes my sister got it when she was a child. Had to wear an eye patch for quite a while as well as the corrective glasses. She had an extreme case where her eye was way to the side. Looking at her now you would not know the difference, but as you know each operation carries its own risks.

Can I suggest that you make out a plan, a simple one but try to stick to it.
1. Go see your GP - let him/her know how you are feeling, something like this can send you into the arms of depression and you need to nip it in the bud immediately.
2. Talk - to your family / friends whoever - do NOT shirk from this part of you - if someone comments on your eye - smile and just say "so what?" Until you go for surgery - IF that is what you decide - you really have to learn how to accept this part of you. Each of us have parts we hate - some are visible like yours, some not so much.
3. Schedule another consultant after you talk to your GP or get a referral. Go in with a friend/family. Be calm - get all the facts including risks, but be clear - this is something that you need to do. Do not rush into any decisions. Get all the facts, risks, weigh them - take a week and make a choice.
4. Strangers/Friends - look if someone judges you on a lazy eye - they are not worth knowing. Stop beating yourself up over this and instead treat it as a strength - you have something about you that helps you get to the heart of people - i.e. are they worth knowing or are they tossers....
5. Now the hardest part - Acceptance... Until/if you choose to get something just accept this part of you and stop let it controlling what you do or who you talk to - that route just ends in isolation and loneliness - make extra special efforts to get out and socialize. Yes you might meet a few prats - but so what - as above this part of you helps you weed out the jerks...

Best of luck and really don't give up. Maybe your eye is the cause of why you feel so low - but don't let it control you...

Esel

As you said yourself, it's your thinking that is the main problem. Certainly get a second opinion via your GP (and be sure to make it clear how it is affecting you so much), but also consider that some form of therapy might help you to change the way you think about this. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy might be suitable for you.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I am in the same situation as yourself. I have a very bad turn in my right eye (turned inwards) when I was younger and had an operation to correct it when I was 3 years old. Everything when well, had to wear a patch for a few years to bring up the vision in the eye but all was ok. Over the years, I have never used this eye much. I now wear glasses but the lenses in the right side are plain. Fast forward 24 years and my eye has slowly started to turn again, this time outwards. I’m guessing over time the muscles just get tired. I noticed this a few years ago but I tried to put it out of my mind. As you said, I can always see it, even when it’s not that bad. The turning point for me came when my older brother asked me if my eye was turning again, that he could notice it and my mum and aunt picked up on his remark and made me feel awful about it. So much so that it impacted on my everyday life. I was now convinced that everyone that I met could see this hideous flaw with my face, but of course no one really could unless I was very tired or stressed.

In September this year I went for a consultation in the Galway Clinic, the Doctor who specialises in this couldn’t have been more helpful and I was with him for about an hour and a half. He said that my eye can be corrected and that no double vision etc should occur. I know it will be expensive (going public would take nearly a year just to get a consultation) but I can quite possibly have the operation early next year. You should visit you GP and ask to be sent to the Galway Clinic. It took me ages to build up the courage to see this consultant but now I’m glad I did. The turn in my eye is part of me for the moment and I have even started to be more open with people about it, even to the point of having a joke. Don’t despair there is help available.

appleb

Hi OP. Well, I can associate with what you are talking about. I had a 'squint' in my eye since I was a child and it got worse when I had a few drinks or tired. In fairness I thought that I was not overly concerned. But it got worse in the last few years before I had surgery. I can tell you genuinely it was the best money I spent. My confidence increased and I was surprised at how it must have subconsciously been affecting me. I got it done 5 or 6 years ago and its still 'holding' out even though I was told at the time that it might only last for a few years. I can tell you that if it does I will definetly get it done again. Off you go and get it done. You will not regret it!!

LegacyUser

OP, I don't have any advice for you, but just wanted to say that you seem like a really cool, down-to-earth guy. If it's affecting you this much, I think you should go see another specialist who is more open to listening to your concerns and offering an alternative than just 'no'.

If there is absolutely no alternative, you're gonna have to find some way of living with it and accepting it OP, as you can't go through life as miserable as you are now.

I can kind of empathise with you - I have major issues with my teeth, I think they're really horrible and want to get them fixed as soon as I can afford it, but whenever I mention it to people, they say 'What? Your teeth are fine'. It just goes to show how we hone in on what we perceive as 'faults', when nobody else gives them a second thought. To be honest, the vast majority of people are too self-centred to obsess about anyone else's 'faults'

By the way, I have a friend who has the same thing (and his is more than slight), and he is the most outgoing bloke imaginable, has loads of mates and a lovely girlfriend - and I can say this hand on heart: when I first met him of course I noticed it, but now I really, genuinely don't. His confidence and personality just shines through, why would something as small as his eye make a difference to anybody?

Zen65

my_lazy_eye wrote: »

.....I've had girls who I've talked to ask me out etc etc and all I can think about the moment they do is

"wow going to have to meet her parents, imagine them looking at this freak over the dinner table"
Or
"sigh, have to meet plenty of her friends, all of them going to be looking at me thinking why is she going out with someone that can't even hold the most basic of human interactions, eye contact"

I'm very sorry to hear of your suffering. Yet even reading the above I know that you already consciously know that these thoughts are unfounded. People do not routinely make the level of eye contact that you seem to think, and even when they do, a slight squint or strabismus is neither freaky nor off-putting. That said of course, it is how you feel about it that needs to be addressed.

Why did the specialist say he would not operate? Was the strabismus so mild that he thought the surgery would make no real difference? I would certainly seek a second opinion, and be sure to really emphasize the psychological pain this is causing you. It could really be that the strabismus itself is very slight, and surgery would be unlikely to make it any better (I'm not a doctor, so this isn't a diagnosis, just a guess!!). In that case, perhaps the specialist would recommend non-surgical corrections?

As somebody else suggested, some CBT for yourself would also be potentially beneficial: I've tried this for stress management and in fairness there is benefit to be had from it.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

Hey guys firstly I'd like to thank each and everyone for contributing the response and support helped and listening to those with the same problem was a really nice perspective to have!

I'm going to look into CBT, I'd also perhaps like to ask appelb, and billi sey if they wouldn't mind disclosing where they had their consultations, I understand one was in galway.

Money wouldn't be a factor I'd take out a loan for years if it meant having an iota of a normal life

Once again thank you kindly for all your support!

appleb

<snip> I live in Drogheda but had the op in Bon Secour in Dublin. I have VHI that covered half of my costs. Can,t remember the consultants name but I can make a few enquiries for you. Think he has/ had surgeries in Dublin too. Not the best 'bed side' manner but he did the job and that was my main concern. I think I paid about €2000 back then.

LegacyUser

If you are going ahead with the operation, read carefully the risks associated with it...everything has its' pros& cons. You need to be absolutely sure you can deal with any potential adverse/side effects of going ahead with treatment. If that "1 in 10,000" is you, it's relevant.

Not sure if I can offer much advice but I have a similar problem.

I underwent surgery on two occasions around 1990/91 to correct it at ages 6 and 7. I remember wearing a patch for a few days afterwards. Nowadays my left eye drifts off when I'm tired and my binocular vision is gone (I can only focus with one eye at a time so no "magic eye" photos or 3D movies work on me). However I was told it would have been much worse if I hadn't had the surgery.

barleybooley

Hi OP, sorry to hear you're so down about this because, as someone else said. you do sound like a really nice, sound guy! I know it's not completely the same but I have a crooked nose and I notice it so much but no one else does unless I point it out. I sometimes find myself kind of poking the bone that pokes out on one side absent-mindedly! No one's perfect and who'd want to be? You are who you are, lazy eye or not and have succeeded thus far with it, so why change? I'd try CBT before resorting to surgery but if you think that will make you happier in the long run, go for it, but not immediately.

As us country folk say, it could be worse, the ass could be dead and the turf stuck in the bog!

Best of luck and feel better soon

bb
x

LegacyUser

Op, here!

Thanks so much for this support it's been phenomenal, was out 2nyt drank like 2-3 bottles as I have a match 2mor and a match also Sunday, the joys of footy, but tried what most of you have said just be myself and leave my eye behind me it worked kinda, had a lot of conversations with people I wouldn't normally mix with for the fear of them looking at me like a freak but i said what the hell, I'll try and be the person i know i can be, hit it off with a few lads and lassies and actually got a few lads inviting me to play football with them and one girl asking me to meet for a drink, which I'm going to txt back tomorrow, not a big fan of the three day rule if you like someone you like someone

I know it's not much as it's probs for them a drunken Friday night out but it really did do my confidence the world of good, I seen the girl i used to go out with for 3 1/2 years out 2nyt really did break my heart, i heart her by pushing her away and god if i could do it over again I'd treat her as if she was the sun and the moon

Anyway thanks for all the positive feedback, writing this down and not keeping it bottled up has really made my week, sad I know, but really the few who've contributed I can't stress enough how much you've helped.

Onwards and upwards to the surgery

blodvyn

Sorry for dragging up a week and a half old thread but if appleb and billi sey could drop me a pm about how they got started via the operation route I'd really really appreciate it.

Ps: Yes, I realize I'm not going anonymous for this but fcek it I am who i am