Married woman and confused

whatami

Posting this because i need to get this off my chest and hopefully get some advice. Just some background. I have been thinking i may be lesbian for the last few years but keep trying to forget about it and carry on as i am. Firstly i am 34 year old woman and have been married for 8 years. Myself and husband have an non existance sex life as i have absolutely no interest in having any sex with him. I feel i fell into this realtionship too young. but basically i have been in two relationships my whole life from the age of 15 first boyfriend stayed with for 5 years, never felt a sexual attraction to him but liked him and liked spending time with him, he could never understand why i never intiated sex and have now ended up in the habit of having to be drunk to have sex. I then went straight from that relationship into my current one and we have been together 12 years. My first sexual experiences were with girls at about the age of 13, just kissing and some petting does everyone do this?? I feel i have been suppressing or just not acknowledging my true feelings all along, I think with age and maturity i am beginning to think more about this and analyse the way i have been since my teens. Also the few times i have watched porn i am more inclined to admire and watch the woman?Because i have not had any sexual relations with girls as an adult it is hard for me to know for sure, i can only think of my friendships with girls i have known and how i would feel so hurt and rejected when they meet boyfriends and i feel i can be a little intense with them, sorry not all of them but just two girls in particular that i feel my feelings for them were not normal friendships, if i see a good looking girl and i am in awe and recently i was at a concert and saw a girl there who i found very attractive and have been thinking about since it just seems to becoming more and more into my thoughts i more i am thinking about it. Sorry for being so long winded, but it has been really bothering me lately as i have two kids and dont actually know anyone who is gay that i could even talk to about this. Thinking of going to counselling to see if it will sort me out.

Kanoe

I don't think anyone here can tell you what you are, but I'm guessing a lot of how you feel is normal.
I went through the same feelings when I hit 30 but I wasn't married and had given up on male female relationships by 23. My first sexual experiences were with girls (I think a lot of women do ) but I felt compelled to live as straight a life as possible. I did eventually decide to eyeball it and came out but it hasn't been easy going through this at this time of my life. Having bypassed an age where there are generous level of support and understanding meant going through the motions on my own and I often wondered if I made the wrong decision but I am at a place where I am comfortable in my life now, with or without a partner and regardless of my sexual orientation and knowing that makes everything ok.
I think maybe counselling is the way to go if this is bothering you, its helpful just to talk to someone and get things off your chest. Best of luck.

lushballs

First Out is a Dublin-based group for women of all ages, who are questioning their sexuality or considering “coming out”. We meet the first Thursday of every month, from 7.30-9.30 pm, all year round, in 'outhouse', 105 Capel Street, Dublin 1. First Out provides a safe space to talk about your sexuality together with other women, supporting you in coming out to yourself and in time, if that is what you want, to the people around you.

http://firstout.yolasite.com/

deasyd

I’m just going to be straight up and honest here because I think that’s what’s needed in this situation. You’re in a very difficult situation and you need some answers. I don’t think you are going to like all the answer you get, but at least consider them for your own sake and the sake of your family.

Firstly, I really do think you are a lesbian - sorry. You say you never had any sexual attraction to your first boyfriend at 15 and now you don’t have any sexual attraction to your husband. Then you stated that you never initiated sex with any of your male partners. You also said that you needed to be drunk to have sex - huge sign that you have no attraction to who you are sleeping with. Also, enjoying your young encounters with women and stating that in porn you notice women more is another sign. Make no mistake about it you are not straight or bisexual.

Secondly, I don’t think you can blame your young age for where your sexual relationship is at now with your current husband. You stated that you’re 34 and with your current partner 12 years and married for 8. That means you were 26 entering in to your marriage with your husband. That is not young and you knew when you were with your boyfriend at 15 that you were not sexually attracted to men.

Thirdly, I think the big tell tale sign is the fact that when those two girls that you hang around with get boyfriends, you get jealous. I am not saying that you fancy these girls, but it’s that feeling that you may have a connection with them and now they are going to have this connection with a boyfriend and not you.

I have to say I really feel for you and it’s an awful situation to be in. It is horrible to have to have sex with someone that does not sexually excite you. I’m not saying that you don’t love your husband, but if he doesn’t sexually excite you it’s only going to get worse with time. You cannot train yourself to be attracted to him. You will only end up resenting him and disgusted by him and it’s not his fault.

I am very surprised that when you felt this way that you would progress in the relationship and have children with him. I understand that no solution is easy when kids are involved. Do you stay in a loveless marriage for the kid’s sake or follow your heart and hope they understand? The answers all have tough consequences and it’s only a decision you can make.

I am interested to know how your husband feels about your sexless marriage. If he is around 34 too I’m surprised he doesn’t push for sex more or confront on the sex issue whether it is the lack of it or the fact that you may be is always drunk or very passive in bed.

In all honest, you really should not stay with your husband if you are not sexually attracted to him and are more attracted to girls. It is unfair on him and you are effectively living a lie. He deserves a wife that loves him, is sexually attracted to him, wants to have sex with him and is excited about it, just the way girls excite you. If you do not tackle this problem you will end up resenting him and yourself and the chance for true happiness and fulfilment will pass you by. You have to remember that you are in control of your own life and your own happiness.

With out a doubt the transition will be hugely difficult and a tough process for all the family to deal with, but can you imagine what it would be like to be truly happy and maybe even scoring that girl at the concert. If that excites you and makes you smile then act while you are still young and while your family is still young and can adapt to change. You deserve to be happy and so does your husband and it’s obvious that you cannot do it together.

I don’t think any amount of counselling is going to make you not sexually attracted to girls and more attracted to your husband. Maybe go about counselling to see how you go about implementing this change in your life because there is no doubt that it needs to happen.

I know this is a long reply and I may be coming across harsh, but you came here for the truth. I really feel for you and it’s such a difficult situation. I wish you all the best for the future.

Kanoe

y'know, I've got to put it out there DeasyD, someone did something very similar to what you've just done to me when I was at that stage and I still resent the fact that they did because I always felt somone else made possibly one of the biggest decisions of my life for me..and really it's just not your place to do it. dangerous.

deasyd

zxy wrote: »

y'know, I've got to put it out there DeasyD, someone did something very similar to what you've just done to me when I was at that stage and I still resent the fact that they did because I always felt somone else made possibly one of the biggest decisions of my life for me..and really it's just not your place to do it. dangerous.

So what would you suggest? It's easy to say that when you're bringing no solution to the table. She came here for advice and I offered some. It might not be advice that she would like or advice that is hard to hear, but it is advice nonetheless. Afterall, she is a 34-year-old woman, she can choose to ignore it.

Kanoe

deasyd wrote: »

So what would you suggest? It's easy to say that when you're bringing no solution to the table. She came here for advice and I offered some. It might not be advice that she would like or advice that is hard to hear, but it is advice nonetheless. Afterall, she is a 34-year-old woman, she can choose to ignore it.

I don't come here to tell people how to live their life, that's just a reckless thing to do. You didnt offer advice you implied that not only is she not straight, nor bi but that she's definitely gay. Pretty fcukin stupid thing to do imo.

(and btw, as a 35 woman with a child who has recently gone through something similar I offered what I felt was relative from my experience. your a 25 yr old bloke with no consideration of how the conequences of what you say may affect the lives of others in the longterm)

deasyd

zxy wrote: »

I don't come here to tell people how to live their life, that's just a reckless thing to do. You didnt offer advice you implied that not only is she not straight, nor bi but that she's definitely gay. Pretty fcukin stupid thing to do imo.

I'm not getting in to an argument with you. You are entitled to your opinion as am I. I haven't told her how to live her life, but I am urging her to do the right thing. She said that she has never had any sexual attraction to men, but has to women. I'm not sure what your definition of gay is, but to me and most of society that equals gay!

There's no need for swearing, like I said I offered what I think and what I think is the right thing to do. This woman is in an awful situation and needs help. At least I offered something. What have you done? Come in and pick a fight with me! You said in an earlier post that you were in a similar situation in your life. That makes you more qualified than me to advise this woman. Maybe you should do that rather than picking an argument with me. So what did you do in this situation? Come on step up and give this woman some help and advice. There is no right or wrong answers.

Kanoe

deasyd wrote: »

I'm not getting in to an argument with you. You are entitled to your opinion as am I. I haven't told her how to live her life, but I am urging her to do the right thing. She said that she has never had any sexual attraction to men, but has to women. I'm not sure what your definition of gay is, but to me and most of society that equals gay!

There's no need for swearing, like I said I offered what I think and what I think is the right thing to do. This woman is in an awful situation and needs help. At least I offered something. What have you done? Come in and pick a fight with me! You said in an earlier post that you were in a similar situation in your life. That makes you more qualified than me to advise this woman. Maybe you should do that rather than picking an argument with me. So what did you do in this situation? Come on step up and give this woman some help and advice. There is no right or wrong answers.

o fcuk it.. say what you like, I don't give a sh/t. and yes, I find swearing necessary.

rainbow kirby

Arguing is completely unhelpful to the OP. If you must continue this, take it to PMs.

LegacyUser

i don't think you can tell someone "you definitely are not straight or gay" based on a single paragraph. that is really unhelpful. this person has been trying to work out their life for years and is confused, how on earth could *you* be certain.


i went through something similar, and nearly lost the love of my life because I worked my self into a knot with the idea that i was straight. thank god we talked about it and held on. once i was less wound up it became clear i am bi.

obviously i am not suggesting that this is the case with you. i don't like the certainty with which some people tell other people they are definitely gay based on little info.


also, I feel for you in a huge way.

Eebs

No matter what other posters have said, no one can tell you you're a lesbian - You have to just figure it out for yourself.

You should definately seek help through counselling. You're going to need it whatever you decide to do here.

There are people in these situations who both stick with their marriage and who leave their marriages and explore their sexuality. Both have pros and cons. You need to weigh them for yourself. There is no real advice anyone on a message board can give you. Please go and get some counseling.

Maybe this link will help also

http://www.dublinlesbianline.ie/

OP – As you can see there are many opinions you are going to hear about this, and many stories from others who have gone through the same.

However having worked with many people in your situation there are some things I notice you did not say that I would love to hear answers to before I presume to offer any advice of my own.

The first is with regards to how you and your Husband have no sex life at this time. You stated this very matter of factly without any emotion or indications of trouble. This is curious to me. How do you actually feel about this? Do you miss sex or is the lack of it something you have just come to accept as fact? How has your husband reacted to this lack, or has he even brought it up at all?

The second is that I note you listed a lot of the people you were not attracted to but said very little of who you have been. Your first boyfriend and current husband you indicate you feel little attraction for. Has there been ANY men you have however? Ever? Aside from the girl in the concert how often do you have these feelings for women or girls?

There are people, and I am not saying you are one but mentioning this purely to show you the massive wealth of possibilities for explanations that are out there, who think they are gay because rather than being bi or homosexual they are actually for whatever reason asexual and they think a lack of attraction to the opposite sex must mean they are into the same sex.

There is much to explore here, not just within yourself but with your husband, maybe with us here on Boards, and maybe even with a counsellor. From what I have read so far however it is certainly too early to simply leap to the conclusion you are definitely a lesbian and its time to leave the husband as some on this thread have/will.

whatami

Thanks for the advice and from reading through them i can see that their could be many reasons and not as straight forward as i thought. Firstly when i did meet my husband i was very attracted to him sexually, he was actually the first person that i have ever felt sexually attracted to. But this only lasted about a year. Then i went through having kids and thought that my feelings about not wanting it were to do with this hormones etc. Just referring to taxAHcruel comment re lack of sexual relations and who am i actually attracted to ? I miss sex and i want sex just not with who i am with, I have never had relations with a girl bar just fooling when only a kid really, I think we are brought up with the assumption that we will be heterosexual so any time it did surface in my feelings with a friend i would just ignore and get on with it, but i think i am now coming to the stage where i dont want to and cant ignore anymore because it seems to be coming more and more into my thoughts. I have actually thought about this asexual and looked at it and feel it is not me because i do get sexual urges but then i am just bored when i do. my husband is not happy with all of this and has asked me if i am gay, as he feels that maybe i am and kinda jokes about it, i have totally denied this to him and tell him not in the mood the usual and make excuses, as i just cant face it because of family and him, I have told him he deserves more love sexually but is happy to be with me, But we do love eachother very much and get on great no arguments etc only about sexual issue and my avoidance of it. Thanks for the replys and think it is making me book an appointment for counselling to get me to understand better.

Beruthiel

whatami wrote: »

think it is making me book an appointment for counselling to get me to understand better.

That would be best.
Nobody can tell you who or what you are.
Only you can come to that conclusion, a professional will help you get there.
Best of luck.

Kanoe

sorry..was in a horrible mood last night
on topic, op..I'm willing to bet that a lot of women are attracted to women and I'm willing to bet a lot of women experiment with their friends when they are young too, most just won't acknowledge it. I think for me it led to a lot of confusion when I did finally start dating boys as I knew how it was to be aroused by a woman and I think I quietly longed to be in a place where it was that natural and effortless again. I didn't have a family to give up and I wasn't hurting anybody so I was free to experiment and find out how I really felt about it. I have loved women so deeply that it hurts but until the day one of them loves me back in the same way I'll never really feel that what I am is that relevant and won't commit to being a label. I hope you take the advice that has been offered, I just really don't think its as easy as waiting for someone else to tell you what you are, you're going to have to find out yourself.

whatami

Deleted User wrote: »

OP – The second is that I note you listed a lot of the people you were not attracted to but said very little of who you have been. Your first boyfriend and current husband you indicate you feel little attraction for. Has there been ANY men you have however? Ever? Aside from the girl in the concert how often do you have these feelings for women or girls?

Sorry i should have answered this a bit better in my reply, The only man i have ever felt sexual attraction to and wanted to have sex with was my husband, When i met him i was surprised by my sexual attraction because i had never felt this before. I just no longer feel sexual attraction for him, but huge amount of love. When I think of sex with a man i think of it as something that he does to me you know like animal instinct etc, when i think of being with a woman it is more like it is something i can do WITH her loving and intimate and gentle. I find the basics of sex distasteful like the sex in porn. I find it hard to think of sex like this with man or woman! i have more romantic thoughts of it which is why i think i am with the wrong person for it because i do not feel this intimancy and love with him, it is more an act and does not feel like what friends etc talk about.

whatami

thanks

DS333

whatami wrote: »

Posting this because i need to get this off my chest and hopefully get some advice. Just some background. I have been thinking i may be lesbian for the last few years but keep trying to forget about it and carry on as i am. Firstly i am 34 year old woman and have been married for 8 years. Myself and husband have an non existance sex life as i have absolutely no interest in having any sex with him. I feel i fell into this realtionship too young. but basically i have been in two relationships my whole life from the age of 15 first boyfriend stayed with for 5 years, never felt a sexual attraction to him but liked him and liked spending time with him, he could never understand why i never intiated sex and have now ended up in the habit of having to be drunk to have sex. I then went straight from that relationship into my current one and we have been together 12 years. My first sexual experiences were with girls at about the age of 13, just kissing and some petting does everyone do this?? I feel i have been suppressing or just not acknowledging my true feelings all along, I think with age and maturity i am beginning to think more about this and analyse the way i have been since my teens. Also the few times i have watched porn i am more inclined to admire and watch the woman?Because i have not had any sexual relations with girls as an adult it is hard for me to know for sure, i can only think of my friendships with girls i have known and how i would feel so hurt and rejected when they meet boyfriends and i feel i can be a little intense with them, sorry not all of them but just two girls in particular that i feel my feelings for them were not normal friendships, if i see a good looking girl and i am in awe and recently i was at a concert and saw a girl there who i found very attractive and have been thinking about since it just seems to becoming more and more into my thoughts i more i am thinking about it. Sorry for being so long winded, but it has been really bothering me lately as i have two kids and dont actually know anyone who is gay that i could even talk to about this. Thinking of going to counselling to see if it will sort me out.

I'm a man and gay. Thanks to a Catholic upbringing I buried it deep, so deep that at times I almost convinced myself I was straight. But I have never been sexually attracted to a woman in my life. I couldn't kiss one or touch one in that way. You say you were sexually attacted to your husband at the start. I know that doesn't discount the fact that you might be a lesbian, but it's something to think about.

I cannot understand your husband being so calm about you're never having sex together, though. I have a straight friend with a wife who genuinely dislikes sex and he still tries to cajole her into making love once a month or so.

The biggest issue for me is that you have two children. It's essential to ask if he's a close father to them, because if he isn't and you leave them, the blow will be devastating. My father hardly acknowledged our existence. If my mother had left I would have killed myself. I mean that.

I know two guys who were married with kids and who left because they were gay. They are no longer in relationships and their children don't want to see them. They both are deeply unhappy. That's a very sad outcome.

It's a huge decision to get married and have kids, possibly the biggest a person can make. But the decision to back out after all this time... I couldn't see myself doing it. But then, I worked with kids in South America and I saw the huge devastation caused them when one of their parents walked out. And, no, I'm not a diehard Catholic who's against divorce, etc. I just can't get the kids out of my head. Having had a desperately unhappy childhood myself, I'd do anything to avoid causing that to anybody else.

This may be no help at all.

Sorry.

spurious

There are many women in your situation OP.
It might be helpful to join a group such as Running Amach which has many older women as members who have been through what you are describing.

challenges

whatami wrote: »

Deleted User wrote: »

OP – The second is that I note you listed a lot of the people you were not attracted to but said very little of who you have been. Your first boyfriend and current husband you indicate you feel little attraction for. Has there been ANY men you have however? Ever? Aside from the girl in the concert how often do you have these feelings for women or girls?

Sorry i should have answered this a bit better in my reply, The only man i have ever felt sexual attraction to and wanted to have sex with was my husband, When i met him i was surprised by my sexual attraction because i had never felt this before. I just no longer feel sexual attraction for him, but huge amount of love. When I think of sex with a man i think of it as something that he does to me you know like animal instinct etc, when i think of being with a woman it is more like it is something i can do WITH her loving and intimate and gentle. I find the basics of sex distasteful like the sex in porn. I find it hard to think of sex like this with man or woman! i have more romantic thoughts of it which is why i think i am with the wrong person for it because i do not feel this intimancy and love with him, it is more an act and does not feel like what friends etc talk about.

Hey I have found your posts very interesting so I decided to reply. I am a bi woman, married , in my mid 40s with a background in psychology. Try to think about sexuality in terms of fluidity, its not a rigid construct. Its not about absolutes, its about preferences ,which can and do change over time. I experimented with girls too when I was very young and then boys came into the equation as it was more socially acceptable. Without societies restrictions im sure I would have turned out lez. I managed to suppress the feelings towards women for decades and I got married had 2 kids who I love dearly etc. Im still with my husband now and Im very lucky because I felt secure enough to tell him about my attraction towards women. This was just 2 years ago. Since then he has allowed me to date women. I dont feel restricted and I dont have to sneak around. If you think about it, perhaps you might come to a similar understanding with your husband? Would he allow you to experiment? My husband is a realist, he knows this is something I have to do! There are thousands of women in Ireland in a similar boat. I hope I have given you some food for thought.....