Falling out with parents

LegacyUser

Hi,

Just looking for some advice here. I have recently fallen out with my parents. I am in my early 30's, I moved out of home some years ago and I was on a phone call last month with my Mum and Dad, I admitted to selling some items over the internet (via adverts) and they had a go at me saying why did I need to raise cash, what was I doing with the cash and how dangerous it was to meet up with strangers etc and they made me feel about 2 inches high.

I couldn't bring myself to tell them my partner had lost their job and was unemployed, I just feel that they are constantly judging me and making me feel like a piece of crap that they have walked on. I don't see why it was so wrong to want to sell items. I ended up hanging up because I couldn't take them being so judgemental. Since that phonecall which was the 15th October, I haven't spoken to them, they haven't bothered to call me or make any effort to contact me. I expect they want me to ring up and apologise for hanging up.

I just feel so useless and that I am not good enough for them, I see the way they look at me as if I make them sick. My Mum mentioned to me she wanted me to look up weightwatcher classes and I may as well come along ... they ask my brother and sister on holiday, over for parties, dinner etc and I am never asked. I just feel unwanted and upset.

I feel like they still think I am 5 years of age. Maybe it is because I am adopted and they don't feel the same about me as they feel about my brother and sister. Just feel upset about everything.

Just looking for other peoples point of view, and what people would do in my situation? Sorry its a bit long.

gemscorp

Hi. This may not what you were hoping to hear, and I'm sure others will come back with another view.
But I would say walk away from them for good.
By the time you get to your 30s if you're still stuck in a parent-child thing where they look to you to please them and you look to them for approval, that's not right for either of you.
I am in my mid 30s now and have zero relationship with my family. It's not a decision to take lightly, and at times I wish I had a family to turn to but on balance I don't want to live in a dream world because my family will never be on my side, they will never accept me and we will never have a proper fulfulling relationship.
And unlike you, I'm not adopted.
But I know people who are and whether the child is adopted or not really shouldn't come into it. This is about parenthood and whether or not people are fit to parent a child. And from what you've said it sounds like they have not been ideal parents- It happens.
In my view people should be vetted for parenthood, so many are either not able or not capable of raising a child, let alone several children. Many children get left behind, ignored, abused, silenced by society etc.
You are a grown adult now and it's time to say goodbye to the past and forge a fresh future for yourself. I know it's easier said than done and I've been through the grieving process myself.
I don't particularly recommend it.
What I do recommend is Make a Decision. Don't sit on the fence for many years.
If you decide to be friends with your parents and family, spend some time with them, enjoy that time, try to love them for who they are etc, and if it gets too much, leave on a positive note. Stand up for yourself and know your boundaries.
If not, make a decision to cut them out of your life, delete numbers etc.
I'm saying basically there are 2 choices. Spending the rest of your life being on the fence about your family, having them holding you back, blame, regret, resentment etc - that's no way to live.

astra2000

Hi op it sounds like your parents were concerned for you but went the wrong way about showing it. You are obviously feeling stressed out at the moment with your partner been out of work and this was the last thing you needed. At your age your able to make your own decisions but unfortunatly parents dont always see it this way. I think you need to let them know how you feel write a letter if you are not able to speak about it with them. The longer this row festers the worse it can get, it would be better to sort it out sooner than later. Best of luck op
Just seen the above advice and I think walking away over the event you described is a complete overreaction. I am not adopted and I have had far worse from family doesnt mean its right but sometimes thats the way and you learn to control things better and let it get to you less.

gemscorp

astra2000 wrote:

Just seen the above advice and I think walking away over the event you described is a complete overreaction

upset155 wrote:

I couldn't bring myself to tell them my partner had lost their job and was unemployed, I just feel that they are constantly judging me and making me feel like a piece of crap that they have walked on.

I think when it comes to this sort of thing, age comes into it. If the person is their 30s and they are still behaving in a sort of exaggerated parent-child relationship then some sort of break is called for. Okay I take your point maybe not forever(I was just describing my own experience), but at least enough of a break where maybe they can learn to respect you as a human being and have a friendship as adults. I would hope that would be possible. But often it's not as with parents who are growing older they are in my experience unlikely to suddenly become nice people who respect others on a level.
But I wish you the best of luck and hope there is communication so that they can understand how you feel and vice versa.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the messages.

I just feel that I am only wanted when they want me to look after their plants, fix their computer etc and that they don't include me in other things. I Know they will expect me to ring up and apologising for hanging up but to me I just feel unwanted and that they think they can still tell me what to do.

I don't sit there and judge them. (mother is an alcoholic in my opinion, rest of the family deny this but its obvious) and they can afford many trips away, I struggle for money.

I just feel so hurt by them and feel that I am only good for them when they get something out of it.

dudara

What do your siblings think about all this?

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

What do your siblings think about all this?

I don't get on with my sister for some reason, she doesn't contact me very often and I rarely see her, guess she is another one that doesn't like me. brother lives in the UK and I haven't brought it up for discussion.

I don't know if my parents have told them about the row/falling out as I don't talk to my sister, see her maybe once or twice a year.

dudara

I think that you need to stop looking to your parents for affirmation and reassurance. Sure, it would be nice if you would get it from them, but I would stop looking for it.

Only you can make yourself truly happy and you can't depend on others for happiness. You've got to stop comparing yourself to them (i.e. money etc) and concentrate on your own life.

LegacyUser

I am not looking to them for happiness or reassurance. I bring something up in conversation, they proceed to tell me off for doing it and literally ranting at me and having a go at me for doing what I am doing.

I am sorry that I am upset, I am sorry that I feel excluded in my own family. They don't seem to understand how hard it is and what a struggle it can be and for them to basically say to me in previous cases - "how do you know ____, noone on the internet can be trusted"

I see the way they look at me, as if I disgust them. I bring things up in conversation and they have a go at me like I am 5 years old.

I am supposed to be going to my brothers wedding in January, right now, I can't see that happening for various reasons but no doubt when I break that news, I will again be the bad person.

astra2000

OP have you thought about not telling them when your doing something that they disaprove of. It will limit the amount of negative comments you get from them. Your parents obviously think they know better than you and that is hardly going to change. Try and put an end to this row for now it is obviously eating away at you, and in future try and avoid putting yourself in the firing line, very hard I know from personal experience but if you can limit it it does make life easier. Durada is right you do need to stop comparing to what they have that never does anyone any good.
As for your brothers wedding do all you can to try and attend but if at the end of the day you really cant make it explain your reasons to your brother let him know how sorry you are and if your parents start a row about it dont retaliate let them know you are upset not to be able to attend and having a row is not going to change the fact you cannot go. You havent really mentioned what your dad is like have you a good relationship with him?
Also are you the youngest in your family if so this may be the reason your parents have no faith in your abilities. Quite laughable seeing as your in your 30s but unfortunatly some parents lack logic and boundaries with their grown up children!

LegacyUser

Well it has come to a head now, my Mum has just phoned me, I have told her how I feel and she said they have done nothing wrong and that I should phone my dad to apologise for hanging up. They said it is all my fault and there is clearly something wrong with me.

My brother is getting married in South Africa and I can't afford to go and actually the thought of spending over a week with them all would send me to a dark and depressing spiral.

She said the reasons they don't ask me to things is because I wouldn't go, (bit hard to confirm as the only reasons why I wouldn't go is that I dont drive and have no direct route from their house to mine and I can only get home via bus)

I am really upset after that call.

CathyMoran

My gut instinct is that they know that you are upset/keeping something from them and do not know how to approach you. On a lighter note - I remember meeting one of my best friends and his lovely wife for the first time in a coffee shop near our place and had told my daddy that I was meeting people from the internet - my daddy insisted on ringing me to make sure that I was OK Am probably going against most people's posts here but I think that you should tell your parents that you are having financial issues. My husband is adopted too and my mother in law loves him the same way as she loves her other children.

astra2000

Hi that is really upsetting and I know exactly how your feeling been there done that. If you accept that they are not going to change and the way they behave is not your fault, it will make things easier.
It sounds as if resentment and misunderstanding has creeped in on both sides it probably has more to do with a clash in personalities than anything else. My mother is quiet difficult at times but I can also see she has very good qualities too, my older sister is driven mad by her though she rarely sees her and she does not have a good word to say about her, its sad and I am glad that I have managed in recent years to control the situation better and to detach my self from any hurtful comments.
You cant change how they behave but you can change how you react to it accepting that is half the battle.

dudara

astra2000 wrote: »

You cant change how they behave but you can change how you react to it accepting that is half the battle.

This is a great point and one well worth considering.