Bfs mother probs

LegacyUser

My bf has told me that his mother has spoken to him quite regularly on how controlling she thinks i am. I asked him if he believes it and he just avoided the question. I have taken offense to this for a number of reasons and am upset he hasn't put her right. She is a lonely woman, divorced and not working, she doesn't have a lot to keep her occupied. I knew this and was really good to her. Offered to come take her out to lunches etc, took her to a spa with me when i won a competition and had my bf invite her over for dinner a few times, about twice a month. I would see her about 5 or 6 times a month. I feel that i have gone out of my way to be good to her and i'm pretty unhappy that she's saying all of this to my bf.

There was one particular occassion where it started. At an event bfs mother got off her face drunk, was starting fights and getting sick and the whole 9 yards. It was a thing for bfs work so he was off networking and i was left to look after his mother. I was mortified. He seemed to be mortified that i wasn't 'containing' her properly, not actually at his mother. When she was trying to get more drinks (mid getting sick) i told her as nice as i could that she'd had enough and i would either take her home or get some water. After this it was like she hated me.

One night i was due to meet my bf after work, had no word from him when i finished and he wasn't answering his phone or texts. Waited around for an hour before i got a msg that he'd gotten caught up at the mothers. I asked why he just hadn't let me know and his said his mother has banned him from using his phone as its rude-he's 37 and doesn't live with her! We were supposed to go for a dinner but when he arrives he says he's not hungry because she had a meal ready for him and could i not grab something in mc donalds and we'd go to cinema instead.

I got a bit annoyed and asked what was going on because it was weird for him. He said his mother sat him down that night and said that me trying to contact him and get him to dinner was an example of how controlling i am and that he should leave me or be very careful and she's not happy that we're together. He hasn't stood up for me at all, and every now and then if we're in bad form will start going nuts about how i hate his mother?????????


ANY advice please?????

Sleepy

Find a man that's cut the apron strings?

Katgurl

Sleepy wrote: »

Find a man that's cut the apron strings?

I agree here OP I'm afraid, you're not going to win this war.

As I'm sure you've realised, the problem isn't the mother-in-law its your boyfriend's inability to think for himself.

I think you need to sit down with your boyfriend and a) ask him if HE thinks you are bossy & controlling (or whatever the accusation was and b) explain how important it is for you to feel he's on your side.

Hiding behind 'my mum says' is passive and immature. He either agrees with her sentiments (in which case he should man up & say it to you) or he doesn't (man up and say it to her) but what she thinks of you is largely irrelevant and he needs to acknowledge that. You're dating him not his mother.

astra2000

Ok forget about what the mother thinks for a while because it appears that your bf may be thinking along the same lines and this is more of a problem. Firstly be honest with yourself is there any grain of truth in the what shes saying? If you are positive that she is wrong about you been controlling then you need to have a serious chat with your bf. If your bf agrees that your not controlling and his mother is wrong he needs to stand up for you and let her know he will not put up with her badmouthing you.

LegacyUser

well the instance that she used to 'prove' to him that i was controlling was the example where when she knew he and i were going out to a dinner, insisted he come to her home where she had made dinner and then told him he was banned from contacting me regarding being late. To me this sounds like she's the controlling one knowing i'm standing around a street waiting to go out.

I asked him several times why he hadn't told me he would be late and his response was that he hadn't known, he was was just popping into her, and when he got there the meal was ready so he had to eat it, and he couldn't contact me because she got annoyed it was so rude etc


I'm not controlling i'm quite laid back, she had nothing but good things to say about me when i was taking her out and to spa etc pre the night she got so drunk

Beruthiel

mother issues wrote: »

One night i was due to meet my bf after work, had no word from him when i finished and he wasn't answering his phone or texts. Waited around for an hour before i got a msg that he'd gotten caught up at the mothers.

his mother has banned him from using his phone as its rude

We were supposed to go for a dinner but when he arrives he says he's not hungry because she had a meal ready for him

He said his mother sat him down that night and said that me trying to contact him and get him to dinner was an example of how controlling i am and that he should leave me or be very careful and she's not happy that we're together.

He hasn't stood up for me at all, and every now and then if we're in bad form will start going nuts about how i hate his mother?????????

LOL
And she calls you controlling!?!

I'm afraid his relationship with his mother is more than a tad unhealthy.
A 37 year old man should know who he is and what he wants.
A 37 year old man who cannot tell his mother to back off and mind her own business is one you don't want to be involved with.
You will always play second fiddle to her.
Were I in your shoes I'd be telling him he's dumped on the grounds that he he's already got a woman in his life.

Cheap Thrills!

There are none so blind as those who will not see.

He does not WANT to see his Mother for what she is; manipulative.

You can't make him see as he doesn't WANT to. He has obviously been enabling her behaviour for so long that he can't see anything wrong with it.

Well that's HIS decision but he needn't expect you or anyone else to do the same. If you stay with him you're going to have this trouble always I'd say.

THEZAPPA

hmm im going to go at this from a different angle.

Have you ever actually heard or seen his mother talk badly about you?
It all seems like word of mouth to me. He tells you what she says and how he cant use a phone to tell you he will be late. Sorry but even i know you can sneak to a toilet and send a quick text.

Maybe he is using her as an excuse for something else?

Now i could be wrong but thats what i got from reading your posts op.

Just something to think about.

If it is the case were she is saying those things etc then i would talk to her yourself but in a nice way, just ask her instead of your boyfriend being put in the middle of this mother and his girlfriend.

LegacyUser

THEZAPPA wrote: »

hmm im going to go at this from a different angle.

Have you ever actually heard or seen his mother talk badly about you?
It all seems like word of mouth to me. He tells you what she says and how he cant use a phone to tell you he will be late. Sorry but even i know you can sneak to a toilet and send a quick text.

Maybe he is using her as an excuse for something else?

Now i could be wrong but thats what i got from reading your posts op.

Just something to think about.

If it is the case were she is saying those things etc then i would talk to her yourself but in a nice way, just ask her instead of your boyfriend being put in the middle of this mother and his girlfriend.

Thats a bit judgmental IMO, the OP should be able to trust her instincts here and not feel like she is doing something wrong, the mother clearly has a problem with letting go of her son and she wants to test the son to see how loyal he is. This has clearly distressed the OP and she came for a bit of support here its just a pity that some people are harsh with their opinions because the one above is not very helpful.

OP dont be afraid to push your BF on this, dont let him and his traditional ways push you into thinking you have the problem, if your BF wants to be in a committed relationship he needs to be committed to you first, say to him that if you have a family down the line you need to know that he is 100% committed to you and your children, if he does not step up then i think you should move on, but dont let this issue go and be scapegoated like this is your problem, you are not putting him on the middle at all rather they are refusing to deal with the issue, your BF needs to stop letting his mother manipulate him and he needs to deal with this his problem....

if this is what its like now imagine what it will get like down the road, honestly i would show him how tough you can be, and dont feel guilty about it get used to you putting your foot down now, and not let him and his mother control your life they seem to love to project the control thing onto you when its the other way round, you would be doing your BF a favour by forcing him to deal with this.

omniscient_toad

Meatloafmoobs wrote: »

Thats a bit judgmental IMO, the OP should be able to trust her instincts here and not feel like she is doing something wrong, the mother clearly has a problem with letting go of her son and she wants to test the son to see how loyal he is. This has clearly distressed the OP and she came for a bit of support here its just a pity that some people are harsh with their opinions because the one above is not very helpful.

OP dont be afraid to push your BF on this, dont let him and his traditional ways push you into thinking you have the problem, if your BF wants to be in a committed relationship he needs to be committed to you first, say to him that if you have a family down the line you need to know that he is 100% committed to you and your children, if he does not step up then i think you should move on, but dont let this issue go and be scapegoated like this is your problem, you are not putting him on the middle at all rather they are refusing to deal with the issue, your BF needs to stop letting his mother manipulate him and he needs to deal with this his problem....

if this is what its like now imagine what it will get like down the road, honestly i would show him how tough you can be, and dont feel guilty about it get used to you putting your foot down now, and not let him and his mother control your life they seem to love to project the control thing onto you when its the other way round, you would be doing your BF a favour by forcing him to deal with this.

I don't think it's a particularly harsh suggestion, it might even be a case of both, the mother has a problem with her and the boyfriend is happy to go along with it as a passive aggressive method of dealing with some kind of resentment he's too weak or embarrassed to express directly himself. This way he's passing on someone elses opinions and make the mother the bogeyman.

I've had past relationships where a particularly possessive ex-girlfriend would frequently "quote" friends that were certain I was cheating but would never actually say it directly because there was absolutely no reason or evidence to support it. It may be he's simply just utterly incapable of standing up to his mother at 37 and thinking for himself, it just seems he's strangely happy to go along with her opinion that he's being controlled, even as in the original post, to the point where he won't actually disagree when asked. It all seems terribly passive aggresive.

jimmycrackcorm

mother issues wrote: »

My bf has told me that his mother has spoken to him quite regularly on how controlling she thinks i am. I asked him if he believes it and he just avoided the question.

Looks like he also thinks you might be controlling.

THEZAPPA

Meatloafmoobs wrote: »

Thats a bit judgmental IMO, the OP should be able to trust her instincts here and not feel like she is doing something wrong, the mother clearly has a problem with letting go of her son and she wants to test the son to see how loyal he is. This has clearly distressed the OP and she came for a bit of support here its just a pity that some people are harsh with their opinions because the one above is not very helpful.

OP dont be afraid to push your BF on this, dont let him and his traditional ways push you into thinking you have the problem, if your BF wants to be in a committed relationship he needs to be committed to you first, say to him that if you have a family down the line you need to know that he is 100% committed to you and your children, if he does not step up then i think you should move on, but dont let this issue go and be scapegoated like this is your problem, you are not putting him on the middle at all rather they are refusing to deal with the issue, your BF needs to stop letting his mother manipulate him and he needs to deal with this his problem....

if this is what its like now imagine what it will get like down the road, honestly i would show him how tough you can be, and dont feel guilty about it get used to you putting your foot down now, and not let him and his mother control your life they seem to love to project the control thing onto you when its the other way round, you would be doing your BF a favour by forcing him to deal with this.

I never meant to come across as harsh just going at it from a different angle fyi. She wants advice and I am giving her some advice.

All I meant OP is for you to talk to the mother (go to the source) and also talk to your boyfriend and get a straight answer.

Hope it all works out OP