bf and food...

LegacyUser

hi all,

ok, my boyfriend of 9 months, with whom I am very close to and him me is annoying me lately. He thinks and talks about food all the time - and at meal times he eats almost without chewing. He food it gone long before everyone else's. And he is putting on weight and it is not attractive. There have been occasions of late when we were eating with others and it is embarrassing. I have mentioned it to him in a "how is the diet going " kind of way - as he said he was on a diet - following a moment of anger when his shirt no longer fitted him. He said it was ok - but it is obviously not.

This is a big issue for me - it is just not attractive - listening to him talk about food and then the way he eats. I know it sounds shallow but it is embarrassing... and undesirable. So, snide remarks aside, What would ye do? What ye think lads? Ladies?

Nody

Sounds to me that he may have an eating disorder; but seperatly from that are his eating habits/weight gains something new or was there for the full time you've known him? You mentioned diet and could it simply be that he's on a crap diet and is constantly hungry because of it and hence over eat and gain weight because of it?

Either way I'd sit down with him and ask him honestly what's going on and see what he says. You'll most likely also need to encourage him to excercise more and you should do it with him (not because you need it but to help him getting into the habit of excercising and it stops him from making excuses not to if you drag him there). Don't mean that as in signing up for a gym but taking him out and walk for an hour each day etc.

seamus

for the love of food wrote: »

ok, my boyfriend of 9 months, with whom I am very close to and him me is annoying me lately.

Welcome to a relationship.
There are things about him that will annoy you. Don't focus on trying to change them, focus on trying to live with them. If you can't live with them, then you'll just have to let him go.

He thinks and talks about food all the time - and at meal times he eats almost without chewing. He food it gone long before everyone else's. And he is putting on weight and it is not attractive.

These things are not entirely unrelated. Eating faster means that you don't feel full when you've finished your meal and you end up eating more than you should. However, you'll find that in general men eat faster than women. I know that 90% of the time when I'm out for a meal, I'll be finished about five minutes before everyone else. I cannot understand this - I don't know what people are doing to eat so slowly; playing with their food or flapping their gums or something. When I'm eating at the in-law's, I'm usually finished my meal and it looks like the mother-in-law has only started eating.

This is not behaviour that I can change and I'm not the least bit embarrassed about it. You shouldn't be either. So what if he's finished before everyone else? If he's eating like a pig or making obnoxious noises, then maybe say something to him about it, but if it's just a case that he's sitting there twiddling his thumbs when everyone else is eating, what's the big deal? He can drink water or sip on his wine and join in the chat.

If you're concerned about his weight, then that's a good bit harder to sort. From what you say, he clearly enjoys his food, which is not a bad thing, but he himself has to recognise his love affair with food and control it. You can't force him to do this and if he doesn't accept that he has a problem controlling his weight or his eating habits, then there's little you can do about it.

Men are about as careful of their appearance as women are, but they're a little less sensitive about constructive comments on their appearance. Tell him exactly what you've said here, but in a gentler way. Tell him that he are concerned about his weight for his health and that although you still think he's attractive, tell him he was much sexier half a stone ago. He may or may not act on it, but either way, you tried.

One thing to note is that any weight loss requires support. If he decides to make a go of a diet, then you have to watch what you're eating too. Suggesting take aways or dinners out or cheeky cafe lunches when you know he's trying to diet is like asking a recovering alcoholic to join you in the pub. Similarly, don't fill your presses with biscuits and cakes and expect him to sit there and watch you eat them.

As Nody says quite rightly - if you join him in the dieting/exercise regime, it'll make it way easier for him to keep it up. And it's good for you too. That's how my (now) wife conned convinced me - asked me to join her in going to weightwatchers because she didn't want to go on her own, when in actual fact she was more concerned about my weight than hers.

RedXIV

As a tubby bf (18 stone of me :eek:) of a woman who gave birth less than 4 months ago and is back in size 6-8 clothes, this is something that I've started to think about. I used to be very fit, played alot of sports, walked everywhere, entered martial art tournaments, the works. And then I did computers in college and it all kinda collapsed on me. I wasn't able to get time to go and burn calories that i was used to consuming when I was training and as such I started to put on weight. And I ignored it for a good while.

But when my OH got pregnent I said I'd try and lose weight with her when the baby came. Now I should point out that as she was breast feeding she had a huge advantage but I did try. I had a ridiculous diet, cutting out pretty much everything and I had exercise routines shoved at me and needless to say, I gave it all up.

The trick I'm finding now is small changes that I can stick to. In work, the local shop has a deal for a roll, crisps and coke for 4 quid. So now I get a roll and a bottle of water after asking if that was ok. And I'll stick to it. I changed my breakfast to being porridge. Fills you up like nobodies business. I cut out beer most of the time, tried to get sweets out of my diet and other healthy changes. And by doing them one at a time, i'm getting used to it. I LOVE porridge now, a statement I would never have said a year ago. I'm trying to cut down on portion size and trying that thing that seamus mentioned about eating slower to feel full faster. Also, if he gets hungry, a pint of water straight away. That helps me find out if i'm actually hungry or bored.

Also, with my lack of exercise due to my fascination with TV I got an exercise bike for in front of the tv. Haven't used it nearly as much as I should but I'll get there!

But I would echo as said here, support is the key. My OH has the worlds worst sweet tooth and there's ALWAYS nice things to eat in the house. But she is trying to get toned up too so I am using that as motivation.

Best of luck either way but you'll def have to get him on board with you or nothing will happen from it

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies.

first of all - he used to be very heavy apparently - before we met - and he told me he use to eat too much out of stress - but then he lost a lot of it.

i have said it to him and he says "yeah - i have to become more motivated"..

i suggested he go back to weightwatchers - he says - yeah - after xmas..

he cannot go running anymore as he has damaged his achilles - a few months ago..

I have persuaded him to go and get physio - which he is doing this week..

TBH - he has a love affair with food - and it is not attractive - it is turning me off him..

he was not like this when i met him first - perhaps a little - but now all he seems to talk about it food. Maybe it is the fact that its winter.

I am not happy about me having to bring this up as I do not want it to become an issue with us. I have mentioned it and hoped he would get the point - but i do not think so.

Am I shallow? Its not only the weight increase, but his infatuation with food that is putting me off him..

Is this an eating disorder? I do not know. Why would someone eat so much when they know they are putting on a big fat belly?

ManOfMystery

for the love of food wrote: »

Is this an eating disorder? I do not know. Why would someone eat so much when they know they are putting on a big fat belly?

That's a question I doubt any of us can answer correctly .............. if we could then there wouldn't be an obesity problem in the world.

But if I had to take a guess? I don't think there's an underlying problem or anything with your boyfriend. It's more likely a simple lack of discipline/control when it comes to eating and possibly the fact that whether he puts on a few pounds or not is way lower on his list of priorities than yours.

And as for loving food, well, I don't think it's right or wrong - some people simply do love their food to the point it's almost like an unhealthy obsession, the same way other people may be big into sex, gambling, whatever. I know a few people who fall into that category as regards food.

But the fact remains that if this type of behaviour is a change for him, and he's becoming a different guy to the one you started going out with, then you're well within your rights to bring it up with him. Whereas if he'd always been like this and you were simply getting fed up with it or wanting to change him, I'd tell you to live with it.

seamus

for the love of food wrote: »

Is this an eating disorder? I do not know. Why would someone eat so much when they know they are putting on a big fat belly?

Why would someone smoke when they know the damage it's doing to their lungs and the smell it makes them reek? Why would someone drink heavily when they know it's destroying their liver?

It's an addiction. And like most addictions, you don't even realise it's grabbed you until you're a few months or years down the line and you're feeling the effects.

Motivation is always a problem, and it's the hardest thing to give yourself. Again, like most addictions, the worse you feel about the addiction, the deeper you sink in to it. If he's unhappy about his weight, then that is counter-productively more likely to make him eat more to make him feel better.

Help him. He clearly has little motivation - procrastinating on weightwatchers, why? There are plenty of other exercises he could do that don't involve stress on the achilles, yet he has this beautiful excuse now to not do any exercise. No matter what you say to him at this stage, he's not going to magically get full of beans and go out and sort himself out. After Christmas, he'll have some other reason why weightwatchers can wait. And his achilles will still be sore and he'll keep putting off exercise "just in case I hurt it again".

So help him - go to weightwatchers yourself and ask him to come with. Find another form of exercise which works, cycling perhaps, and ask him to join you.

Otherwise you're going to be posting here in 6 months time complaining that your boyfriend has no motivation and has put on a big belly since you posted here last.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Agree with the underlying problem point. I think weightwatchers would just be short term fix.

He needs to establish why he's scared of taking action on his weight and why he over eats.

Allen Carr Easyweigh is quite good. I don't have a weight problem but I'm reading it out of interest - I think it would well help someone with a psychological eating problem.