How to turn a guy down nicely?

LegacyUser

Hi Ladies I am looking for some advice and I hope this is the right place to put this.

Last night at a party I was talking to this foreigner, we'll call him Alex. He is a neighbor of mine. I was pretty drunk and I must have been sending out the wrong signals or something, but next thing I know he is kissing me. I went with it for a few seconds, as I was drunk and not in full control then pushed him away and told him I couldn't! He kept asking why and stuff so I panicked and said I had a boyfriend, then left the party.

Now I'm not trying to be mean and I'm sure he is a lovely guy, but I am not attracted to him in any way shape or form! However, here is where it gets difficult, last week I kissed his friend who I really fancy. Haven't talked to that guy since but would like to get to know him better. The language barrier is hard to break through though.

So this morning when I woke up I had a message from Alex saying:

" I was just thinking about yesterday and i'm not sure about everything you told me last night. I enjoyed staying around with you at the party. It actually didn't go further, because you didn't have the mood to do it. I casually have seen your status in facebook described as separated, which confused me a bit. I'm not angry at all but i was just wondering if it was an excuse to get rid of me."

How do I reply to that, any comments appreciated! I don't want to lie and say I have a boyfriend. However he doesn't seem to understand that I'm not interested! I want to be as nice as possible about it, as I will bump into him and his friends quite a lot. I don't want to hurt his feelings!

Thanks!! xxx

Wibbs

More suited to here I think.

Well, he sounds a bit slow if he hasn't got the message already. Some men seem to think you owe them an 'explanation' about why you don't want to be with them, which to be honest really annoys me. It's not really any of his business whether you have a boyfriend or not. I couldn't imagine asking a guy why he didn't fancy me, and challenging him about his fictional girlfriend! How awkward!
And saying 'I'm not angry at all' is weird, as if he would have a right to be angry (which he doesn't).

Perhaps I'm a bit touchy about it, but I've met quite a few men like this and I hate having to justify myself to people I don't even know. If you didn't want to kiss him, he should respect that, not keep asking you why and asking you questions about your Facebook, trying to catch you out. It's not as if you led him on for weeks and then rejected him. If I were you, I'd just spell it out: I'm not interested in you. But be prepared for him to keep asking why, as if there has to be some brilliant reason for not fancying him, as if you're obliged to provide him with a reason he thinks is good enough.

LegacyUser

Thanks Blaire Shapely Frisbee i agree that it is very strange! It's something I have never really encountered before!

I was going to write back something like
"hey, the kiss last night shouldn't have happened and I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression but I am not interested in getting involved with anybody. I'm sure you are a really nice guy but I have enough men-problems at the moment!"

but that looks like it was my fault? I hate having to explain myself to anybody and he seems like the kind of guy that would actually call me on it in the future if he saw me with somebody else! I am single for the first time in years and I just want to enjoy myself for a while, not have to pander to some guy!

holystungun9

Be very clear and to the point. If you are are really nicely nicely and turn it in to a long conversation he probably be even more smitten because you are so sweet about it. "Awh man, what a sweet heart, now I know she is the girl for me, I'll just take a back seat, face stalk her etc, until she needs a shoulder to cry on some day and then she will be mine, mine I tell you!"

honru

Be honest with him. Tell him you said you had a boyfriend because the situation made you uncomfortable, and that you're not interested in taking it further. If he asks why, say you're simply not attracted.

You're not being "mean" or rude: you're being true to your experience. You're not attacking "him", the person. If something like this batters his ego then that's his problem.

Sometimes there's no "nice way" to "reject someone" but I always feel honesty is the best policy in these type of situations.

I am a friend

Just say thanks for the nice text but that you would rather remain only friends with him. You dont need to explain more than that.

estadio

There is no nice way of turning down a guy. This is coming from a guy, be honest and tell him the truth. Its better for him to know straight away then him thinking for a long time he has a chance. You don't need to give a reason though.

HavingCrack

I am a friend wrote: »

Just say thanks for the nice text but that you would rather remain only friends with him. You dont need to explain more than that.

As a guy, don't give the 'lets just be friends' speech, it's irritating and can be very frustrating to understand, the guy wants to go out with you, not be your new bff. Just say I'm sorry but I'm just not attracted to you and leave it at that. If he want's to remain friends he will, if he doesn't both of you can move on. He'll appreciate the honesty.

pwd

It sounds like he's being dreadfully pushy, though he might be just genuinely confused by you saying you couldn't, rather than you didn't want to.

I think most people of either gender prefer straightforward communication about interest. It might seem mean or rude to knock someone back directly, but it's actually a lot more considerate than entertaining them if you have no interest, as that is likely to lead to them making a fool of themselves.

Say something like "Yes it was an excuse. I dont fancy you. Sorry, I should have been more direct, and I apologise if I confused you."

Distorted

I think thats really pushy on his part! Any guy should accept the boyfriend excuse and not text the next night. If you really had a boyfriend, this might have caused you trouble. I find the comments about you not "having the mood to do it" and him "not being angry" intrusive. I'd either totally ignore his text (and the follow ups) or simply text him back "Sorry, I'm not interested".

I'm much nicer to nice guys I'm not interested in than this, but I find this type of hustling and hassling deeply irritating, and I can pretty much be sure which nationality he is!

I certainly wouldn't enter into a dialogue with him. You've already told him you're not interested.

pwd

Distorted wrote: »

I think thats really pushy on his part! Any guy should accept the boyfriend excuse and not text the next night. If you really had a boyfriend, this might have caused you trouble. I find the comments about you not "having the mood to do it" and him "not being angry" intrusive. I'd either totally ignore his text (and the follow ups) or simply text him back "Sorry, I'm not interested".

I'm much nicer to nice guys I'm not interested in than this, but I find this type of hustling and hassling deeply irritating, and I can pretty much be sure which nationality he is!

I certainly wouldn't enter into a dialogue with him. You've already told him you're not interested.

Well I imagined him as a certain nationality too, because he reminds me of someone I know of that nationality. That particular person does get strange ideas about women. But if I think about that too though I can think of plenty of Irish people and other nationalities who do too: So it's not fair to generalise as you just develop racist attitudes that way.

People from different cultures are often accustomed to different ways of relating to each other. In my mind the fact he's foreign provides the benefit of the doubt that he is genuinely confused and trying to gain an understanding, rather than validating the idea that he is just a pushy creep.

weatherguy

Just tell him you don't fancy him and are not interested in him romantically.

I am a friend

gal-needs-help! wrote: »

I was going to write back something like
"hey, the kiss last night shouldn't have happened and I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression but I am not interested in getting involved with anybody. I'm sure you are a really nice guy but I have enough men-problems at the moment!"

No!! Too much information and it admits you were lying... Least said, soonest mended.

Zen65

gal-needs-help! wrote: »

......last week I kissed his friend who I really fancy. Haven't talked to that guy since but would like to get to know him better. The language barrier is hard to break through though.

Is it possible that Alex is has spoken to his friend in the meantime, and now they're both trying to figure out whether or not you are interested in either of them? So Alex texts to check the story..........?

I think you should either ignore his text or send back something very short e.g. "Alex, we cannot be more than friends".

Be at peace,


Z

trebor28

im not sure ye should all be jumping down this guys throat so much.

as the op said, she was talking to him for a while, was quite drunk, doesnt know if she was leading him on, they kissed, she stopped, he texts the next day, english obviously isnt that good, stuff gets lost in translation.

i dont see what is wrong with that "text" that you could have sent but didnt.

its being completely honest, and if he cant accept it then you can take matters another direction.

maybe he has a serious thing for you and is completely confused by all this, which it seems he is.

you messed up by kissing him, fair enough, it happens.
you messed up by saying you had a boyfriend, fair enough you panicked, it happens, though it shouldnt.

op you are not some teenager i presume??
you know what happens when drink is consumed, something similar has surely happened before has it not?

LegacyUser

Yes i was pretty drunk and I can't say for definite that I wasn't leading him on, but I really don't think I was! Mainly because, as stated before, I have a bit of a thing for his friend. In the end I sent a version of the text I posted earlier. I know it's better to be honest, but I would personally find a lot of the replies given here a little blunt. Maybe I'm naive.

No I'm not some teenager, I'm 26. But I've been part of a couple for years, and even now that I'm single I don't kiss people I don't fancy, particularly to avoid this type of situation. I haven't kissed someone I didn't fancy since my teenage disco years! with or without alcohol involved! Last night was a crazy exception, and I wasn't expecting that at all!!

No I don't think it was in any way serious, just stuff getting lost in translation. I just wasn't sure how to proceed with it! It's all cool now, he replied saying that that was ok.

Thanks to everyone who replied!

JonathanAnon

Why wouuld he try and kiss you if you'd been with his friend two weeks previous??

pwd

JonathanAnon wrote: »

Why wouuld he try and kiss you if you'd been with his friend two weeks previous??

Why wouldn't he?
Kissing someone doesn't equate to being in a relationship with them

CdeC

he's a neighbour, you kissed for a few seconds. Just be honest and let him know. if there is no attraction there than you may as well let him know.

"Hi Alex, I'm sorry I'm not interested in anything more than a friendship.

Short to the point and no interpretation needed.

We're all adults and its annoying when you like someone and they dont like you back.

He'll feel rejected for a week and then move on.

LighterGuy

In my experience:

- "Sorry I have a boyfriend" is the most clichest excuse but its the most common way a girl will say they are not into you. (as the op did in this case)

- "your not my type" its a nice way of saying "i dont find you attractive" (which is the most nicest and honest ways of letting someone know)


Op,
in most situations it better to be direct. You said to this guy you had a boyfriend but lets be honest, you wanna get to know his mate. Now you are in a situation trying to see how to let him know the story and still try to get to know his mate. Its just an experience that you should just be direct.

claireeney

Can you not just say "I was with someone last week and I want to see how it turns out"

If he knows you were with his friend then he also knows your not lying. It also gives you another reason down the line to get away in that it'd be awkward to be with him after being with his friend. No more explanation needed as it would be none of his business!

job done. :cool:

Overheal

Being direct is so much better than rosy and ubiquitous. You might hurt the guy's feelings for a day or two but it's better than week's or months of still being confused thinking he's got a shot.

the worst thing that will come from telling him you aren't attracted to him at all is that he will insert sadface and come start his own PI thread, get some encouragement, and be off on his way again.