How soon to tell Ex I've met someone

LegacyUser

Broke up with ex a few months ago but we still live together as house mates (joint mortgage) and recently ive have starting seeing someone else.

At the moment keeping it from my ex to avoid hurting them (they still heartbroken) .

Not sure but think that i should sooner rather than later let the cat out of the bag and tell my ex so that we can all get on with our lives.

Or should i try to keep it quiet for a bit longer ?

I am a friend

assoonasicanidliketo wrote: »

Broke up with ex a few months ago but we still live together as house mates (joint mortgage) and recently ive have starting seeing someone else.

I would wait a while - a long while.. Its only barely off and you are in a new relationship already. There is no need to tell your ex unless you are going to start bringing home your new to sleep over... I dont think that would be a good idea while you are living with the ex.

Can you move out? Then you dont need to tell him / her and hurt him / her further...

LegacyUser

I think you should tell you ex, let them know before they find out off someone else. But I also think you should sell the house!

TitoPuente

Agree with the above. If the guy's heartbroken then it'll torture him if you start bringing the new guy over to stay the night. I'd stay quiet about it until you move out, he moves out or whatever.

silkworm53

It's been a few months so you are entitled to live your own life as you wish.
If he doesn't like it - tough luck.
Should it become a problem well then you should consider moving out or he should move out.
You broke with each other.
It's over so time to move on.
Seriously:)
Best of luck.

I am a friend

silkworm53 wrote: »

It's been a few months so you are entitled to live your own life as you wish.
If he doesn't like it - tough luck.
Should it become a problem well then you should consider moving out or he should move out.
You broke with each other.
It's over so time to move on.
Seriously:)
Best of luck.

No way. MOst new relationships fail so there is no need to hurt someone needlessly over a new relationship that has a good chance of not working out anyway....

Op, there is no need to tell them. You can be discreet and respectful of your ex by keeping this 'relationship' out from under their noses. I personally think it would be very ignorant to start parading someone new in your ex's own home... How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

BTW, why are you rushing into a new relationship so soon esp when you are still living with your ex???

There is no need to tell unless you want to brag...

TitoPuente

silkworm53 wrote: »

It's been a few months so you are entitled to live your own life as you wish.
If he doesn't like it - tough luck.

Yeah but there's such thing as being a considerate, decent human being as well. The OP should take that into account as well.

LighterGuy

Op, since the relationship is over you really should not live together. i know its easy for me to just come out and say that but none the less its still true.

Its been a few months as you say. But by not telling him you dont want to rock the boat as you have financial investment in the house - but due to the fact the relationship is over you cant help the boat getting rocked. Either by you or him.

Am I right to believe that upon the relationship ending you and your ex agreed to some sort of arrangement (that being staying on as roommates as you both have a share in the house?)

Situations like these always end nasty op. You could date this person for months or he could do the same with someone new. Then either you or him could want the new person in their lives to stay over somenights > and thats just one problem!
Due to the fact its over and other people will be entering lives - it will be hard to even maintain an agreement.

silkworm53

I am a friend wrote: »

No way. MOst new relationships fail so there is no need to hurt someone needlessly over a new relationship that has a good chance of not working out anyway....

Op, there is no need to tell them. You can be discreet and respectful of your ex by keeping this 'relationship' out from under their noses. I personally think it would be very ignorant to start parading someone new in your ex's own home... How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

BTW, why are you rushing into a new relationship so soon esp when you are still living with your ex???

There is no need to tell unless you want to brag...

A few months is not too soon. More than long enough.
The relationship is over and the OP can do what she wants.
If her ex has a problem - that's just too bad - she isn't married to him, what they had is over and he can't tie her up and stop her from meeting someone knew - that's the deal when a relationship finishes - you are free to meet new people.

LighterGuy

silkworm53 wrote: »

It's been a few months so you are entitled to live your own life as you wish.
If he doesn't like it - tough luck.
Should it become a problem well then you should consider moving out or he should move out.
You broke with each other.
It's over so time to move on.
Seriously:)
Best of luck.

Thats the real issue here. Its not your regular "should i tell my ex i met someone new?" (which all of us would say to hell with your ex. thats the past)
But both parties have financial investment here. And thats where things will get messy. Both the op and her ex both have a share and mark my words nither will be willing to move out.

Op to touch again what I wrote above - how long do you see this "arragement" working? ... to the market gets better? (as I imagine that was the agreement) ... I just forsee alot of pain and hassle perhaps even hatred. In the end the house will be rented out to or sold to just get rid of the situation. I would be more worrying about the future than telling your ex you met someone new.

TitoPuente

silkworm53 wrote: »

A few months is not too soon.
The relationship is over and the OP can do what she wants.

Of course she can. That doesn't mean that she should. I've said my piece about being a decent person. I hope the OP takes it into consideration.

LegacyUser

I would suggest you hold off until you know where the new relationship is going. If your ex is still heartbroken then you will only be adding to the hurt, is it worth it for something that could fizzle out fairly fast?
Also just wondering why you are sharing a house? I presume you can't sell at the moment but would it not make sense for one or both of you to move out and rent the property? It would make both your lives a lot easier as it can't be easy to see each other every day.

I am a friend

silkworm53 wrote: »

A few months is not too soon. More than long enough..

Depends on your own viewpoint. From my point, I would not get involved with a guy who has just broken up with someone and who is still living with them... No thanks.

LegacyUser

OP here,,, thanks for everyone's opinions ,, its very helpful to get others thoughts.

Looks like we'll probably try to sell the house down the road , probably after christmas , Nov and dec are bad months for selling .

Also a bit more time for healing would be good i think ,, i've decided not to tell my ex bout my new relationship ,, think its more decent that way , no point hurting them more.
And i would never dream of taking someone home , way too nasy a thing to do.

Im try gonna keep it quiet for another month or so and then if my ex finds out, they find out but it wont be from me.

If im confronted bout it , ill tell them i didnt want to hurt them further.

Thats all i can do at present ,,

What is hard however is making up lies where im sleeping over.
Thats what i really find hard.

iguana

Aside from the ex issue have you looked at all options about your living arrangements? If selling isn't an option (and tbh, the longer you wait the harder it will be to sell, house prices have quite a way down to go yet) have you looked at one of you moving out and then renting out and the other getting a flatmate. If the one who moves out, moves into a house-share the rent paid should be similar to the rent received so the financial situation should be the same.

But emotionally it will be healthier. You have moved on but your ex is still heartbroken. Living with you is the very worst thing possible for this person in terms of them being able to move on too.

LegacyUser

iguana wrote: »

Aside from the ex issue have you looked at all options about your living arrangements? If selling isn't an option (and tbh, the longer you wait the harder it will be to sell, house prices have quite a way down to go yet) have you looked at one of you moving out and then renting out and the other getting a flatmate. If the one who moves out, moves into a house-share the rent paid should be similar to the rent received so the financial situation should be the same.

But emotionally it will be healthier. You have moved on but your ex is still heartbroken. Living with you is the very worst thing possible for this person in terms of them being able to move on too.

Id be happy to move out and house share , but my ex wont go for this ,, not yet anyhow.
They said they could not live with a stranger ,,full stop.

I really dont think house prices will go down any lower , but what do i know,, selling is an option but probably not till after xmas.

You really think living with the person is the worst thing for them?
Im not so sure to be honest.
They say its good for them , being able to talk and having a friend who cares for them around .
Im making sure they eat and keeping an eye out for them,, i would have thought that appropriate caring and love (of the family kind) would do them good ?
Thats what my ex says anyway

iguana

backagainformoretorture wrote: »

You really think living with the person is the worst thing for them?
Im not so sure to be honest.
They say its good for them , being able to talk and having a friend who cares for them around .
Im making sure they eat and keeping an eye out for them,, i would have thought that appropriate caring and love (of the family kind) would do them good ?
Thats what my ex says anyway

Your ex will never, ever get over you as long as you still live together and "look after" her/him like this. It's deeply unhealthy. Sometimes you have to be "cruel" to be kind, this person needs to get on with life as a single person, it's the only way to move forward.

LighterGuy

Yes.
When two people break up its apart of the healing process to be away from each other. This is why I think your situation has a very high likelihood of getting very messy.

seenitall

LighterGuy wrote: »

Yes.
When two people break up its apart of the healing process to be away from each other. This is why I think your situation has a very high likelihood of getting very messy.

The situation is pretty messy as it is, imo.

You have been lying to him/her where you spend your nights? Are you sure this is to protect their feelings, as opposed to saving yourself the hassle of the drama that would ensue if they knew the truth?

This ex of yours doesn't have a lot of dignity, and you don't have a lot of respect for them, if you can carry on with this charade for so long. Horrible situation to be in, I would be getting out of there double-quick for the sake of everyone's mental health, but of course, you are not the one who is heartbroken and pining after your "carer" who is doing someone else when away.

Sometimes I think my username is not so well suited to me after all...

LighterGuy

I agree "SometimesSeenItAll" :P

astra2000

backagainformoretorture wrote: »

Id be happy to move out and house share , but my ex wont go for this ,, not yet anyhow.
They said they could not live with a stranger ,,full stop.

I really dont think house prices will go down any lower , but what do i know,, selling is an option but probably not till after xmas.

You really think living with the person is the worst thing for them?
Im not so sure to be honest.
They say its good for them , being able to talk and having a friend who cares for them around .
Im making sure they eat and keeping an eye out for them,, i would have thought that appropriate caring and love (of the family kind) would do them good ?
Thats what my ex says anyway

It sounds like your ex is saying that because she/he still loves you and is hoping for a reconcilliation. Its a few months and you still need to keep an eye on them to the point where you have to make sure theyve eaten, that is not good I think that you been there may actually be hampering your ex moving on rather than helping. You should seriously consider renting a room in a shared house and letting your ex live in the house alone until after christmas.
On another note you also need to consider your new partners feelings while he/she may be understanding of your situation for now that wont carry on indefintly. A clean break may be what is called for much and all as it will hurt.

pwd

Time to cut the apron strings tbh.

Beruthiel

backformoretorture wrote: »

What is hard however is making up lies where im sleeping over.
Thats what i really find hard.

If they are you're ex, why do you need to tell them anything about where you are? It's no longer their business.

Also, if they are still upset about the breakup, it's unfair that they have to see you on a daily basis. Must be mental torture for them.
Move out and rent the room.

You really think living with the person is the worst thing for them?

The absolute worst thing.
How can they hope to get over you if they see you every day?
How can they get on with their lives?
They can't.
Thus, the misery continues for longer.

00112984

The only reason you'd have to tell an ex that you've met someone new is if you share children and there's the issue of a new partner posisbly coming into contact with those kids.

In this situation, leave it for as long as posiible- that is until you know whether the new relationship is likely to be very long term.

Definitely try to find new living arrangements. Sounds like the ex is enjoying having you around to "look after" him/her.

magneticimpulse

You should move out...move back home to parents if you must or in with the new person. Why would anyone want to torture and live with an ex ive no idea why!!!

LegacyUser

OP here

Thanks EVERYONE,,

Moving out this week .

Sleepy

backagainformoretorture wrote: »

Id be happy to move out and house share , but my ex wont go for this ,, not yet anyhow.
They said they could not live with a stranger ,,full stop.

Well, they they'll have to find enough to pay you the level of rent you'd get if you were to rent out your half of the house or move out to something they can afford when you've let the house out as a couple/sold it. You both need to realise that living together is now a financial arrangement.

I really dont think house prices will go down any lower , but what do i know,, selling is an option but probably not till after xmas.

Unless you're in a very exclusive area, they're going to go a lot lower still. Morgan Kelly has just highlighted the level of mortgage defaults we can expect in the near future. With all these repossessed homes hitting the market, property prices will fall further. Even then, they'll be over-valued as NAMA, by design, is artificially propping up prices.

You really think living with the person is the worst thing for them?
Im not so sure to be honest.
They say its good for them , being able to talk and having a friend who cares for them around .
Im making sure they eat and keeping an eye out for them,, i would have thought that appropriate caring and love (of the family kind) would do them good ?
Thats what my ex says anyway

Living with a friend might be good for him/her. Living with you, not so much. You're a constant reminder of what your home was supposed to be, of what (s)he's lost and tbh, from the sounds of it, false hope that things will go back to the way they were.

A plaster always hurts least if you tear it off quickly.

Chicago Chick

Have to say I agree with most of the other posters on here and think you are making the right decision by moving out OP. Even though you are not in love with your ex anymore you obviously care about them from your actions and so it is best to try and let your ex move on.

I have seen the effects of a situation almost identical to this first hand. My best friend and partner broke up and decided to stay in their home and share it as friends/housemates. My friends partner then started dating someone new and while they were happy to move on my best friend was not and was privately wishing if they stayed in the house long enough that they would get back together. The heartbreak that followed when my friend had to watch the ex going out on dates etc with their new partner was terrible. The new partner never came into the house, only waited outside but it was a contant reminder every day of what was going on and it was only after they both moved out and rented the house that my friend started to heal. I know every experience is difference but this is just a little insight into what I have seen. Good luck with it all.