Desperation Radar

LegacyUser

Just wanting a little feedback here, from both a male and female perspective.

Do ye think that once women hit 30 that they emit some sort of desperation radar??? As in men can smell the desperation off them, and there's not much you can do to hide it?

I'm what I would consider a confident, successful, happy 30 year old, single woman. I wouldn't say I'm desperate for a man by any means, but I have been out there actively looking and have dated quite a few guys over the past year, some with more success than others.

But lately, I seem to worrying that I am coming across as a bit desperate, when in my head, I think I'm far from it. Is this something other women have experienced, or that men sense from women. I think I am freaking men out. What sounds in my head as me being upfront and to the point and in control, I fear is coming across as desperate and needy (e.g. most recent guy I was dating, didn't seem that interested, had stood me up, stopped texting, etc. I bumped into him on a night out, stayed hanging around him, and kept telling him just to tell me that he wasn't that interested, and telling him I really didn't care that he didn't like me!).

There's no way the me of my 20s would have acted the way I hear myself now acting, and I wonder why that is?! Logically I don't think I'm that obsessed with meeting that special someone, but like everyone else, I do have needs, urges and desires. Why do I act all needy and desperate now though when I didn't before?

seamus

Little bit of tough love here. You say you think that you're up front and in control, but this:

desperate 30 wrote: »

I bumped into him on a night out, stayed hanging around him, and kept telling him just to tell me that he wasn't that interested, and telling him I really didn't care that he didn't like me!).

does not sound like someone who's confident and in control. Sure, he took the wimp's way out, but rather than chalk him down as such as take his cue that he wasn't interested, you hounded him. In reality you should know that any guy who treats you like he did isn't worth the effort and you're well shot.

You may well be a little paranoid. Single women in their 30's are getting something of a raw deal in today's society. On one hand it's more than ever perfectly acceptable to be a 30-something spinster, you are still respected by your friends and family and you have more confidence than ever.
At the same time, women in their 30s are seen socially as ticking biological clocks, desparate to get their claws into a man and settle down.
As such, even if a 30-something woman isn't desperate, most men will have that prejudice about them when approached and will be naturally hasty about being overly eager, lest she get the wrong idea.

All you can really do is assure yourself that's not you. I think "dating" is probably the best way to go about getting to know people in your 30s. It's harder to meet people randomly when many of your friends are settled and not into mad nights out anymore. In addition, you would expect when dating that both people have the maturity and confidence to say, "Nah this isn't going to work, let's leave it", and walk away with no hard feelings.

LegacyUser

Hi First of all that guy should not have stood you up or left you haging in the many ways he seem to have, thats just a side effect of todays dating world where to much emphasis is put on replys to and from phones, emails and what have you.

if he stood you up then at 30 yrs old you should have enough experience to have not bothered with this person again, he is not interested in you in any way, shape or form and he let you know this in a cowardly yet precise way, you may well be strong, confident anfd happy being single at 30 yrs of age:in your mind! but in the harsh reality of life your potraying yourself as just another silly person who wants what they cant have, if this is not the case then why chase after someone who stood you up and ignored you and then you childishly ask him to tell you he doesnt like you and its no big deal as you dont care! you dont? so why all the questions, this is nothing to do with desperation or anything else, this is to do with simple rejection and not handling it very well, fact of life is that rejection happens more and more and thats ok as it only takes one leap of faith for rejection not to matter anymore. good luck in the future.

Squor

Hi, I dont think you or women in around 30 come off as desperate at all. I have found that women of that age are confident and know what they want. BTW Im 31 yr old male and single. I think all of us when we get to this age kinda know what we want finding it is of course a totally different matter. I do have to agree with the post about when ya hung around the guy saying if he aint interested just say it, unfortunately he said it by not saying it if you get what Im saying. Thats by the way not excusing his behaviour, I know when Im not interested I let the person know, I think its only fair.
You say you have been on a few dates this yr, where did you meet these people if you dont mind me asking, through friends work etc or in a pub. I have found to find someone you like you arent likely to meet them in the pub club scene, but there are exceptions to the rule. Bottom line, ya dont come across desperate

LighterGuy

Op,
I dont think you are coming off as "desperate".
Take that guy for example, you were at him to tell you how come things just stopped.

I think you were not just looking for closure but trying to get him to say "whats wrong with you" - while in reality things just could of stopped for reasons other than "something wrong with you"


You say you are confident. Which may be true op. But a person can be confident in one area of their life, and not in another.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, nice to get your feedback.

seamus "does not sound like someone who's confident and in control" and lighter guy "a person can be confident in one area of their life, and not in another.".....you are absolutely right, it just annoys me that I can be confident in other parts of my life, and have usually been pretty confident when it comes to dating, but all of a sudden I seem to saying or doing these things, illogically, that make me sound needy or desperate.

I'm probably just overanalysing due to the bad rep that women 30+ get, and how we are all so conscious not to come across needy or desperate, that we do just that!!!

As squor suggests, I would like to think I'm confident and know what I want, but I think sometimes me being confident and assertive, which works well in other parts of my life, can come across as desperate in a dating situation....i.e. just tell me what you want, and stop messing with my time.

"where did you meet these people if you dont mind me asking, through friends work etc or in a pub."
.....a bit of all of the above to be honest. Obviously, being Irish, and the way we operate, it's mostly been clubs and bars, but also through friends, old friends, holidays, speed dating etc. I went online too to see what that was like, but to be honest, I found it a bit seedy, and felt uncomfortable with it, but I do acknowledge that I didn't give it enough of a go. Also, I think I'm more of a face to face person anyway (despite posting on a forum!!). I know what you mean about clubs and bars not being the optimum place, but as Seamus points out, with most friends being settled down by now, the options are limited. I have an active social life and am involved in clubs and stuff, but again, it's always the same settled down people.

One quick fire Q .....my friend thinks we should lie about our age, and pretend to be 28. To be honest, I'm a crap liar, so this wouldn't work for me....but do you think men sense this "desperation radar" from women once they hear that they are 30+? I now think we are thinking wayyyy too much about this (i.e. turning it into a self-fulfilling prophecy!)

John400

Just a wondering from me. Do you work full-time? Any single male colleagues that you get on with?

LighterGuy

desperate 30 wrote: »

...One quick fire Q .....my friend thinks we should lie about our age, and pretend to be 28. To be honest, I'm a crap liar, so this wouldn't work for me....but do you think men sense this "desperation radar" from women once they hear that they are 30+? I now think we are thinking wayyyy too much about this (i.e. turning it into a self-fulfilling prophecy!)

I think there is your answer to the problem you posted, op
I really do think you are putting thoughts into your head that arent founded. You seem to be worrying alot about being a 30's woman and single. Thinking, or should I say fearing that you have become this cliche "desperate 30s woman"

You sound like you are a thinker. A person who will analyse things (I am too) But the problem is that a person can analyse too much and begin to think something unfounded exsists.

TitoPuente

desperate 30 wrote: »

my friend thinks we should lie about our age, and pretend to be 28.

That's a good idea. So you meet a nice guy and you have to tell him down the road that you lied about your age. Red flag!

LegacyUser

"You sound like you are a thinker. A person who will analyse things (I am too) But the problem is that a person can analyse too much and begin to think something unfounded exsists."

I think that's exactly it (at least I hope so) - I am definitely an overanalyser....need to figure out how to switch off thinking!!

John 400, yeah I work full time, but there's no single men where I work.

TioPuente - the 28 thing was just there to illustrate the point that I think that when many men hear the number 30, they automatically thing desperate and needy.....although as I said above, that's me overanalysing!

Thanks for all the tips

I am a friend

desperate 30 wrote: »

bumped into him on a night out, stayed hanging around him, and kept telling him just to tell me that he wasn't that interested, and telling him I really didn't care that he didn't like me!).

Cringe...... Why do you think you did it?? I have so many male friends who tell me about grls who act like this and I just cringe, for them... If a guy did that to me I would think he had a serious screw loose. You need to figure yourself why you did it?

LegacyUser

Thanks, I am a friend, although I have to say your username is a bit deceptive.

I am a friend wrote: »

Cringe...... Why do you think you did it?? I have so many male friends who tell me about grls who act like this and I just cringe, for them... If a guy did that to me I would think he had a serious screw loose. You need to figure yourself why you did it?

I think if I knew the answer to this, I wouldn't have come on here in the first place??!

To be fair, I was drunk, and I wasn't asking him why he didn't like me, just to stop playing games and say that he didn't instead of saying that he did and acting like he didn't. At this stage, I'm just sick of game playing, but I think sometimes being straightforward and to the point can come across as being a bit psycho/ needy.

And glad not all males are as quick to judge as you/ your mates, or I'd surely be locked in an institution by now, with most of the 30+ female population!!

dan_d

Please don't worry too much OP (I'm a girl, btw)...I know a lot of singel guys in the 28-30 age group, and some of them emit a far greater sense of desperation than any woman I've ever met. It's deeply, deeply off putting, and I'm in a relationship.
It happens on both sides.

G-Money

I don't know if I agree with all this desperation theory that is being thrown about the place. I often think it's just an excuse that people use to dismiss someone they aren't interested in and to do so even in a rude way, because in their head "they're desperate" so it doesn't matter how you reject them.

I haven't met that many girls that are desperate. One night though I was out with a few lads and we got talking to this girl and to say she was desperate was an understatement. All she could talk about was sex and how she was out to get a man and this and that. It was massively off-putting. She was talking away to all the guys and whilst she was being friendly, her in your face sex talk with people she barely knew was a huge turn off.

I don't even know how you categorise someone on a night out as "desperate". What do they do or say that makes someone think they're desperate? As I say, I often think it's just a convenient excuse used by some people to treat others like s*** and to do so with a clear conscience.

I suppose for me, what would make a girl sound desperate would be if she constantly kept talking about guys, wanting to meet a guy. It becomes tiresome and boring very quickly.

sollar

I think women in their 30's need to be careful that they do not go too much in the opposite direction when a little paranoid about coming across as desperate.
Its a good idea to let someone know your interested but don't do all the chasing. So many many men are terrible at reading signals acting aloof and feigning disinterest is not going to help either.

Stu

30 is so young, i'm 33 and have never felt more in control of my life in terms of what i want out of life. Has being forward now been misinterpreted as being "desperate", how very sad if this is the case.

OP, age means nothing, its your maturity levels and outlook on life that matter and if you want a man then go out and get the man you want, there is nothing desperate about it. If a guy is put off by your upfront attitude then trust me, he is not even worth another minute of your time. He is probably intimidated by a women who knows what she wants.

Distorted

desperate 30 wrote: »

There's no way the me of my 20s would have acted the way I hear myself now acting, and I wonder why that is?! Logically I don't think I'm that obsessed with meeting that special someone, but like everyone else, I do have needs, urges and desires. Why do I act all needy and desperate now though when I didn't before?

You see, now that I'm in my mid thirties, I'm the opposite. When I was in my twenties I used to be really polite and respond to everyone and never turn down a first date. But now I just ignore texts when I don't think theres anything to be gained by responding, ignore men who behave badly (its not my job to fix them) and tell repeat offenders to get stuffed! I was far more naive in my twenties.

It might be because (a) I don't want kids and (b) I own my own home and have pretty much paid off my mortgage and (c) I have more hobbies and stuff to keep me occupied now than I did in my twenties, when I was studying and had less money. Admittedly I do have a boyfriend, but I am seriously considering ditching him because I'm not sure he's marriage material.

I think the above may actually be more common and may have something to do with why Irish men are so obsessed about women being below a certain age!

LegacyUser

desperate 30 wrote: »

but I have been out there actively looking

If you are actively looking for something that is usually down to chance and luck, then you're creating a whole pile of unhappy for yourself. I used to 'actively look' for suitable men until one day I realised that I was immediately assessing men on first meeting (how is he dressed?, how does he carry himself?, is he kind/patient, witty? etc). I had a mental checklist that I ticked every time I met a man. If he was attached, I stopped ticking. I literally had no interest in a man unless he was single.

I never got anything out of meeting perfectly nice men because I was always assessing them. I realise now I could have come away with some good friendships if I'd actually stopped to think about what I was doing.

I've met lovely people since I stopped ticking my checklist. I'm also far happier. I'm getting more and more from my daily interactions with others. I don't feel unhappy anymore if a man I'm working with, or met, is attached or doesn't ask me out. I've taken back control of that part of my life. It would be nice to meet someone, but not at the expense of my own happiness.

Women over thirty aren't desperate, there are far more options open to us now than ever before. A woman/man of any age can be desperate, however, if she/he wants something and can't get it (even though in the case of meeting someone, it is usually down to luck.)

metrovelvet

You are only desperate if you have unhealthy needs and dependencies driving your behavior. And that goes for any age.

Zen65

desperate 30 wrote: »

... I bumped into him on a night out, stayed hanging around him, and kept telling him just to tell me that he wasn't that interested, and telling him I really didn't care that he didn't like me!

Now here's the thing:

Being up-front and saying "look, we're adults, if you're not that interested in me then fine, call it and we'll both be clear on where we stand", then walking off is being mature, assertive and decisive. Not a trace of neediness there!

But hanging around, saying it more than once, being slightly drunk and unclear about it.... well that comes across as desperate, and it's nothing to do with your age!

At 30+ years of age you know what you want, and know how to ask for it (or demand it) and as long as you don't make every interaction be about your needs there is no reason why that should be seen as needy, weak or desperate. Most men find it a turn-on when a woman is that straight about it. Stick to that approach and don't fall into the trap of asking "what's wrong with me.... why don't you love me??" in any manner or means.

It's not age that makes a person seem desperate, it's insecurity. You've past the point where any display of insecurity is charming, so stick to your guns!

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

OP here again,

Thanks again for all the feedback

Zen65 wrote: »

N"look, we're adults, if you're not that interested in me then fine, call it and we'll both be clear on where we stand", then walking off is being mature, assertive and decisive. Not a trace of neediness there!Z

That's what it sounded like in my head. To be honest, I wasn't that pushed, I just wanted him to be upfront.

Zen65 wrote: »

But hanging around, saying it more than once, being slightly drunk and unclear about it.... well that comes across as desperate, and it's nothing to do with your age!Z

Whereas, I fear that is how it came out in reality, and it just made me freak out a bit!!

I'm over it now. I'm not going to change my upfront attitude and start playing games. I don't believe I'm desperate, and to be honest if a man wants to judge me as being that way just cos I'm upfront, then I suppose it's their loss!

In terms of "actively looking" and having a checklist, I totally agree with you unreg on the checklist front, biggest mistake you can make. I love to challenge myself and try not to judge people on a first impression....it's also more fun that way. But in terms of actively looking, I think you need to make an effort. I think sitting around and waiting for Mr. Right is to be honest, a bit of a time waster. OK I don't go out gagging for it and telling everyone I meet that I'm looking for a man, but I do go out, I do approach social situations, with myself mentally prepared for maybe meeting someone!

LegacyUser

grandmaster wrote: »

I often think it's just an excuse that people use to dismiss someone they aren't interested in and to do so even in a rude way, because in their head "they're desperate" so it doesn't matter how you reject them.

Meant to say also, I totally agree with you here grandmaster, and ya know we are all guilty of it in some way or other. If a guy you like goes out of his way to get your attention or get you on a date, you think it's sweet and romantic, whereas if it's a guy you don't fancy, you label them as creepy or desperate. It's awful really (especially when you are on the other end of it!!).

I'm kinda cringing now with this whole thread as I think I made myself out to be a lot more "desperate" than I really am!

LegacyUser

desperate 30 wrote: »

I think sitting around and waiting for Mr. Right is to be honest, a bit of a time waster.

You're not wasting your time if you're doing an activity you want to do. Doing things I actually liked to do (and not because there were going to be men present) helped me adjust my expectations of what I could get from life. Instead of thinking 'I haven't met anyone', I instead began to think 'Wow I'm having a great time'. Sometimes all it is is realising that you have everything going for you, and living in the moment. Of course it's important to make plans, but it's no harm to stop every once in a while and see what life can offer you personally.

You sound like a lovely lady, I'd put the recent incident with that guy in the 'learn from it, and learn more about myself' category, and move on.

Good luck, you have the whole world at your feet!

LegacyUser

Desperation is like a bad smell that people notice and then move away from you.
My first girlfriend although a lovely girl at 22 was desperate for us to settled down and get a house married and have a child. I wasnt even finished college yet. We split over it.

I myself despite being reasonable good looking (other peoples opinion not my own), was desperate due to depression. I would chase anything with a skirt and it became a joke. In the end I went through and unhealthy phase gained weight and became undateable.

After getting help and now I have a early stages relationship with a girl I could only dream about years ago.

Love is a butterfly if you chase it, it will elude you but stay still and it will rest gently on your shoulder.