emotionally retarded or just doesnt care...

LegacyUser

will try to keep this short!!
i became great friends with a guy two and a half years ago, one thing led to another and after being friends for a year we got together. it was not the intention of either of us having had long term relationships previous and both being wary etc.
well everything went great i fell for him, big time! think he fell for me too, not long after he told me he loved me, he started backing off.

this went on and on, caused loads of problems, he kept saying he was just wary/scared etc but that he cared about me a lot.

eventually i couldnt take the hot/cold behaviour anymore and stopped seeing him. my heart was broken, missed him so much. didnt see him for 3 months.

met up two months ago, started seeing him again, he just kind of slipped back into my life, he never said why he wanted to see me again. i thought it was all different, he brought me to a wedding, i met his parents, that was nearly 4 weeks ago. i really enjoyed it. but i havent seen him since, he text nearly every day. i started to get upset, which he hates.

long story short, i have pointed out that i expected to spend time with him since the wedding. he said he has done nothing wrong, he actually said, we are not a couple.
he doesnt understand why im upset.

why would he see me if he really isnt interested?? why bother texting? we are not children, we are in our thirties. i know he isnt great at talking about emotions and stuff but now im scared im one of those women who make excuses for sad pathetic men in their lives.

he is a really great guy, has a good heart and is fun. but he makes me feel like im unreasonable. i only want to know where i stand and enjoy my life, with or without him in it. he avoids direct questions constantly.
im not the sort to ignore people i just know if i say it to him again he will just make me feel like im asking crazy questions!!
please, how do i deal with this?? what can i do to make him see my point of view?

LittleBook

confusedthirtysometing wrote: »

why would he see me if he really isnt interested?? why bother texting?

Were you having sex at this point?

confusedthirtysometing wrote: »

he is a really great guy, has a good heart and is fun. but he makes me feel like im unreasonable. i only want to know where i stand and enjoy my life, with or without him in it. he avoids direct questions constantly. im not the sort to ignore people i just know if i say it to him again he will just make me feel like im asking crazy questions!!
please, how do i deal with this?? what can i do to make him see my point of view?

Tell him what you want and if he can't give it to you, walk away. You've done it before and you can do it again.

I'm sorry OP, he might be a "great guy" but he doesn't sound like he has any interest in a relationship, but it's worth asking and it's not unreasonable of you to do so.

Take control of the situation and do exactly as you say ... start enjoying your life with or without him in it.

silkworm53

Hi OP

It seems to me he wants you and he wants a relationship BUT only on his terms. A relationship is about giving up control and sharing your life with someone else - which is what he seems to not to grasp.
You have to tell him that he has to ship up or ship out.
If he tries to dodge the bullet, just walk away and don't look back.

LegacyUser

op here, no i dont think this is about sex, dont think im fooling myself on that one!
he just seems to want me around, with or more often than not, without sex. its not the main thing. honestly.

LittleBook

confusedthirysomething wrote: »

op here, no i dont think this is about sex, dont think im fooling myself on that one!
he just seems to want me around, with or more often than not, without sex. its not the main thing. honestly.

OK, well then skip that part and go with the second bit of my post

Distorted

Having been in a similar position myself, in that I was invited to family gathering type things, I figured out that I was being used to make it look like the man in question had a girlfriend when it suited him. He was similarly disinterested in a relationship and almost equally disinterested in sex. He could be a committment phobe. My guy turned out to be gay. Whatever the reason, if you get invited to a wedding following a history of dating, you think you are in a relationship. The other people at the wedding will have thought you were in a relationship too, and it obviously suited him at the time. It could be that if you saw him more often, you would see through any facade he puts up which is keeping you hooked (going on holiday with my guy made me realise what he was really like). The texting probably keeps you on hold for him when convenient without too much direct effort on his part. I agree with the above post that you take control of the situation - its hard to see it at the time, but you shouldn't put up with letting yourself be treated this way. Just walk away and don't contact him.

LegacyUser

ok, so two days ago i got a text, he said sorry he doesnt explain himself, he knows its frustrating.

thats it!!

now i guess its obvious he knows he is wrong, but just doesnt care isnt it?
surely if your sorry for something, you change it?

Beruthiel

he actually said, we are not a couple

That's all you need to know OP.
He doesn't know his arse from his elbow.
Cut all contact and have nothing more to do with him. He's a head melter and you don't need to be left wondering for weeks on end.

Overheal

well everything went great i fell for him, big time! think he fell for me too, not long after he told me he loved me, he started backing off.

and what did you say at the time

LegacyUser

told him i loved him. i did/do!