Feel inferior compared to the boyfriend's Ex thanks to his mum

gggb

Okay so a bit of background first: Basically been going out with my boyfriend for a good few months now. He’s really great, he’s lovely and gorgeous etc. – basically all you would want in a boyfriend. Of course there has to be some issues...

I’m 21 and he is my very first boyfriend so naturally because of this I felt a bit weird at the start of everything and then I learnt straight away he had been going out with his ex-gf for 5 years (he’s only 22). Although when it sunk in, I thought so what, there’s no point comparing our relationship to theirs and everyone else has ex’s. This attitude didn’t last long as I learnt very quickly that his Mum absolutely loved his ex like a daughter.

What’s more is that my boyfriend spent 3 out of those 5 years living abroad meaning that his girlfriend at the time was still going out with him even though she lived at home and him in foreign lands. I thought wow they must have really loved each other. The mum obviously thought they were going to marry (as they probably did too). His ex is studying medicine and comes from a ‘great family’ near where he lives and is stunning to boot. I on the other hand do not live in the same county as my bf’s Mum has passed comment on it; I’ve graduated a couple of months ago and ‘still’ haven’t got a job – which his Mum has a problem with. I knew straight away she didn’t like me but I thought it was just because she was ‘mourning’ (in her words) his ex and maybe it would take a while to get use to me.

Since then no matter how hard I have tried I feel rejected by her at this stage. I have tried my best to get to know her and I’m naturally a very nice and friendly girl. Though I think she has a problem with me for instance not going to Mass and she knows that I’m not sure if I want to marry (it just doesn’t appeal to me tbh). I feel like I’m some kind of poor substitute for his gf and am a big disappointment or something – all his friends and family love her and because they went out for soo long, childhood sweethearts she’s still present and talked about. I’ve heard so many other people say everyone still loves their first love or childhood sweetheart in some way and because I’ve never even had a boyfriend before this secures my inferiority. I’m sure she’s a lovely girl as my boyfriend is and I don’t have a problem with her but it’s just all this other stuff.

This reason why I’m posting is seeking advice on what to do and I’m really interested in how other people who have experienced the same thing have dealt with it – I mean his Mum. The thing is he is so close to her (too close if you ask me) so I’m afraid to have a full blown discussion with him because I’m sure he’d take her side. I have commented to him before about her but he just laughs it off. Since coming home from living abroad (over a year ago) he has lived at home so hence why she seems to be such a part of our relationship. Should I have a word with his Mum? Maybe she doesn’t realise that she’s being mean and I’m just over-sensitive? Some of my friends say to cut my losses and end it because the Mum is going to keep getting into our relationship. But he’s a great guy despite what his Mum does and my own insecure thoughts.

It’s just so terrible to feel not good enough or rejected, so I feel for anyone else who has been or is in the same position as me.

Thanks for reading and hope I get some advice.

LegacyUser

I'm currently in an almost identical situation to you op and i have now reached the point where I'm likely to cut my losses. My bf's mother still has photos of his ex up in the living room and kitchen, looking down on me any time I'm there which is a lot as my bf also lives at home.

It's just something I will never understand, a mother interfering like this. And if it's this bad mow, how will it be when there are children etc down the road, will she be telling me how much better of a mother the ex would've been? I imagine so. A too close relationship between mother and son is very off-putting, i've learned this now and I'll be far more careful in choosing a future partner.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, not nice that you are feeling this way, but I wouldn't end it with your boyfriend if I were you. As I'm sure someone else will say, you are going out with him, not his Mum! If he stood by and let nasty personal stuff be said to you, that's a different thing- but I know my Dad had said some really cringe-moment things in front of current boyfriend ... calling them the name of the ex ... asking them something which was related to an ex not them! He genuinely would not do that on purpose, he is in his own little world sometimes. Maybe there is a little of this going on? Plus, not to be ageist, but I know my parents can get 'stuck' on an idea and keep going on about it - be that previous jobs, previous boyfriends, friends who they knew very well when I lived at home but whom I no longer see.

I wouldn't even hint at saying anything to her though, I think you'll come off looking like the bad guy. I'd concentrate on continuing to be nice and friendly, and gradually displace the ex from her mind. Let her see that you make her son happy, what mother can resist that!

Just one last thing - I wouldn't be telling her everything; I don't go to church at all - but I would not bring up a bone of contention like that in front of boyfriend's conservative folks!

bronte

Talk to him about how you feel.
If he defends his mother over you...you will have an idea what the future will be like.

Overheal

It's A-Typical. Especially for Irish mammies in that situation to do that sort of thing. I don't know how hard it is for you to do but I would try to pay it no mind; you have to remember she's an ex for a reason. If however as Bronte says you see this becoming the narrative of your entire relationship, that would be worth evaluating.

ApeXaviour

Ffffggghhh wrote: »

I'm currently in an almost identical situation to you op and i have now reached the point where I'm likely to cut my losses. My bf's mother still has photos of his ex up in the living room and kitchen, looking down on me any time I'm there which is a lot as my bf also lives at home

If they're debs photos, grad photos, or group photos of big events etc where she happens to be there then I'd suggest you be a little less sensitive. Ex's exist in memories, sometimes good memories, she's a part of their past you can't erase or deny history and it's foolish to try. She helped form who they are today, and if you like them then you can be thankful of her.

Obviously if they're portraits of the ex on her own then yeah that's a little weird. There's a line to be drawn too between accepting / not denying history, and trying to relive it, or resenting you for not being her etc. One being healthy and one being far from it.

Beruthiel

gggb wrote: »

Should I have a word with his Mum?

Under no circumstances should you speak to his mother about this. It won't go down well.
You need to explain to your b/f how her comments are making you feel. It is up to him to tell her to cut it out.
Why are spending so much time in her company btw? Were I you, I'd spend as little time with her as possible.
My daughter is a year older than you, I rarely see her b/f. He's a very nice chap but I have no interest in spend large amounts of time in his company. I'm quite sure the feeling is mutual.

It’s just so terrible to feel not good enough or rejected

This has more to do with your confidence and self esteem than her being a thoughtless wagon.
His ex might be great, but obviously not so great or he would still be with her, no?
So, if he's with you now, obviously you're better.
Know your own self worth.
Know have fab you are and believe it.
If you truly believe that you are a damn good catch, his mothers comments would be water off a ducks back.

LegacyUser

ApeXaviour wrote: »

If they're debs photos, grad photos, or group photos of big events etc where she happens to be there then I'd suggest you be a little less sensitive. Ex's exist in memories, sometimes good memories, she's a part of their past you can't erase or deny history and it's foolish to try. She helped form who they are today, and if you like them then you can be thankful of her.

Obviously if they're portraits of the ex on her own then yeah that's a little weird. There's a line to be drawn too between accepting / not denying history, and trying to relive it, or resenting you for not being her etc. One being healthy and one being far from it.

None of the pictures are from special occasions or events. Two are portraits of just her on her own, close-ups of her face.

The biggest of the pictures is of my bf and his ex kissing and with their arms wrapped around each other looking very much in love, taken at his friends house a couple of years ago.

I think most women would find this disturbing, or uncomfortable to say the least. Who wants to sit down with their bf and his family and be facing a picture of him and his ex kissing.

He and I are very serious about each other and very much in love but unfortunately this has come to really upset me over time as the pictures have not gone away, and the mentions of the ex continue. The ex also visits the house while we're there quite often, completely blanking me (not pretending to see me) while being over-friendly with my bf and his mother.

OP, I really feel for you. Hope you reply back and let us know how your situation plays out.

As for someone saying not to mention not going to mass, etc, in my case I've been asked all of these serious life questions directly by the mother, "Do you go to mass?" to which I've said "Not much", then she tells me "Well [ex] went every week, sat in the front row"..
I don't think lying about stuff like that is healthy if the relationship IS to be long term, these things will always pop up again.

Wibbs

Beruthiel wrote: »

Under no circumstances should you speak to his mother about this. It won't go down well.

+1000. Even if she's the mother teresa of mothers, it will likely put her nose outa joint. If she's a wagon looking to score points quadruple that.

You need to explain to your b/f how her comments are making you feel. It is up to him to tell her to cut it out.

Much better plan, but it sounds like she's already tried this and in her words he laughed it off. Plus she's concerned about how close he is to her in the first place. Me? I'd not push it at this stage. Not a few months in. No matter how over the ex he is, 5 years together at that age is a huge chunka change, though as they were apart for 3 of those years, it's more like 2 and a bit. About right for an average trajectory of an adult relationship that fizzles out.

Why are spending so much time in her company btw? Were I you, I'd spend as little time with her as possible.
My daughter is a year older than you, I rarely see her b/f. He's a very nice chap but I have no interest in spend large amounts of time in his company. I'm quite sure the feeling is mutual.

Fine and I'd be with you on that score, but people do differ in this. I've seen that with long term exes. Some were very close to their families and I was brought into that(usually, but not always in a good way), some barely talked to their families and I rarely met them. Plus it's clear from a practical point of view why she has to deal with her more than maybe in your case. They live a distance apart and he's living at home at the moment. So if she's traveling to see him it'll be in her home, more often than not. She's more part of the landscape of their relationship than if he was living outside the family home. She kinda has to deal with her at the moment in her "territory". We're not talking neutral ground here.

This has more to do with your confidence and self esteem than her being a thoughtless wagon.
His ex might be great, but obviously not so great or he would still be with her, no?
So, if he's with you now, obviously you're better.
Know your own self worth.
Know have fab you are and believe it.

I agree 100% as far as the he's with you, not her part. But her confidence being knocked is understandable too given she's young and as this is her first "big" relationship, she's still feeling her way through it. No one is an expert straight outa the gate. Would that we were I know that in my first big relationship I was a helluva lot more sensitive to this kinda thing, because I really didn't know what was what and I was a cocky bastid and didn't have to deal with a legacy relationship like this.TBH OP I think you're being very mature and understanding about this considering the situation. Kudos.

If you truly believe that you are a damn good catch, his mothers comments would be water off a ducks back.

Like I say this is her first relationship and few know how good a catch they are in that situation so his ma's comments and attitude will throw her much more than if she was 28 with two or three relationships under her belt. So while I agree with you that it's about confidence, that'll come with time.

If I were you I'd take on board what Ber is saying about you being a good catch and if she was so good they'd still be together. It's 100% true. Even if at the moment you may not feel that sometimes. Continue being friendly with his mum. Ignore any digs she may throw. They may not be digs at all as at the moment you're naturally sensitive to the situations. So try and ignore any comments either way. If she does become obvious, mention it to your boyfriend, but don't get too deep into it trying to force his hand. Not at this stage. I would be looking to the future as far as when he reckons he's going to move out of the family home, as IMHO that's the biggest issue for ye down the line, if he is that close to his mother.