devestated with disgusting behaviour

LegacyUser

bit of background. myself and husband are 30, two childrena and am 7 months pregnangt with our 3rd baby which was unplanned. have been very sick and tired this pregnancy and it took me a long long time to come to terms with the fact we were going to have another baby. money is tight etc etc.
anyway i was finally becomming excited about the new arrivial, feeling more positive about life in general even letting myself get excited. whilst at the start of the pregnancy we had both been fighting alot and generally stressed. we had been doing plenty of family things, and had managed some time alone where we could have some dates and generally getting on really well. we had also been having plenty of sex.
yesterday my husband rang inot work sick (he does not get paid for any sick leave so we will be down money next week-this is an issue when every euro is accounted for) i got up and brought kids to school etc and didnt return till early afternoon when he was up and siiting on couch still coughing and unwell.
was tidying up around the bedroom when i looked at his personal handheld computer which he had been looking at porn that morning. he usually has a code on it so i cant access it.
i cannot discribe how devestated i am about this. the fact that he had done this in our bed also. i am pregnant with his baby and his is disrespecting me and betraying me. he had refused sex the night before saying he was too tired and then he basically is looking at ??another woman in our bed.
i found him doing this before, after our last baby. he said it was because i kicked him onto the spare room for seven months and went off sex. this is true and while i was really upset i had to take his point. however this time i can see no reason except he is disgusting and untrustwothy.
he says it is my fault for looking at his things, how can that be an excuse? and please dont reply saying most men look at porn as i dont care what most men do or dont do i simple care what my man does. i cannot think how i will be able to move on from this, simply devestated.

Zeouterlimits

So you disagree with him looking at any porn as your husband?
Because many here will tell you it's perfectly normal.
It's up to you and your husband to work out how ye see this together and how to work through your differences.

As for wanting sexual gratification, it's perfectly normal to feel too tired at night and to wake up rejuvenated and wanting.

Ickle Magoo

Okay OP, I think you need to calm down and take a step back - it's not good for you to get all stressed and upset.

While not a pleasant thought for many women, most men look at and masturbate over porn. It doesn't stop them fancying their partner, nor being good guys, nor loving their partners. It doesn't matter how good or how often the sex is, sometimes going DIY is what is preferable - it's not necessarily an indication of how that man feels about his partner and how good the sex with his partner is.

Presumably you checked his hand-held computer because you had your suspicions, so this is about more than just him doing this today; you must have had your doubts about him, his illness and his trustworthiness to begin with? Is there self-esteem or insecurity/trust issues also playing a part here?

I think you both need to sit down and honestly and openly put your cards on the table about how you both feel. Two kids, pregnant with a third and reliant on every penny he earns sounds stressful, for both of you, I don't think it's unusual to find an outlet and porn wouldn't be an unusual outlet. Given that you still saw fit to be upset at the guy looking at porn despite kicking him into the spare room for seven months :eek:, perhaps you both have to decide what is acceptable and where the boundaries in a healthy relationship lie before either of you get any more resentful.

All the best.

LegacyUser

Seriously? I don't mean this to sound offhand, but Christ - chill out, woman (and that's coming from a woman!)

It sounds like you're taking it as a personal affront, that he desires some porn star more than you. It doesn't have to be so personal - maybe he just woke up and fancied a ****. What's the harm in that? I like watching porn myself. Doesn't mean I love or fancy my bf any less.

LegacyUser

i got up and brought kids to school etc and didnt return till early afternoon

this time i can see no reason except he is disgusting and untrustwothy.

or a more rational reason: maybe he was just horny, and you weren't there?

I think you may be blowing this out of all proportion.

I think maybe you were resentful that he took a sick day when money was tight and have wrongly channeled this anger into the porn thing because you know he was genuinely sick and can't vent that anger so you're using this instead.

I think the pregnancy hormones may be at play here.

Calm down and try to look at this rationally.

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

Zen65

devestated and disgusted wrote: »

...and please dont reply saying most men look at porn as i dont care what most men do or dont do i simple care what my man does. i cannot think how i will be able to move on from this, simply devestated.

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy. I know it seems unlikely right now, but the arrival of another child (planned or unplanned) will be a source of happiness for you long after you have forgotten the hurt you feel in relation to this incident with your husband.

Secondly, remember that emotions are exaggerated during pregnancy, and it's usually a good idea not to allow yourself dwell on anything unhappy during this time as the emotions make it harder to think rationally. I'm sure there is a good anthropological reason for this, but I can't pretend to understand it. No doubt it helps our species in some way

Thirdly, you may not want to know that most men look at pornography (though I am assured they do) - but you should know why most men do this. Certainly teenagers will use pornography to help with self-arousal, but for older men (and women, though in fewer numbers) it is very often as much a matter of curiosity.... much the same way as people watch those awful medical documentaries on TV3. If somebody invited you into an operating theatre to view the operation live you'd possibly hurl at the thought, but the curiosity of seeing the whole story on TV in a short 1-hour show is very much more appealing. I'm guessing, based on the rest of your story that your husband was probably feeling sorry for himself for being unwell (so unwell that he refused sex with you the night before) and attempted to either cheer himself up by looking at pornography (it takes no effort, even a sick man can do it) or was bored and wanted to look at something interesting on the internet. Curiosity will make (bored) straight men look at gay porn sites, so don't underestimate the attraction of these sites on the internet, and don't read too much into the rationale behind it.

I think your annoyance is probably linked to your concern about his taking the day off without pay, while you're feeling stressed about the impending future costs facing you both?

As for this......

i found him doing this before, after our last baby. he said it was because i kicked him onto the spare room for seven months and went off sex. this is true and while i was really upset i had to take his point. however this time i can see no reason except he is disgusting and untrustwothy.

Perhaps once he was "driven" to use porn previously it simply became a habit which is hard to break? Some slack is probably due, in fairness.

But this.....

he says it is my fault for looking at his things, how can that be an excuse?

..is rather a lame excuse by him. If he was any kind of devious cheat he would know how to use the internet "privacy" settings to avoid leaving any traces behind. Perhaps he is not so devious after all?

I understand that it's easy for others to be glib about this, and to make light of the matter, but for you it's very distressing. Your distress is perfectly understandable, though I would advocate that it is misplaced. If this is the worst thing to happen in your marriage I think most of the posters here in PI will envy you.

Lastly, I'm guessing that some posters will come on here and tell you this is the sign of a cheating male, but such allegations are absurd. I've heard it reported (reliably, by a Microsoft or Google or some other ISP) that about 70% of the internet is pornography-related, and logically this must mean that a very large number of people view these sites, either once-off or on an ongoing basis. This breaks any statistical relationship between physically cheating on a partner and viewing pornography on the interweb.

Breathe: focus on the good things in your life right now. Put away the negative and hurtful thoughts, you don't have room for them. Send that husband into a cold shower to get him to wake up and smell the coffee, and move on. This is not a tragedy, it's a speedbump, you'll both get over it.


Be at peace,


Z

LegacyUser

thanks for your replies. to clarify. if i could just get over this and accept it i wouldn't be on the internet looking for advice.
whilst i agree alot of men look at porn i dont agree with the idea of it. if a man or woman think it is normal and if their partners do too well happy days for them. i have no problem with that. i'm not trying to force my opinion on anyone else. however i dont want my partner doing it as i think it is disgusting. i will not chance my opinion on this. similarly there are probably things in my own relationship that we consider the norm but that dosn't mean anyone else might.
possible the pregnancy hormones are at play here too but they would not account for the level of devestation i feel. i wouldn't even sleep in the bed last night. i cant look at him. the thought of him getting his jollies from another woman makes me feel phsyically sick. also i feel completly betrayed as he knows how i feel about this issue.
i have no problem with him having a **** as one of you pointed out but why cant he would he need to look at someone else.
this has completly blown my self confidence. i would naturally be a suspicious person but looks like my suspisions were right, he cant be trusted to be true to me.
finally i agree wholeheartedly that we are in a stressful situation at the moment but where the hell is my outlet? i cant drink/smoke or anything like that to let off some steam. we should be sticking together not going behind each others back.

LegacyUser

op again wrote: »

. the thought of him getting his jollies from another woman makes me feel phsyically sick. also i feel completly betrayed as he knows how i feel about this issue.
i have no problem with him having a **** as one of you pointed out but why cant he would he need to look at someone else.
this has completly blown my self confidence. i would naturally be a suspicious person but looks like my suspisions were right, he cant be trusted to be true to me.

So you don't mind him **** but you don't want him to look at an image of a woman?

So when he **** without porn, do you believe that the only image that's ever in his head is of you?
Nobody has the ability or right to control another's sexuality to that extent.

What is it that bothers you about the porn images? Is it maybe because you're worried that he'll fancy 'real life' other women? If you watch a hot male actor in a movie is it ok for you to find them attractive and still want your husband? Most people have no problem differentiating fantasy from reality... and appreciating both.
Are you afraid that he's comparing your body to the porn girls?

I think you need to look within for answers on this one. Take a bit of time over this, and really ask yourself where the 'disgust' is coming from, and what it may really mean.

LegacyUser

i'm not trying to force my opinion on anyone else.

i dont want my partner doing it as i think it is disgusting.

But OP you ARE trying to force your opinion on someone else...your husband.
He obviously doesn't have a problem with porn
You have absolutely have every right to find it disgusting, but you have to realise that just because you find it disgusting, it doesn't mean he has to too.

I find smoking disgusting, but my ex used to smoke, i'd never expect him to stop, i never judged him because he smoked, that was his own personal preference. As long as he didn't smoke around me, it was his choice. You have to compromise

we should be sticking together not going behind each others back.

You say this but what else is he supposed to do? You find it disgusting, therefore hes not going to watch it with you. He's doing the decent thing, he's not flaunting it around in front of you.

would naturally be a suspicious person but looks like my suspisions were right, he cant be trusted to be true to me.

that is absolute nonsense, looking at porn does not make someone unfaithful. Its akin to you watching a film with a sex scene with brad pitt in it and thinking "what i wouldn't do to him" would that make you unfaithful?

Sardonicat

With you 100% op. The acceptance of this "normal" male behaviour by just about everyone, including women astonishes me. It's demeaning to women and disrespectful to you. and no, you are not over-reacting, but all those telling you to calm down, your pregnancy hormones are at you are patronising in the extreme.

Guys, your balls won't explode if you don't look at pictures of naked women. Just because most of you do it, doesn't make it ok. You don't die from lack of sex and it's not too much to expect that a woman with a baby might not feel like sex. He doesn't have to look at porn to satisfy himself

He could't have been too sick if he had the energy to "see to himself".

LegacyUser

The acceptance of this "normal" male behaviour by just about everyone, including women astonishes me.

But thats the thing its not just male behaviour!

Women watch porn too!

normal is relative. People have different opinions, just because one person finds something demeaning or abnormal, it doesn't make that opinion fact. You have absolutely every right to hold that opinion, but no right to inflict it upon others, you can express your concern, but you have no right to say anothers opinion is any less valid than yours.

I like watching porn and i'm a woman, i understand why a lot of women don't like porn but i would never describe another woman/man as "abnormal" or "disgusting" because they don't watch porn.

its all about compromise.

Just because most of you do it, doesn't make it ok.

In YOUR opinion

It's demeaning to women

In YOUR opinion

He could't have been too sick if he had the energy to "see to himself"

pfttt... i was dying with flu a few days ago, i was in bed all day, couldn't sleep, so i masturbated, made me nice and sleepy

it's not too much to expect that a woman with a baby might not feel like sex.

ehhh....presumably this is why he was having a **** in the first place!

28064212

op again wrote: »

thanks for your replies. to clarify. if i could just get over this and accept it i wouldn't be on the internet looking for advice.
whilst i agree alot of men look at porn i dont agree with the idea of it. if a man or woman think it is normal and if their partners do too well happy days for them. i have no problem with that. i'm not trying to force my opinion on anyone else. however i dont want my partner doing it as i think it is disgusting. i will not chance my opinion on this. similarly there are probably things in my own relationship that we consider the norm but that dosn't mean anyone else might.

As "alpha girl" said, you are forcing your opinion on him. You are demanding that he stop doing something which he gains enjoyment from, and which he considers to be a non-issue. To put it in context, what if he demanded you stop doing something you enjoyed? Whether it's going for "girl's nights out", watching TV, smoking etc, what would your response be if he insisted that you stop doing that?

op again wrote: »

the thought of him getting his jollies from another woman makes me feel phsyically sick.

Have you ever masturbated while thinking about anyone other than him? Thought about someone else while having sex? What about other relationship needs? Have you ever gone to someone else for emotional needs? Lots of people would consider those things worse 'betrayals' than using porn

op again wrote: »

also i feel completly betrayed as he knows how i feel about this issue.

Did he know how you felt before he was already past the point of committing to you?

I have my own deal-breakers. I won't date someone who smokes. I find it a disgusting habit, couldn't be with someone who did smoke. You know what I do? I make sure I don't date anyone who smokes. I make sure that anyone I might get seriously involved with knows smoking is a deal-breaker, and I make sure they know before we make committments to each other. At what point did you tell him you couldn't be with someone who watched porn?

op again wrote: »

i have no problem with him having a **** as one of you pointed out but why cant he would he need to look at someone else.

Why not? Why can't he look at some visual stimulation? Is using a vibrator cheating too?

Sardonicat wrote: »

With you 100% op. The acceptance of this "normal" male behaviour by just about everyone, including women astonishes me. It's demeaning to women and disrespectful to you. and no, you are not over-reacting, but all those telling you to calm down, your pregnancy hormones are at you are patronising in the extreme.

And yet, many, many women don't feel either demeaned or disrespected by porn, and many of them enjoy it themselves.

Sardonicat wrote: »

Guys, your balls won't explode if you don't look at pictures of naked women. Just because most of you do it, doesn't make it ok. You don't die from lack of sex and it's not too much to expect that a woman with a baby might not feel like sex. He doesn't have to look at porn to satisfy himself

Actually, it is believed to be a health-risk for men not to ejaculate regularly, men who don't are at a significantly increased risk for prostate cancer. Men who have more orgasms are at a significantly lowered risk of heart attack or strokes.

You don't die from not going to pub for a drink with friends either, should he never do that either since it might be seen as "disrespectful"?

Sardonicat wrote: »

He could't have been too sick if he had the energy to "see to himself".

An orgasm is an excellent way to feel better. Physically, it lowers blood pressure and clears the nasal airways, and mentally, causes the release of chemicals which leave you relaxed and contented

Ickle Magoo

Sardonicat wrote: »

With you 100% op. The acceptance of this "normal" male behaviour by just about everyone, including women astonishes me. It's demeaning to women and disrespectful to you. and no, you are not over-reacting, but all those telling you to calm down, your pregnancy hormones are at you are patronising in the extreme.

Guys, your balls won't explode if you don't look at pictures of naked women. Just because most of you do it, doesn't make it ok. You don't die from lack of sex and it's not too much to expect that a woman with a baby might not feel like sex. He doesn't have to look at porn to satisfy himself

He could't have been too sick if he had the energy to "see to himself".

Both sexes can and do enjoy porn - there are whole sites dedicated to women puting themselves up in home video.

Regardless, unless you are suggesting the OP has the right to dictate what her husband views, what he finds sexually exciting and when and how he fondles his own genitals, then some form of acceptance is going to be required.

Zen65

op again wrote: »

to clarify. if i could just get over this and accept it i wouldn't be on the internet looking for advice.

I think that's understood. The advice people have posted here is intended to help you come to terms with why you feel so bad about this, and to help you get over it.

i'm not trying to force my opinion on anyone else. however i dont want my partner doing it as i think it is disgusting. i will not chance [change?] my opinion on this.

FYP

As somebody has already pointed out, you are trying to force your opinion on this onto your husband. It's very reasonable that you should ask him not to do it in your presence, but not reasonable for you then to also check his computer to see if he has been looking at images of other women. You are effectively trying to force him to be ultra-secretive about his activity. As I said earlier, if he was secretive enough he'd know how to use the privacy settings to prevent you seeing this in his browser history. It seems to me that he is simply trying to get through his emotional issues without causing you any additional stress.

Why does he look at other women when he masturbates? Mostly (I guess) because he is unable to remain aroused without some form of visual stimulation. Some men can simply imagine an erotic image to help them do this, others cannot. Why does he not simply think of you to do this? Because when he thinks of you his feelings of lust are mixed with love and protectiveness, which is all well and good for having sex with you, but a poor combination of emotions for the DIY version.

It is not an indication that he does not find you attractive. I'm going out on a limb here to suggest that the reason for your unplanned pregnancy is because he does find you attractive. I hope you don't find that comment offensive, I mean it with the very greatest of respect.

I suggest you need to discuss this with him, because your posts suggest that your concern for his attraction to you is at the heart of your disdain for his actions?

As for this....

Sardonicat wrote: »

You don't die from lack of sex and it's not too much to expect that a woman with a baby might not feel like sex.

...of course it's fair to say that OP's husband was never in danger of dying, but he may well be frustrated from the mismatch between his sex drive and his wife's sex drive. It is completely understandable that OP may have reduced sex drive at this stage in her pregnancy. If he were to pester her for sex he would be acting unreasonably. If he were to go elsewhere for sex he would be a loathsome cheat. That he chose to opt for the "DIY treatment" would, on the face of it, seem like the most considerate option, even by OP's own view. That he needed assistance from pornographic images is simply an indication of his limited imagination skills, which is not (in my humble view) a trust-breaking issue.

(Pointing out that a person does not die from lack of sex is far more patronising, Sardonicat, than stating that emotions are heightened during pregnancy.)

OP, nobody can reverse what has happened. Nobody can bring in the "thought police" to set limits on what your partner thinks of when masturbating. The only way forward is to discuss this with your husband and be reassured that he is not being disrespectful of you by using these images to help himself be aroused.

I wish you the best of luck with your pregnancy.

Be at peace,


Z

LegacyUser

Hey OP,
Sorry to here about your troubles and that you are going through a tough time. I'm one of those people who you might consider disgusting, I'm married and look at porn (I'm male.) This was an issue for my wife.

When we first got together, it nearly broke us up as it was a big deal for her, and I did not see anything wrong with it, so I refused to give it up.

Overtime things have mellow'd out a bit. I still look at porn but keep it discreet. But it's not really hidden or anything and if she wanted to she COULD find it on my computer. She knows I look at it but it's not something we really talk about, it's one of those not looking to see what you don't want to things.

Our sex life is fine in the sense that she has never complained of anything lacking or that I treat her differently in anyway.

We are both comfortable and secure in our relationship and trust each other. I've no intentions of cheating.

I find porn to be a relaxed and safe way to indulge my fantasies that I would probably never do IRL (Like lesbian threesomes, yes I know, it's a cliche.)

I'm not sure what you're looking for by posting here. Most people here seem to think porn is normal and acceptable and that seems to be the attitude towards it in Ireland amongst "our" generation. There will be a few who will agree with you.

What you will not get is an overwhelming flow of support to validate your opinion.

If you want genuine advice or help then the suggestion to examine WHY you find porn so objectionable is a valid one as it might highlight a deeper problem in your relationship or perception of each other that needs addressing.

Your husband is probably not going to give up looking at porn, and trying to make him will only lead to more frustration and heartache in the future. You can break up but good luck finding another person these days who cares for you and who doesn't look at porn.

LegacyUser

Key here: you accessed his personal handheld computor. HIS personal handheld computor, not the family one. Everyone deserves privacy, even people in a relationship.
Maybe he didn't want to be an ass by pressurising you that morning. What would you prefer, that he went out& found a more "average" girl, in real life versus a fantasy?
Count your blessings girl, seriously.

LegacyUser

op again, thanks for your replies. its helping me through this. i cant even speak to my husband as when i tried yesterday i just got hysterical. i am so sad and upset, cant even mind the children proparly. i feel terrible for the baby who must be feeling my stress.

i'm not sure how to quote but i want to clarify some of the points that some of the posters made.
again, i have no problem with what other people find acceptable but it is a matter of respect. if a man or woman or a couple want to watch porn-thats fine. it dosn't affect me personally so knock yourselves out.
my husband knows i think its disgusting and degrading so he must not respect me or love me if he did it anyway.

i am not trying to control his sexuality-its a respect issue. its not a curiosity thing as there are loads of things il never experience (a one night stand, what its like to sleep with someone else, have a lesbian experience etc etc) but that dosn't mean i will lose out. i will never experience those things because i made a choice to be with my husband and i dont want to hurt him and i love him so i wouldnt want to do that anyway. also there is one thing that i wanted to try with him and i have raised the issue with him a few times but he was not into it so because i love him and respect him i understand its not going to happen.

one of you said what is my issue with the porn-my issue is that he effectively rejected me and my body and how can i compete with what you say is a fantasy? this was not an issue before i had my second baby-therefore he must not find me as attractive. after thinking about this last night i noted also that we never 'make love' anymore its more rougher sex and he would often call me a slut etc while we were having sex, which didnt bother me but now i think its because he is thinking of porn and not me. i have always thought porn was disgusting. i remember clearly as a child (maybe 8??) finding a playboy magazine of my fathers and thinking it was vile. i told my mam, who obviously knew, as i was so upset. she got me to tell my dad why i was so upset and he went crazy cause i went through his stuff. how ironic now that i am in this situation.

regards me looking at his personal computer, surely if someone is doing something hurtful its not ok if its a secret? for example. is it ok for a partner to have a one night stand if there is no way for their spouse to find out? which leads me to also think if he cant have any self control and wants to look at other women and think its normal and does not reflect badly on me etc etc then where does that end? is it also ok for hem to perve over women in the street? flirt 'harmlessly' on a night out, go to lap dancing clubs, have internet sex etc etc etc.

there are lots of things that have become more the 'norm' now. for example alot of people i know take recreational drugs on a night out-smoking hash or doing a few lines of coke. that is something that does not personally effect me but it is not something i would do myself nor is it something i would accept from a partner-why is porn different?

the last time this happend i was also really upset but had to take the point i had kicked him into the spare room, was not being there for him and was not having regular sex with him. however we were-i thought-really happy at the moment and doing lots of things together as a family and also just as a couple. we were having loads of sex, as the pregnancy hormones were making me want it even more then him.

in essence, he took a sick day which effects the whole family as we will be tight on money next week. fair enough if he was really sick. he then obviously wasnt sick and disrespects his wife in their maritial bed by looking at another woman and imaging sex with her. i cannot see how i can move on from this betrayal.

Faith

You're missing the point OP. You keep claiming you're not forcing your beliefs onto your husband, but you are. He looked at porn, on his own, when you weren't there, on the privacy of his personal computer. He knows you think it's disgusting but he clearly doesn't. He obviously does respect and love you because he did it in private, away from you. You were never meant to know about it, except you went snooping. Snooping implies you're looking for something to hang him with.

There are plenty of men who would be much less discreet about watching porn - they do it in front of their partners, on the household computer, or leave their magazines lying around. Your husband had the decency to do it in private, and yet you still went snooping to get evidence of it. How often do you go through his things?

You also accuse him of not actually being sick. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't need a whole day to get my jollies from a bit of porn. He clearly was sick, and was home and alone and feeling miserable and decided a bit of porn would cheer him up.

And finally, I can't speak for everyone, but I like the voyeuristic aspect of porn. I don't imagine having sex with any of the people I see on screen, generally. I just enjoy watching others have sex. Your husband could be the same. He might not be fantasising about other women at all. I'm willing to bet that at least once in your relationship that you're fantasised about having sex with a celebrity - Brad Pitt, Michael Bublé, whoever. That's the exact same thing as your husband thinking about a woman in porn.

Many women don't like the idea of their partners watching porn but you seem to have taken it to an irrational level - kicking him into the spare room, refusing sex for a long period afterwards. Would you think about speaking to a counsellor to work through these issues? It might help you to deal with them better.

28064212

devestated op wrote: »

one of you said what is my issue with the porn-my issue is that he effectively rejected me and my body and how can i compete with what you say is a fantasy? this was not an issue before i had my second baby-therefore he must not find me as attractive.

No, your issue is that you think he has rejected you. You specifically say that you had an active sex-life this time. How is that rejecting you? He doesn't find you attractive, but has lots of sex with you?

devestated op wrote: »

after thinking about this last night i noted also that we never 'make love' anymore its more rougher sex and he would often call me a slut etc while we were having sex, which didnt bother me but now i think its because he is thinking of porn and not me.

Lots of people have 'rougher' sex, which is nothing to do with porn. It either is an issue in the bedroom, or it's not, it can't become an issue just because of the porn. If it's an issue, then you need to discuss his bedroom behaviour with him. If he gets into a fight with someone on a night out, are you going to ask him to stop watching violent movies? No, you're going to tell him not to act agressively on nights out

devestated op wrote: »

i have always thought porn was disgusting. i remember clearly as a child (maybe 8??) finding a playboy magazine of my fathers and thinking it was vile. i told my mam, who obviously knew, as i was so upset. she got me to tell my dad why i was so upset and he went crazy cause i went through his stuff. how ironic now that i am in this situation.

Well your father was right, it was none of your business. It's clearly coloured your views on pornography though.

devestated op wrote: »

the last time this happend i was also really upset but had to take the point i had kicked him into the spare room, was not being there for him and was not having regular sex with him. however we were-i thought-really happy at the moment and doing lots of things together as a family and also just as a couple. we were having loads of sex, as the pregnancy hormones were making me want it even more then him.

So you were actually having a great time while he was using porn, you just didn't know about it? Then what's the issue? I could understand your view if he was using porn instead of having sex with you, or was neglecting some other part of your lives to watch porn, but that doesn't seem to be the case at all.

devestated op wrote: »

in essence, he took a sick day which effects the whole family as we will be tight on money next week. fair enough if he was really sick. he then obviously wasnt sick and disrespects his wife in their maritial bed by looking at another woman and imaging sex with her. i cannot see how i can move on from this betrayal.

He obviously wasn't sick? Why? Because he was capable of masturbating? That's BS. As I already stated, an orgasm can be a great way to feel better. If he was staying home solely so he could watch porn, then you might have a point, but from the way you're describing it, it certainly doesn't sound like that.

Couple of questions you should be able to answer:

• Have you ever fantasised about anyone else, either on your own or while having sex with him?
• Have you ever used a vibrator?
• Are you ready to have sex with him, purely for his gratification, at any time and any place?
• How would you respond if he demanded you give up something from your personal life? "Girl's nights out", watching TV, smoking etc, what would your response be if he insisted that you stop doing that?
• At what stage in your relationship did you announce that porn was a deal-breaker for you?

ApeXaviour

devestated op wrote: »

my husband knows i think its disgusting and degrading so he must not respect me or love me if he did it anyway.

That is a shockingly manipulative behaviour and irrational emotional blackmail blackmail to boot.

Say you hated oranges, but he loved them... you thought the idea of eating those squelchy citrus fruits disgusting. Okay so out of respect he'd not eat them around you. But would you forbid your husband from eating them when not in your presence??? Because I really can't see a difference from that to what you're doing now.

i am not trying to control his sexuality-its a respect issue.

It's 100% not a respect issue, it's a control issue. For irrational reasons you're unwilling to accept anything but his attraction to you and you only. This is unrealistic. As humans we don't suddenly stop being attracted to others or having fantasies (or desiring a ****), a relationship is a choice and he has chosen to be with you, love you and support you and the family you have built together. What more can you possibly ask for?

You are also choosing to put him in the doghouse and make his life a living hell at the moment. Is THAT loving? Is THAT respectful?????

what is my issue with the porn-my issue is that he effectively rejected me and my body

This is a logical fallacy, a non-sequitur. He did no such thing...

and how can i compete with what you say is a fantasy?

The beauty of a fantasy is that you don't have to. A fantasy is just that, fantasy. A woman might have one about being "taken" in a shed by three burly rugby players... of course she doesn't take into account other factors such as the abject terror she might experience were that to actually occur. Similarly if a large bosomed green elf-alien were to actually appear and want to take a man on a space-sex adventure, I'm sure horniness wouldn't be the first thing on his mind...

regards me looking at his personal computer, surely if someone is doing something hurtful its not ok if its a secret?

If you use that as an excuse to trawl through his stuff then you're voiding even any lip-service to his privacy. Also he's not doing anything deliberately hurtful, you're being irrational.

for example. is it ok for a partner to have a one night stand if there is no way for their spouse to find out? which leads me to also think if he cant have any self control and wants to look at other women and think its normal and does not reflect badly on me etc etc then where does that end? is it also ok for hem to perve over women in the street? flirt 'harmlessly' on a night out, go to lap dancing clubs, have internet sex etc etc etc.

You draw the line when it comes to things that physically affect you (STDs?), jeopardise the security of your relationship (misguided and unfair insecurities do not count), or affect an agreement you have mutually come to (not one you've bullied him into): monogamy for instance.

there are lots of things that have become more the 'norm' now. for example alot of people i know take recreational drugs on a night out-smoking hash or doing a few lines of coke. that is something that does not personally effect me but it is not something i would do myself nor is it something i would accept from a partner-why is porn different?

One is illegal, it has been deemed by society (rightly or wrongly) as crossing a line. **** to porn or eating oranges hasn't.

in essence, he took a sick day which effects the whole family as we will be tight on money next week. fair enough if he was really sick. he then obviously wasnt sick and disrespects his wife in their maritial bed by looking at another woman and imaging sex with her. i cannot see how i can move on from this betrayal.

I'll summarise: not a betrayal, no disrespect intended, people can **** when sick, porn is merely a masturbation aid. If you can't understand it, figure out some way to get over this utter ridiculousness that's wreaking havoc on your marriage and learn to understand it... It's not acceptable for you to put such an overbearing and nonsensical leash on your husband's sexuality, you're only going to make him better at hiding eating oranges.

fungun

i have always thought porn was disgusting. i remember clearly as a child (maybe 8??) finding a playboy magazine of my fathers and thinking it was vile. i told my mam, who obviously knew, as i was so upset. she got me to tell my dad why i was so upset and he went crazy cause i went through his stuff. how ironic now that i am in this situation.

I cant say that I think this is ironic. Much more likely that it is linked.

Everyone has the right to have expectations in a reln and if you expected him to not act like this I an understand your feelings of anger and betrayal.

On the whole, your husband clearly loves you and is trying to make you happy. But he likes to look at porn which you find really really difficult and have an strong emotional reaction against. Understood. But you want him to do what you want because he should love you? Well I agree but I also think the reverse is also true. You love him so could you try to get at the root of your feelings on this matter and do some counselling?

I think, and I hope, you can recognise that your feelings on this matter are uncommonly strong and potentially linked to that childhood experience. Your mothers reaction to what happened there was, to my mind, outrageous. And at that age what were you doing going through your Dads stuff?
If you were my partner I would say that you owe it to me as your partner to really understand why you feel so strongly about this when it impacts you as a couple.

Mighty_Mouse

In fairness I'm sure your post will strike a cord with a million other Irish girls.
Cultural catholicism for generations has led to ingrained beliefs that anything other that hetro-sexual missionary sex with the lights off is weird, sick or degrading. It's madness. This repressed sexuality in Irish people is unhealthy.
Generations of Irish girls raised in convent schools & married before 30 have warped sexual belief systems. The fact that what happens in the bedroom is often influenced by whats "normal" as opposed to whats natural is jaw-droppingly weird.

You sound like hard work.
He was sick (which you have an issue with as money is tight). Woke up & knocked one off to his personal private handheld.

You invaded his privacy & treat him like a dog for something that is completely natural.
He's a man ffs? Decended from monkeys? A couple of evolutionary steps from sniffing other ladies arses in tescoes.

It's not his belief system that's corrupted by porn. His brain is wired to actively seek sex, spread his seed...........yada yada.............

Make him a hot-whiskey & chill out ffs.

LegacyUser

op here.

thanks again for replies. i'm really sad to think that the only advice for me is to

1) accept the behavious as if i dont it will be a case of he will do it anyway but secretly or he will do something worse. as stated i CANNOT accept this rejection and betrayal, if i could i would accept it and get over it. i wished this wasn't a big deal to me but i CANNOT control this.

2) or to break up my marriage and my family over something as trivial as 'eating oranges' which obviously i dont want to do. i love him.

how can i accept something i dont think is right? the argument we had the last time was so so massive and soul distroying and it made my feelings clear about what is not accpetable to me from my husband-it is basic respect. i am not glad as some of you said he kept it secret, or that he didn't go out and find any other girl. i am sad he needs to do this and devestated about what this says about our relationship.

obviously the majority of you think i am a crazy pregnant woman who is ridiculously prude and controlling. i dont think i am like that, and i thought my husband understood me and loved me and would hate to make me feel like this. i thought we were happy and didnt need to keep secrets. basically i was wrong about everything and now i'm stuck here, pregnant and deeply deeply hurting with no idea how to proceed from here.

LegacyUser

thanks for your useful comments mighty mouse, they didn't help at all. i hope you are happy with someone who is not hard work like me and who minds you better when you are sick.

LegacyUser

I completely agree with you. How dare he do that ever, particularly when you are pregnant! I could feel your pain as I read your posts.
I agree with you, its a respect issue. If this happened to me it would take me a long time to get over it too. But the hurt will subside eventually. Warn him that if it ever happens again, your gone. If he ever does it again, you'll know he doesnt care.
Hope you are ok.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

First off I should state that I really enjoy porn and I'm female....but only certain types of porn. A lot of mainstream porn is VERY degrading to women and I find it disgusting. It really does objectify women. I like porn made by couples where they are exploring shared fantasies together and there is clearly mutual respect held for each other.

So, depending on the type of porn your husband is looking at, I completely understand where you are coming from.

I think what's worrying is that you notice a change in his sexual behaviour when you are together. The fact that he calls you slut etc and it's not something that you've discussed or agreed to would be upsetting to me. That, to me, clearly indicates that he is looking at the type of porn that really disrespects women and treats them like pieces of meat and not sexual beings in their own right.

The fact that he is carrying that over when you have sex is very problematic I think and should be the crux of the issue. What effects is porn having on him with regard to his sexual expectations and needs?

Like I said, I like some types of porn, a lot. But I understand that some people (men and women alike) have no tolerance for porn whatsoever and I respect that. That's an issue of compatability in some ways.

THe first thing you need to do is calm down. You need to talk calmy with your husband about the types of porn he is watching, what is it specifically that is getting him off etc and then express, calmly how you feel it is altering his behaviour in the bedroom.

I think a marriage councillor might be really beneficial to you both here - and not some Catholic councillor but one that will be objective on the issue.

Finally, you can't equate porn with looking at women in the street or being flirty in bars. THese are seperate things, and the latter two things we all do (men and women) to a certain degree. Depending on the extent of it, it has no reflection on how much your partner respects you.

28064212

op now wrote: »

op here.

thanks again for replies. i'm really sad to think that the only advice for me is to

1) accept the behavious as if i dont it will be a case of he will do it anyway but secretly or he will do something worse. as stated i CANNOT accept this rejection and betrayal, if i could i would accept it and get over it. i wished this wasn't a big deal to me but i CANNOT control this.

2) or to break up my marriage and my family over something as trivial as 'eating oranges' which obviously i dont want to do. i love him.

how can i accept something i dont think is right? the argument we had the last time was so so massive and soul distroying and it made my feelings clear about what is not accpetable to me from my husband-it is basic respect. i am not glad as some of you said he kept it secret, or that he didn't go out and find any other girl. i am sad he needs to do this and devestated about what this says about our relationship.

What do you want OP? Your husband is not doing something that is wrong. Enjoying porn is something that is part of who he is, and there is nothing inherently wrong about enjoying porn

Let me get your opinion on this hypothetical situation:

One of your girlfriend's comes to you for help. She tells you that, a couple of months ago, she demanded her husband give up drinking (the husband isn't an alcoholic, he doesn't get falling-down drunk or abuse her, he just enjoys a social drink on occasion). She found out that he went out the previous night and had a pint or two. She found it disgusting and disgraceful that he would do that, and she was going to break up with this otherwise-good husband. Who's side would you fall on? Would you agree with her that she should leave him? Or would you encourage her to examine her attitude towards drink and work towards a compromise with her husband?

Elle Collins

ilookatporn wrote: »

If you want genuine advice or help then the suggestion to examine WHY you find porn so objectionable is a valid one as it might highlight a deeper problem in your relationship or perception of each other that needs addressing.

So a woman's objection to the pornography of sexuality highlights a deeper relationship problem that needs addressing? There was nothing wrong with the current state of this womans relationship until her partner brought pornography into the equation; and it was pornography that was responsible for adversely affecting her perception of him.

OP, my advice to you is that you do what's right for you, say what's right for you, and continue to refuse to accept anything that you experience as disrespectful or degrading. Please also be aware that the majority view of women is absolutely not expressed on these boards.

LegacyUser

Jeepers Op, you are really getting a trashing on here. Personal Issues as far as I know was supposed to be a supportive place where people came for advice. All I can see is people forcing their own ideas onto you. Everytime anyone has a problem with porn these people come out of the woodwork to tear the OP to shreds.

Can you people not for one second sit back and see what it is doing to this woman?? She is devastated and confused. She hates porn (as do I). She hates the idea of her husband using porn. If I was repulsed by some activity of my partner's he would give it up without a second thought... because he loves and respects me.

Why should you accept porn because it's mainstream and supposedly "everyone does it"?

You have a right to be annoyed and upset. I really feel bad for you OP. An Ex of my was addicted to porn, it got to the stage where he wasn't able to even have a w**k without it nevermind have sex!! He even brought it to work with him. He became a total stranger, obsessed with himself and the internet. I really really hope that it will never get to this extreme stage with you and your husband.

I hope you two can work this out.

Beruthiel

devestated op wrote: »

op again, thanks for your replies. its helping me through this. i cant even speak to my husband as when i tried yesterday i just got hysterical.

You need to calm down OP. He didn't go out and have an affair or blow all your money on a horse.
He watched a bit of porn. Getting hysterical over that is a tad OTT.

my husband knows i think its disgusting and degrading so he must not respect me or love me if he did it anyway.

Other than this, is your marriage in good nick?
Is he putting food on the table?
Is he taking responsibility for his family?
Does he show he cares in varies little ways?
If the answer is yes to those questions then he does love and respect you.

how can i compete with what you say is a fantasy?

You're not expected to. He understands the difference between real life and fantasy.

after thinking about this last night i noted also that we never 'make love' anymore its more rougher sex and he would often call me a slut etc while we were having sex, which didnt bother me but now i think its because he is thinking of porn and not me.

Have you discussed this with him?

regards me looking at his personal computer, surely if someone is doing something hurtful its not ok if its a secret?

You went on his personal computer to check up on him.
I'd loose the rag if my hubby thought it ok to snoop around my PC with the intent of trying to catch me out. I have never gone near his phone or PC. I would consider it the height of bad manners.

however we were-i thought-really happy at the moment and doing lots of things together as a family and also just as a couple. we were having loads of sex, as the pregnancy hormones were making me want it even more then him.

Then life is good and you are both happy. Personally, I'm not seeing a big problem.
You should both think about seeing a professional if you feel this strongly about it.

Mighty_Mouse

Tbh I actually don't have a problem with a woman who objects to porn on principle. ie. exploitation of disadvantaged women, degrading, leads to unrealistic sexual expectations..............etc

But I would argue your expectations of your husband are draconian.
Porn is absolutely everywhere, from top-shelf, 900+ channels on satellite TV, computer ...................it's just unrealistic for a wife to expect that a husband, (men being highly visually stimulated) will never ever take a look.

To think that when the husband breaks and gives into his natural instincts, his wife punishes him like he has pissed the bed or taken a dump in the neighbour’s front garden, in IMO shows a lack of understanding by the woman in the relationship.

The level of expectations, the implications of trust, faithfulness, loyalty which the OP is loading into the porn issue is just madness. It’s hysterical, over-emotional, illogical & a recipe for trouble.


The analogy that because your husband had a quick shake to a dirty picture, he doesn't respect you, doesn’t love you, doesn’t care about the family.............is manipulative in the extreme.

Lower your expectations of your husband. Outline again your reason for your objection & live with the reality that men are dirty dogs. Even the most pious, disciplined of us will occasionally flick to the lingerie section of the mail-order catalogues.

Yeah, & checking your husband’s private hand-held code-locked pc to find dirty secrets is an invasion of privacy, indicative of a controlling person, & you should apologise for it.

Nody

Elle Collins wrote: »

So a woman's objection to the pornography of sexuality highlights a deeper relationship problem that needs addressing?

You mean except her snooping around looking through his private PC for what he had done when she was out was what found it? Yea, there are deeper issues here.

There was nothing wrong with the current state of this womans relationship until her partner brought pornography into the equation; and it was pornography that was responsible for adversely affecting her perception of him.

Clearly something was wrong since OP had to go look for something being wrong in the first place. This also excluding the fact that I can't recall seeing any where that the man had agreed not to look at porn so the OP is upset over her husband not doing what she wants on top of it all. Why should only one side be allowed to decide what is allowed for the other? The OP has refused to answer all questions about why she should be allowed to decide what her husband can and can not do on his own time ALONE; the long and short story is she can't nor should.

And yes OP, you have two options as you stated; either you seek professional help regarding your issue with porn (it is perfectly ok to dislike porn on a private level but demand that someone else stop viewing it is not) or divorce him; because he's not going to stop looking at porn. He may not do it for a day, a week or a year but it will be there and you will never know when he does it and you clearly have deep set issues with porn from something (I'm not going to try to speculate on why or where).

Walls

Independent of whatever the actual problem is, you feel terribly hurt and upset. You both need to speak to each other, without anger, to tell each other how you feel. Lots of folk have told you that you are overreacting. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't. The fact is, this isn't a small complaint for you. You aren't suddenly making up opinions and you aren't doing this solely to make his life difficult for you.

People have lots of different opinions, of all ranges and depths. There is the stuff we can love about a person, stuff we can live with and stuff that crosses the line, and these are usually different for all of us. Folks online telling you that they don't feel the same way doesn't do a thing expect point out that we're all different.

Your husband did something that hurt you terribly. Now you're looking at him with new eyes, and reviewing past behaviour to see what it was that you missed. You need to talk this out with him. Throwing terms around like 'disgusting' and 'betrayal' don't help, because there is no where to go with that. What does help is saying what you feel. Say to him what you think of this; 'I feel betrayed, I feel I am not good enough for you'. He might have been seeing this from a completely different point of view, unaware of its impact on you.

A marriage/partnership is its own frame of reference, what goes on between the two of you, not the outside world, is the point. Share yourself with him, don't accuse him. Share your fears of what this means rather than your reactionary view of him as a man. You need to communicate and talk, without blame, for this to be something you move beyond from. He might well keep doing something you don't him to do, or he might not. Either way, keep sharing with him. It is the only way.

metrovelvet

I think you are having a disproportionate reaction to what you have found. If it were child porn or some of the really sick stuff that's out there then I could see your outrage, or if it were taking over his life or somehow getting in the way of your marriage, but all he is guilty of really is bad taste and using a masterbatory aid. Its escapism, that's all it is. And that is ok. We all use things to escape from the tedium and stresses of everyday life.

S23

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

The level of expectations, the implications of trust, faithfulness, loyalty which the OP is loading into the porn issue is just madness. It’s hysterical, over-emotional, illogical & really not on.

It’s like beating a kid who glances at mammy’s cigarette box out of curiosity, because someday, he’ll become a heroin addict staling granny’s handbags.

The analogy that because your husband had a quick shake to a dirty picture, he doesn't respect you, doesn’t love you, doesn’t care about the family.............is manipulative in the extreme.

My OH doesn't really have much time for porn. And I know she's not overly enamoured with me knocking one out to 17 busty lesbians or whatever. However, she doesn't go looking for 'evidence' that I did. She doesn't find what she doesn't look for. I respect her boundaries and she respects mine.

You're entitled to find porn disgusting. You're not entitled to demand your husband does.

You can talk all you want about trust, respect, loyalty and all the rest of it like he's actually crossed any lines on these things. You can draw all the stupid analogies between having and affair and all the rest of it. You can compare it to stuff that's just not valid like taking drugs. You can constantly try to justify your position but at the end of the day you're trying to restrict how he lives when how he lives is completely reasonable.

I do agree with Elle, just because a woman objects to porn does not automatically mean it highlights deeper issues that need addressing. However, in your case I think it does. I don't want to get all Freudian but seeing your Da's porno mag when you were 8, when you wouldn't have a clue what all these weird bits and bobs were, your mothers absolultey f*cking stupid reaction in sending you to your father and his subsequent anger at a) your snooping and b) your mothers stupidity seems to have left a very lasting impression on you.

It's not wrong for you to dislike porn. It's not wrong for you to find it disgusting. However, it is wrong for you to behave like a hysterical nutcase over something that is entirely notional rather than concrete. These huge levels of betrayl and infidelity and lack of respect are in your head. You need to talk to someone about these things because your marriage sounds likes its going nowhere as things stand. Unfortunately you have 2 (soon to be 3) kids involved. So if for no ones sake but theres I'd say to you take some counselling or professional advice on the matter and see if that can help you two sort things out a bit better.

Throwing hysterical fits or refusing to speak to him completely is going to get you nowhere.

Taltos

OP

I am going to suggest you try to take some time to yourself.
You need to figure out and be able to express without too much emotion what boundaries are not acceptable to you in your relationship.
You also need though to accept that this could be crunch time for your marriage.

Suggest to your OH that he take a similar approach.

Then sit down and talk about it. Both of you need to be able to listen to the other around this - so no interruptions and no great floods of tears. Also - if you say that this is a NO GO - then you have to accept the consequences.

I am saying all this as I know someone who tried to hash this out with her husband. For 2 yrs all was great until she was told by her son that he found porn all over the family PC. She felt she was left with no choice but to walk away... Is that a choice you can make now? Because as adamant that what he was doing was perverted and wrong especially where their son could find it - the husband was just as adamant that it was normal. With hindsight looking back maybe they would have approached things differently - but to me - this was all just a symptom of a bad marriage - the latest is a son with warped views on women and an inability to show respect to female relations... So be careful what you ask for...

I am not saying the above choice was correct - but as others have suggested your strength of feeling here does not make his opinion any less valid... Sometimes there has to be give and take - you know - dedicated PC, password protected; that "secret" browsing option or limiting use to certain days / times etc. - these are just options. Another option though harsh - remove the internet from your home...What do you really need it for???

S23

Just a word of warning, as Tatlos said, be sure you're willing and want to follow through any threats you make now.

Establishing what is and isn't on is fine. However, you're pretty far into the realtionship now so your OH doesn't have to accept you 'after timing' a load of rules he has no intention of following.

If you haven't specifically sat down with him at the start of your relationship and categorically stated that if you ever even once catch him watching porn you'll leave him and he's forbidden by you forever more to use it or else its over and he AGREED to that at the time then you've no right to try and force such a 'rule' on him now

ztoical

Taltos wrote: »

Sometimes there has to be give and take - you know - dedicated PC, password protected; that "secret" browsing option or limiting use to certain days / times etc. - these are just options. Another option though harsh - remove the internet from your home...What do you really need it for???

It was on a dedicated PC, the hubbies own in their bedroom that the OP says is usally password protected. Not once in the thread has the OP mentioned anything about worry about her children being exposed to porn, her total focus has been on, in her view, the husband 'disrespecting her'.

Fraid I'm siding with the hubby OP, total over reaction.

Taltos

ztoical wrote: »

It was on a dedicated PC, the hubbies own in their bedroom that the OP says is usally password protected. Not once in the thread has the OP mentioned anything about worry about her children being exposed to porn, her total focus has been on, in her view, the husband 'disrespecting her'.

Fraid I'm siding with the hubby OP, total over reaction.

But again - have they really talked about this properly - either before or after.
It is all great pointing fingers at guilty parties - but what I am saying until they really and I mean really talk blaming one or the other is an exercise in futility and one that will only lead to resentment and possible marriage breakup...

28064212

Taltos wrote: »

But again - have they really talked about this properly - either before or after.
It is all great pointing fingers at guilty parties - but what I am saying until they really and I mean really talk blaming one or the other is an exercise in futility and one that will only lead to resentment and possible marriage breakup...

That approach would be fine. Great actually. Except the OP has said there is no way she can get over this. There's no wiggle room for compromise, there's no possibility of a conciliatory solution, she is saying that what he did is wrong in an absolute sense. That is what (most) posters are taking issue with

Mighty_Mouse

I am saying all this as I know someone who tried to hash this out with her husband. For 2 yrs all was great until she was told by her son that he found porn all over the family PC. She felt she was left with no choice but to walk away...

From a marriage!! wtf................plain backward thinking, moralistic, religidiculous.........."burn the witch" mentality. I'm sorry I don't se how anyone with any sort commitment to a life partner which incorporates mutual understanding & love towards each other, could just lay down a holyier-than-thou marker, & walk away when the man doesn't reach it. (2 years later!!))

Any woman with silly expectations can only expect to be disappointed. A man's radar for the opposite sex is not something that can be switched off with a ring on the finger.

I can guarantee you during those barren years of respecting Mary's virginity even poor aul Joseph had to let Old Faithful blow.

ztoical

Taltos wrote: »

But again - have they really talked about this properly - either before or after.
It is all great pointing fingers at guilty parties - but what I am saying until they really and I mean really talk blaming one or the other is an exercise in futility and one that will only lead to resentment and possible marriage breakup...

Like 28064212 has said the OP has repeated and stressed in several posts that it's set in stone and she will not bend on the subject so there really seems to be only one option she is leaving herself which is give up on the whole thing cus frankly I can't see the husband just blanket giving in like this. Where does it stop? Looking at the page 3 girl in the newspaper? Watching regular telly, cus trust me folks can get off just as much if not more on watching that then porn? Unless she made her zero tolerance of porn clear before they married and he agreeded she can't go around demanding he act and behave in certain ways. They may be married but they aren't joined at the hip, they are still people with different points of view and as a couple they will need to reach a agreement that suits both parties not blanket demands that one submit to the others views.

fungun

1) accept the behavious as if i dont it will be a case of he will do it anyway but secretly or he will do something worse. as stated i CANNOT accept this rejection and betrayal, if i could i would accept it and get over it. i wished this wasn't a big deal to me but i CANNOT control this.

I do not mean to be offensive in any way but I cannot accept this.

You had a childhood incident relating to your Dad using porn and have thought it vile and disgusting ever since, and its a big deal to you which you have spoken through with your husband.

Understood that much.

But...."I CANNOT control this". This I do not accept. Have you even tried to control this? If I were I really would see a counsellor about this.

They key point I see OP is that you actually sound like you have a healthy marriage but this one issue could b causing a big issue in what is basically a healthy marriage which lots of women would love to have.

At times like this I would try to park the issue. 7 months in, new baby on the way is probably not the time to start counselling unless you feel you are gonna break up over it. Id get through these next few months and then try some counselling. However if you do feel that strongly, Id go to a counsellor together right now.

But for the sake of your sanity & your marriage remember all the good stuff and try not to get hung up on the one bad thing.

Taltos

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

From a marriage!! wtf................plain backward thinking, moralistic, religidiculous.........."burn the witch" mentality. I'm sorry I don't se how anyone with any sort commitment to a life partner which incorporates mutual understanding & love towards each other, could just lay down a holyier-than-thou marker, & walk away when the man doesn't reach it. (2 years later!!))

Any woman with silly expectations can only expect to be disappointed. A man's radar for the opposite sex is not something that can be switched off with a ring on the finger.

I can guarantee you during those barren years of respecting Mary's virginity even poor aul Joseph had to let Old Faithful blow.

As I said - in this case it was one symptom - there were many others but this was the proverbial straw that opened the eyes of the wife - found herself x yrs into a marriage where she knew she was not loved nor respected - she was just an ego boost - and extension of his vision for himself.

In terms of the rest saying that she has already stressed that she will not back down on this - yup got that - but wanted to phrase my response in a way to elicit thought.

Short answer here is with a rigid view like this - her marriage is already over - if not now - it will be when she finds more porn in the proverbial 2 years....

Best of luck op - think carefully about what you want here.

op now

op now wrote: »

'm really sad to think that the only advice for me is to

1) accept the behaviour

2) break up my marriage

You are almost right that these are the options, but I think there is a third somewhere between 1 and 2 that is worth exploring.

I do not claim to be the voice of reason at all but I do find that my position on this thread is somewhat in tune with what you are saying but also with what a lot of the advice you are getting is saying too. So I hope this reply is actually useful to you in that I feel I may be able to mediate between you and your aggressors on here.

First of all it is worth pointing out that this thread has descended into two areas. Those who are discussing whether porn itself is ok or not, and those discussing your situation. Let us be plain, I think your opinion on porn is wrong and I think the reasons you have thus far given for thinking what you do are pretty bad ones. However this is NOT the topic of the thread so let us proceed from here without discussing whether porn is ok or not and I will impartially give my advice without getting into that argument with you.

The reason we can be impartial in this is that I would give you the same advice as I am about to give you even if we were talking about your husbands addiction to alchohol, washing his car, watching the Xfactor on TV, or body building with weights in the back room 6 hours a day. The fact we are talking about porn impacts not at all on the advice I would give and so we do not need to get into a debate over whether porn is ok.

The fact is that in a relationship there must be compromise. No two people are 100% compatible in every way and for any relationship to work people have only 2 choices available to them that I am aware of:

1) find a compromise on the incompatibilities that works for all involved
2) choose to live with the incompatibilities because the value of being with that person outweighs the cost of suffering the incompatibility.

If neither of these is possible then, quite frankly, the relationship is over. No compromise is possible and you can not live with the incompatibility as it stands. Game over.

It sounds to me like you have thought long and hard about option 2 and have decided you simply can not abide the behaviour in question, nor turn a blind eye to it. So I will proceed on the premise that 2) simply is not an option for you. I think this is an error but it is not one I can explore with you, so I merely ask that you explore it again yourself.

The only option available to you therefore is to explore 1). I think the only way to do this is for you to sit with your husband and discuss it with him without getting hysterical this time. You need to forget your hatred of porn for now and discuss this as impartially with him as I am with you now… without the rightness or wrongness of porn getting in the way of your emotions or thoughts on the issue.

I think such a conversation needs to go through a few steps:

1) Firstly assure him that this conversation will not get emotional this time, that you both need to find a resolution to this and emotion helps no one. If either feels like anger is coming, call a halt and go watch your favourite comedy show together or have dinner or whatever and rejoin the conversation when emotions are no longer high. Important is to realise this is not a fight, nor a debate or a competition, but just one of the many hurdles we all face in relationships that needs you to come together as a unit and solve. Finally do not think of this porn as trival like eating an orange or whatever you said before. Forget, as I said, that it is porn you are talking about or how trivial you think it is. This is at this time a need he has, and addressing that is a need you have. Neither persons position is "trivial" here. Treat each other as equals in this before proceeding to step 2.

2) Secondly the main target would be to find out why he feels he needs porn and what he gets from it. This is a danger zone of emotion so do this calmly as possible. Try to understand, despite you not understanding peoples love of porn, what it is he enjoys about it. Most important of all is to listen here. This is NOT a debate with him. If he gives you his reasons, do not start telling him why you think those reasons are bad, stupid, wrong or anything. This is ONLY an exercise in communication and understanding. You want to know what his reasons are, not discuss whether they are good or bad ones!!

3) Thirdly do the same in reverse. Discuss with him, again calmly, why you dislike porn so much. Make sure he realises this part is NOT a debate, you just want him to understand what your feeling is. He, like I very much do, might think your arguments about it being demeaning are poppy cock and nonsense but make sure before you get into it that he knows this is not up for debate at this time. You merely want to be as clear as possible as to how you feel.

4) Now you know each others positions. First thing to do will be to find out if him giving up the porn is an option. Does he feel he can do this for you? If so then skip to the end of this list of steps, you’re done. Happy ending. Well done.

5) If you are at step 5 it is because he will not give up the porn. This is the compromise step. What you need to do now is go back to what you learned about what he gets from it and find out if there is anything that will work in it’s place. Is there anything else that can give him what he gets from porn that might make him reconsider his answer in step 4? Maybe if you get to step 5 you can return here and write out, in plain language without your own opinion, what he told you in Step 2 and we here can further advise you on ideas for step 5. For one example, just to get your mind working on what kind of options are out there, one answer I have found with many couples I have worked with in your situation is for YOU to make some porn together or you alone for him. Porn for some men is merely sexual stimulation used where the chance/energy/motivation for real sex is not available. The only reason some men look at OTHER women in porn is simply because they do not HAVE any porn of the woman they love and never thought to ask. Another thing we have realised in discussions such as this is that porn is a substitute not for sex, but for boredom. It is not sexual stimulation that is being sought, but sexual stimulation is being USED for what is being sought... an outlet for unused energy. Maybe you simply need to be doing more in life together, or he hates his job, or he feels he needs time away from the kids (dont we all sometimes) and porn is the only thing he can think of to do during that time. The key here is explore explore explore, again not about whether porn is right or wrong, but whether there is some way to give him what he gets out of porn a different way.

If Step 5 fails you then as I said, you need to either learn to live with it, or consider the relationship over.

In summary, contrary to what some posters on here are telling you, this is not your problem, nor is it his. This is your problem together, both of you and you share that problem and the "blame" (for want of a better word) 50:50, now 90:10 or 60:40 or even 49:51.

You need to work it out together. The only way to do that is systematically and without anger or strong emotion. Realise that this is a problem you both face, and not a debate or competition that one of you is out to win.

And above all, good luck.

Ickle Magoo

op now wrote: »

op here.

thanks again for replies. i'm really sad to think that the only advice for me is to

1) accept the behavious as if i dont it will be a case of he will do it anyway but secretly or he will do something worse. as stated i CANNOT accept this rejection and betrayal, if i could i would accept it and get over it. i wished this wasn't a big deal to me but i CANNOT control this.

2) or to break up my marriage and my family over something as trivial as 'eating oranges' which obviously i dont want to do. i love him.

how can i accept something i dont think is right? the argument we had the last time was so so massive and soul distroying and it made my feelings clear about what is not accpetable to me from my husband-it is basic respect. i am not glad as some of you said he kept it secret, or that he didn't go out and find any other girl. i am sad he needs to do this and devestated about what this says about our relationship.

obviously the majority of you think i am a crazy pregnant woman who is ridiculously prude and controlling. i dont think i am like that, and i thought my husband understood me and loved me and would hate to make me feel like this. i thought we were happy and didnt need to keep secrets. basically i was wrong about everything and now i'm stuck here, pregnant and deeply deeply hurting with no idea how to proceed from here.

I'm sorry you are hurting so much. I really think you would benefit from talking to someone who can offer counsel rather than from strangers on the internet...I think looking at an image on a screen is no different to closing your eyes and imagining it - that you view something that you have no control over and really no right to control as this great betrayal and rejection would suggest to me that your issues with sexuality &/or pornography are much deeper than just your husband looking at porn.

There is a fine line between demanding respect and trying to control and I think you have to be careful not to cross it and to understand why you would want to control this in the first place. You deliberately checked his hand-held. You were looking to be outraged. I really think you should look into counselling and working through why you feel the way you do. That's not to say you should like porn or like your husband using it - but I think you have to get a handle on why it's used and see it as less of a reflection on you, your sexuality or your relationship.

All the best.

Zen65

devestated op wrote: »

my husband knows i think its disgusting and degrading so he must not respect me or love me if he did it anyway.

I'm a bit Buddhist, so I generally try to think in simple terms and not to allow my emotions interfere with my thinking processes. My "morality" is entirely respect-based, rather than based on belief in any external deity. I'm pretty sure that respect is either two-way or non-existent. Your post suggests that you expect your husband to alter his actions out of respect for you, but you do not indicate any compromise by way of your respect towards him. Far from it in fact, you disrespect his privacy to act as the prosecutor, judge and jury of his behaviour.

You use the word "respect" in your postings only to indicate how your husband should respect you, but you offer no (visible) sign of respect towards him.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not into defending porn. I neither care for it nor dislike it, provided all parties involved in making it and viewing it are doing so of their own will. I'm not sticking up for your husband as part of the male collegiate, it's most certainly not in my nature to think that way.

OP, I genuinely do believe that you love your husband, but you seem to believe that your love deserves his respect. This is wrong. Your love may be reciprocated by his love (ideally.... and I dare say it is in your marriage), but only respect deserves respect in exchange. You don't show much respect in this matter, by demanding that he avoids doing something that you disapprove of, and by checking up on him to see what images are on his PC.

There are exceptions of course. Certain acts are so inherently harmful that they should never be tolerated: violence, drug-taking, abuse of minors, etc etc. But your husband's act was only to masturbate. He used a pornographic image to help him do this, but did so privately. If he was a more visual person he could have simply imagined himself being with Megan Fox, or whoever is the current "it" girl.

Linking his refusal to have sex the night before to his "DIY" act the next day is very poor logic. If he was feeling unwell going to bed he was unlikely to be able to perform with you. The "DIY" job requires only a fraction of the effort that the real thing requires, and a man can do the deed even when he is unable to walk, provided he can move his arms.

If a male poster came to this forum to complain that his wife refused sex with him ONE TIME he would be (rightly) told to cop himself on. A wife or husband must be free to say "no" when they just don't want it. If the pattern repeats itself for a prolonged period then the couple has issues, and they should discuss it or seek help. A marriage without sex is pretty much doomed to be a hollow façade.

You say that the two of you have sex regularly, so I'm guessing that things are normally good between you. You mention that he is increasingly into "rough" sex, but it's not clear that you have spoken to him about this..... so maybe he thinks you enjoy it that way? In any event, a couple's sex life needs to change and evolve over the years to avoid going stale. You should discuss how you would like it to evolve with him, and while keeping open about ways to enhance the act, never feel under duress to cross any of your boundaries (for yourself).

i remember clearly as a child (maybe 8??) finding a playboy magazine of my fathers and thinking it was vile. i told my mam, who obviously knew, as i was so upset. she got me to tell my dad why i was so upset and he went crazy cause i went through his stuff. how ironic now that i am in this situation.

Actually this isn't irony. Irony would be if your child found something you had hidden and told you why he was upset to have found it. This story simply shows that you did not learn from your ways as a child.... you just repeated the same behaviour and got the same results.

surely if someone is doing something hurtful its not ok if its a secret? for example. is it ok for a partner to have a one night stand if there is no way for their spouse to find out?

No, this is an entirely different matter. Through marriage (or a LTR) a couple commit to monogamy. They do not commit to not think of other people, and certainly they do not commit to not look at other people. If monogamy meant not looking at other people then we would be compelled to adopt the Muslim custom of forcing women (and men, in fairness) to wearing burkhas. The Hollywood film industry, music industry, and most forms of popular entertainment (including Mills & Boon books!!) would be forced out of business.

I don't know if any of this helps you. I think you have issues about yourself and your concerns about your own attractiveness which colour your views about what your husband did. I think a talk with a relationship counsellor (together, or separately) would help you both. You need to start by talking to your husband again.... he deserves that much respect from you.

Lastly (slightly glib, no offence intended):

there is one thing that i wanted to try with him and i have raised the issue with him a few times but he was not into it so because i love him and respect him i understand its not going to happen.

I imagine he'll try it now if he thought it would help you understand that he does love you!!



Be at peace,

Z

kylith

devestated op wrote: »

i am not trying to control his sexuality-its a respect issue. its not a curiosity thing as there are loads of things il never experience (a one night stand, what its like to sleep with someone else, have a lesbian experience etc etc) but that dosn't mean i will lose out. i will never experience those things because i made a choice to be with my husband and i dont want to hurt him and i love him so i wouldnt want to do that anyway. also there is one thing that i wanted to try with him and i have raised the issue with him a few times but he was not into it so because i love him and respect him i understand its not going to happen.

So, you fantasised about a sex act, and now you're all upset with your husband because he did the same thing?

Have you never felt a tingling in your nethers at a particularly handsome man on telly or in the street? Do you always, always think about your husband while masturbating? If the answer is yes then aren't you guilty of the same disrespect that you accuse your husband of?

devestated op wrote: »

...'make love' anymore its more rougher sex and he would often call me a slut etc while we were having sex, which didnt bother me but now i think its because he is thinking of porn and not me.

How do you know he's not thinking of you when he's watching porn? Maybe when he sees something new on a video it gives him ideas about how to spice up your own sex life.

I'm a woman and I watch porn. When I do I usually mentally put myself and my partner in the roles of the people in the video. Maybe it's the same for men.

If you're not enjoying the rough sex then you need to discuss that with him.

devestated op wrote: »

i have always thought porn was disgusting. i remember clearly as a child (maybe 8??) finding a playboy magazine of my fathers and thinking it was vile. i told my mam, who obviously knew, as i was so upset. she got me to tell my dad why i was so upset and he went crazy cause i went through his stuff. how ironic now that i am in this situation.

Yes, how ironic that 30, or whatever, years later you still haven't learned not to go through other people's things.

There's an old saying that eavesdroppers never hear anything good about themselves, and it's the same for snoops.

Talk to your husband calmly, go to a mediator if necessary. Tell him that you don't like him looking at porn, but if he says that he has no intention of stopping then you will either have to accept that and ask him to be more discreet or you will have to decide if this (imo imagined) disrespect is worth breaking up your family over.

S23

Look you have reams of advice here. I think the bottom line is if there were no kids involved and you were taking such a totaliterian stance as you are, and you didn't look like you were going to budge an inch from your position which seems to be the case, then I'd simply say you're not going to be compatible so cut your losses.

However, there are kids involved so you're all or nothing approach is hugely selfish and potentially harmful to your kids and their future.

Quite simply you HAVE to get some kind of couples counselling. You won't find the answer here. You might find some good advice and some helpful people but you won't find the golden ticket here.

You have kids and another on the way. You owe it to them to attempt to work through this and since you, by your own admission, are incapable of doing that one to one with your OH then counselling is your only option

ilovetosing

Im gonna just say what I think that I am sure others have thought and be totally blunt with you OP. Whatever about your childhood experiences being the cause of your disgust you are obviously very insecure in yourself, I cannot say exactly how obviously but my impression is that you are insecure about your own looks and body when comparing it to the ones you know you and HE can see and view on any porn site. Your disguit imo is just your insecure body speaking out and you are using the phrase " he isn't repecting me" as black smoke to cover up exactly what is wrong yet you may not know this yourself. Remenber its only my take on things im not trying to be cruel.

You are driving your husband further into doing this and who knows if you kept this up maybe he would go out and find intimacy elsewhere. You need to calm down for your babys sake more so than your marriage. You will break down and you can't afford that cause your baby relies on you.

You have the responsibility of a life other than yours to look out for and PORN has caused this argument with your hubby and debate on this forum and it seems like it is at epic proportions. Im not sure if you are immature, selfish or both but if you want a family you have to get over this.