Should I trust my boyfriend

LegacyUser

On saturday night, I was out with my boyfriend, his friend and a few of my friends for a fancy dress night in a local pub, was a good night but during the night my boyfriend was missing loads, I didnt take any notice but then in the smoking area he was talking to a girl in a play bunny outfit, he introduced me as his girlfriend which was fair enough. I hadnt seen him for a while so I was a bit annoyed at him and walked off.


Afterwords he said that this girl (total random) was his smoking buddy, he left me and his friend (non-smokers) upstairs earlier in the night to go to the smoking area and throughout the night he met her and they would go smoking together. She was saying to him to mind her as there was a guy chatting her up (So she was using him as a stand in boyfriend for the night).

The following day I saw pictures of them in his phone and he said they swapped facebook details. His friend hooked up with someone so he was out of the picture later in the night. Months ago, My boyfriend invited me out on a work night and spent the night holding hands with a workmate on the way to the smoking area so he does have a flirty nature with the opposite sex and another occasion, we went for a few drinks after a rugby game and its ended up being him and a few girls and then he does shots with one girl I didnt know very well.

Backround info: Going out just over a year. In fairness he has been completely honest, if anything a little too honest.

As I am not objective I want to know if:

A) Im a paranoid jealous girlfriend and should cut him some slack
Are the alarm bells correct and if he was interested in me he wouldnt be doing this (especially since these are night thats I have come out too, imagine what he is like when Im not around????)

Adam

cut him some slack, paranoia ruins relationships.

Ickle Magoo

I'm not even sure this is an issue of trust and not one of basic respect. Leaving you hanging so he can spend half the night with someone else as their stand-in boyfriend is hardly the actions of a mature, caring boyfriend.

As for the flirting, meh, some people are just really flirty - the question is are you comfortable with that.

If you have different boundaries and expectations then you have to discuss that or you will both end up frustrated and resentful.

All the best.

Leelaa22

more than likely he is innocent. but if his actions are making you feel this way(which is understandable if he is ditching you on nights out). Id ditch him. he wont change and you cant ask him to. but you are two different people who feel different things may be appropriate. These feelings wont go away, so id end it.

seenitall

Should you trust your boyfriend?

I wouldn't.

Spent the night holding hands with another woman - sheesh! :D:D

But probably that's just old "paranoid" me.

Princess Peach

I think on the trust issue, that maybe you can trust him. He didn't really do anything secretive or behind your back. If he had spent all the time talking to a boy, would you feel any worry? He just met someone interesting and wanted to make a new friend I'd say. Some men just get along really well with girls and have a lot of female friends. Don't expect him to just have male friends, and maybe he just is a friendly chatty person?

And maybe talk to him about leaving you all night. If this is something that happens regularly. Never expect someone to just know that what they have done upset you, you need to make it clear for people if you don't want it to happen again.

But unless he has done things in the past to make you not trust him, I dont think you should worry about that. The flirting is probably just part of his personality. I'm the same and its not something I find easy to turn off when I'm in a relationship!

funky15_2

hey.. Op I think you have every right to be a bit hacked off at your boyfriend....

at the end of the day if your out with your girlfriend for a night and spend half the night with a new female friend and end up swapping facebook details with them its just not on, its just not appropriate..

listen... your not been paranoid or jealous, your entitled to be pissed... where was his respect for you while he was off cosying up to his new buddy? and walking around hand in hand with a girl from work while your there??? playground stuff....

all very well for posters to say your overeacting when they havent been in that position.. ignore!

notmyself

Hi,
I feel your pain. I have recently moved abroad to be with my long distance boyf of 18 months. Since getting here I have discovered that he was having flirtations with 2 girls during the Summer on random nights out. Numbers were swapped and facebook details. One girl has even come up still trying to stay in touch. Apparently it was just harmless banter he was acting as a wingman for his single friends. There was no kissing or further. This is what I have been told. I have heartbroken. I gave up so much to be here. Now all this comes up. Am I over reacting? uber sensitive?
The reality is I wouldnt behave like this ever. I adore him does he adore me?
What should have been a lovely time hasnt because of all this drama.
I feel so alone and hard done by and not good enough its really awful and pathetic.
If I were to give you objective advise. I would say be ready just in case you need to jump ship. Be mentally strong and ready. Look after yourself. Nobody deserves to be taken for granted or let down.

pollypocket10

A) No you're having a perfectly normal reaction to your boyfriend behaving in at best totally rude and disrespectul manner (This would be the case whether it was a male of female he ditched you for), at worst his behavior leads to your next question.

Who knows he could just have an overly flirtatious personality or he could be lining up his next bit on the side or GF (Cheaters do exist despite the advocation of blind trust that is rampant on this board).

In any case I think you are right to be hearing alarm bells at this stage.

LegacyUser

I'd be a bit annoyed, I have to say... holding hands with another girl would be enough to set me off, never mind leaving me stranded with his mate while he talks to a playboy bunny! I couldn't be with someone who was so flirty (even if it is just harmless flirting) with the opposite sex.

Distorted

I wouldn't put up with it.

S23

I think Ickle hit the nail on the head way back. It might be more a question of respect than of trust IMO

Different people have different boundaries and the levels of flirting some are willing to put up with are greater than others.
You'll get a lot of people saying on here to relax and theres no harm in flirting as long and you're the one he's with and all that.

However, I would say that if he's going to the stage where what he is doing is making you uncomfortable or hurting you then he needs to row it back in. I do think he is at that stage to be honest.

He met this girl having a smoke. Fair enough. But this continually going off to find her (and leaving you to your own devices) then going for a smoke is a bit OTT in my opinion. If you run into someone outside and have a chat then fair enough but this thing of going off to find this stranger to be his 'smoking buddy' for the night sounds like a load of nonsense to me.

Especially because a) he kept leaving you alone and spent half the night with b) some random girl he met. Throw that on top of the whole holding hands with a girl from work while you were there and I do think that you'd be fair to say a line has been crossed.

No harm in a bit of flirting but this is obviously getting to you so he needs to address it and dial it down or knock it on the head.

So to answer your questions

a) You're not a paranoid jealous girlfriend and you most certainly have been cutting him plenty of slack up to now

b) I don't know about alarm bells. He might just think it's alright to act like that with women. If you have nothing else to go on then I'd say theres every chance he has no intention of doing anything with these girls of a sexual nature (and hasn't done before).

It's still and issue though. Leaving you alone for half the night to go off flirting with strangers is simply not on at all. It shows you zero respect.

Zen65

Halloween Chick wrote: »

On saturday night, I was out with my boyfriend, his friend and a few of my friends for a fancy dress night in a local pub, was a good night but during the night my boyfriend was missing loads, I didnt take any notice but then in the smoking area he was talking to a girl in a play bunny outfit, he introduced me as his girlfriend which was fair enough.

Let me lay my cards on the table here.... I'm a long-time married male.

I have as many female friends as I have male friends, and while I might not be especially "flirty" I do enjoy a laugh with any of my friends, regardless of their gender. This background may colour my assessment of your story.

It seems to me that your bf will often be "missing loads" whenever you go to a pub, because he's a smoker, and that's probably why you thought nothing of it on the night.....until you saw him talking to a girl in a "bunny outfit".

But he was up front about explaining that you were his OH, and he was upfront to you in telling you that he was going to be her "smoking buddy" for the night. Posters here have commented that it was disrespectful of him to leave you alone "for half the night" (though you didn't say how long you were actually left alone) to be with this random friend, but I'm betting that on any night out with him he leaves you alone about the same amount of time to go outside and have a smoke. If he'd been outside chatting to a guy (I'm guessing he probably does, at times) you probably would not have counted the minutes he was away.

My read of this is that you are retrospectively distorting the events on the night in your own head because you saw something about this girl that was a potential threat to you (the bunny outfit, maybe?).

I do see that you describe him as having a flirty nature on other occasions, but this is the way he behaves when you are there, so to him this is just his persona, and asking him to change it is unreasonable.

Has he asked you to take up smoking to be more like him??? I guess not.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not "sticking up for the guy"........ to me your bf's worst attribute is that he's a smoker, and I find that highly undesirable in a person's character as it shows poor judgement and a lack of personal responsibility. But you accept this in him, and that's your right. Why you should find his friendly nature towards other people to be a problem is not clear to me, especially since it appears he has never crossed the line in terms of his relationships with these other women. I don't consider hand-holding to be a sexual thing, unless of course it's accompanied by other acts. This bf is probably very comfortable socially with your gf's in a way that many women wish their bf's could be??

And that's my 2 cents.



Be at peace,

Z

LighterGuy

pollypocket10 wrote: »

....B) Who knows he could just have an overly flirtatious personality or he could be lining up his next bit on the side or GF (Cheaters do exist despite the advocation of blind trust that is rampant on this board).

In any case I think you are right to be hearing alarm bells at this stage.

Pollypocket raised excellent points. This board does advocate blind trust (110% agree) and that in relationships you shouldnt always give blind trust (You'll end up ignoring even the most obvious of alarm bells) Not to mention his behaviour does indeed sound like he is lining things up.


Op, want some great advice?
When faced with certain situations (like this one) You have to always take out certain factors (blind trust, how long you've been with him, how well do you know him etc) there is a reason why the saying "actions speak louder than words" has caught on.

As for my own view?
He is lining things up. I am a guy and I can tell you something, if i was with a girl for a year and spend majority of the night with a girl I dont know... AWAY FROM MY GF, talking to her, illregardless if i state "oh this is my girlfriend" - i am lining things up. Now how invested can I be in my relationship if I still want to keep people hanging with the "just in case" attitude.

Not even to mention it puts high risk that he is the type of guy to have someone on the side. You were there that night. What about other nights where you werent.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone, good to know Im not being paranoid. We talked about things and I said that he is free to be single if that what he wants. In fairness, in a year, its only these few occasions where I felt bad so hopefully there wont be anything else. I think I agree with zen65 in the sense that he is a heavy smoker and would spend all night in the smoking area whereas I am a non-smoker so I dont understand it.

Wibbs

I'm with ickle magoo and others as far as the respect part goes.

As for trust? Maybe I'm being subjective here but to me hand holding some workmate in front of a partner is well beyond flirting and I would be a flirt as a default setting. It's again not so much about trust but respect knowing you're there. Again just my take, but this last incident with her asking him to "mind me cos this bloke is chatting me up"? IMHO That is such a line in a lot of cases. One of the classics in fact. Put it another way, if I was out some night and I met some random woman in the smoking section and we're pretty much arranging to go outside most of the night, swapping facebook details, taking pics of each other etc and she uses that line on me? I'd be thinking strongly along the lines of "ho ho it's looking good here". I would think even the socially dumbest of men would surely know that? So either he's checking out options, though I'm thinking more likely he was just getting his ego fix. Looking back a lot of my flirting was for that ego buzz.

The honesty part? Yes honesty is good. Very good, but some can use it as an excuse as much as a virtue. EG you go out with someone and they tell you early on they're a terrible flirt and are straight up about it. Then you take issue when they push your boundaries. Their honesty is a perfect excuse to come back with "well I told you what I was like". The thing I've found in life is that most people, men and women are actually pretty honest and will tell you pretty clearly what they're like. The thing is most people don't listen especially where love is concerned.

Like you said in the year there's only been a couple of times like this, so they're likely just blips in an otherwise good relationship. I wouldn't put too much store in them in isolation.

LegacyUser

Its mad because when we talk about it, I end up apologising and he says that Im jealous. He is after 2 4 year relationships so I told him that maybe he didnt get enough of a chance being single. I dont want to bring up old issues to him but I want to get it sorted. I dont want him to change and he loves chatting to random people in pubs which I really like and we have a great time together but the carry on with these girls gets on my nerves and they are always stunners, I think if the girl wasnt wearing a play bunny suit it wouldnt of bothered me so much. But what I dont get is he was so concerned that the girl wasnt being chatted up and he couldnt give a dam if someone was chatting me up. Is he a player, is it even worth my while talking to him.

S23

Agree that holding hands with someone is beyond flirting in my book. Also to be doing that with you there on that occasion is massively disrespectful.

I'd agree with the point that honesty is one thing but it's not an excuse to act inappropriately. Saying you're a flirt and being honest about it is one thing but it doesn't mean you have a green card to do as you like with other women (to the point he seems to) and then simply turn around and say 'well I told you what I was like'.

Also, if you want a specific alarm bell, this notion of some stranger he only met as a 'smoking buddy' for the evening? Absolutel f*cking garbage. If you meet someone out having a smoke fine. If you happen to bump into them again when you're out smoking then fine.
This notion that you arrange at the start of the night to constantly meet each other throughout the night to go and talk to each other and this is normal is simply not true. And, surprise, surprise, this person happend to be a very attractive girl. He specifically went out of his way to constantly spend time with the girl who was a total stranger. He then proceeded to swap details with her etc.. That's simply not on.

This wasn't just being chatty and talking to strangers on a night out. It wasn't just a bit of box standard flirting with someone who happend to be there. This was a concerted effort to constantly spend time with 1 person that night. If I was in your shoes that would have all my alarm bells ringing and I'd be hugely bothered by it. That's not to say he's planning to nail her or anything but it IMO showed a total lack of respect for you.

I can take my OH being flirty or being chatty or just being nice in general. However, there are limits and I think your BF went beyond those. Some people might think it's alright and they can hammer that out in their own relationships. I think it showed a total lack of respect. And if you feel the same it doesn't make you super jealous or anything like that.

LegacyUser

Halloween Chick wrote: »

Its mad because when we talk about it, I end up apologising and he says that Im jealous.

So you have a worry. You talk about it in the hope of resolving it. Your boyfriend calls you jealous because he flirts with other girls. This shows that he doesn't respect you or your boundaries. Dump him. Most people know when they're not showing respect to their partners. Your boyfriend should know how disrespectful he is being without you having to point it out to him. You're not his mammy.


Total player, in my opinion.

LegacyUser

I'm a girl going out with my bf for 2 and half years and I love flirting on nights out. When we first started going out my bf told me it was unacceptable to him in a relationship for me to swap numbers with guys while out as it's almost cheating. I would have thought there was nothing wrong with it as I would have had no intention of contacting whoever it was I had met. But I have never since given my number or facebook details to a guy when I'm out. Because I know the boundaries that have been set in our relationship. Maybe you should tell your bf some boundaries that you think should be established, ie regarding hand-holding and swapping details. If he respects your relationship then it shouldn't be a problem.

pwd

flirtygirl wrote: »

I'm a girl going out with my bf for 2 and half years and I love flirting on nights out. When we first started going out my bf told me it was unacceptable to him in a relationship for me to swap numbers with guys while out as it's almost cheating. I would have thought there was nothing wrong with it as I would have had no intention of contacting whoever it was I had met. But I have never since given my number or facebook details to a guy when I'm out. Because I know the boundaries that have been set in our relationship. Maybe you should tell your bf some boundaries that you think should be established, ie regarding hand-holding and swapping details. If he respects your relationship then it shouldn't be a problem.

:O
The domineering bully!