Am I wrong?

LegacyUser

I'm wondering if anybody could tell me if I am being un reasonable in my situation.


Basically, my hubby and I are in the process of moving to an old house which needs alot of work done to it. When we both had the same day off, we decided to get stuck into it. His mother decides to call down with his dad. She then leaves, leaving his father. She then came back with her brother her sister and husband and her own father. Now, it wasnt as if these were quick five minute visits, I mean they knew we were under alot of pressure getting things done. We had work men in and out all that day, we basically have a building site at the moment.


To me, they were in the way. I said it to my husband that I didn't think it was fair that firstly, we were not consulted about this and that his mother was marching everyone in and about like it was her house and secondly we weren't even consulted as to whether it was ok for everyone to come down! His answer was, " well, I can't say anything! Everyone works during the week so thats probably why they came down and I can't exactly say no to them coming in"!



The next day we went back to the house and I said I was looking forward to a "just us day" and when we pulled up, there was the dad again in OUR house doing stuff! He must have taken my hubbies key!



Am I over reacting and being un reasonable and what should I do to get out of this situation!!!!



Thanks in advance!

thefeatheredcat

I would say yes, over reacting a bit, but I think it sounds like both you and your husband were caught off guard and put on the spot with their visiting, so it's understandable. Maybe they didn't think it would be an issue.

However, having work men around in and out is tricky business at the best of times, having to keep tabs on getting things done, and it's fair to say you're under pressure getting it all done up properly and things done right.

I'd say make it up to your husband first and jointly face the folks and gently put it to them that while you would love the unexpected visiting (which of course they are welcome to do so under other circumstances), would prefer if called ahead or arrange at this time so it doesn't conflict with something major being done and thus can give them proper attention. Put a positive spin on it.

They probably want to be involved in it some way by just being around or if you need something doing that involves some sleeves being rolled up and hands getting dirty and making themselves useful. Bare that in mind, they'll probably the first to offer to help with cleaning and that or impart with valuable advice or guidance (asked or otherwise) as well as helping with moving, so it shouldn't be a reason to end up being in bad terms with another.

CliffHuxtabel

OP do these unannounced visits happen regularly or was it just these two times?

If it was only two visits then yes you are overreacting but your'e clearly under pressure to get the house done.

Maybe you could tell your in-laws that your'e busy with the house at the moment and you have to concentrate on that on your days off and give them a hint that you cant have them over for a while. This obviously requires some finesse and I'm not sure what your relationship with them is like so maybe this is not appropriate.

If their presence continues to be a nuisance then you should strongly suggest to your husband that he tells his folks that you two are unavailable for house calls while the house is under renovation. Surely he's capable of getting the message across.

Whatever you do, avoid a full-on confrontation with your in-laws as you cant win that one.

Neyite

there might be two reasons that your Mother in Law showed up - one, to have a good look around, bringing others for the same, and the other, to provide hands on help to you, and bring in helpers. you probably know what category they fit into, depending on how they were dressed?

i would have handed them tools or something and went 'oh great! helpers! heres what we need done today...' if that was not their intention, and they were just having a look around, then they would soon push off sharpish. failing that, just get on with your work, and leave them sitting on paint tins or something. if they say anything, just let them know they picked a busy day to come visiting and neither of you have time today.

if they know that anyone who turns up will get roped in to help they might be less keen.
it does sound though like your Father in Law was there to help - particularly on the second day - and if your husband gave him a key, then you need to talk to him about it, not your inlaws.

hope the renovations go well for you.

LegacyUser

Not sure about the mother in law but the father in law certainly sounds like he's just trying
to help out. Which is a pretty normal thing that parents want to do.
So i think no matter how nicely you say it to them they would be slighly offended.

Sounds like the OP dosent have a great relationship with the Inlaws.
Also i think its a bit unfair puting pressure on the poor husband to tell them.
Im sure the OP would not like her husband putting pressure on her to tell her family they're not welcome to help at thier new house.

dan_d

To be honest that would annoy the hell out of me.

Part of me would think "they're just being helpful". But a bigger part of me would think "okay, this is really annoying, can they not see that we are really, really busy? If it was me, I would not do this to them".

And the Dad having the key...nope. I'd nip that in the bud pretty quick, because the next thing you know, they'd all have keys and be dropping in and out as they pleased.

Look, that's just me. But you need to have a chat with your husband. I know people are saying you're over-reacting, but I've been in the position where I work really really long weeks, I'm looking forward to my weekend to try and get stuff done, that I can't during the week, or to have a good run at even just cleaning the house - and I end up spending my weekend entertaining a trail of visitors "just dropping by". It's incredibly annoying...one weekend maybe, but every other weekend, no. My OH's parents call at the most inconvenient times, it's incredible, "just dropping in for a cup of tea!". And I know I'm being stupid to feel like this, but it feels like you never get a second to yourself, and you have to keep stopping and starting what you're doing.

So yeah, I'd have a chat with your husband. Explain you're feeling over-whelmed. They have all now seen the house, so that's it...you're going to be busy the next few weeks, would they mind just sending a text to let you know if they'd like to visit. And the Dad is being helpful, but you've a team of workmen there and everything is taken care of....you'll give him a shout if you need a hand, but you don't want him giving up all his free time to work on your house when you're well able to do it.

Unfortunately lines have to be drawn and it's not pleasant having to do it.

John Mason

have to say,i agree with Dan.

Our parents, text or phone first to see if it is okay to call over - what happens if you are having a bit of afternoon delight and they turn up - especially as they have a key:eek:

Talk to your husband and get some rules in place or else this will turn in to a major issue, and your husband will have to choose you or his family

Mulan

Complete over reaction here. This is just the start of a big project the interest will die down so Go easy! Nothing will be done over night , believe me. Its going to take a long time.
Drawing lines and laying down the rules. My god are we talking about family here or a new dog for the new house.

Thats a very sad way to treat your parents.

Do some people really dislike their folks and inlaws that much.
Did we have to make an apointment to go home when we were young.
Try to be nice its might be easier

Lets not get carried away with ourselves and our afternoon delights.

Some peoples bubbles are really scary

cafecolour

over-reacting? wrote: »

The next day we went back to the house and I said I was looking forward to a "just us day" and when we pulled up, there was the dad again in OUR house doing stuff! He must have taken my hubbies key!

I'm a bit mystified by this. Are you saying your FIL took your husband's key without your husband knowing, and came to work? Or did your husband give it to him?

If it's the later, you are def overreacting - your FIL is helping out (on a project you are under pressure for).

If it's the former, there are def some boundary issues - you don't want them showing up without you realizing it.

curlzy

Hey OP,

My parents sound like your inlaws, pure 'salt of the earth', 'how can we help?' kinda folk. While my parents are lovely and have helped us out no end they don't have a key and they wouldn't dream of calling down unannounced!!!

Like I recently moved and my mam and dad and brother came down with their cars and we moved in about 3 hours, great stuff altogether but with any positive there's a negative. I find my parents would get carried away, especially my mam, cleans my house when she comes over to feed the cats:rolleyes: anyway it really will get outta hand if a heart to heart doesn't happen between your OH and his parents. You know a wee chat, I had one with my mam when it was getting a bit mad, she changed sheets that were put fresh on the bed that day by me!!! sorry side tracked there.

Anyway, you can say it in a nice way, just like we're really grateful that you're there to help us out but we want the place to ourselves for a while, new home and all that, we'll have you over for dinner as soon as we're settled. He would obviously need to tailor that to his parents but if their hearts really are in the right place (and it sounds like they are) then they'll give you some space.

Best of luck:)

John Mason

Mulan wrote: »

Do some people really dislike their folks and inlaws that much.
Did we have to make an apointment to go home when we were young.

personally i wouldnt turn up in my parents house with phoning first - its really rude

Mulan wrote: »

Lets not get carried away with ourselves and our afternoon delights

you cant beat a bit of delight on sofa

xzanti

I don't think your over reacting at all.. I'm a very private person, I don't like people coming and going as they please.. Don't get me wrong I love to have family over visiting.. But on my terms, like a planned visit on a Sunday afternoon or something.. so I can have the place in order and put together a nice tea or whatever for them..

My partner is the total opposite though, he has more an 'open door' attitude.. We actually had a bit of conflict about it when we moved in together, but he gets it now.. We live right beside his parents house so I felt I should put the foot down asap and it's worked out fine, so far..

We have a baby on the way in a few weeks so I'm just hoping it stays this way

Overheal

over-reacting? wrote: »

I'm wondering if anybody could tell me if I am being un reasonable in my situation.


Basically, my hubby and I are in the process of moving to an old house which needs alot of work done to it. When we both had the same day off, we decided to get stuck into it. His mother decides to call down with his dad. She then leaves, leaving his father. She then came back with her brother her sister and husband and her own father. Now, it wasnt as if these were quick five minute visits, I mean they knew we were under alot of pressure getting things done. We had work men in and out all that day, we basically have a building site at the moment.


To me, they were in the way. I said it to my husband that I didn't think it was fair that firstly, we were not consulted about this and that his mother was marching everyone in and about like it was her house and secondly we weren't even consulted as to whether it was ok for everyone to come down! His answer was, " well, I can't say anything! Everyone works during the week so thats probably why they came down and I can't exactly say no to them coming in"!



The next day we went back to the house and I said I was looking forward to a "just us day" and when we pulled up, there was the dad again in OUR house doing stuff! He must have taken my hubbies key!



Am I over reacting and being un reasonable and what should I do to get out of this situation!!!!



Thanks in advance!

Well what "stuff" was he "doing"? And what did She do when she brought everyone over? Were they off drinking your tea and putting their feet up or were they trying to be useful in putting the house into order and giving you what is traditionally considered House Warming? Albeit impromptu.

Had you tried telling them you want no visitors for the rest of the week, etc?

LegacyUser

I'd very much be coming from the angle that your home is your (private) castle! However, if this isn't the way that your boyfriend's family dynamic works, there is no point in getting annoyed with them / expecting him to take your side!

I'd be nice but nasty to them ... expressing exagerated shock if they just turn up ... carrying on with diy tasks while they are there because you 'have to' get it done before a plumber/electrician/whoever comes back ... and if all comes to all, as suggested recently on another thread, answering the door with a flushed look and a bit of a giggle!!

I'd defo avoid confrontational contact on this one - I'd make damn sure that his family felt uncomfortable about 'dropping in' though make it their problem, not yours!

Mulan

I wonder will people get rid of their ground rules and lines drawn when the're old and grey and in need of assistance from family.
I suppose that will be different then. me,me,me, is what comes to mind.

dan_d

Nope, but to add to my post, I'm an extremely private person.I've no problem with people visiting, but when it's weekend after weekend after weekend (and my OH is an only child:rolleyes:), it gets really annoying.

It's not selfish. I just don't live in my parent's pockets. I like some alone time with my OH, and (prior to becoming unemployed) the weekend is all we have (in fact, it hasn't changed much since I stopped working). 2 days to do all our socialising, hobbies, cleaning and entertaining in.

If you're a person who has a bit more free time during the week, then it probably suits you better. But in our case, when you're working 6am to 7pm, weekends are precious.

As for the OP, she's entitled to be a bit irritated. Parents sometimes forget that although you're their child, you are an adult, capable of running your own house. And you're entitled to have your own life and be independent. As for having a key to your house.....sorry, but no. Unless you give it to them for a reason, then no. People have very good intentions when it comes to new houses and new babies but sometimes it's too much. It's not that you don't appreciate your help, but you'd also appreciate if they knew when to go home - which many people don't, surprisingly.

Anyway, in the OP's case, hopefully all the fuss will die down now that everyone has seen it. If there's workmen there, then let them away at what they're doing. It might sounds selfish, but I understand the OP's predicament and it's not a nice one to be in.

LegacyUser

OP, this needs to be nipped in the bud if it continues. People may say you are over reacting but everybody has their own level of privacy and boundaries and you need to make these clear in the nicest way possible as soon as possible.

I was in a very similar situation. Working on the house and the boyfriend's parents, siblings, parents bringing neighbours in for a nose, etc nearly drove me demented! But the real issue was that it didn't stop once the work was finished and we had moved in. They walked in the door without even knocking. One night I was just out of the shower and was wearing only my dressing gown. His father walked in the back door which faces directly onto the end of the sofa, which I was panned out on with one leg at an angle if you know what I mean! For good luck, the back has french doors with a curtain so I THINK I managed to make myself decent before he got past the curtain. This was about 11.30pm btw. Another time, his mother walked in while we were in the middle of a row. Trying to be polite and welcoming is almost impossible in those circumstances. Again it was almost midnight. And a third was when I was upstairs in bed dying with a throat and chest infection, heard the door opening in the middle of the afternoon, came downstairs to his mother and a couple of neighbours whom I had never even met wanting to have a look around. These are just a couple of examples. I was unfortunate that my boyfriend had no qualms about it whatsoever. He even caused rows over my locking the door because he was working outside sometimes and didn't want to have to use his key. His family have always lived in each other's pockets and he claimed I was overreacting and I eventually just had to keep my mouth shut. It was at the point where I had to ensure that I was fully dressed, presentable, etc at all times. I have since broken up with him, not because of this, but it was one sign that we had very different ideas about what was acceptable and also his complete lack of understanding or support should have been a warning sign. I just wish I had put my foot down while the works were being carried out and maybe I wouldn't have had to endure the rest.

Make sure that your OH knows how you feel about this. Tell him that you appreciate any help that his parents give you both but you would just appreciate a little notice when people are calling. It does sound like he was caught on the hop the first time this happened so hopefully he will listen to you. If you establish ground rules now, hopefully it will not continue. You are not over-reacting at all! You are entitled to your own opinion as to what is or is not acceptable in this situation.