How do you cope without sex?

LegacyUser

Hi
Sorry I know theres been lots of threads like this but I have to get this out of me.
Im a man in my early 30s and Ive been single for nearly 4yrs now and the lack of sex/intimacy is starting to get to me. I read on another thread somebody was bemoaning the fact that they had been single for 3 months!! That really brought it home to me how long I've gone without. Up until now it would only bother me ocassionally but in the last few months its been getting worse and worse. And its not just about the sex, its about having somebody to talk to or to share things with. I ran the marathon on monday, it was my first one and it was a big ordeal. I did good but when I got to the finish it was a kind of lonely experience, I was surrounded by couples and families, everybody seemed to have somebody there to support them and to celebrate their achievement with. I felt really kind of low and just wanted to get out of there. This brought my situation into stark reality for me, it wouldve been really nice to have somebody to tell my marathon story to.
Im caught in a bit of a difficult situation in that my friends are all married or in long term relationships and so I dont get to see them at all. So its hard to get out there to socialise because I have nobody to socialise with.
I feel a bit needy and pathetic writing this but its becoming a bit of a problem and Im at a loss as to how to go about solving my dilemma. Im in a club but all the women I fancied are long since taken. I wouldnt try internet dating, no offense to anybody who has tried it but I just dont think Id be suited to it.
I suppose my question is to any long term single people, how do you cope? How do you keep your spirits up, especially when everywhere you look or go youre surrounded by couples to remind you of what you dont have?

LegacyUser

Hi OP

First of all well done. Completing a marathon is a huge achievement and you should be very proud of yourself for that.
I myself have been single for a long time. I haven't had sex in nearly 6 years! :eek
Some times are worse than others and I would love to be in a relationship but I'm not beating myself up over it. The way I cope is I have a really busy life. I am a student with part time work. I have loads of interests that I pursue. Running, writing, making stuff.
I have a loving family that I spend time with and meet friends for this and that.

I think you need to widen your social circle and meet like minded people first, before you pursue a girl. You might just be a bit needy at the moment and this would turn women off.
You must be into running to finish a marathon, so maybe you could join a running club?
They seem to be great places for meeting men and women and regularly have races. It seems to be a very social activity.
Don't put pressure on yourself to meet anyone. Work on yourself first and you will be in a better position for a girl.

Good luck

thefeatheredcat

as someone who has been single for quite a long time (not by choice or lack of effort) it is hard but adaptable with a more positive perception.

You should be proud that you ran the marathon! It is difficult when you achieve something but nobody to express it to, which is why perhaps if you have siblings and parents, to turn to them and share these things. They will be happy for you and gives you the opportunity to invite them into these celebrations, as well as very close friends.

The reason I've always put down that has always strengthened me is that some people can't accomplish anything without a support team... You've shown great courage in doing something for yourself by yourself, and you got yourself to the finish line, with only completing it in mind for your own objective. If most of those running in the marathon didn't have someone there to meet them at the end and tell them how great they were, most wouldn't bother, for fear of being alone/thinking less of themselves/not having someone to share their achievement with.
And I say that for social situations as well - when I do go to events I often see the bored friend/girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse in tow with the person going to the event or be there for moral support and with some people I've met, the person themselves would never have gone on their own if they hadn't talked/twisted an arm/cut a deal to get their moral supportive other half with them, for the pure fear of showing up alone in something that is their own interest and in the need of dependence.

When I see couples and families I smile, and wish them happiness especially if they're actually appreciating eachother. It makes it a lot easier on the soul and more fulfilling to view it that way than to give into negative feelings of 'why not me' or 'when will i have that'.

With not having someone to experience intimacy with, I trade in for giving kindness, care and affection to those in need and being generous with my time, energy and efforts to a certain degree at least. Like petting a dog or cat, looking after them, or helping other people out with things in life, being the supportive sister, on hand to help out. It doesn't fix the lack of affection and intimacy really, but it does give a fulfilment that not having a significant other isn't such a big deal.

Concentrate your efforts in focusing yourself on yourself and your life, and fulfilling your life outside of intimacy, love, relationships and sex, because when you're in a relationship, married with kids, your priorities change and maybe some of those things that you wanted to fulfil in life before hand are out of reach by responsibilities.

It may be lonely being single, and yes at times it's hard to keep spirits up, but you can find things in life that can give you a greater appreciation of life and give greater comfort in the meantime by fulfilling and enriching your life in other ways and pursing your own interests, goals and objectives, career path, but not to get tunnel vision without enjoying life too. Life is a surprise, don't forget so enjoy the journey

Distorted

hard_to_take wrote: »

Hi
I ran the marathon on monday, it was my first one and it was a big ordeal. I did good but when I got to the finish it was a kind of lonely experience, I was surrounded by couples and families, everybody seemed to have somebody there to support them and to celebrate their achievement with. I felt really kind of low and just wanted to get out of there. This brought my situation into stark reality for me, it wouldve been really nice to have somebody to tell my marathon story to.

I was going to suggest taking up running! Anyway, part of the way your'e feeling might be down to taking so much out of yourself during the marathon, so don't feel so down as this is far more than most people ever do in their lives.

Maybe the way you're approaching things isn't doing you any favours? Why did you want to rush away from the marathon instead of chatting to your fellow runners? And then you might see them at another race and so on? Increasing your social circle means increasing your chances of meeting someone you like.

You can only join what clubs are available to you locally. In my running club, most of the women are with someone, but there are a few single women. One in particular I can think of sounds a bit like you -she's lovely looking, quite a gentle personality, divorced, but she has just given up on meeting anyone else and never really makes any effort to do so, as in talking to someone. And are you realistic in the women you're attracted to (being a bit faceitious but your'e not 40 and looking for a 20 year old model or similar lol?). I also know quite a few single men in my running club who just don't seem to be interested in women, turn down invitations to social events, etc, and its obvious why they're single.

I know Serpentine Running Club in London is pretty much regarded by some as dating agency! But in general from what I see of my friends who are runners, they are generally snapped up pretty quickly because they're nice and slim and fit and healthy and look quite good, and aren't the type to be sitting at home moaning they're bored.

Also theres a bit of a contradiction in your post that I don't know if you noticed. Your title talks about doing without sex and your post talks about envying people with family to support them. What do you want?

Also, another thought? What about warm weather training camps, where you'll meet a whole new circle of people and get good training done too?

Partizan

It's tough for us lads out there in our early 30s who are still single. Most of my friends like you OP have settled, i.e. married with kids and relationships and with the exception of 1 or 2, I feel kind of left out. In my 20s my priorities in life were totally different. I played hard, partied hard. While in Uni I threw caution to the wind, went out, had a had blast with mates, had one nighters all over the shop. I was too immature to settle into anything approaching a steady relationship. I just loved being single. In my 3rd year in College, I spent it in Eastern Europe and the White God factor kicked in However after a few months acting a Jack the Lad, amazingly I matured and settled into a relationship with a local girl with lasted about 9 months.

I graduated in 2005, moved to Dublin the following year and met another girl whom I stayed with for 2 years before we broke up. I was devastated but moved on and reverted to the single life. Last year I went to Russia on holidays and met a girl there. Since then it has been on and off with her and recently spent the holiday together. Right now I am at a stage where I need to decide whether or not to take the plunge. One part of me likes the single life but another tells me to settle down. There are times that I feel great but others when I feel very lonely and depressed and longing to share my life with someone to experience the intimacy. I live alone and sometimes it can be unsettling to come home and find no one to say "how was your day dear?" and get the hug and snuggle afterwards. Of course you need time to yourself but us men were not built for living a solitary life. We need someone to share it with.

OP, dont give up man. You have completed the marathon which is a major achievement, something that I have never managed to do. I envy you there. You have a positive frame of mind and you achieved a goal. This will stand to you in no time. Be positive and stay positive. Maybe as a previous poster said, join a club or take up a pastime. This will increase your number of friends and in doing so increase your prospects of finding someone. Keep your mind and body ocuppied. Thats all I can say right now but hey the best thing about this place is that we can all sit down and share any little problems and concerns that we might have. Getting it off our chests can make life easier. Hey, I feel better already.

LegacyUser

Distorted wrote: »

Maybe the way you're approaching things isn't doing you any favours? Why did you want to rush away from the marathon instead of chatting to your fellow runners? And then you might see them at another race and so on? Increasing your social circle means increasing your chances of meeting someone you like.

You can only join what clubs are available to you locally. In my running club, most of the women are with someone, but there are a few single women. One in particular I can think of sounds a bit like you -she's lovely looking, quite a gentle personality, divorced, but she has just given up on meeting anyone else and never really makes any effort to do so, as in talking to someone. And are you realistic in the women you're attracted to (being a bit faceitious but your'e not 40 and looking for a 20 year old model or similar lol?). I also know quite a few single men in my running club who just don't seem to be interested in women, turn down invitations to social events, etc, and its obvious why they're single.

Also theres a bit of a contradiction in your post that I don't know if you noticed. Your title talks about doing without sex and your post talks about envying people with family to support them. What do you want?

Thanks Distorted, theres some good advice in there. I did chat to some runners after but there were no women finishing at the same time as I did. And the guys I did talk to are hardcore runners, no interest in hanging out or socialising after. Or at least they all seemed to have family and friends waiting for them. I did make an effort but it was a non starter. Its the same in the running club Im in. There are seperate groups for people at different levels and again, unfortunately there are no women in the group Im in. Its composed of married men 10 years or more older than me. Anytime theres a club do or social event the guys in my group have no interest in going and I dont know anybody else in the club so I would have to go on my own. Which I wouldnt mind but the problem there is that everybody else goes in their own respective groups and I do end up on my own anyway. Ive tried this a few times and its no fun, bit of a clique in the club. Maybe I joined the wrong club and its different everywhere else? Having said that there is one girl I like who I know is single but I have had no opportunity to even talk to her. As I said, everybody sticks to their own respective groups.
As for the contradiction of saying its about sex but also saying its about having family/friends, I did say in my original post that its not just about sex, its about having somebody to share things with. Sometimes it feels like nobody even knows Im alive. I dont have the family either, that imploded years ago, everybody went their own seperate ways, for good reasons too. So that ship has sailed and unfortunatley its not coming back.

Milli vnilli, you mentioned being needy might be turning women off at the moment, I agree, neediness is repelent, but im fairly sure I'm not needy. I know I did say in my post that I feel a bit needy, but I meant right at that moment, I was still a bit emotional after the marathon I think! Most of the time Im not, Im ok.
My problem, isnt really to do with coming across as needy or desperate or anything else. My problem is opportunity or lack there of. Lookswise Im happy enough with myself, anytime I have gone out on the town I have been approached by women, but as I said before, my friends are all so busy with their own families/lives that nights out have become a thing of the past.
I just worry as about the effects lack of sex/intimacy or having somebody to share my life with has. What I mean by that is I know guys about 15 years older than me who are single and they seem pretty beat up, unhappy. Theres one chap in particular I see around and he seems to have gone a bit loopey, he seems like a very sad guy driven mad by loneliness. I could be projecting here but I just wonder if being on my own for so long has some sort of adverse effect on a persons personality? I have noticed a bit of bitterness creeping into my general attitude and this worries me, nothing more off putting than bitterness

Thanks aswell to therfeatheredcat, that was a really nice response and I think you're bang on in what you said about changing your perception in order to change how you feel about something. It can be difficult to constantly do this do though, not saying it doesnt work, just saying it can be hard work!

weatherguy

I too have been single for some time. I would love to have that special person, the intimacy, the sex, the partnership, the friendship.
But I've concluded that being single in Ireland is frowned upon once you hit your mid30s or older.
Those that frown upon us are either married or in long term relationships.
There is nothing you can do about it without resorting to having regular sex with escort girls.
As for meeting that special person? I've given up.
I sick and tired of married guys telling me that marriage is not all its cracked up to be. I tell them to let me find out for myself. And I suggest to them they might like to spend a year living alone and then tell me which type of lifestyle they would prefer.
Unfortuantely, most marrieds, families and friends couldn't care less about single people.
They assume, wrongly, that we all have a great time.

Remember they are not worth knowing if they don't involve you in their lives, make an effort for you and ask you about your lifestyle. If they merely meet you on their terms, drop them.

Something will occur in their own little lives that will necessitate them contacting you for support. And then you can ask them why they are contacting you.

I would even suggest emigrating if you can afford to do it. Moving away is always an alternative. For me I'm stuck in negative equity, otherwise I'd be gone two years.

I am sorry to read your depressing story, but it is one that applies to thousands of guys and girls throughout the country. Yes, by all means join clubs, etc but I personally don't think they will improve your chances of meeting a girl.

I believe once you reach a particular age your chances of meeting that special lady diminish greatly. You have as much chance of meeting a special lady walking down the street as you have if you join a club.

Chin up.

LegacyUser

Seriously, being single is not that bad!! COme on guys, chin up, seriously. If you are that miserable, no girl is going to want to be with you!!!

Weahterguy
"Unfortuantely, most marrieds, families and friends couldn't care less about single people.
They assume, wrongly, that we all have a great time."
If you are moaning to your single friends all the time, then they probably don't care less.

Don't get me wrong. I'm a single female, 30 and do get down about it from time to time, and do feel left behind by my coupled up friends, and would love to meet that special person, but on the other hand, I really really believe that I owe it to myself (and Ireland in a weird way) to make the most of being single and in my 30s, cos not many people get to experience this, and there is lots and lots of advantages...that said I still want to meet the right person when the time is right.

The title attracted me to the post....how to cope without sex....but the thread is not really about that at all is it? It's just about being single and lonely in your 30s....which is not nice I agree, but back to the original question....how to cope without sex??! It's bloody hard (and I'm female). Sometimes I think I want sex more than a partner, and I was never like that in my 20s, I was a bit prudish to be honest. I'm not a one night stand sort of girl (although I think I may end up veering that way as my 30s progress the way they are going....) so it is really tough for us girls too. You are not the only ones with human urges.

Although as men, surely it's not that hard to get your urges looked after, there are plenty of girls out there more than happy to sort out your needs I'm sure (and I'm not talking about the ones you have to pay for). All of my single friends are mad keen to meet nice, sensitive guys who aren't just out for one thing, so where do they hang out? Are you all just sitting in moping around, complaining about being single, or are you out there making the most of your singledom....cos that's what we're doing, but we only ever seem to meet the sleazeballs out for one thing!! ;-)

And one other thing, you think it's hard being a single man in his 30s....add to that a ticking biological clock (my one is luckily pretty silent these days, but I know lots of girls with a loud one) and add that to your desperation....not nice!!!

kjl

OK, I'm only just 30 and single, but not bothered by it at all. Why is it you think there is nobody out there. There are hundreds of girls in similar situations. OP all you have to do is open your eyes. You say that the girls you like in clubs are well gone, are you sure you are not just telling yourself that. Now in fairness, I am in college again, but really I don't find it hard to meet girls in clubs at all. Just start chatting to a few and see how it goes.

Just to let you know, when women are past 30 and single, that's when the man is in charge

Fittle

Ok, so before I offer my advice I need to say that you think it's difficult being a single man in your 30s in Ireland??? (weatherguy) - you should seriously try being being a single woman in your 40s with an 8yr old in bed at 8.30pm every night so you CAN'T get out even if you wanted to grrrrrr!!

Sorry, I digress OP, but they were my initial thoughts reading your thread. I've had those moments - haven't run a marathon - but those moments when all around you are getting a hug or a kiss for some achievement, and you're there, with your sister, or a friend...it kills me.

I don't know if I have any advice for you OP - and my first paragraph certainly wasn't intended on undermining your own problem. I suppose I'm trying to say you CAN get out - internet dating isn't that bad - I've tried it and it's a very easy way to meet people. I'm pretty normal (well, I think I am!) and there are many others like me online who aren't weirdos trying online dating. Don't knock it till you try it...seriously, you might be lucky.

As a woman who can't get out without previously arranging a sitter etc etc, I imagine that the grass is so much greener, and that if I didn't have a kid, I'd be out anywhere and everywhere meeting people. I'm not desperate or needy either but somehow, actually 'wanting' someone in your life is frowned upon (in ireland anyway) and is seen as a negative. When the reality is we all need someone - someone to give us a hug when we finish a marathon (well done on that btw:D - massive achievement!), someone to chat to about our miserable day in work etc. So perhaps join more clubs - get out there a bit more and in time, it will happen for you.

Best of luck OP.

Distorted

hard_to_take wrote: »

Thanks Distorted, theres some good advice in there. I did chat to some runners after but there were no women finishing at the same time as I did. And the guys I did talk to are hardcore runners, no interest in hanging out or socialising after. Or at least they all seemed to have family and friends waiting for them. I did make an effort but it was a non starter. Its the same in the running club Im in. There are seperate groups for people at different levels and again, unfortunately there are no women in the group Im in. Its composed of married men 10 years or more older than me. Anytime theres a club do or social event the guys in my group have no interest in going and I dont know anybody else in the club so I would have to go on my own. Which I wouldnt mind but the problem there is that everybody else goes in their own respective groups and I do end up on my own anyway. Ive tried this a few times and its no fun, bit of a clique in the club. Maybe I joined the wrong club and its different everywhere else? Having said that there is one girl I like who I know is single but I have had no opportunity to even talk to her. As I said, everybody sticks to their own respective groups.
As for the contradiction of saying its about sex but also saying its about having family/friends, I did say in my original post that its not just about sex, its about having somebody to share things with. Sometimes it feels like nobody even knows Im alive. I dont have the family either, that imploded years ago, everybody went their own seperate ways, for good reasons too. So that ship has sailed and unfortunatley its not coming back.

OP you must be fairly speedy then. But do you do 10ks and shorter races as well? There are more women at them and less of a time gap in them finishing. Also I've met plenty of male vet marathon runners and while I really respect what they do and generally find all running talk fascinating, they have to be the most dull group of runners out there, so what you say with regards to socialising doesn't surprise me. (And can it be that great for you to train with them for longer distances when you are younger?).

Re that single girl in your running club you like? If I were you, I'd do something to meet her a few times and get into conversation with her. I've done it in order to meet a guy and it worked!

I wonder if you're a bit down because of your own previous family situation and seeing things as blacker than they actually are? Sounds like you actually have quite a lot going for you and if you put in just a little more "tactical effort", it will only be a matter of time before you meet someone special.

My advice to you is:
Join this running site: www.fetcheveryone.com
Get ye to the track, where runners from various different clubs will be training
Get ye on a warm weather training trip
Do cross country races in the winter and strike up brief conversations with female runners on their own
Don't be afraid to go to running socials on your own

LegacyUser

Hard_To_Take, your marathon story really got to me! As someone who has just joined a running club (having given up the cigs - just one of the toxic things I have gotten rid of lately) and dreams of eventually doing a marathon, I know what a huge achievement it is and the image of you coming through the finish line without any congratulatory cuddles (and the fireworks and champagne I would be hoping for ) is heartbreaking!

I am a 28 year old woman and have recently ended a long term relationship. To be honest, it was completely toxic and I should have ended it ages ago but didn't, due to a combination of fear of rocking the boat in our coupled up / newlywed social circle, probably a little afraid of being single and pure lack of balls. I actually got over the relationship long before it ended. All I feel now is a sense of freedom and pure relief that I won't have to take any more of his abuse. Along with that, he was completely unaffectionate, dismissed all of my interests, was completely unsupportive and didn't seem to understand the concept of just having a giggle.

I am nervous that I might never find somebody that I really click with. I'm attractive supposedly - I've always had guys approaching me saying that they nearly didn't approach me because they were intimidated. Hah! If only they knew the knocks my self-esteem has taken in recent years. But I don't want to meet somebody in a pub or club who doesn't give a damn whether or not I have two brain cells to rub together. And, like you, all of my friends are coupled up (I'm bridesmaid for BOTH of my closest friends next year) so the single social scene isn't really an option anyway. Not to mention the fact that the vast majority of my friends are his friends too. I also wouldn't suit the internet dating scene either. So I know being single isn't always easy. The only thing I can say is that the only thing worse than the lack of intimacy when you're single, is a complete lack of intimacy when you are actually in a relationship, and that has been my experience up to recently. No private jokes, having a laugh together, shared interests, catching your eye across a crowded room, being made to feel special, or, in other words, the benefits of actually being in a relationship. And constantly wondering if there is anything you can do to make it better and second guessing yourself. It might sound crazy, but it's kind of nice to feel lonely sometimes when you are actually on your own and it is justified if you know what I mean. And there are thousands of people in relationships similar to the one I have come out of. Probably including some of your friends that are coupled up and that make you envious at times. The saying 'You never know what goes on behind closed doors' is so true. The conclusion I have come to, is that I would much rather be alone with at least some hope of meeting the right person, than being in a toxic or unfulfilling relationship just for the sake of not being alone.

Although I am not long term single, I really feel like I might as well have been, I was on my own so often anyway. And it is soul destroying to know that you have wasted years feeling like that. The best thing to do when you feel lonely is to just keep busy. As many have said, start another hobby, travel if at all possible, cram as many adventures and new experiences as you can into the single time you have left, because one of these days you won't be single anymore and will have responsibilities and limitations that you don't have now.

Massive congrats on completing your first marathon, and when you do the next one, get a load of us boardsies at the finish line waiting with a few armloads of booze....to replenish your carb stores of course!

Emme

Stop running so fast and somebody might catch you! Seriously OP, there are lots of people in your situation. Imagine being a woman in your late 30s and despite best efforts being unable to meet someone. At least men can have ONSs without being judged on it but if you slow down and take a look around you should find lots of women who'd love to be with someone like you.

You have so much going for you - you're fit and in good shape. You look after yourself so no mad drinking sessions. I'm into fitness myself but for some reason most of the guys I meet are heavy drinkers or turn out to be that way after a few dates. Like the one who told me he was into running and fitness when we first met, then a few dates in turned out to be a chain smoker who drank about 10 pints on a night out, and got nasty when drunk! :mad: Another thing, heavy drinkers can't (ahem) function.:rolleyes:

I've given up (the closest I get to hot sex these days is when I put a new set of batteries in the rabbit ) but as a woman in my late 30s I don't have the same options to meet someone and I'm nowhere near as eligible as a guy in his early 30s.

Good luck OP.

LegacyUser

weatherguy wrote: »

I am sorry to read your depressing story, but it is one that applies to thousands of guys and girls throughout the country. Yes, by all means join clubs, etc but I personally don't think they will improve your chances of meeting a girl.

I believe once you reach a particular age your chances of meeting that special lady diminish greatly. You have as much chance of meeting a special lady walking down the street as you have if you join a club.

Chin up.

I joined a club a few years back - have ended up with a few members, went out with two and even though they didn't work out, I have made some great friends.

Clubs aren't that cliquey if you know how to work them. Granted, you'll encounter groups of old friends but there are always new people joining them.


I'm nearly 40 and I haven't lost hope - I meet plenty of women, just haven't met the right one

Emme

dontagrreeewiththat wrote: »

Clubs aren't that cliquey if you know how to work them. Granted, you'll encounter groups of old friends but there are always new people joining them.

I find that clubs where most members are in their mid-thirties up welcome men more than women. I joined one club and some of the other women were downright rude to me, saying things like "I wish more men would join this club, we have more than enough women!" It wasn't a dating club, more an activity club, but the members were treating it as a dating club. Any new man that joined was pounced on like he was a piece of carrion in the desert while new women were frozen out. I got bored and left.

dontagrreeewiththat wrote: »

I'm nearly 40 and I haven't lost hope - I meet plenty of women, just haven't met the right one

You'll continue to meet plenty of women and there's no rush for men when it comes to finding the right one. As I said, it's easier for men from age 30 onwards than for women. And when it comes to sex, you don't get judged by the double standard if you have a few drinks too many and end up falling into bed with somebody in a moment of weakness.

ongarboy

I know it might sound a cliche, but "singles nights" are organised from time to time and would primarily be attended by those in your exact situation. Singletons with most friends already attached and finding it difficult or having been unlucky in meeting other halves through conventional means. Why not search google.ie to see if there are any upcoming events in your area or come to a city for a weekend where there might be one on if there are none locally. I've read that at recent such events, they are always over subscribed by females so you would be at an advantage! Even if there was no chemistry, perhaps you could use the opportunity to make new friends (both male and female) who have been going through something similar?

BTW, I thought thefeatheredcat's post was the nicest most positive thing I've read in a long time and everyone (singletons and attached folks) could benefit from applying some of the suggestions/outlooks that were mentioned

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
Yeah the marathon is a great achievement. I know what it's like. I did a few triathlons a few years back(before they were cool) and noone gave a **** whether I finished or not. REally empty. I then made sure I could support peoples achievements when I could and in fact made sure I was at the finish line to see my sister finish when she did the marathon which I know she appreciated.

As far as being single goes, I crave company, just someone who likes to do the things I do and I think the older you get the less sex, in the conventional sense, matters. For me it is all the other stuff that really holds true. Support, trust, affection and love. Obviously Sex is important but more as a means than an end if that makes sense.

I always think that sometimes you need to really put yourself out there to meet someone.I reckon 3 times in my life (31 now) have I met someone where I have been mad about and only once they've been mad about me back. I know it'll happen again.

Emme

OP, you could join Bootcamp Ireland, you're fit enough for it and there are loads of girls in it around your age of younger. Guys too, but about twice as many girls as guys.

silkworm53

Hi OP

It's easy to meet the opposite sex.
I was in a bookshop Saturday when I saw this gorgeous looking woman, went over to her, got talking, got her number and arranged to go see a movie later that evening. After the movie we went to a nightclub and finished up at her place.
You just have to put yourself out there and meet people.

hard_to_take wrote: »

Hi

Sorry I know theres been lots of threads like this but I have to get this out of me.

First of all your introduction shows you are ashamed. There is nothing to be embarrased about. Don't be ashamed!

Im a man in my early 30s and Ive been single for nearly 4yrs now and the lack of sex/intimacy is starting to get to me. I read on another thread somebody was bemoaning the fact that they had been single for 3 months!!

You are comparing yourself to other people. That's a major root of your problem.

That really brought it home to me how long I've gone without. Up until now it would only bother me ocassionally but in the last few months its been getting worse and worse. And its not just about the sex, its about having somebody to talk to or to share things with. I ran the marathon on monday, it was my first one and it was a big ordeal. I did good but when I got to the finish it was a kind of lonely experience, I was surrounded by couples and families, everybody seemed to have somebody there to support them and to celebrate their achievement with. I felt really kind of low and just wanted to get out of there.

You are a competitive guy - you are an athlete after all - but when it comes to romance, love and the opposite sex there isn't a hurry or a race. There is someone for everyone but you are in a rush and that anxiety is picked up by women and puts them off. Meeting a man is often daunting for a woman so when she sees a man is anxious like you are it gives her the option of backing out of there. By relaxing and being friendly open and hopeful rather than apprehensive you will have more of a chance.

This brought my situation into stark reality for me, it wouldve been really nice to have somebody to tell my marathon story to.
Im caught in a bit of a difficult situation in that my friends are all married or in long term relationships and so I dont get to see them at all. So its hard to get out there to socialise because I have nobody to socialise with.

Instead of having the mindset that you are in a room of strangers who will rip you apart like a pack of wolves. Instead you need to start thinking about the opportunities. You are in your early thirties which means there is a wide range of women who attracted to men of your age - girls who are 19 and housewives who are 50. You are at the height of your powers. Start thinking of the maybes - maybe that friendly women who smiled at you on the bus or the train or who passed you in the supermarket is checking you out and would love if a man started talking to her? You are able to run marathons so you surely have a reasonable physique?

I feel a bit needy and pathetic writing this but its becoming a bit of a problem and Im at a loss as to how to go about solving my dilemma. Im in a club but all the women I fancied are long since taken. I wouldnt try internet dating, no offense to anybody who has tried it but I just dont think Id be suited to it.

Do you know for a fact that the women are all taken or are you saying that to yourself to justify not going over and talking? A woman you like could be in a group of men and women who could be just friends. The men you think are her husband or boyfriend might not be at all. The only way of knowing for sure is to start a conversation. And if they are taken. So what? Move on and talk to some other women.

I suppose my question is to any long term single people, how do you cope? How do you keep your spirits up, especially when everywhere you look or go youre surrounded by couples to remind you of what you dont have?

You don't need help from long term single people who are not having sex or not being successful with the opposite sex - they have the same problem as you and they are also 'stuck' and don't know what to do about it.
Instead you need to seek help from people who are no longer single or single people who regularly have sex and find out how they do what they do!
Why not actually go over to a guy you see is good with the ladies and ask him how he does it?
Your last question says it all - you are comparing yourself to other people.
You will never be happy as long as you do that.
You need to make your own happiness by being proactive and by putting yourself about.
When an attractive women comes along - don't hesitate - just go over to her chat her up. She might not be interested but she could well be delighted you are giving her attention. Take a chance, get her number and met her for a drink or to see a movie or go to an art gallery or Star Trek convention or whatever.
You are too afraid of rejection, too afraid of fecking things up and too afraid to do anything.
The best way to get over that fear is to confront it dead on.
You can run a marathon, you can burst through the pain barrier and get over the finish line.
This is precisely the same.
I hope I was of some help to you.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Aww Jeez thanks everybody, you're all aces with me. Your posts have definitley lifted my spirits.

it's not that bad!! wrote: »

Although as men, surely it's not that hard to get your urges looked after, there are plenty of girls out there more than happy to sort out your needs I'm sure (and I'm not talking about the ones you have to pay for).

Hey thanks for your reply but Im not sure what you mean by this??? Where are these girls who are more than willing to sort out my sexual urges? I admit that I can be a bit niave when it comes to this kind of thing, but are you talking about NSA? I wouldnt be into it to be honest. Sure Id like a bit of bobs your uncle, but I wouldnt want to just get my rocks off with a stranger. No offense to anybody who does that sort of thing but for me it would leave me feeling a bit cold and empty.

it's not that bad!! wrote: »

All of my single friends are mad keen to meet nice, sensitive guys who aren't just out for one thing, so where do they hang out? Are you all just sitting in moping around, complaining about being single, or are you out there making the most of your singledom....cos that's what we're doing.

Yes you got it in one! Thats excatly what we do. In fact we started a club, didnt you know? We got special T-shirts made up and everything. We meet up, we mope, we watch a little TV, we mope a some more. Its fierce good craic altogether.

Seriously though when a guys mates get married, have kids etc, they're just not available to go out and hit the town. So its not a question of sitting around wasting opportunities, its a question of having people to go out with. You wouldnt go out on a night on the town on your own would you?

weatherguy wrote: »

As for meeting that special person? I've given up.
I sick and tired of married guys telling me that marriage is not all its cracked up to be. I tell them to let me find out for myself. And I suggest to them they might like to spend a year living alone and then tell me which type of lifestyle they would prefer.

I would even suggest emigrating if you can afford to do it. Moving away is always an alternative. For me I'm stuck in negative equity, otherwise I'd be gone two years.

I am sorry to read your depressing story, but it is one that applies to thousands of guys and girls throughout the country. Yes, by all means join clubs, etc but I personally don't think they will improve your chances of meeting a girl.

I believe once you reach a particular age your chances of meeting that special lady diminish greatly. You have as much chance of meeting a special lady walking down the street as you have if you join a club.

My God weatherguy you really need a big hug dont you. Im not really into the man-on-man embracing thing but for you I'll make an exception, C'mere ye big lug!

You're supposed to be cheering me up! I understand how you can feel so negative though. Youre right about the married guys complaining about their wives and about being married, I hear it all the time. But not one of them would have the courage to leave their wives and go it alone, not a chance. They talk a good game alright but thats all they do is talk.
Im not going to throw in the towel just yet though and I dont think you should either for the simple fact that you'll attract nobody in a negative frame of mind. Thanks for the kind words anyway.

Fittle wrote: »

I don't know if I have any advice for you OP - and my first paragraph certainly wasn't intended on undermining your own problem. I suppose I'm trying to say you CAN get out - internet dating isn't that bad - I've tried it and it's a very easy way to meet people. I'm pretty normal (well, I think I am!) and there are many others like me online who aren't weirdos trying online dating. Don't knock it till you try it...seriously, you might be lucky.

As a woman who can't get out without previously arranging a sitter etc etc, I imagine that the grass is so much greener, and that if I didn't have a kid, I'd be out anywhere and everywhere meeting people. I'm not desperate or needy either but somehow, actually 'wanting' someone in your life is frowned upon (in ireland anyway) and is seen as a negative. When the reality is we all need someone - someone to give us a hug when we finish a marathon (well done on that btw:D - massive achievement!), someone to chat to about our miserable day in work etc. So perhaps join more clubs - get out there a bit more and in time, it will happen for you.

Best of luck OP.

After reading your post Fittle I felt a little embarresed. Sometimes you think you have it tough but then hear someone elses story and your own situation pales in comparison. I can see how things would be difficult with an 8 year old to look after. And Id say in comparsion it looks like I have all the freedom in the world. I suppose its a choice really. Theres so many things Id like to do: Learn how to play the drums, piano. Learn a martial art, Become a better swimmer and lots of other things where I know Id meet people. But right now my job restricts what I can do a fair bit. I work evenings and nights and things like a martial arts club all take place in the evenings, when Im working. I dont want to give up my job, not in the current economic climate so Im caught in between a rock and a hard place. But I do appreciate what you said.

Distorted wrote: »

OP you must be fairly speedy then. But do you do 10ks and shorter races as well? There are more women at them and less of a time gap in them finishing. Also I've met plenty of male vet marathon runners and while I really respect what they do and generally find all running talk fascinating, they have to be the most dull group of runners out there, so what you say with regards to socialising doesn't surprise me. (And can it be that great for you to train with them for longer distances when you are younger?).

I was a 10k runner before I transferred over to the marathon and alas it was the same situation, no women around where Id finish. And the ones up around that level anyway are fairly hardcore, all married aswell. I really respect the runners I train with, it may not be ideal for my social life but these guys are incredible athletes and Im lucky to be in the same group as them. I could transfer over to another group where there are girls but that would be selling myself short for the sake of meeting somebody, I couldnt do that.

Distorted wrote: »

Re that single girl in your running club you like? If I were you, I'd do something to meet her a few times and get into conversation with her. I've done it in order to meet a guy and it worked!

Its an awkward one this. The group im in train at a different time to the group that this girl is in, when we're finishing, theyre only starting. So our paths dont cross, not naturally anyway. If I wanted our paths to cross Id have to manufacture a situation and Im a bit reluctant to do that. It would be a bit odd for me to just walk up to her and start talking to her wouldnt it? Youre a woman you tell me, would she not be a little weirded out by that, consdering Ive never spoken to her before? I have no problem going up to her and starting a conversation, I just want to do it in the right way and not in a way that would be off putting.

guesty1982 wrote: »

Hard_To_Take, your marathon story really got to me! As someone who has just joined a running club (having given up the cigs - just one of the toxic things I have gotten rid of lately) and dreams of eventually doing a marathon, I know what a huge achievement it is and the image of you coming through the finish line without any congratulatory cuddles (and the fireworks and champagne I would be hoping for ) is heartbreaking!

Sorry I didnt mean to depress you! Thanks for the nice words. Maybe I was just being selective in what I saw around me that day. Im sure I wasnt the only one finishing the marathon who was on their own. The race announcer did say my name when I was finishing though, which was kind of a thrill.

guesty1982 wrote: »

As many have said, start another hobby, travel if at all possible, cram as many adventures and new experiences as you can into the single time you have left, because one of these days you won't be single anymore and will have responsibilities and limitations that you don't have now.

This is true. Maybe I'll eventually turn into one of those guys weatherguy spoke about, who moan and give out about their wives and about being married. Somehow I dont think so though. Being on my own for so long now I dont think Id ever take someone for granted again.

Emme wrote: »

I find that clubs where most members are in their mid-thirties up welcome men more than women. I joined one club and some of the other women were downright rude to me, saying things like "I wish more men would join this club, we have more than enough women!" It wasn't a dating club, more an activity club, but the members were treating it as a dating club. Any new man that joined was pounced on like he was a piece of carrion in the desert while new women were frozen out. I got bored and left.
.

What was the name of that club again?

Emme wrote: »

OP, you could join Bootcamp Ireland, you're fit enough for it and there are loads of girls in it around your age of younger. Guys too, but about twice as many girls as guys.

Thanks Emme. Ive seen that group train in the phoenix park and there definitely does seem to be some lovely looking women there. But I only have one evening free per week and this is taken with up with training with the running club im in. It would be a choice of ditching the running training for the bootcamp. Maybe that'd mean Id hook up with someone but I couldnt give up the running in favour of meeting somebody, that would be selling myself out.

LegacyUser

Hey OP just to say I know how you feel, I'm a girl, 28, and recently ran a marathon as well - yup, it sucks not having that someone special at the end to give you a big hug. I too am worried that with everyone around me coupling up that I'll be left alone forever and ever and ever...Anyway, not sure how this intended to help but just to say at least you're not the only one out there feeling like this sometimes! Chin up, best foot forward (making sure you're wearing correctly fitting supportive shoes of course)

LegacyUser

hi OP. I can totally identify with your post. I'm in the same situation, in my early 30s, and have read through every post and suggestion here, but I'm too much of a cynic.

To the poster who said he met someone in a bookshop, got her number, met that night. I'm sorry but I just don't believe it. I've never, ever, been in a situation like that in Ireland, or any other country and city I've been in. It's like something you read in an American dating website, but hey, maybe I'm just too cynical.

I think the best way is through friends. I'm in a place where my friends don't have single friends I might meet, so I don't really know what to do. People say "oh, you're good looking, and you should have no problem", and "such and such is mad about you". But they never ever let it be known, as the guy is supposed to do all the work, and be able to read a woman's mind! well, I'm not able to smooth talk women, or come out with cheese chat up lines, so I'm not going to be able to do anything about it unless they meet me half way.

I suppose the running could be good for you, but I find it a solitary sport, and again, never had the occasion to meet anyone through it. I'm not into the online dating thing, as you have to be a "salesman" on there as well. If I was 23, I'd be "meh, time is on my side", but I'm in my 30s, and fear that this is my lot...
Like you, I do miss someone to shoot the breeze with, go for a coffee with, watch a film with, be intimate with.
I was out the other night, and saw a few guys in their 50s on their own, kind of sleazing over young women. I don't want to end up like that.
You live in Dublin? At least, being in a bigger city, there are more people, therefore more opportunites. I live in Limk, so it's more competitve!!

LegacyUser

hard_to_take wrote: »

Sorry I didnt mean to depress you! Thanks for the nice words. Maybe I was just being selective in what I saw around me that day. Im sure I wasnt the only one finishing the marathon who was on their own. The race announcer did say my name when I was finishing though, which was kind of a thrill.

Lol OP, you didn't depress me. I just had this vision of finishing a marathon to an anti-climax and it made me sad. We are always selective about what we see. I bet the last time you were in a relationship, you would have had lots of women to choose from? When you're single, you only see the lovey dovey couples. It's grass is greener syndrome and is pure human nature. It's difficult to focus on the positives but it can be surprising to realise what you do have if you look hard enough. That's a bit Oprah-ish for my liking but there's truth in it. Another poster told you that you're problem lies in comparing yourself to other people. We all do it. It gets easier when you try to remember that what you see may not always be the reality.

hard_to_take wrote: »

This is true. Maybe I'll eventually turn into one of those guys weatherguy spoke about, who moan and give out about their wives and about being married. Somehow I dont think so though. Being on my own for so long now I dont think Id ever take someone for granted again.

What you said here shows that at least you haven't given up hope and will be going into the next relationship with a lovely attitude.

hard_to_take wrote: »

Maybe that'd mean Id hook up with someone but I couldnt give up the running in favour of meeting somebody, that would be selling myself out.

This is probably why you are single. (And I mean that in a really good way). If you are not willing to compromise who you are and your passions, then it just means that when you do meet somebody, they will know and love you for who you really are. And IMO that is the basis of a fantastic relationship. Compromise may be extremely important in any relationship, but not when it comes to giving up the things you love or trying to change who you are. It will only lead to resentment and serious communication problems. Trust me on that because it's exactly what I did. It just takes longer to find somebody who's right for you. I am expecting to be single for a long time because I know I will never settle or sell myself out again. I guess that this is what I was trying to say in my earlier post, in one of my usual long-winded tangents! Hold out for the right person. Don't sell out for the sake of not being lonely. Being single is looking across the track at a girl you don't know how to approach, thinking "she's gorgeous". Being in a bad relationship is waking up in the morning, looking across the pillow at your girlfriend and thinking "oh god not her again". Being in a good relationship is waking up in the morning, looking across at your girlfriend, with her pillow hair, panda eyes and morning breath included and thinking, "she's gorgeous". Hold out for the third option and you'll find it eventually.

Good luck OP and keep running until somebody catches up with you.

Rockford_files

Hey this is the OP here, I created an account, easier to respond than the other way.

Guesty1982 wrote: »

I bet the last time you were in a relationship, you would have had lots of women to choose from? When you're single, you only see the lovey dovey couples. It's grass is greener syndrome and is pure human nature. Another poster told you that you're problem lies in comparing yourself to other people. We all do it. It gets easier when you try to remember that what you see may not always be the reality.

This is true. When I was with my last girlfriend it seemed like I had plenty of offers elsewhere. Its odd the way that happens: When youre taken other people want you, when youre single, offers are very thin on the ground. Its strange because you would think it'd be the other way around??? Yeah you're right, I have fallen into the trap of comparing myself the others, which is a fools game. You really only see the fronts people put up not what goes on behind closed doors, so in essence you compare yourself to an image not whats real. Its an easy trap to fall into though.

Guesty1982 wrote: »

This is probably why you are single. (And I mean that in a really good way). If you are not willing to compromise who you are and your passions, then it just means that when you do meet somebody, they will know and love you for who you really are. And IMO that is the basis of a fantastic relationship. Compromise may be extremely important in any relationship, but not when it comes to giving up the things you love or trying to change who you are. It will only lead to resentment and serious communication problems. Trust me on that because it's exactly what I did. It just takes longer to find somebody who's right for you. I am expecting to be single for a long time because I know I will never settle or sell myself out again. I guess that this is what I was trying to say in my earlier post, in one of my usual long-winded tangents! Hold out for the right person. Don't sell out for the sake of not being lonely. Being single is looking across the track at a girl you don't know how to approach, thinking "she's gorgeous". Being in a bad relationship is waking up in the morning, looking across the pillow at your girlfriend and thinking "oh god not her again". Being in a good relationship is waking up in the morning, looking across at your girlfriend, with her pillow hair, panda eyes and morning breath included and thinking, "she's gorgeous". Hold out for the third option and you'll find it eventually.

Good luck OP and keep running until somebody catches up with you.

Wow Guesty1982 I was blown away by what you wrote there, it was lovely, thanks. I know a bit of compromise is a good thing but I could never just give up something I love in order to fit in or to try to get a girlfriend. Maybe that'll mean I'll be single for a long while aswell, who knows. But I have to be true to myself(I think Oprah would like that one aswell)and I will.
Thanks again for what you said.

Rockford_files

iknowthefeeling wrote: »

To the poster who said he met someone in a bookshop, got her number, met that night. I'm sorry but I just don't believe it. I've never, ever, been in a situation like that in Ireland, or any other country and city I've been in. It's like something you read in an American dating website, but hey, maybe I'm just too cynical.

I dont buy it either. Not because Im cynical or anything like that but because it just wouldnt happen in this country. Maybe this is they way they roll in manhattan and its ok to just walk up to a woman you dont know and chat her up. But in Ireland if you walked up to a woman in a book store and attempted to chat her up, at best you'd be poitley fobbed off at worst you'd have security called after you.

iknowthefeeling wrote: »

I was out the other night, and saw a few guys in their 50s on their own, kind of sleazing over young women. I don't want to end up like that.

Honestly this is probably my worst nightmare, that Id end up like that. I've seen this scenario myself and it is scary to think it could happen to me. I'm determined not to let it happen though, even if I do ultimately end up on my own I wont be drunk and in a nightclub perving on the girls. I do feel some sympathy for those guys though because when it boils down to it they're just lonely people in pain.
Hang in there yourself bro.

knowhowyoufeel wrote: »

Hey OP just to say I know how you feel, I'm a girl, 28, and recently ran a marathon as well - yup, it sucks not having that someone special at the end to give you a big hug. I too am worried that with everyone around me coupling up that I'll be left alone forever and ever and ever...Anyway, not sure how this intended to help but just to say at least you're not the only one out there feeling like this sometimes! Chin up, best foot forward (making sure you're wearing correctly fitting supportive shoes of course)

Thanks. Its ok you dont have to offer words of wisdom or whatever, just hearing that Im not alone in what Im experiencing is enough. How did you get on in your marathon by the way?

silkworm53

Hi OP

I think your main problem might be that you don't know when it is appropriate to make a romantic approach to a woman and that you don't know how to turn a hello to a woman you just met or don't know into a conversation and turn that conversation into romance and sex. Because you don't know you are a afraid of looking like an idiot you don't try or have given up trying which is the source of your despair and loneliness. Guys who seem to be able to get women effortlessly seem to have a magic power that you can't figure out and this drives you even more mad with yourself.
You need to go out there and discover for yourself how to romance women.

LegacyUser

kjl wrote: »

Just to let you know, when women are past 30 and single, that's when the man is in charge

OK lol, sorry, but this is actually a big reason of why Im single. I hate these games and these self projections that people look for in relationships. I spent most of my life as an unconfident, overweight girl in the corner, always nice and would do anything to help, but easily taken advantage of, you know the type. I married at 22 because my husband had me convinced that no one would want me and I was easily convinced as this is what I thought anyway. Then, when I was 26, I woke up, kicked him out, slimmed from a size 18 to an 8, started a new career in the beauty industry (where I always wanted to work) and as my self respect grew, I gradually removed all the bad people from my life, who were only there to take advantage of the sweet side of my nature. So fast forward 3 years and Im single, 29, working in the beauty industry and hell yeah, have a cat too and well proud lol, but none of this matters cos Ive been single for over a year now so all I ever hear is 'Weirdo'

I have a best friend whos a guy and I think people just assume we're sleeping together (even though he has a girlfriend) it just seems to be easier that way and I f*cking hate it. Im single because I never meet any genuine guys, Im not going to do the pub scene, I dont really drink anymore, I dont have a wide circle of friends as I really dont suffer fools easily and I didnt grow up in this country, so childhood friends etc, I dont have that here. I dont want to go down the road of internet dating either, just not my thing, i know it works, thats where my prev mentioned best friend met his current girlfriend, but its just not for me. I would love to have a boyfriend, but I hate hate hate the whole game playing thing, and that stuuuuuuuuuuuupid expression

'You'll never get a fella acting like that'

Like, I hear the advice 'Just be yourself' everywhere, but have yet to meet a man who follows it, Im not being big headed, but I am good looking, mostly 'cos Im dressed like a painted whore most of the time lmao, but its for work and I do get attention, but its polar opposite to the attention I got before and it makes me uncomfortable. Previously, I could have sat and had a great laugh with a guy all night, nothing would happen cos he would have a great laugh with me and then pull a hot girl, and I always thought 'If only I looked like her' but now, I try and have a laugh with a guy and its like he changes personality, Im a guy girl, I appreciate the dirty humour, the laughs and the stupid carry on. Yet, on the rare occasion, I do happen to meet someone now of the opposite sex, they're not themselves, its almost like a parody of someone that they self project I want them to be and if I fall for it, the facade drops after a couple of weeks and Im left alone again, and then the guys I do like dont seem to want a girlfriend like me, Im very indpendent, finanacially and emotionally and when they realise I dont need anything from them, they seem to move onto the girls who act like they do (again, you know the type) sorry, this isnt really advice, just me ranting lol, but it just seems like out of all the couples I know, this game playing is what goes on. Some of them are cheating, others are moaning and someone mentioned earlier, its 'cos they cant go it alone & I 100% agree. Most of the couples I know, seem to be together 'cos of what the relationship provides as opposed to the person. The guys who cheat get their stability, the women who dont work have a home provided for them (not being sexist with those examples lol, they just sprang to mind) and I dont want to be in that situation. I actually think all of us who posted here should give ourselves a big massive clap on the back for being strong enough and independent enough to not have settled, not to have got bogged down in other peoples opinions of us and strong enough to ask for help as well, I feel better knowing Im not the only one, I hope the OP and everyone else does too.

Also, the dude who met that chick in the bookshop? I dont believe that either and mate, I swear, just be yourself, Im not saying that loads of girls will fall for you, but the girl who does fall for you, will..........she wont fall for the persona, she'll fall for the person and thats worth a few years of loneliness (well, it f*cking better be or we're all f*cked lol)

silkworm53

The OP doesn't need your negativity and cynicism tbh.
You have no answer except giving up, hiding away and playing with your cat.
Fine if it works for you but the OP is not fine with that.
In fact I feel more sorry for you than for him.
He recognizes what is lacking and actively wants to do something about it.
The approach you suggest is a sure fire method to scare off people you could have been romantic prospects and given you happiness.

Yes I did met a woman in a bookshop, went over to her and got talking and we went out that night. I did not put on a persona. I went over and got talking to her and we hooked up. Simple as that.

The OP needs to discover natural confidence - if he meets a lovely woman he finds himself attracted to, he should be able to go over, get to know her and ask her out. That's the social skill that he is lacking and he needs to bite the bullet and just go and talk to a women he sees and he likes and he is sure to get together with her.

magneticimpulse

kjl wrote: »

OK, I'm only just 30 and single, but not bothered by it at all. Why is it you think there is nobody out there. There are hundreds of girls in similar situations. OP all you have to do is open your eyes. You say that the girls you like in clubs are well gone, are you sure you are not just telling yourself that. Now in fairness, I am in college again, but really I don't find it hard to meet girls in clubs at all. Just start chatting to a few and see how it goes.

Just to let you know, when women are past 30 and single, that's when the man is in charge

They are in Cafe en Seine, Cafe Nova, Dakota, occasionally Dicey Reillys etc...thats where the single ladies in their 30s are at (only we keep getting mistaken for 21 year olds by 21 year olds)...

and ah i dont agree with the comment thats when the "man" is in charge. I think at 29 im so confident then when I was 20. At 20 I used to fall all over one guy (and let him be in charge)...now ive so much experience, I live for myself. I aint going to be letting any man be in charge haha.....if its going to work it has to be an equal balance

magneticimpulse

Emme wrote: »

Stop running so fast and somebody might catch you! Seriously OP, there are lots of people in your situation. Imagine being a woman in your late 30s and despite best efforts being unable to meet someone. At least men can have ONSs without being judged on it but if you slow down and take a look around you should find lots of women who'd love to be with someone like you.

You have so much going for you - you're fit and in good shape. You look after yourself so no mad drinking sessions. I'm into fitness myself but for some reason most of the guys I meet are heavy drinkers or turn out to be that way after a few dates. Like the one who told me he was into running and fitness when we first met, then a few dates in turned out to be a chain smoker who drank about 10 pints on a night out, and got nasty when drunk! :mad: Another thing, heavy drinkers can't (ahem) function.:rolleyes:

I've given up (the closest I get to hot sex these days is when I put a new set of batteries in the rabbit ) but as a woman in my late 30s I don't have the same options to meet someone and I'm nowhere near as eligible as a guy in his early 30s.

Good luck OP.

Try Speed dating in Dublin it was full of men in their late 30s, mid 40s and that was in the "30 - 35" year old speed dating group. At 29, I just keep meeting 35 - 45 year olds, cant find any 28 - 31 year olds anywhere (maybe its because cafe en seine is an older crowd?? i dunno)

Distorted

hard_to_take wrote: »

Its an awkward one this. The group im in train at a different time to the group that this girl is in, when we're finishing, theyre only starting. So our paths dont cross, not naturally anyway. If I wanted our paths to cross Id have to manufacture a situation and Im a bit reluctant to do that. It would be a bit odd for me to just walk up to her and start talking to her wouldnt it? Youre a woman you tell me, would she not be a little weirded out by that, consdering Ive never spoken to her before? I have no problem going up to her and starting a conversation, I just want to do it in the right way and not in a way that would be off putting.

No, I don't think it would be wierd. Not if you were in close proximity to her (which you must have been at some point to have seen her), looked at her, made brief eye contact, smiled briefly and said some very general remark about the weather, training or injury, or similar. Then smile and move off. Then next time you see her, you know her and can speak again, a little longer, for example, asking her when her next race is. I'm always friendly and pleased when someone knew makes the effort to talk to me and it happens all the time, particularly at races, as I know everyone at training already.

I also admire you for not wanting just anyone off the internet, etc. so you're not single any more but waiting for that more special someone. My friends who run are roughly split 50:50 into couples where both are runners and couples where only the one runs. The former always seem to be happier and spend more time together. The other group seem to be split into guys whose girlfriends have no interest in sport. For example, at my last cross country, I was speaking to a guy I know and he was telling me he'd had to drop his girlfriend off in the nearby town to shop while he ran - she didn't even want to come and watch him. I have to say, when I was single, two of those guys started texting me (I wasn't interested) and I've got a feeling they would like to play away.

I understand what you say about not compromising your training and totally agree. You have to do the training that works for you.

Oh and OP, what was your marathon time? And then us on here at least will appreciate it for you?!

G-Money

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Try Speed dating in Dublin it was full of men in their late 30s, mid 40s and that was in the "30 - 35" year old speed dating group. At 29, I just keep meeting 35 - 45 year olds, cant find any 28 - 31 year olds anywhere (maybe its because cafe en seine is an older crowd?? i dunno)

I'd avoid Cafe en Seine if I was you for a start

I'm in the same sort of situation OP. Male, early 30's, most of my friends are couple'd up. Occasionally I get really down about it and I feel like there's no hope. But I usually just try and pick myself up again and do something about it. Not working yet so far for me, I haven't really met anyone special, but as the saying goes, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

magneticimpulse

grandmaster wrote: »

I'd avoid Cafe en Seine if I was you for a start

I'm in the same sort of situation OP. Male, early 30's, most of my friends are couple'd up. Occasionally I get really down about it and I feel like there's no hope. But I usually just try and pick myself up again and do something about it. Not working yet so far for me, I haven't really met anyone special, but as the saying goes, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

I saw somewhere mentioned that OP said he doesnt seem to find single women out anymore. As a single woman with many friends I was purely pointing out the bars which we go to. It really is limited to Cafe en Seine, as it has people our age, its free in and has somewhat of a dancefloor.

The guys there around the dancefloor are abit sleazy so we normally hang out near the bar on the 1st floor as its so much quiter there.


Im just stating that there are single women out there who do still go out partying and nights out (nothing crazy)...but we are still human. I mean myself and my friends are always on the look out to find single 28 - 32 year old guys and whatever pubs/clubs they are hanging out at.

Im happy enough at the moment by myself and lack of sex. I cope very well. I make sure im always doing something with friends to overcome being lonely. Ive tried the online sex talk, the chat rooms, the sex toys, the dating sites and the speed dating, the crazy outdoor sport and gym...i found it a waste of time. So im happy to still keep an eye out in pubs/clubs.

G-Money

magneticimpulse wrote: »

I saw somewhere mentioned that OP said he doesnt seem to find single women out anymore. As a single woman with many friends I was purely pointing out the bars which we go to. It really is limited to Cafe en Seine, as it has people our age, its free in and has somewhat of a dancefloor.

The guys there around the dancefloor are abit sleazy so we normally hang out near the bar on the 1st floor as its so much quiter there.


Im just stating that there are single women out there who do still go out partying and nights out (nothing crazy)...but we are still human. I mean myself and my friends are always on the look out to find single 28 - 32 year old guys and whatever pubs/clubs they are hanging out at.

Im happy enough at the moment by myself and lack of sex. I cope very well. I make sure im always doing something with friends to overcome being lonely. Ive tried the online sex talk, the chat rooms, the sex toys, the dating sites and the speed dating, the crazy outdoor sport and gym...i found it a waste of time. So im happy to still keep an eye out in pubs/clubs.

I was wondering where in Dublin the single women were.

Emme

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Try Speed dating in Dublin it was full of men in their late 30s, mid 40s and that was in the "30 - 35" year old speed dating group.

They go there because they don't want to meet women their own age or over 35, they specifically want much younger women. One guy who organises these events is EXTREMELY rude to women over 35, he's happy to take their money but that's about it. I know a guy in his 40s who regularly gets calls from this organiser to attend speed dating events for 30-35s.

magneticimpulse wrote: »

At 29, I just keep meeting 35 - 45 year olds, cant find any 28 - 31 year olds anywhere (maybe its because cafe en seine is an older crowd?? i dunno)

Cafe en Seine is a mixed crowd and not the best place to meet genuine people. I always get chatted up by younger guys in Cafe en Seine!!! The main problem for me is meeting someone in his late 30s up who isn't lying or has a wife & kids hidden away.

Rockford_files

Rockford_files wrote: »

I dont buy it either. Not because Im cynical or anything like that but because it just wouldnt happen in this country. Maybe this is they way they roll in manhattan and its ok to just walk up to a woman you dont know and chat her up. But in Ireland if you walked up to a woman in a book store and attempted to chat her up, at best you'd be poitley fobbed off at worst you'd have security called after you.

I don't think that's true. I think it depends on the way you do it. Some men (especially Irish men) just appear desperate and lecherous, start talking at you without an appropriate lead-in and come across as obnoxious rather than charming. Then when you (naturally) try to get rid of them, they swear at you and mutter something about Irish women being snotty. Other men manage to talk to you like you're a human being, smile, say hello, start a convo about the book you're reading, or whatever, and it's grand. I've had loads of nice convos in cafes/art galleries/bookshops/markets with strangers in London and Dublin. I have a boyfriend, but if I didn't, I definitely would have considered meeting for a drink (in fact I did meet a few of them, as friends, and we're still friends now). I think the trick is to be natural and normal and not just view the person as a potential sex partner. It's worth a try. Just be very casual, smile, drop a remark about the weather, the book they're reading, anything. If you're sincere and polite, I highly doubt you'd cause any offence.

silkworm53

I dont buy it either. Not because Im cynical or anything like that but because it just wouldnt happen in this country. Maybe this is they way they roll in manhattan and its ok to just walk up to a woman you dont know and chat her up. But in Ireland if you walked up to a woman in a book store and attempted to chat her up, at best you'd be poitley fobbed off at worst you'd have security called after you.

That's just rubbish.:rolleyes:
If a guy sees a woman he likes he should just go over and chat her up.
I do it all the time. Women are all over the place and they are only waiting for guys to go over and talk to them. Women I have met have told me they often see guys they fancy and wonder why they never make a move. If a guy wants to attract women he will really impress them if he has the social skills to go right over smile, say hi and start a conversation out of nothing. Ireland is not any different from Manhatten or anywhere else in the world.

George Orwell 1982

Fair play on the marathon. You sound like an intelligent guy that would have a lot to offer in a relationship.

Basically you need to meet more single women. But where? I have the exact same problem myself. I get out every opportunity I get. I try to network and make new contacts and friends as much as possible. I started playing a few sports to meet more people. This would suit you too since you just ran a marathon. Things like tag rugby can be good. Volunteering activities can be a good way to meet people too.

All that said it is very lonely and some days I do feel quite down about it. I have been coping with it basically by trying to stay active and engaged in life.

magneticimpulse

Emme wrote: »

They go there because they don't want to meet women their own age or over 35, they specifically want much younger women. One guy who organises these events is EXTREMELY rude to women over 35, he's happy to take their money but that's about it. I know a guy in his 40s who regularly gets calls from this organiser to attend speed dating events for 30-35s.



Cafe en Seine is a mixed crowd and not the best place to meet genuine people. I always get chatted up by younger guys in Cafe en Seine!!! The main problem for me is meeting someone in his late 30s up who isn't lying or has a wife & kids hidden away.

Oh ive never spoken to a guy in Cafe en Seine...or in alot of pubs/clubs in Dublin for that matter. We just enjoy it because of the music and plenty of space and normal enough people. Myself and my friends never go on the "pull". We just go out, chat, buy a few drinks, dance, and maybe stop off for food or get taxi straight home.

No we never look and pretty much given up on ever meeting the male species. Personally the Speed dating was alright for a night to have a laugh, but did not like any of the guys there at all to actually meet up again.

Im just happy to give up. Not going to bother at all. Was never the time to make eye contact with guys, and certainly not going to start at 29. Ive snogged a far few guys, but mainly in UK...the guys there seem so less sleazy. Dublin guys are always chatting up "hotties" and i dont want to be another notch on the bed post

Emme

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Dublin guys are always chatting up "hotties" and i dont want to be another notch on the bed post

So true. In Dublin men can punch WAY above their weight because there are so many women. And none of them, any age, seem to want any woman over 27...:(

I was talking to some South African rugby supporters over the weekend, all absolute gentlemen and they couldn't believe the amount of attractive women in Dublin who seemed to be single and how unchivalrous (the words of one guy) Irish men were. "Are Dublin men blind?" they said. "No", I said, "just spoilt for choice".

Distorted

Emme wrote: »

So true. In Dublin men can punch WAY above their weight because there are so many women. And none of them, any age, seem to want any woman over 27...:(

I was talking to some South African rugby supporters over the weekend, all absolute gentlemen and they couldn't believe the amount of attractive women in Dublin who seemed to be single and how unchivalrous (the words of one guy) Irish men were. "Are Dublin men blind?" they said. "No", I said, "just spoilt for choice".

Thats true actually. I'm not even in Ireland, but there are plenty of Irish men over here where I live, and their first question is always "How old are you?".

Sleepy

Emme wrote: »

So true. In Dublin men can punch WAY above their weight because there are so many women. And none of them, any age, seem to want any woman over 27...:(

I was talking to some South African rugby supporters over the weekend, all absolute gentlemen and they couldn't believe the amount of attractive women in Dublin who seemed to be single and how unchivalrous (the words of one guy) Irish men were. "Are Dublin men blind?" they said. "No", I said, "just spoilt for choice".

I don't know where you're getting that perception from... I'd know as many, if not more Irish men that are single than I do girls that are still single here. The 'spoilt for choice' idea you bring up is interesting, I can't imagine the stats are that skewed demographically. Actually, I just checked cso.ie: from the 2006 census: the 25 - 44 years demographic is comprised of 681,988 men and 663,885 women so if anything, it's the women who are "spoiled for choice".

If anything, in my experience the 30 something lads who are single have a harder time of it. Contrast the positions of a couple who've separated with children involved and you'll generally find far more men willing to date a single mother than women prepared to date a single father. I'd see it far more the case that a woman who's not had children would reject even the thought of dating a guy who's got a child from a former relationship than a single guy in her position.

BTW, men of any nationality here for a rugby weekend are going to flatter the local women, Irish men do the exact same when we're single and away on rugby weekends too... I could be harsh and suggest the fact that yourself and your friends accepted this flattery as fact is a demonstration of one of the reasons many Irish guys look to foreign girls these days: a huge proportion of Irish women seem to believe that they're better than men and that we should be delighted to be allowed the opportunity to spoil them.

I can't say for certain where this attitude has stemmed from but I'd suggest it's possibly to do with the bias in our education system towards female oriented learning, the inclination of Irish fathers to spoil their daughters rotten and their increased ability to do so over the past couple of decades (exactly as Irish mammy has traditionally done with her sons) and / or the branches of feminism insistent on demonising men / pushing for superiority of the female gender rather than equality.

Emme

Sleepy wrote: »

BTW, men of any nationality here for a rugby weekend are going to flatter the local women, Irish men do the exact same when we're single and away on rugby weekends too... I could be harsh and suggest the fact that yourself and your friends accepted this flattery as fact is a demonstration of one of the reasons many Irish guys look to foreign girls these days: a huge proportion of Irish women seem to believe that they're better than men and that we should be delighted to be allowed the opportunity to spoil them.

Hello??? The South Africans came over and talked to us, we talked to them. Simple as that. No Irish guys came over and talked to us. And no, we don't think we're anything special. I understand the attraction of foreigners, most of my recent boyfriends have been foreign and as a result I find it really hard to understand Irish men and their games. I have found foreign men to be more straight up.

Distorted

Sleepy wrote: »

BTW, men of any nationality here for a rugby weekend are going to flatter the local women, Irish men do the exact same when we're single and away on rugby weekends too... I could be harsh and suggest the fact that yourself and your friends accepted this flattery as fact is a demonstration of one of the reasons many Irish guys look to foreign girls these days: a huge proportion of Irish women seem to believe that they're better than men and that we should be delighted to be allowed the opportunity to spoil them.

Again I'd back up what Emme says, without trying to hijack the post too much. I spent nearly a month in South Africa 2 years ago warm weather training and the South African men are way more friendly and just talk to you normally, compared to Irish guys, who generally only seem to talk to you if you're hot and young enough.

Star Lord

know how it feels 2 wrote: »

So fast forward 3 years and Im single, 29, working in the beauty industry and hell yeah, have a cat too and well proud lol, but none of this matters cos Ive been single for over a year now so all I ever hear is 'Weirdo'

I have a best friend whos a guy and I think people just assume we're sleeping together (even though he has a girlfriend) it just seems to be easier that way and I f*cking hate it.

Previously, I could have sat and had a great laugh with a guy all night, nothing would happen cos he would have a great laugh with me and then pull a hot girl, and I always thought 'If only I looked like her' but now, I try and have a laugh with a guy and its like he changes personality

First off, that sounds like you're still projecting a negative image of yourself, particularly with that 'weirdo' comment. I may be assuming here, but it sounds like you're simply thinking that yourself, rather than it being anything anyone has said to you. And if someone did say that to you, then they were highly ignorant, and their opinion is therefore not worth taking on board.

With regard to your male best friend, depending on how you both act around one another, this may be exactly how people perceive it! You may seem too close, and no guy (beyond those ignorant/brash enough to try to chat up some girl while she's out with her date/bf/husband) would go near that.

Again, I may be assuming here, but is it possible that you have also become a little like those guys in the past, that you are going for the 'hot guy' the same way as the guys in your past would chat to you then go for the 'hot girl'?

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Oh ive never spoken to a guy in Cafe en Seine...or in alot of pubs/clubs in Dublin for that matter. We just enjoy it because of the music and plenty of space and normal enough people. Myself and my friends never go on the "pull". We just go out, chat, buy a few drinks, dance, and maybe stop off for food or get taxi straight home.

No we never look and pretty much given up on ever meeting the male species. Personally the Speed dating was alright for a night to have a laugh, but did not like any of the guys there at all to actually meet up again.

Im just happy to give up. Not going to bother at all. Was never the time to make eye contact with guys, and certainly not going to start at 29. Ive snogged a far few guys, but mainly in UK...the guys there seem so less sleazy. Dublin guys are always chatting up "hotties" and i dont want to be another notch on the bed post

Usually, if you're hanging around in a group, the chances of guys approaching you are much smaller. Decent guys at least. If you have 'given up' as you say, then you may also be projecting what is essentially an air of "Don't even bother..." because you may be assuming that any guys that may approach you are going to be sleazy or only after that one thing. So when you are in the UK you let your guard down a little more as you don't have the same perception of the guys there, and aren't tarring them with the same brush, and thus are leaving yourself more open to approach!

Emme wrote: »

Hello??? The South Africans came over and talked to us, we talked to them. Simple as that. No Irish guys came over and talked to us. And no, we don't think we're anything special. I understand the attraction of foreigners, most of my recent boyfriends have been foreign and as a result I find it really hard to understand Irish men and their games. I have found foreign men to be more straight up.

Us single Irish men don't all play games either. I hate when people play 'games' like that. Men and women do it alike, but not all of them!

(For the record, 30 male, single since the summer.)

LegacyUser

DamoElDiablo wrote: »

First off, that sounds like you're still projecting a negative image of yourself, particularly with that 'weirdo' comment. I may be assuming here, but it sounds like you're simply thinking that yourself, rather than it being anything anyone has said to you. And if someone did say that to you, then they were highly ignorant, and their opinion is therefore not worth taking on board.

With regard to your male best friend, depending on how you both act around one another, this may be exactly how people perceive it! You may seem too close, and no guy (beyond those ignorant/brash enough to try to chat up some girl while she's out with her date/bf/husband) would go near that.

Again, I may be assuming here, but is it possible that you have also become a little like those guys in the past, that you are going for the 'hot guy' the same way as the guys in your past would chat to you then go for the 'hot girl'?

First 2, I really cant argue with, I have heard the 'weirdo' comment a million times, but from ignorant people if i think about it, 'cos its usually followed with the obligatory 'you wont get a fella comment' and when me & my best friend are out or im out with my friends (as i said mostly guys) i dont get attention, but i dont expect any really as one girl with a group of 5 guys, obviously most would assume im going out with one of them and btw yes, i do meet alot of guys through my guy friends, but unfortunately this also means I have real 1st hand knowledge of what these guys are like in relationships, so they're usually a no no lol

The last one I think is the problem, looks, status, money etc doesnt matter to me, obviously there needs to be a base sexual attraction, but I think that comes from personality, so Im never going to fancy anyone anyway until they start talking. Then, when they do start talking, if they're not being themselves, then whats the point? Im getting to know the guy they want me to know, not them and being in the company of guys so much, my bull**** radar goes off quite quickly. This is my point, EVERYONE should just be themselves. If people dont like you, thats ok, not everyone can. If you just try and lead a good life, then dont worry about hiding personality quirks I think everything would be so much easier. As I said, it wasnt really advice, just me ranting......

Oh yeah, sorry didnt quote you, silkworm, but Im not hiding myself away, quite the opposite, i dont frequent pubs or dating sites, my issue is the fact that when i do meet guys, they arent themselves and hey if your night happened, then it happened, however, I dont think the OP is looking for a one night hook up, which according to your post is what you accomplished with the girl from the bookshop, unless of course, im wrong and this developed into a relationship.

Anyway OP, like I said, just be yourself, if your a good person, good things will happen, just dont go down the gameplaying road and I forgot to say

Congrats on the marathon That is a MEGA achievement

weatherguy

Well for a guy it is relatively easy. Masturbate. For a girl slightly more difficult but they can also masturbate. Nothing wrong with it. Everyone does it.

Rockford_files

Distorted wrote: »

I understand what you say about not compromising your training and totally agree. You have to do the training that works for you.

Thanks, as I said, Im lucky to have such great athletes to train with. Not great for my social life, sure, but I wouldnt trade any amount of nights out for even one training session with these guys. They're my heroes.

Distorted wrote: »

Oh and OP, what was your marathon time? And then us on here at least will appreciate it for you?!

I wont say exactly because even though the lads I train with arent on boards, I do know that theyre partial to the odd bit lurking. My time was between 2:30 - 2:35.

G-Money

I'm male, 33, single and would be happy to meet a girl 27 or older, no problem at all. So it's inaccurate to say all men in Dublin go after the young hotties. Having said that, I'm actually from Northern Ireland so perhaps I'm considered a foreigner too