Gf is getting overt sexual comments aimed at her at work.

LegacyUser

going unreg for this. Basically my girlfriend works in a country pub where they basically only have their regulars and that in. She has mentioned in conversation a few times now things that have been said that I think are out of order but don't know if I'm overreacting or not?

Her boss will say things about the two of them hooking up. Like if she says f*ck me if something goes wrong he'll say "yes please" or "my place or yours". I know this sounds petty but she has told me also he does be trying to chat her up when he has a few drinks on him. Now she tells him to get lost but still annoying he does that.
Then you have the regulars making comments about her breast and other stuff I think is inappropriate to say to someone, taken or not.

Am I overreacting or if I'm not should I say something to her?

thanks

Ickle Magoo

By all means tell how you feel but I don't think there is any point in getting offended on your girlfriends behalf if it doesn't bother her - and stepping in and telling off other people for behaving a certain way with another adult isn't really on either. She's a grown woman, she either tells the punters & boss herself where to go or gives as good as she gets. I can't imagine her boss, the punters or your girlfriend appreciating you taking on a self-appointed bouncer roll.

All the best

LighterGuy

As for getting comments off the punters?
A girl will always get that when working in a pub. Its just the nature of working there.

As for the boss?
Well he is bang out of order. See all this "yes please" , "my place or yours" - its all put in a "jokey way" - fact is this guy is chatting up your girlfriend and continuely doing so even after she gives him the rub to stop.

I can forsee further problems down the line. You state he has stepped it up when he was drunk. Expect him to do so again. Especially laying it on more so if your girlfriend is drinking around him (eg a work night out? christmas drinks?)

You are perfectly within your rights as her boyfriend to put him in his place.

Ickle Magoo

LighterGuy wrote: »

You are perfectly within your rights as her boyfriend to put him in his place.

I wouldn't assume as a boyfriend he is perfectly within his rights to do anything regarding his girlfriend, far less throw his weight around her place of employment....I'd tread very carefully and ensure she wants and appreciates any action or the OP's self-serving chivalry could seriously back-fire. Even then, I don't think a chauvinistic boss or punters are going to respect her all the more because her boyfriend had to interject on her behalf - could make things even worse tbh.

If this is something that bother her then she's better off being assertive about how she is treated than having her boyfriend do her dirty work. I'd be mortified if my partner interjected in any employment issue I had.

LegacyUser

Unfortunately OP, these overt comments probably only barely register with your girlfriend. Most women will have comments of a sexual nature directed at them from the time they start growing breasts, after a while it just becomes background noise. If your girlfriend draws attention to the comments, she'll either draw her bosses anger (you're fired) or his derision (I'm only messing-you're frigid) on her.
I would only do something about it if your girlfriend dreads going into work Otherwise, leave it for your girlfriend to deal with. I'm sure, like most women, she has successfully dealt with lecherous comments before.

LighterGuy

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I wouldn't assume as a boyfriend he is perfectly within his rights to do anything regarding his girlfriend, far less throw his weight around her place of employment....I'd tread very carefully and ensure she wants and appreciates any action or the OP's self-serving chivalry could seriously back-fire. Even then, I don't think a chauvinistic boss or punters are going to respect her all the more because her boyfriend had to interject on her behalf - could make things even worse tbh.

If this is something that bother her then she's better off being assertive about how she is treated than having her boyfriend do her dirty work. I'd be mortified if my partner interjected in any employment issue I had.

I just feel its to be expected from the punters. Nature of the job. But there is a line from a co-worker or boss. I think if that line is crossed its disrespectful to her and her boyfriend. I would class the boss continuely trying to it on to be crossing the line. (I also forsee him stepping it up more if given a specific chance)

Its not by any means a reason to fight or pull him aside and go "here what are you doing!!!?" - but giving him the rub is clearly acceptable here. If he decides to continue, well next line crossed.

Its just a form of respect. If I was always chancing it on with a girl I worked with who had a boyfriend - and he "let me know" - well he would be right. Because I wouldnt be caring about him, or the fact he is her boyfriend. I would be looking to get stuck in at any chance.

Of course, due to the situation of a job and her boss you dont want to rock the boat too much. But you have to have self-respect at the same time.

Ickle Magoo

LighterGuy wrote: »

But you have to have self-respect at the same time.

I agree, I've managed pubs - and what respect does a grown woman who's boyfriend has to have a go on her behalf get? None, that's what. It just makes the boyfriend look mega insecure and the girlfriend pathetic, lose-lose. If there is a line being crossed then it's for the girlfriend to point that out and take the necessary action. If someone was being flirty and coming on to you at work and your girlfriend called in to call them off, would they be doing you a favour or making you look like a complete idiot?

dudara

One thing that came to mind is that you're girlfriend shouldn't really be saying "f*ck me" in a work environment. Being circumspect is important - and generally, I find that others will then treat you with the same respect.

Ultimately though, your girlfriend has to stand on her own two feet on this one. If you wade in, you won't be doing the situation any favours.

Zen65

unreasonable? wrote: »

Am I overreacting or if I'm not should I say something to her?

I'd suggest you are over-reacting.

What is it you think you should say to her? Do you think you should be putting her under pressure to stop these remarks being made, even though she has never indicated she has a problem with them?

If so, what next? Will you ask her to stop other people looking at her in a way your disapprove of? Perhaps she could wear a burkha for you?


Be at peace,

Z

Nevyn

I think it is out of line for a work enviroment even a pub but she has to want to make a change and stand up for herself, you can suuport her but you can't do it for her.

S23

I'd agree with the above. If she wants to do something about it then support her. If she has no isssue then let it be.

I don't think it's acceptable to have remarks made to you from customers just because its a pub. Unfortunately we live in a backward enough society where enough people think it's 'par for the course' and is a general rule of thumb. However, the ugly truth is it's a RoI/UK style problem. It's not par for the course elsewhere around europe because an inappropriate remark is an inappropriate remark regardless of where you work.

Anyway, until such a time she has a problem with it herself enough to feel like doing something then keep your powder dry

silkworm53

Hi OP

A pub is going to be frequented by guys who like a drink and a laugh.
Your girlfriend is probably an attractive woman and because she is in a pub the regulars probably think they have right to make comments. Some of the men probably go there especially because she is there.
That's just life unfortunately.
The bar owner is not going to put up a sign up saying 'Stop hitting on the barmaid.'
Men are sexist to women, always have been and always will.
If she makes an issue out of it, she is not going to win.
The bar owner will probably make it hard for her to work there and influence her to leave.
If she gets a job in another bar, the same thing is probably going to happen there too.
For women working in bars, this just comes with the territory.
It's not right but bars aren't a nice place to work anyway.

I am a friend

unreasonable? wrote: »

if she says f*ck me if something goes wrong he'll say "yes please" or "my place or yours".

Maybe he is trying to shock her into using better language in work.......?

S23

The best way to tell her to change her language would be to take her aside and say 'Pauline, the language you use around her isn't good enough, cut the swearing out'. It's not rocket salad

LegacyUser

As someone who worked in a pub i can tell you this has happened to me as well mostly from the customers but i learned how to live with it, if your girlfriend finds it upsetting than working in a pub is not for her.

As for the comments her boss has made that is not acceptable she needs to speak to him and tell him to stop.