First love and how it effects future relationships???

LegacyUser

simple question really, but do you think you ever really get over your first love, or to be more precise, the feelings you had for your first love?

guy here in his late 20's. went out with a girl for nearly 5 years, broke up 2 years ago. she was the first person i genuinely really loved. broke up because things werent working out between us, she finished it in the end, but deep down i knew it was the right thing too, i just didnt want to admit it. took me a long time to move on from her when we broke up.

anyway fast forward 2 years, have been on numerous dates, very short term things etc,2 months here, few dates there. all of which i have ended. normally because i dont get that feeling i used to have, i am not overly excited about things like you should be when you meet someone new, just wasnt getting the same feelings i had when i first started dating first real love girl.

talked to close friends and they said i wasnt giving girls enough of a chance. so anyway, been dating a girl now for 3 months, nice girl, i fancy her, she seems intereted etc. i have given her more time than other girls i have been giving. really would like to feel the same way about her (cant wait to see her, cant wait to make her smile, laugh, cant wait to do new things etc),but i just dont have those feelings. something isn't there and it is my problem.

i dont miss my first love anymore, it wasnt meat to be, i know that, i do miss the feelings i had though when i was with her. i know, no 2 loves can be the same, every love is different, but there is something holding me back. maybe i just havent met the right person, i dunno, but this girl i am currently dating seems to tick all the boxes for what i am looking for, so i dunno why i dont feel the same excitement for her as i should...and i relate the feelings to those i had for the first girl i really loved?

anyone been in similar position or can understand what i am trying to say? can love be someone you just get along with or do you have to be mad about them?

Wibbs

Yep I know exactly what you mean. I'd say it was ten years between my first adult love and my second where I felt like that(and more) again. Though I had fallen out of love a couple of years into that 10 years, so it wasnt a case of pining for the first one. Like you I just didnt feel it and it certainly wasn't the quality of women I met in the middle either. Objectively quite a few were head and shoulders above the first one in a lot of ways. So though I never used the line "it's not you, it's me" if I had it would have been one of the few instances where that line was 100% truthful. That said I was in deep "fond" with a couple of them. Maybe it would have worked out with one or two? Who knows.

From my experience and from what I've noted in others, people vary quite a bit in their ability to fall in love. First people vary in how fast they fall in love and then how fast they can reset and fall in love again after a failed relationship. Those who are slow to fall in the first place can be equally slow to fall in love again IMHO. Some though rare only truly fall in love the once in their lives and anything after that is a smaller emotion. They may love and cherish others, but that deep feeling, not so much.

So what do you do? I dunno, try not to think too much about it. Don't lead people up the garden path either, just because you may feel you have to be in a relationship. Goig on the odds, chances are you will meet someone sooner or later. There's no mad rush. It may even be the current woman you're seeing. One day you may turn around and feel that for her.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

So what do you do? I dunno, try not to think too much about it. Don't lead people up the garden path either, just because you may feel you have to be in a relationship. Goig on the odds, chances are you will meet someone sooner or later. There's no mad rush. It may even be the current woman you're seeing. One day you may turn around and feel that for her.

op here. this is where i am confused though. when are you leading someone up the garden path and when are you just giving a relationship time to grow?

i know one thing, i dont feel the same way about the girl i am currently seeing compared to the way i did feel when i first started seeing the girl i loved. and i dont see myself ever feeling for the same way for her as i did for my ex.

so am i just using her (which i really dont wanna do, hence why i have stopped seeing other girls in last 2 years) or am i just not gonna ever feel the same way about someone again as i did about first love?

i am definitely the type of person who is slow to fall in to love and slow to fall out of it. with my ex, i knew early on she was right for me, but still took time to show her how i felt. with this girl i am currently seeing, i know i fancy her, i know i get on well with her..BUT...that feeling i had before just isnt there, that excitement, that something......

so do u only get that once with first love and never again?

LegacyUser

I know you say that you're over your ex, OP, but it really doesn't sound like you're fully over her. In order to be 100% over someone, you need to stop comparing what you had with them, or you will never, ever be happy with anyone else.

You may only miss that feeling, and not the girl, but in your mind they are (understandably) inextricably linked. You need to let her go.

I know what you're going through, though. In my case, it helped a lot that I found out a lot of unsavoury things about my ex about 2 years after we'd broken up. That helped the healing process a lot. Until then, I was absolutely still in love with him. He was the first man I loved, too. I dated other guys, but it seemed pointless. I was convinced, absolutely convinced, that I would never feel the same about anyone else. And I probably won't - it'll be different, but that doesn't mean it won't be as fulfilling in different ways.

It's also accepting that you'll never have the same KIND of love with anyone else - first loves are always, always different and always special. There's a reason why people say 'You'll never forget your first love'. It doesn't mean that you won't love someone in a different way, that may be better than your first. It's possible.

Maybe you need to talk to someone else about the relationship OP - two or three counselling sessions would probably be a good idea. x

LegacyUser

I too can sympathise with what you are saying OP. I too questioned the same up until a number of months ago.

I was in a very long term relationship, madly in love, "My First Love". That relationship came to an end 2years ago. I felt in the aftermath of that relationship, that I would never feel the same about the anyone they way I did about my ex. I am not willing to settle for anything less than that feeling of true love. I am someone that is slow to fall into love (and out of love).


In the two years since breaking up with my ex, I went on a few dates. Too, that line " its not you, its me" I could've used every single time. I ran away so many times. Too, my friends said I wasn't giving them a chance. However, I know how things work for me, if I don't get that sense of attraction, butterflies, early on, I never get it. I very quickly decide that its not for me.

A number of months ago, I met this guy. Straight away I knew something was different. With him, he brought those feelings of excitment, attraction, wanting to be around him all time, butterflies, feeling like a teenager. It made me finally face up to and let go of my feelings for that "first love", and close that chapter of my life. I can genuinely say I have such strong feelings for this guy.....maybe love!

Everyone, is different. You know yourself how you work and how you feel about things. That first love will always have a special place in your heart. All I can say is that it is possible to find true love again, a love that equals or exceeds that "first love".

Don't worry too much about it. I say go with your gut instinct. You will meet that right person. Have fun while looking for the "One"!!!

Wibbs

confused2010 wrote: »

op here. this is where i am confused though. when are you leading someone up the garden path and when are you just giving a relationship time to grow?

I think you know when you're doing that tbh. FWIW I don't think you are from what you've told us. For me it was when I realised I was just going through the motions

i know one thing, i dont feel the same way about the girl i am currently seeing compared to the way i did feel when i first started seeing the girl i loved. and i dont see myself ever feeling for the same way for her as i did for my ex.

Well like has been said each relationship is going to be different, so the fact is you won't feel the same feelings at the time. Now you could look at it two ways I suppose. You could restrict yourself to just waiting for the butterflies or give the relationship a chance to see what develops. Somewhere in the middle probably works best.

so do u only get that once with first love and never again?

Although it took me the guts of a decade between mine I defo felt the same way second time around. More in fact. So unless someone is very extreme on this score then no you get more than one chance.

kjhjh wrote: »

I know you say that you're over your ex, OP, but it really doesn't sound like you're fully over her. In order to be 100% over someone, you need to stop comparing what you had with them, or you will never, ever be happy with anyone else.

Maybe, but speaking for myself anyway, I was definitely over my first after about 2 years and stopped comparing and all that. If she had shown up and was suggesting trying again I wouldn't have. Indeed, she did and I didn't. I simply didn't feel that level of basic chemistry for anyone else for a long time. Including as it turned out my first love herself.

For me anyway there is that disconnect between my head and heart in some ways. I would suspect it's similar for many men, more than women IMHO. We fall for people with our hearts, heads and pants. Men tend to fall with one or two, less commonly all at once. Women IME tend to fall more with all three, indeed don't tend to separate them as much in the first place. My heart fell for the first one along with my head(and somewhere more southerly ). We split up. My head (pretty quickly actually) saw it wouldn't have worked long term, my heart took longer. When it switched off for her, then even when she came back on the scene at a time when my head said yep this could work(and it did) I felt nada. So for the time in between the first and the second, my head and crotch fell many times, the heart simply didn't and in my case I felt and feel that's not enough if I dont get all three.

OP at the moment I reckon your head and pants are in play, but your heart hasn't kicked off yet. It may never with this current woman, but it will with someone. I'd still give her a chance, but at the same time if it's not happening in 4 months time say, then it's unlikely to IMHO.

smurfy8

confused2010 wrote: »

simple question really, but do you think you ever really get over your first love, or to be more precise, the feelings you had for your first love?

guy here in his late 20's. went out with a girl for nearly 5 years, broke up 2 years ago. she was the first person i genuinely really loved. broke up because things werent working out between us, she finished it in the end, but deep down i knew it was the right thing too, i just didnt want to admit it. took me a long time to move on from her when we broke up.

anyway fast forward 2 years, have been on numerous dates, very short term things etc,2 months here, few dates there. all of which i have ended. normally because i dont get that feeling i used to have, i am not overly excited about things like you should be when you meet someone
new, just wasnt getting the same feelings i had when i first started dating first real love girl.
talked to close friends and they said i wasnt giving girls enough of a chance. so anyway, been dating a girl now for 3 months, nice girl, i fancy her, she seems intereted etc. i have given her more time than other girls i have been
giving. really would like to feel the same way about her (cant wait to see her, cant wait to make her smile, laugh, cant wait to do new things etc),but i just dont have those feelings. something isn't there and it is my problem.

i dont miss my first love anymore, it wasnt meat to be, i know that, i do miss the feelings i had though when i was with her. i know, no 2 loves can be the
same, every love is different, but there is something holding me back. maybe i
just havent met the right person, i dunno, but this girl i am currently dating seems to tick all the boxes for what i am looking for, so i dunno why i dont feel the same excitement for her as i should...and i relate the feelings to those i had for the first girl i really loved?


I just came across this thread and I could have written it myself except in my case it's three years since I broke up with my ex boyfriend.I don't think for one second that you are still in love with your exgirlfriend,I'm going through the exact same where I just don't feel like I did when i started going out with my ex.we went out for six years,I'm in my late twenties now.
I too have gone on countless dates,have given the guys a chance for three and four months and I just come to a point in the relationship(if you could call it a
relationship) where I just can't commit cos I'm not in love with the person and don't see a future.
I'm 28 and I think past relationships have a huge effect on present or future relationships.I've realised no two loves are the same but I don't even get that tingling,smiling happy feeling when I'm with someone at the start.
Is this feeling ever going to be there again,or is the reality of settling for someone that I can put up with going to hit me in a few years!
I thought it was me but it's great in a way to see others are the same after this stupid first love thing,I know that sounds selfish but that's the reality.I thought because of my ex moving on so quickly that fellas deal with repercussions of an early relationships and the effect of first love.if anyone has any life altering suggestions,let me know!

silkworm53

Hi OP

My first love was when I was 15 and it was a girl I couldn't take my eyes off at school. I never got together with her but I'm friends with her on facebook, know many of her friends and I know she is still single. I haven't seen her in years because she lives at the other end of the country but if I did meet her again, in a flash I would chat her up and ask her out.
BUT I have meet many other women when I finished school, went to college and have been working. Some I have fallen head over heels in love with. I often find myself day dreaming about them too though some have married or have had kids by now.
I regularly meet new women and like yourself go on dates, have two month relationships etc.
You can't help how you feel. Any man has a string of ex-lovers and ex-girlfriends he thinks about now and then.
I'm sure 80 year old men who have been 50 years happily married still think about the one that got away.
It's just life.
Life is too short to allow yourself to be eaten up with regret.
Enjoy your life and move on as best you can.
Best of luck:)