I Nearly Hit Her

LegacyUser

I shuck my gf last night. She was horrified.

She has been treating me like **** lately. Really **** and I feel like im going to explode with anger.

She completely humiliated me last night and I grabbed her by the arm and pushed her. I was so close to hitting her. I have never hit a woman before but I scared myself by how close I came to hitting her last night.

I really want to leave her because of the way she treats me but I love her and I cant bring myself to end it.

If we patch things ups, which we always do, and she antagonises me again I don't know if I will be able to stop myself from hurting her.

I feel terrible and don't know what to do.

Ickle Magoo

That sounds like a horrendously unhealthy relationship - you must know that. You either have to go and get couple counselling and work out ways of communicating properly or you have to end it. Based on the fact you know she treats you like crap, I'd advise the latter - or you could end up doing something you regret and end up with no girlfriend and whole heap of legal trouble to boot and nobody who treats you like crap is worth that.

You might look into some anger management techniques for yourself as well, regardless of how much a partner needles you, feeling an overwhelming desire to thump them isn't healthy either.

All the best

Miss Fluff

How did she humiliate you? It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all.

You can still "love" someone and end the relationship. Oftentimes ending a relationship because you know its for the best even if you still love that person.

If you feel that she winds you up that much that you fear you could hit her then you either need to attend couple's counselling or walk away.

Milkmaid

Soclose, no matter how your GF behaved there is no excuse for physically hurting her by shaking her.
You have the option of walking away to cool off when things got heated. I know you feel remorse but once you start to say thing like "she humiliated me" you are giving yourself excuses to abuse a girl. This is how abusers start..they make justifications and this gradually gets worse...please stop and look at what is going on..you are not happy with your GF for whatever reason so stop seeing her until the problems are resolved. Tell her things are dysfunctional and are not working out.
If you really think she deliberately humiliated you and keeps on doing it then why do you want to stay with her? Just cos you love someone doesn't mean they are right for you..if she treats you badly then find someone who will treat you well.
Good luck

Taltos

End it now.

Otherwise you will be labelled as a woman-beater.
She will have the sympathy and the friends around consoling her
But you - well - everyone will always refer to you as that B*st*rd that hit poor so-and-so... You will never escape it.

End it now.
Then go seek help for your temper - not saying you have a bad one but if someone can punch your buttons until you nearly lose control you need to learn how to either a) remove yourself from those situations when they arise in the future or b) learn how to never ever lose it again...

End it now.

VinnyTGM

Just thought I'd add that there are other forms of abuse, such as emotional and physcological abuse, which is what she seems to be doing to you.

Although this dosen't mean anything to people as Irish men are tough and can handle anything :rolleyes:

Your probably best ending it, as this will only end up one way, and you'll be the bad guy.

LighterGuy

If you continue with her you will run the risk of her just being at you and at you more, then you hit her - then you'll be the "bad guy" :rolleyes:

See all this "I love her" - it doesnt mean a thing. Your relationship is toxic. Think of the future op. Whats it going to be like in a few months time?
Toxic relationships deterate. In 6 months time she could of dumped you, cheated on you, even antagonise you to hit her (directly or indirectly)

goose2005

Milkmaid wrote: »

Soclose, no matter how your GF behaved there is no excuse for physically hurting her by shaking her.
You have the option of walking away to cool off when things got heated. I know you feel remorse but once you start to say thing like "she humiliated me" you are giving yourself excuses to abuse a girl. This is how abusers start..they make justifications and this gradually gets worse...please stop and look at what is going on..you are not happy with your GF for whatever reason so stop seeing her until the problems are resolved. Tell her things are dysfunctional and are not working out.
If you really think she deliberately humiliated you and keeps on doing it then why do you want to stay with her? Just cos you love someone doesn't mean they are right for you..if she treats you badly then find someone who will treat you well.
Good luck

It sounds like she's the abusive one, there's more than one way to harm people.

metrovelvet

EVeryone has a breaking point and dv is rarely onesided. However the law is not concerned with hurt feelings or destroyed egos, etc. If you hit her, you will go down. Not her.

You gotta get out. NOW.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks for the advice. It easy to say end it but its not so easy when you love someone as much as I love her.

I'm a very decent bloke and would never have thought I could get so angry but I just can't believe she has driven me this far.

People have already started taking sides about what happened, its a nightmare. She was so out of order. I was completely humiliated.

Milkmaid

To goose2005: I totally agree with you..there are lots of ways to abuse besides physical abuse.
For sure there are relationships where women can abuse verbally etc..however the OP is in a very bad position because he is a male and in law he will be the one who ends up in court. This is just a fact, and I am not saying his GF isn't abusing him as well.
A healthy man makes healthy choices and this relationship is clearly unhealthy, so he needs to walk away ..I have seen people who clearly brought out the worst in each other behave completely differently with other partners.

Sgt Pepper 64

But you DIDNT hit her. Which shows a good level of self control.

You need to sit down with her and talk.
Perhaps there is a reason for her baiting you?
If you sit down and talk, and explain that you love her, but could she please stop saying things which she knows winds you up.
Ask her if she is happy in the r/ship etc. Is something bothering her?
Sometimes partners lash out, because they feel they can because they have a partner and thats what they are for.
She could have money worries, being bullied at work, someone close to her is sick, could be something totally unconnected with you, but you are bearing the brunt.
Its worth a shot anyway.
You know your anger triggers, now try dealing with them, perhaps by laughing or coughing, something to defuse the situation.
If you feel the blood rushing to your head again, leave the room.

good luck

LegacyUser

Soclose wrote: »

OP here,

Thanks for the advice. It easy to say end it but its not so easy when you love someone as much as I love her.

I'm a very decent bloke and would never have thought I could get so angry but I just can't believe she has driven me this far.

People have already started taking sides about what happened, its a nightmare. She was so out of order. I was completely humiliated.

OP the others posters are right you will get a bad rep out of this. What kind or person is your girlfriend? Is she winding you up on purpose? if so thats even more reason to leave

skooterblue

Sgt Pepper 64 wrote: »

But you DIDNT hit her. Which shows a good level of self control.

If you feel the blood rushing to your head again, leave the room.

Hi OP, You didnt hit her "this time", next time might be different. Be the bigger person and get out of this relationship. I hope it is not complicated with shared assets, shared friends or tied families.
Leave now before you find out if you can really hit her.

Once you cross the line of wife beater you can never go back. You can be they guy who was driven out by that bitch or you can be a wife beater. Its your choice and I think she wants you to do it so she can be the victim.

TitoPuente

Sgt Pepper 64 wrote: »

Perhaps there is a reason for her baiting you?
If you sit down and talk, and explain that you love her, but could she please stop saying things which she knows winds you up.
Ask her if she is happy in the r/ship etc. Is something bothering her?
Sometimes partners lash out, because they feel they can because they have a partner and thats what they are for.
She could have money worries, being bullied at work, someone close to her is sick, could be something totally unconnected with you, but you are bearing the brunt.

What? Who cares? There's no excuse for abusing someone. If she's taking out her problems by publicly humiliating her boyfriend, she needs dumping.

She sounds like a dangerous emotional abuser out to create an 'abuser' out of you OP and a victim out of herself. Does she have any history of abuse that you know of or any personality disorders/mental illness in the family?

I'd suggest you get out now to be honest.

discus

If she's pushing you that far, you need to get out man.

You probably have your mates (and maybe even a few of hers) agreeing with you, or even trying to talk you into ending the relationship. And they're right - remember, it's hard to be objective when love is involved. Only you see the great times you have with her, so you might find that in your head you can "balance out" the times she humiliates you with the better things she does. But that still doesn't make it right, man.

Soon she might push you too far - you might react, and end up with the bad title. And beleive me, if she's anything close to the type of girl I'm picturing in my head, she'll be very happy for you to have that title, while getting all the sympathy. And your friends will stick by you as much as they can, but it's hard to defend a friend who's got that label of "girl basher", even if he was the real victim.

LegacyUser

Good god, I'm dumbfounded by the amount of sympathy the OP is getting here. He pushed and shook his girlfriend. I've had some pretty horrendous rows with exes and none of them ever did that to me. If a guy ever pushed or shook me, I'd be out of there and would never be speaking to the guy again. I'd advise my friends to do likewise. I acknowledge that no, it's not the same as hitting someone, but it's on the same spectrum. If she hit you OP, I would be similarly disgusted.

I'll take you at your word that she's treating you very badly and the relationship seems very toxic. But not all men in toxic relationships would find themselves on the verge of raising their hand to their wife or girlfriend.

If you did hit her, you would not be a poor innocent who mistakenly and unjustly found himself with the title of wife-beater. You WOULD BE a wife-beater. We're educated, civilsed humans, not animals who can only respond to emotional pain with violence.

If you're that unhappy, get out. You don't have to stay. You need to take charge of yourself and your own actions.

Sgt Pepper 64

TitoPuente wrote: »

What? Who cares? There's no excuse for abusing someone. If she's taking out her problems by publicly humiliating her boyfriend, she needs dumping.

She sounds like a dangerous emotional abuser out to create an 'abuser' out of you OP and a victim out of herself. Does she have any history of abuse that you know of or any personality disorders/mental illness in the family?

I'd suggest you get out now to be honest.

Because we dont know the half of it
Because we have only heard one side (And that was a few paragraphs)
Because the OP himself doesnt know why and at least needs to try and find out
Because relationships are complicated and have to be worked at. Its never going to be all roses.
Frankly I'm more shocked at how many people say "Get out now"
No wonder divorce lawyers get rich. The slightest sign of trouble and thats it , move on???
Relationships are about beng supportive, so because someone has a "mental illness or personality disorder" you should automatically dump them? What a great attitude that is.
"Sorry, I have found a defect in you and cant possibly continue, hope you get better soon - I'm off for a quiet life?"
Good grief

TitoPuente

You're right of course. Emotional abuse should be tolerated and disordered abusers should be allowed to abuse :rolleyes:

Assuming that we take the OP at his word here and he's being cruelly and publicly humiliated by his girlfriend - then he needs to dump her. Because there's simply no excuse for abuse. End of story.

Taltos

Soclose wrote: »

OP here,

Thanks for the advice. It easy to say end it but its not so easy when you love someone as much as I love her.

I'm a very decent bloke and would never have thought I could get so angry but I just can't believe she has driven me this far.

People have already started taking sides about what happened, its a nightmare. She was so out of order. I was completely humiliated.

Look - just cop the F on here.
So what that you love her so much, so what if it is not easy to walk away.
Just step back and look at the facts.

1. She "drove" you to get physically violent with her... Are these the actions of someone who loves you as much as you love them?
2. You grabbed her, shook her and nearly hit her - again I have to ask you - would you ever in your wildest dreams when you first met her ever dreamt of treating her like this?

Your relationship has changed. You have now crossed a line that can never be remade and it will make the next line all the easier. It is going to happen mate. She will push you and needle you and you will be oh so "humiliated" that you will lash out - and as bad as things are now - trust me they will look like nothing compared to things then.

You have to stop this now and the only way to do that safely is to get the help you need before the help you get will be from behind bars on a police van as you are dragged from your home...

metrovelvet

No its not easy to walk away. But guess what? Prison is harder.

Zen65

Sgt Pepper 64 wrote: »

No wonder divorce lawyers get rich. The slightest sign of trouble and thats it , move on???

But this is not a "slightest sign" of trouble. This is the last warning sign OP will receive before he actually hits his partner. Of course he may receive the warning more than once, or only just the once, nobody can say.

For both their sakes, they should part company.

Be at peace,


Z

LegacyUser

Not logging on, for obvious reasons. OP I had a very similar experience. Absolutely madly in love but every so often she'd push my buttons like no one else I've ever known and drive me crazy. Once I had the kind of explosion that you describe. I pushed her onto the bed and held her down. It was a weird almost outer body experience. I had never lifted a hand in anger in my life and here i was being driven to the verge of unspeakable violence. The shock and shame left me paralysed and emotionally traumatised.

Do yourself a favour, do what I did. I spoke to my partner explaining how much I loved her but that I simply couldn't live with the threat of what I had been on the verge of doing to her, hanging over me.

Then I went to therapy. Not just counselling or anger management but in depth psychoanalysis. I uncovered my own deamons and insecurities that had been buried within and I now understand why she was able to hurt me so much. For me personally I was carrying the pain of years of school yard bullying that unknown to me or her she somehow was able to trigger.

There was a natural break as she had to travel with work. She never actually moved out and we never officially broke up so when she came back after a year the natural thing was to move back into the apartment. I had moved out of the bedroom so we were basically sharing the apartment.

Crazy thing is I was able to recognise a change in her. During the year she had seen a therapist herself and had dealt with her own insecurities and why she treated me so badly on occasions.(but that's a different story)

Anyway, 7 years later we are together, madly in love and thankfully that horrible experience is a distant memory. The upside of my therapy though is that i can now recognise anyone else who is trying to wind me up and instinctively keep control because I know that the problem is theirs and not mine. It's kind of like the school yard bully, don't give them the response they want and they eventually get bored.

Sorry for the long post but if you are willing there is hope. Good luck.

TitoPuente

Emotional abuse is insideous but no less damaging than physical abuse. Anyone who perpetrates either is a scumbag. Nobody should ever put up with any kind of abuse. End of.

Walk away, OP.

doolox

There isn't a single judge that would back you in a case if it went to violence and you were up in court.

9 times out of 10 the man will do the time.

This relationship will not change, far better to be on your own than end up as a "wife beater" or having a history of violence.

Women can kill, chances are that in a confrontation she may get the upper hand and you may end up injured or dead. Don't be under the illusion that you are physically safe in this relationship, is she doesn't get you the authorities and the inmates in prison will do the job,it is only a matter of time.

Counselling may help but will take a lot of time. You need to get out now and stay well away from her and women similar to her.

RedXIV

OP for what its worth, I do think you can save the relationship but it's one hell of an uphill battle. I would agree that distance at this moment in time is a good idea as you both need to realise that if you are getting that agitated with each other, is it worth continuing and if it is, will you consider doing something about it. As pointed out above by Me Too, it can happen and it will take time, dedication and honesty but there's always a way. However, if she is being vindictive simply to provoke a response from you then I'm sorry to say mate, she probably doesn't love ya as much as you think