self harming

LegacyUser

Apologies in advance if this is all over the place but thats where I'm at, at the moment.

Sometimes if things are getting on top of me I start to hit myself with the heel of my hands on the sides of my head.
Its like a huge pressure is building up inside of me and the only way to release it is to make myself feel pain.
I really cant believe I'm writing this.

Today was particularly bad, my son was winding me up something fierce (he's a young teen so I know it goes with the territory) I had to walk away and go to my bedroom so he wouldn't see me upset or hurting myself.
I would never let the kids see me like this , anyway the pressure was building so bad I had to stop myself from running head first into the wall what the fu*k is happening to me?! Most of the time I'm fine, Jesus my family and friends would be horrified if they knew.

LegacyUser

I completely understand where your coming from, self harm gives you something else to focus on. the pain instantly takes your mind away from everything, then you always feel the sting of healing pain and then theres the constant focus of hiding any marks. the only advice i have for you is my own experience. i self harmed for years on end, started off with biting or bruising myself and ended up with cutting and burning myself. when i was early 20s i was feeling extremely angry so i was going through my usual routine, i took out my razor and cleaned it. i was so angry this time that i pressed the razor in deep, closed my eyes and cut. next thing im in hospital. i cut so deep that i saw the INSIDE of my leg. i could see the bottom half of my leg from where i had cut. i couldnt feel anything, i was in complete shock. i saw fat and my bone/tendon moving as i moved my leg. in hospital i was told i was about 1cm away from causing serious damage and restricting or losing the use of my right leg. that was the last time i ever self harmed. anytime i even attempted to cut myself again, this image would flash into my mind and id just cringe at the thought of seeing that again. what im trying to say is, no matter how you are harming yourself it can go seriously wrong, no matter what kind of help works for you or how you get it dosent matter, just start looking for help now. your body dosent deserve to have to deal with the permanent damage you are causing. if you dont get help this will only advance.

Ickle Magoo

I think you should talk to your GP about how you feel and/or find a counsellor to work with. Perhaps keeping it all inside is exacerbating the issue and before it escalates or you do you yourself any lasting harm, you should let people know how your son's behaviour is affecting you and find another, healthier way of dealing with him/stress in general.

All the best.

lau1247

if it is just plain stress.. maybe buy a punching bag and take it out on that.. that's what my friend did when he is stress from work..

LegacyUser

I don't enjoy the pain I inflict on myself , so maybe it is stress and the build up of pressure. I cant put the blame all on my son there is more to it.

I'm afraid I am damaging myself I'm getting headaches more often and I wonder is it related to what I do? more than likely I suppose.

I (lots of 'I' in this post ) am afraid to go see my gp because I just know this will open the flood gates to stuff in the past that I have no desire to remember. I found a diary I kept more than 20 years ago, I wrote things in there that I have being trying to not remember -as opposed to trying to forget - its a bit blurry what I do remember and if its even a tiny bit 'real' and not in my imagination ( like I wish it to be) well , then the **** will hit the fan.