Pesky Engaged 'Friend'

wicklowgal

Have any of you got a friend that is planning a wedding too but keeps fishing for info on your wedding?

I know this couple who got engaged a couple of months before myself and my fiance and has constantly hounded both of us for when, where, how much, what we're wearing, eating etc. etc. We bump into herself and her fiance regularly and all we get is questions! Before we got engaged we used to get on very well with this couple but both myself and my fiance are finding it incredibly difficult to deal with them anymore! So much so that we've taken them off our wedding list! Thing is I used to be very good friends with her fiance when I was growing up and I'd hate to see us losing touch over something petty like this.

My fiance bumped into her on his own one day and she made a bitchy comment that we couldn't leave them engaged for 6 months without 'stealing their thunder'!!!!

My fiance who would be extremely easy going was even bothered by this comment. I couldn't care less when their wedding is, what they're wearing, who their inviting etc.

As I said before, I would have been very friendly with her fiance growing up but since we've gotten engaged she's turned into a total bridezilla. We just don't know how much more of this we can take!!

Sorry for the rant, just needed to know had anybody else been placed in this petty, competitive situation?

axel rose

Hello mountain, meet molehill.

I see nothing wrong with a couple who are planning a wedding discussing wedding planning with another couple who are also planning a wedding.

Are you afraid that they may use some of the same suppliers as you? If so, why is that an issue?
You took them off your wedding list because of this!!!! You sound too competitive to be a nice person. I'm glad my friends are supportive people.

It's just a flipping wedding op. Its only important to you, your partner and a small number of family and friends. Beyond this, very few people give a toss what happens at your wedding. You should be happy that someone is around to share tips and experiences.

wicklowgal

Sorry I should probably mention that they won't share anything about their wedding when we ask! Therefore, it's not sharing/discussing! It's them constantly hounding us for info on OUR wedding!

Basically we can't have a normal conversation with this couple anymore without it involving our wedding.

I'd love to have another couple to share wedding planning with, particularly because I haven't a clue where to start!! But this couple won't share ANYTHING with us!

dillodaffs

sorry axel rose but i disagree..sounds like the other couple are the competitive ones to me.

quote "has constantly hounded both of us for when, where, how much, what we're wearing, eating etc. etc. We bump into herself and her fiance regularly and all we get is questions!"

Sounds like your friend thinks you are "stealing her thunder" as she puts it. very silly and immature if you ask me, but this is probably why are getting asked all the questions...maybe she wants to make sure her day is better than yours or something silly like that?

I think you should invite them to your wedding though, if you were friends before this you can be friends when its all over, I think you will just have to endure this until her wedding is over (if you can). Try not to let it ruin a friendship though.

just my tuppence worth.

wicklowgal

axel rose wrote: »

You sound too competitive to be a nice person.

Wow what a nasty thing to say! You know what kind of person I am after reading a couple of lines I've written??? Doubt it!!

they sound very self centered, the whole "stealing thunder" thing is sooo childish, its like those couples who hate when someone else calls their baby the same name as their child. I'd personally feed them a load of crap about my wedding plans, send them in the wrong direction and all that ( i know im being the childish one now!) or you could just say "listen lets leave the wedding talk, we have more in common together than that"

cowhands

Oh God wait till ye have children! See what the questions will be like then!

Ah no on a serious note, I really think your friends are very excited by their and your upcoming wedding, it it something massive in your lives at the moment and its only human nature that enquiries are made and comparing happens.

My friend was planning her wedding when we got engaged and she was truely happy to give advice, comments and so forth which I think is great. I dont usually buy a wedding cake every day so I want to make sure Im getting a good deal -that sort of thing.

I understand how stressful planning a wedding is but if you have been good friends for this long, dont let your wedding or hers come between you.

Ticktactoe

wicklowgal wrote: »

My fiance bumped into her on his own one day and she made a bitchy comment that we couldn't leave them engaged for 6 months without 'stealing their thunder'!!!!

You see this carry on, I just have no time for it.
You have to ask yourself:
Is she really a friend?
If so how good of a friend if this is the way she carrys on?

My advise - invite them to the wedding but after that leave them to their own. Im sure you will or have much more important things in your life to be concerned with than wasting your time and energy worrying about someone you think may or may not be your friend.
If they were a true friend you would know.

magneticimpulse

Oh that sounds so annoying. id just ignore her and she'll soon get the message. sometimes you've got to cut ties with people, especially when they act childish like that.

just put it down to finding out who your true friends are.

Like someone else said...fill her full of fake stuff about your wedding, over estimate everything...say your getting everything hand made, its all organic food and everyone will have free massage during the wedding, that the women will all have makeup done professional by bobbi brown and get free gifts, that your getting a swiss yoddle singers as the band with swiss horns as the entertainment, say everyone has to sit on the floor on cushions like a thai meal...whatever load of bull off the wall stuff you can think off tell her. be creative and have fun doing it hehe

mikeanywhere

Are they asking the questions so as not to be the same as you?? If it is a case they are, then why not give them a load of "other" useless information ie having pink chair covers when in fact you are using a totally different colour or that your flowers are yellow when they might be pink

It is said as tongue in cheek but you get the idea

Toots

axel rose please don't make personal comments about other posters.

wicklowgal

Thanks for all the advice guys. It was actually my fiance that first said he didn't want them at the wedding after the bitchy comment she made! I'm gonna have a chat with him tonight about it, because we will probably end up inviting them all the same. But for the time being, I think we'll try avoid them! As much as I like talking about our plans for the wedding, I do have a life outside of it!!

This seems pretty common, I was talking to a cousin of mine who is also planning a wedding and she has a girl in work who is the EXACT same!!

Toots

Is their wedding day before or after yours? If it's before yours, she's probably trying to make sure that you won't 'upstage' her on your wedding day. I'd be understanding if ye were sharing wedding tips, but this kind of childish fishing for info and snide comments does my head in. It's a tough one to call, but if you feel that she's going to be negative and bitchy at your wedding, it might be better that she weren't there, or if you don't want to exclude her completely you could always invite her to the afters.

wicklowgal

Toots* wrote: »

Is their wedding day before or after yours? If it's before yours, she's probably trying to make sure that you won't 'upstage' her on your wedding day. I'd be understanding if ye were sharing wedding tips, but this kind of childish fishing for info and snide comments does my head in. It's a tough one to call, but if you feel that she's going to be negative and bitchy at your wedding, it might be better that she weren't there, or if you don't want to exclude her completely you could always invite her to the afters.

Yeah we had thought about just inviting them to the afters but seen as it's down the country they probably won't come just for the few hours.

Yeah ours is before theirs. I think they're probably a bit annoyed about that too seen as they got engaged before us as well. Oh I don't know!!

Toots

wicklowgal wrote: »

Yeah we had thought about just inviting them to the afters but seen as it's down the country they probably won't come just for the few hours.

Yeah ours is before theirs. I think they're probably a bit annoyed about that too seen as they got engaged before us as well. Oh I don't know!!

I wouldn't be a bit surprised if after your day they start going on with 'oh, you did this well we're going to do THIS!!!' and try to make things better. I work with a girl like this and 3 of us have gotten married in the office in the last year, and she's been like that with everyone. TBH, your 'friend' sounds really insecure, try to ignore her if you can, although I'm sure it's easier said than done. If the wedding's down the country and she's unlikely to come to the afters, that could be a blessing in disguise!

axel rose

Fair enough Toots,
but I was gobsmacked when I read that the OP would not invite this 'friend' to her wedding. From what I see either the couple in question is not getting a lot of support from their group and is hoping that seeing as the OP as a source of support and information, or there is competion between both couples.

I never did understand why brides are so secretive about their suppliers........Can anyone honestly let me know.

whatdoicare

Be very careful of this so called "friend", tell her as little as you can get away with, totally lie if you have to. I had a " friend" like that who actually told friends of mine that she was annoyed at me for not getting married within a year of getting engaged ( we couldn't afford to) as we totally messed up her plans- I hadn't realized we had anything to do with her plans but there you go, logic doesn't come into it.
I'm still hearing accounts from guests at the wedding who encountered her ranting at them about us having this thing or that thing at our wedding and one aunt even witnessed a full on meltdown she had over the effort we put into our day and how she was going to top it and how she was in a panic about finding a fantastic hotel or some nonsense.

It was disgusting to hear of her conduct on the day and she upset quite a few people, she even attacked my OHs brother for just recently getting engaged after a short time dating, he had never met the friend before in his life and his new fiancée was very offended.

Needless to say we dropped this friend like a hot potato.

Ticktactoe

whatdoicare wrote: »

Needless to say we dropped this friend like a hot potato.

And rightly so!
Who needs that in their lives. People have enough on their plates without adding crazy to it.

Best get rid!

D3PO

OP I know what you mean. Its funny how people react to discussion about their wedding with another engaged couple

We too are guilty of being closed in terms of providing info to friends who are also planning. I think its a natural thing though your putting all this time into making it a special day and really dont want to end up in a situation where they end up booking the same venue or band you wanted etc.

Im happy to talk to them about certian things, like now we have our venue booked Id be happy to tell them how much we negotiated off the price, where we visited what we thought of such and such a venue etc, but before we confirmed our booking I wouldnt have wanted to share.

I dont think we have been a pain for the sake of it just wanting to make sure we can get the suppliers we want without feeling a let down of them having booked the ones we want.

This other couple seem to be going a bit over the top though and definatly sound competitive. (I dunno I guess you could call us competitive based on the above )

The comment about not letting them "enjoy" their engagement seems very bitchy. I think thats out of order, and even though we were in the same position i.e this couple got engaged just after us thats none of our concern and Im happy for them and not feeling that they are "stealing our thunder"

Heineken Helen

I too have a friend getting married 6 months after us... they also got engaged about 6 months after us. There is no 'stealing of thunder' and I'm just as excited for them as they are for us. We're discussing everything and sharing advice. We're getting married first and I'm also giving her my necklace for her something borrowed. If she wanted anything else, she could have it too as times are tough these days!

If they got engaged after us and planned their wedding before ours, I would be a bit funny though and would probably feel like THEY'RE being the competitive ones. I probably would be a bit less helpful in all fairness.

tinkerbell

Heineken Helen wrote: »

If they got engaged after us and planned their wedding before ours, I would be a bit funny though and would probably feel like THEY'RE being the competitive ones. I probably would be a bit less helpful in all fairness.

I don't understand why you would "be a bit funny" if they planned their wedding before yours. It's nothing to do with you whenever they decide to get married, why should people put their wedding on hold just because they think their other engaged friends will have a hissy fit?

PS
Obviously it would be bad form if they arranged it within a week or two of your wedding, but if it's over a month out then I don't see the problem.

Shivers26

OP, I know exactly how you feel and it sucks.

Both my sister and my OH's sister are getting married in the same month and 7 months before us. My OH's sister has been a dream to deal with. We have been shopping, shared ideas, helped each other and just generally had loads of fun doing wedding stuff.
My own sister has been a nightmare. She has literally changed her whole wedding to be a carbon copy of ours. I was using silk flowers and then she decided to have them and she told me she wants roses in her bouquets so I am not allowed to have them. I have been told 'dont you dare have anything red because I am having red', I never flipping said I was!! I saw a picture of a hairstyle in a magazine and I commented that it was nice and she literally snatched the magazine out of my hand and said 'yeah well i'm having that so you cant'. I asked a close friend of mine to be our church singer and my sister was there and she said 'oh you can sing at my wedding too'.

I put my foot down on the church singer and am keeping my trap well and truly shut now. Our budget is about 3 times what theirs is and we are researching everything and put so much thought and effort into everything and then she just robs our ideas because she is too lazy to plan things herself.

Anyway, as you can see, my sympathies. Just keep your ideas to yourself and dont discuss details with them. All I say now is 'oh I dont know yet or we havent decided yet'

Heineken Helen

tinkerbell wrote: »

I don't understand why you would "be a bit funny" if they planned their wedding before yours. It's nothing to do with you whenever they decide to get married, why should people put their wedding on hold just because they think their other engaged friends will have a hissy fit?

PS
Obviously it would be bad form if they arranged it within a week or two of your wedding, but if it's over a month out then I don't see the problem.

It's not about throwing a hissy fit but I thought it was etiquette to consider other people when you plan your wedding... i.e. if we've got the same set of friends, etc. I may have given them plenty of notice but somebody else comes along and plans it in between so said set of friends now have to really save for two things. I suppose it's different if someone gets engaged and plans the wedding a few years down the line but if it's all in the next year... well it's simply common sense really I thought

I wouldn't throw a hissy fit but I said I would probably be a bit less helpful... which I don't see anything wrong with... otherwise you could have the case of the poster above me where they steal all your ideas and THAT can lead to a lot of problems.

wicklowgal

Heineken Helen wrote: »

If they got engaged after us and planned their wedding before ours, I would be a bit funny though and would probably feel like THEY'RE being the competitive ones. I probably would be a bit less helpful in all fairness.

We actually set our date before them because we wanted a Summer wedding and as it turns out they're having a Christmas wedding. Just the way it worked out. I really wish things could just go back to the way they were before we got engaged.

BTW, I have other friends who are planning weddings, including a cousin, and we openly talk to them about plans for our weddings. I actually love sharing ideas, my friend has actually booked the same Church singer as us and I have no problem whatsoever with it! I recommended the singer to her! I just won't have the conversation one-sided and the comments bitchy.