Apologies for this but....RANT!!!!!!!!!

locombia

Ugghhhhh! Men!

Sorry if I go off on one but i just have to get this off my chest...

Right, I was going out with a guy for nearly 3 years and we lived together for the last year. As most relationships go, it was great for the first year but as time went by I gradually came to realise that this guy was not for me...We decided move in together and see how it was living together (more his decision than mine) but that was disastrous as we were fighting non stop. So in the end I decided to break it off with him. I felt he wasn't putting any thing into the relationship and it was me doing all the work. There were other issues too...he was extremely selfish and only thought about himself ALL the time, he was happiest when drinking or taking drugs and lets just say he just wasn't the guy for me.

Anyways, I knew he wasn't the guy for me for a while but I was too much of a chicken to be honest with him until one day it just got too much for me and I decided to end it. For me it was a relief as it had been plaguing my every day thoughts for about 3 months. He didn't take it too well. He knew there was something not right in the relationship but he didn't think I would end it.

When we broke up we had about 2 weeks where we had to get ourselves sorted out...look for new place to live, move out of our house etc. For those 2 weeks he was really feeling down and I felt sooooo guilty because it was me that was doing this to him. So I did what I thought was the right thing to do and I just was there for him for whatever he needed. I held him while he cried himself to sleep every night and told him that it seemed like the end of the world now but it will get better in time. I helped him look for a place to live and even helped him move all his stuff out which was no mean feat!

So, the 2 of us managed to find new places to live and we finally seperated. At that stage it was all very amacable and even though we were sad that it had come to an end he was starting to see some positivenss and we were just thankful that it didn't end in some big drama or fight. We said that we would still remain friends because even if the relationship was finished we didn't want to lose our friendship. Even though I have said he is not the guy for me I did like hanging out with him.

For the first week after we moved out we didn't call or text each other as we were busy settling into our new places. But all that time I was really worrying about how he was feeling. He isn't from Ireland so I thought he was really lonely without any family or close friends around him. I had sleepless nights thinking of how he was coping. More fool me!

The second week I texted him to see if he wanted to meet up and he said sure. We met up for something to eat and then a few drinks and it seemed like he was coping fine which was a relief for me to be honest! The night went on and we were just catching up until he decided to tell me that he has been seeing/sleeping with another girl. Why did he do this, do I hear you ask? Well, he is the most honest guy you will ever meet and I mean BRUTALLY honest. So he said he just wanted to let me know in case I heard it from somewhere else...

GUTTED!!!!! I couldn't believe it!! It ony took him 1 week to get over a 3 year relationship and there he was telling me how he he's seeing her because he doesn't want to be lonely and they actually get on great with each other. I was fuming but felt I couldn't say anything to him because it was my decision to break up with him so I just left.

Forward on another 3 weeks and he is still seeing this girl. She is on that stupid mothereffing Facebook crap so I saw pictures of her too and she is ****ing gourgeous. Like, I mean, she's a mini fuking Shakira like!!!!

I feel so stupid for feeling like I am now. Stupid for worrying about him when there was no need, lonely because he is now with someone else (who is really hot!) and fustrated because i can't say anything as it was my decision to leave....

There is no way that I would go back to this guy but Im still devasted that he found someone new so soon??/Bit of a contradiciton there I know...

I wish that I could just move on but its not that easy cause there is a part of me that still really cares for him and for the friendship we had. Stupidly, in my head I thought that we would be miserable for a few months and eventually move on but he's done all of this in the space of a few weeks!!

Am I being really possesive and stupid here cause that's how I feel right now. I just want to crawl under a rock and never come back up again:-(

Sorry for long post but I had to vent....

dory

Just breathe. It'll take time. He sounds like the kind of person who needs to be in a relationship, just be happy you're not that kind of person!

You have to keep reminding yourself he was not the one for you. Cut ALL contact and move on.

Gyalist

Think of it this way - he is her problem now.

Cut all contact (including Facebook) and get on with your life.

metrovelvet

Dog in the manger?

LegacyUser

Fail to see the problem here. You went out with a guy for 3 years, was great for ONE year after which you felt you wanted out of it.

How long did you string him along before you decided to finally finish it?

It's easy to be the shoulder to cry on when you're the one doing the dumping, and easy to convince yourself that your actions are purely altruistic. Believe me, been on both sides of it and if I'm completely honest with myself it does soothe any feelings of guilt no matter if feeling like that is merited or not.

However for the person being dumped, especially if they don't take it well as in this case it's the worst possible thing to do as it just drags out the whole thing.

So you dump him, he finds someone new in a week? What's the big deal? You said yourself you wouldn't take him back.

Would you prefer if he continued to be miserable so you could carry on selflessly being there for him?

Sorry to be harsh but Jesus make up your mind. You didn't want to be with him, he wasn't for you.

Now he's someone else's problem not yours. Be happy, move on

cactuspaw

had a guy do somthing similar to me once.
txted him about a month after breaking up a 3 year relationship and got a "who is this?" txt back. bout a week later, it went up on his facebook that he was in a relationship with sombody else.

a month? like, in fairness. I was pretty pissed off. and he is still with her bout 2 years later.

the only way i look at it is that she must be enjoying his moaning and whining. I can do what i want now.

ilovefridays

girls are more emotional than guys. Guys wouldnt think twice about jumping straight into bed with the next girl. Dont let it bother you.
she has your left overs;)
as another poster said , she is putting up with his moaning etc now.

get out there and Enjoy your freedom:D

locombia

Thanks for that!

I just saw red there for a minute but I know in the end and as time passes by it will turn out for my best...I just can't believe I wasted so much of my time and energy on him!:eek:

tbh

locombia wrote: »

Thanks for that!

I just saw red there for a minute but I know in the end and as time passes by it will turn out for my best...I just can't believe I wasted so much of my time and energy on him!:eek:

loving someone, or worrying about them, isn't really ever in vain. Like, the only way you could avoid that situation in the future is to harden yourself against someone, and I hope you don't do that. It sounds stupid, but feeling like you are feeling now is the price you'll sometimes have to pay for being a caring, loving person and I hope you'll come to the conclusion that it's a price that's worth paying.

He's on the rebound, generally men are better than women at separating emotions from sex. You say he liked using drugs and alcohol, so he sounds like the the type of guy who prefers to hide from his problems than confront them. In this case, it sounds like he's persuing this girl because it distracts him from his feelings about the relationship with you ending.

I'm not saying he's still in love with you, but then you weren't in love with him either. The feelings you are feeling, and he is feeling, are all related to a life-changing event that's *just* happened and will calm down in time.

I hope you feel better soon.

Don't criticise yourself because of how you acted. You reacted normally and naturally, and that's just how it is. You weren't stupid or anything.
You've probably learned that drifting in a relationship and hoping that somehow things will eventually work themselves out doesn't work. If that's the case, then it wasn't for nothing.

WhodahWoodah

Are you upset because you still have feelings for him and miss him or are you just annoyed because he moved on first? It sounds to me like the poor guy got dumped and just wants to move on with his life.

You broke up with him for many reasons so although it's annoying that he moved on first, he's still the dumped party so maybe you should just let him have that and try to move on yourself.

I'm sure he didn't locate mini-Shakira as a dig at you - it was more likely something he did to try to make himself feel better. Some of the other posters here have recommended that you delete him from your Facebook etc and that's probably a good idea. If you have mutual friends (which you probably do after 3 years) then block him so any tags of him etc won't come up on your profile.

You made a decision and unless you have changed your mind you need to learn to live with it. If you have changed your mind then tell him, but if he's the big drinker / drug taker you describe him as you might want to think hard first.

PS: Him seeing a hot girl so soon after breaking up does NOT necessarily mean that he's over a 3 year relationship so don't feel insulted. They made a word for it - it's called Rebound!

cactuspaw

I know how you feel, really. but do you not think its a bit sad that he cant look after himself? he is in no way independant. thats what I used to think of my guy (well after the initial anger and screaming irrationaly at my laptop).

It dose help if you have a few friends that are happy to point out all the crap he put you through before you broke up.

ilovefridays

locombia wrote: »

Thanks for that!

I just saw red there for a minute but I know in the end and as time passes by it will turn out for my best...I just can't believe I wasted so much of my time and energy on him!:eek:

ah don't be thinking like that, we've all been there, it's all part of life.

I always say, the reason they are called 'EX'. they were EXperience, till you meet Mr Right:p

28064212

locombia wrote: »

Am I being really possesive and stupid here...

Pretty much. You have no idea how he feels and what impact it has on him. Maybe he's dying inside. Maybe it's a rebound relationship. Maybe he had an instant connection with her and she's the love of his life. You say he wasn't expecting the break-up, but it could have been a massive relief to him when the end finally did come.

You're criticising him for being honest, would you have preferred he lied or hid the truth? You're criticising him for moving on with his life, would you prefer he hung around waiting for you to change your mind? You don't want him to be with you, but you can't stand that he's with someone else? You're being hugely hypocritical.

If you don't want him, it's neither right nor fair to expect him to wait til you're happy to let him move on. If you genuinely wanted to be his friend, you'd be happy for him

moco

Years ago I broke up from a 2 year relationship and went on holidays a couple of months later with a group of girls, some of who I'd only met once or twice.

Didn't it turn out the most annoying girl in the group had just started seeing my ex. All I heard the whole holiday was 'Johnny this' and 'Johnny*' that. I found it very hard to take, even though I'd finished with him.

You just need to remember why you split up with him. Him having a new girlfriend won't change any of that. He'll probably have her head wrecked in a few months time, and maybe not. All that matters is that you two weren't right together.

You'll soon meet someone better and forget about all this.


*name changed

Colonel_McCoy

Its nothing but a rebound, just somebody to fill the gap in his life that you left.

it will be over in weeks! Nearly always does.

locombia

I absolutley agree its a complete contradiction what im saying. That I don't want him back but still feel angry he is with somebody else! This is what is most difficult to try and sort out in my head. Why do I feel this anger when it was me that wanted out?? I guess its the joys of being a woman

LegacyUser

If he was a 'nice' guy you wouldn't care about him after the break up, always the way.

Why girls stay with guys who drink and take drugs is beyond me.

You initially chose him ffs!!

seenitall

locombia wrote: »

I absolutley agree its a complete contradiction what im saying. That I don't want him back but still feel angry he is with somebody else! This is what is most difficult to try and sort out in my head. Why do I feel this anger when it was me that wanted out?? I guess its the joys of being a woman

Because the ol' Ego took a bit of a knock. It's nothing to worry about, a bruised ego heals much quicker and better than a broken heart, so it is actually something to be grateful for; the main thing is that you two weren't right for each other, and so you know you did the right thing in breaking up. You will be back to your old self, and looking back on being silly over the "ex-factor" in no time at all.

Best wishes!

tbh

locombia wrote: »

I absolutley agree its a complete contradiction what im saying. That I don't want him back but still feel angry he is with somebody else! This is what is most difficult to try and sort out in my head. Why do I feel this anger when it was me that wanted out?? I guess its the joys of being a person

fyp

Moomoo1

this reminds of when people go on about how being in a relationship always makes them attract other people - a lot more so than when single

in a way because he got off with that hot girl you start subconsciously thinking 'well if she wanted him, maybe he was a catch after all?' And 'what does she know that I don't?'. And the killer 'maybe with her he won't be so selfish and put so little effort in as he did with me'? But that's totally a wrong way to think of those things. In fact, the best thing you can say now is 'I am really happy that things turned out so well for you'.

try to see it from his side, put yourself in his shoes. He was clearly heartbroken, clearly hurt by the way things ended. You obviously tried to help him through that, and that's a great thing to have done, but as everyone knows sometimes that's sometimes just an extra twist of the knife. And then this dream girl that he gets on so well with comes along... what is he supposed to do, tell her 'sorry love, not now'?

LegacyUser

bah humbug!! wrote: »

If he was a 'nice' guy you wouldn't care about him after the break up, always the way.

Maybe he was the nice guy? You can't assume he was horrible because he took drugs, and the OP wanted to break up with him.

Way to project your insecurities!

locombia

unregistered wrote: »

Way to project your insecurities!

Are you referring to my insecurities here?

_Kaiser_

I don't get this tbh..

OP is with a guy 3 years, has doubts after the first year and decides he's not the guy for her (fair enough - the reasons she gives are valid and would put me off someone too!) BUT moves in with him anyway???

Things predictably get worse and eventually they split and THEN she gets upset that he's moved on so fast (even though she technically/emotionally "split" from him after year one!)

I'm sorry but as someone else here said, I don't see what the problem is. You've (albeit belatedly) gotten him out of your life, he's moving on too and now you're acting jealous over a guy you haven't wanted for years!

Seems to me that the real problem is that you stayed with him as long as you did rather than ending it when you realised he wasn't what you wanted.
Sounds like a classic case of "rather be miserable than single" to me.

locombia

You're absolutley right. After reading my post I realised how insecure I am about myself. I admit I was more angry at the fact that she was drop dead gorgeous to be honest and kept on comparing myself to her...I suffer from having pretty low self esteem even though everyone around me is always telling of the numerous positive things that I have going for me.

All my life I have been a very shy person so I don't tend to be too open with people. So I guess I just wanted to keep his friendship as I don't have that many people I can talk to properly. It was a case of wanting to stay in contact with him but without dealing with all the BS that a relationship carries. Not fair on him obviously.

I have done alot of thinking about this and I have no reason to be angry with him. He needs to be able to move on as much as I do with whoever he wants to.

This was a case of pure jealousy and as a previous poster said 'a dent on the ego'

Thanks for all your posts though...

tbh

locombia wrote: »

You're absolutley right. After reading my post I realised how insecure I am about myself. I admit I was more angry at the fact that she was drop dead gorgeous to be honest and kept on comparing myself to her...I suffer from having pretty low self esteem even though everyone around me is always telling of the numerous positive things that I have going for me.

All my life I have been a very shy person so I don't tend to be too open with people. So I guess I just wanted to keep his friendship as I don't have that many people I can talk to properly. It was a case of wanting to stay in contact with him but without dealing with all the BS that a relationship carries. Not fair on him obviously.

I have done alot of thinking about this and I have no reason to be angry with him. He needs to be able to move on as much as I do with whoever he wants to.

This was a case of pure jealousy and as a previous poster said 'a dent on the ego'

Thanks for all your posts though...

fair play OP. You're a wiser person today than you were yesterday, that'll benefit you.

_Kaiser_

locombia wrote: »

You're absolutley right. After reading my post I realised how insecure I am about myself. I admit I was more angry at the fact that she was drop dead gorgeous to be honest and kept on comparing myself to her...I suffer from having pretty low self esteem even though everyone around me is always telling of the numerous positive things that I have going for me.

All my life I have been a very shy person so I don't tend to be too open with people. So I guess I just wanted to keep his friendship as I don't have that many people I can talk to properly. It was a case of wanting to stay in contact with him but without dealing with all the BS that a relationship carries. Not fair on him obviously.

I have done alot of thinking about this and I have no reason to be angry with him. He needs to be able to move on as much as I do with whoever he wants to.

This was a case of pure jealousy and as a previous poster said 'a dent on the ego'

Thanks for all your posts though...

And here I thought I was being harsh, but "tough love" works sometimes

As tbh said, fair play to you though. Put him behind you and focus on you for a bit - have fun, enjoy being single and doing your own thing for a while - and you'll meet someone when you're ready