Why not meet your birth parents

Crea

This is for adopties obviously.

If you were contacted to say that your birth mother wanted to get in touch with you what reasons would there be to not do this?

I'm not trying to cause an arguement - i'm genuinely curious.

Ostrom

Many reasons

Not all adoptions were entered into under ideal circumstances so unfortunately there are many difficult reunions (of those I know personally).

Adoptees may have families of their own, or concerns or issues that might make a reunion less than positive. Equally, birth parents may have young families, and the transition could be difficult.

It takes time to adjust to the idea of moving between families and managing new relationships with no frame of reference - both parties need to be ready.

Jennyfer

Mainly because I am already part of a very happy family, I have my Mam and Dad and my brother and I feel so grateful for them (also have my own kids now). And thats more than enough for me. Definitely not due to any kind of bitterness or fear or awkwardness, I am just genuinely 100% content with my life the way it is.

Ickle Magoo

I have absolutely no interest in meeting my biological parents - and would definitely decline if they got in touch. I have a mum & dad who worked hard to get me, nursed me when I was sick and still call everyday to check how I'm getting on - I also have a very close extended family and now a family of my own. I have absolutely zero motivation to risk anything I currently enjoy for the sake of letting a complete stranger into my life (& that of those I love) based solely on the fact we share DNA. :cool:

kathy finn

after going through the whole reunion process with my birthfamily i can honestly say i would do it again, it has,nt always been easy but i have met some lovely people who i now call my friends. my adopted family always encourged me in my search, i think everyone has the right to know the circumstances of their birth and where they came from, i just did,nt arrive to my adopted parents at 3 months old i was someone before that i had another family. im so glad i found out the truth i now understand why i was given up for adoption. i would encourage all adoptees to go for it...kathy

Ickle Magoo

Some people like me know full well the circumstances of their adoption and still have no interest - that's their right and the "you just HAVE to meet them" brigade sticking an oar in at every opportunity gets both annoying and wearing.

The OP asked why not meet biological parents & I answered them, I'm aware other people feel/felt the need to meet theirs, I'm not one of them.

kathy finn

i understand some adoptees don,t want a reunion and that is totally up to them, i was just posting about my personal feelings.
maybe it comes from my upbringing my adopted parents where very open and from a young age my amum always spoke of my birthmother and how much she loved me but could,nt keep me.
i respect everyones opinion and hope they respect mine.....kathy

Ickle Magoo

The OP specifically asked why NOT meet birth parents, seriously, it's threads like this that ask for people opinions on one thing and get hijacked by someone trying to push their own completely unrelated agenda that puts me off posting in this forum.

kathy finn

then my answer is their is no reason not too. does that suit u. i was trying to put across my reasons why people should go for reunion....kathy

Ickle Magoo

Again, the OP asked why NOT meet birth parents - it wasn't why meet them. Interjecting that people should meet biological family after posters have stated they have no interest - and then adding some condescending point that it must be because of how you were raised is completely unnecessary.

You have no idea what other peoples situations are and one poster even specifically said they hold bitterness, for the record neither do I - I have no beef with all manner of relations that I've never met - adopted family or biological - and I have no burning desire to meet them either. My birth family is completely superfluous to my life, many adoptees feel that way - a lecture on why we should all go looking anyway on a thread specifically asking why NOT is just irksome...and inferring it's got something to do with having/not having issues with adoption is just plain old insulting presumption.

Anyway, that's my last - well done on reminding me why I tend to give this forum a swerve.

Crea

Thanks for the feedback. It's good to get another perspective.
My husband is a birth father. He is still in touch with his ex and She is desperate to get in touch with the child (who is now in her early 20's). Due to a serious illness she was allowed to send a letter to the child few years ago but she (the child) didn't want to meet. We were wondering why as we are all very eager to meet her so the posts from you guys have been very helpful in understanding her motives better.

The_Conductor

Lets calm down folks.
Both points of view are equally valid- there are people out there who have little/no interest in searching for their birthparents, and there are also folk out there for whom searching is an obsession. Most of us are probably somewhere between both of these points of view- but both are equally valid as viewpoints.

Many people feel no compulsion whatsoever to seek their birthparents, and are perfectly content, its simply not something they have any interest in pursuing.

In a case where someone were contacted by an agency advising that their birthmum was interested in contacting them- where they simply don't have any particular interest in contact- they have two choices to make, advise of their lack of interest (don't have to give any particular reason), or perhaps think about how their response might affect the other person and reply in the affirmative.

If you genuinely are not interested in contact- you can come across as selfish by refusing contact- but the inverse of this is why should you agree to contact, when your decision is based on trying to double guess how your decision might impact on someone else?

If you do agree to meet with your birthmum- they might have expectations (reasonable or otherwise) about how you might play a part in their lives, and may simply find it impossible to understand how you're not interested- and indeed your lack of interest could hurt them very badly. On the otherhand- finding out about possible siblings etc, might ignite a curiosity that you didn't know exists- however this is taking a leap that may hurt someone, irrespective of how they may feel about you.

Adoption is a minefield- and its so easy to misinterpret even little things that people do subconsciously. We, both adopted people and also birthparents, need to understand that we are for all intents and purposes, strangers towards each other. Birthparents may try to associate us with the child they saw many years previous- without acknowledging that we are now adults, and all the travails that life has thrown at us. Adopted people may have some fairytale notion of their birthparents- which simply have no grounding in reality.

There is no easy common ground- any reunion involves a great deal of work on the part of both sides, and acceptance of the other person, who they are, the life they have lead- it does take work, regardless of what anyone tells you. If you are not willing to acknowledge the effort and work involved- perhaps a reunion might be better avoided- as you would only hurt the other person?

OS119

OP, my views are the same as Ickle Magoo's, its just that at in my early 20's i fell for the 'its your destiny' crap, fortunately my parents had given me the strength to say 'this isn't what i want, i'm not interested'. my parents were always entirely open with me about my adoption, they supported/understood my (looking back on it, brainwashed by my social worker) desire to 'find out where i came from' even though they later admitted they'd had a pretty shrewd idea of what i'd find.

my parents are the people who looked after me, educated me, protected me, loved me and supported me in everything i wanted to do - regardless of how dumb it was - my parents are the people who beam at me whenever they see my children, the people who worry themselves sick whenever i'm away, and the people who promised me that they would look after my family if anything happened to me.

imv, the 'whole family' movement and its appalling message that the adoptive parents are 'just looking after' the child until the birth family sort themselves out is driven by a entirely selfish desire by those who fundamentally failed their children to erase their own irrespponsibility and be given a free pass into the lives of people who were doing very well without them in spite of the circumstances of their birth.

i'm afraid that when you read the 'reconcilliation' stories of birth parents you usually detect very little about the continuing welfare of the adoptee and an awful lot about the needs/wants/desires of the BP. and you might think that that was a pretty good indicator of how the situation arose in the first place...

and yes, i am very bitter towards both my birth parents - they disgust me - and the social work team who, from my point of view, used me and my family as tool for advancing a particular ideology. and its not one that had my welfare anywhere near the top of its priorities.

The_Conductor

OS119 wrote: »

imv, the 'whole family' movement and its appalling message that the adoptive parents are 'just looking after' the child until the birth family sort themselves out is driven by a entirely selfish desire by those who fundamentally failed their children to erase their own irrespponsibility and be given a free pass into the lives of people who were doing very well without them in spite of the circumstances of their birth.

This may be a view that some people propogate- however the inverse of this is the simple fact that adoption has historically been sold to adoptive parents (esp. those who for one reason or another are incapable of having biological children) that they are rescuing a child from whatever his or her destiny might be. There is seldom recognition of the socio-economic conditions that a birthmum might have found herself in- keep in mind that it was 1974 before we even allowed birthmums who choose to keep their children, claim social welfare benefits (and it was the early '80s before state discrimination against them ended- in conjunction with the overturning of the marriage ban).

Ireland was a vastly different place, with totally unfounded faith put in institutions that seem laughable in the modern world.

I don't fully understand how anyone could try to spin adoption as looking after a child until a birthfamily sorts itself out- that seems more akin to a legalised form of foster care with guardianship, than anything else? I'm sure there are folk out there who do this- but I really don't understand why?

There are no free passes for anyone in life- certainly not. I can understand why some adoptive parents might feel threatened by a birth parent making contact- as they might fear that it is an attempt by the birthparent to somehow establish themselves in the life of the adopted person, possibly usurping the parental role that is the rightful role of the adoptive parent. I'm sure in some cases that this does happen- however in other cases, this couldn't be further from what is intended.

Unfortunately life isn't black and white- and its also impossible to try to understand the motivations that might be driving someone to seek contact (be they either an adopted person, or a birth parent).

Barnados (Nora Gibbons et al) have held a series of workshops in the past to try to help adopted people, their adoptive parents and also birthparents, understand the positions that the other parties in the adoption, might be experiencing- and in my opinion, better understanding each other is key in any relationship.

Some people had wonderful experiences of adoption, other people not so good. Some birthparents viewed adoption as a method of getting rid of children- others found themselves in situations they had not expected and genuinely felt it was the only way they could give their child a reasonable life. Some adoptive parents were the most wonderful parents in the world- others simply wanted children and were for one reason or another incapable of conceiving them themselves. These are all extremes- most people were somewhere inbetween for any of these groups of people. We can't assume that we can automatically tag anyone or that their motivation was defined by any one thing in particular- without first understanding what drove them to make those decisions.

Life isn't black and white......

Ickle Magoo

smccarrick wrote: »

Life isn't black and white......

Precisely, which is why advising "all" adoptees to do something is so ignorant.

I'd add that some parents didn't make a decision at all, selfish or otherwise. Some like my wonderful biological parents had no choice in the matter as they had children forcibly removed for their own safety/welfare. How contact with them could ever be construed as cathartic is beyond me. :pac:

MaryMagdalene

Shane, as always a voice of reason - thanks

trixy

Hi Crea

I am adopted and have been searching fo r my BM for many years but only to answer questions the social workers wont answer. I have a wonderful life and adopted family, I dont like that term as is used a lot, to me they are just my family.

To answer your question, I have many reasons not wanting to meet her.
1. I dont know her.
2 I dont care about her.
3. Her life is probably not my business.
4. What kind of relationship would be have????
5. Would her expectations of me be too high?
6. Is she trying to justify to me why she gave me up?


Ideally I would rather I was given my medical records and other answers I require but have been lied to by social workers for 6 years.

Bascially, if she wanted to know how I was I would be willing to write a letter to her telling her how I am but wanting to bring this person into my life is a huge deal. My whole family would have to form a relationship with this woman and I would be the reason that would have to happen, I dont want to do this to the people I love the most in my life.

Your question is vey broad as it depends on peoples feelings and their own experiences.

We are all dealt different hands in this world and I believe I got one of the best hands.



Trixy

angel01

If I had the choice again, knowing what I know about my mother, I would say no because the worst thing is she came looking for me, we exchanged letters, pictures etc and met up quite a few times, then one day, kaput. Never heard from her again. So in this case, I would say no.

Some people don't have the right reasons for contacting a child/parent and in the end of the day, feelings can be hurt and I will never forgive her for what she did to me.

runway16

Angel, I completely relate. I met a very harsh woman who had been clearly hardened by the experience of having to give up a child, and unfortunately, I ended up becoming the victim of that harshness.

My life decended into total chaos afterward - it took me years to recover, and a long battle with depression. I simply wouldnt put myself through it had I known what it would end up like.

You must think really carefully before taking this step - and it should NEVER be done at the tender age of eighteen, or even in the twenties. Wait till you genuinly are "grown up" and able to cope with whatever it throws at you.

Ms Marple

runway16 wrote: »

You must think really carefully before taking this step - and it should NEVER be done at the tender age of eighteen, or even in the twenties. Wait till you genuinly are "grown up" and able to cope with whatever it throws at you.

Angel, Runway, am sorry to read of your experiences.
BM and I met a couple of times, but the contact didn't work out because of her circumstances. Obviously, I'd be lying if I said I'm not disappointed, but I also find it hard to visualise where our relationship could have gone. She's neither friend, nor family - and while I owe her my life, she wouldn't easily fit into mine, nor me into hers. To get back to Runway's point, I initiated the trace when I was 19, and met BM at 21. While I accept your point, I don't regret having started the ball rolling so young. Being busy in college, surrounded by supportive friends, helped me at the time and provided plenty of distraction. With hindsight (I'm 35 now), it was difficult to be faced with her reality then, but I honestly don't think I would have found it any easier now, even with the advantage of 15+ years.

Crea, re. OP, I didn't have that experience, but have friends who did.
Non-exhaustive list of reasons I might suggest are: fear of hurting your family, fear of BM's expectations/current circumstances/lifestyle, fear of hostile birth siblings/BM's current partner, fear of finding out upsetting stuff about your origins, fear of confronting any feelings of sadness/loss/anger/abandonment/bitterness, fear of being 'let down again' by BM, fear of engaging in a process that may/may not affect your life for years/forever. Ok, enough of the fear! Some adoptees just ain't too pushed either way; you could be so busy getting on with your own life that it may seem inconvenient /an option that just doesn't fit in with your current reality /a possibility that you've never considered and are taken aback by.
Everything is time, place and circumstance.

bryaner

Friend of mine tracked down his birth mother, she point blank did not want to have anything to do with him.

She also had a family after him, he was the only one she gave up and he was devastated. That's the only example I have and not a nice one..

ChocolateSauce

My BM is the foster sister of my AM (henceforth called my mother), so she was always in contact with my grandmother. She lives in California and I in Ireland, and I met her three times, at age 8, 16 and 21, but this is just because she was around my grandmother's house. I always knew she was my BM, but I was encouraged to view her as an aunt or cousin.

Anyway, to get to the point, I have no desire to see her or her other children. She's a fine lady, and last time I saw her we became drinking buddies, but I don't have any feelings for her nor she for me.

If I had never met her, I'd feel the same. My mother is the one who was my mother, not the BM. Her genetic relation means as much to me as my genetic relation to the guy living next door (except from a medical perspective!). When I was 8 I called her mom (it was the only time) because I had been told it was what she was, and it made me feel I had betrayed my real mother. It also made her very uncomfortable. She has nothing to offer me that I don't get from my mother. In fact, I thank my lucky stars I was adopted, because the upbringing I had was far superior to anything my BM could have offered, which is why I was put up of course.

This is why I wouldn't want to meet her if I hadn't already. I've never met my birth father, and I have even less desire to see him. When I was 21 I learned he threatened to murder my BM if she aborted me, and flew into a rage when he found out I had been taken to Ireland. Meeting him would mean meeting a violent, ignorant religious fundamentalist who would almost certainly be disgusted that his offspring turned out the way I did. I say offspring because the idea of writing "son" makes me cringe with distaste. If he ever tried to contact me I would refuse to speak with him.

My BM is happy with our current relation, but she, who is herself adopted, recently contacted her BM and family, and my biological paternal grandparents are apparently very interested in me. I might speak to them on the phone if they asked, but I already have a set of wonderful grandparents (sadly deceased) and I don't need more.

neelyohara

Interesting topic. I'm not an adoptee but I have experience of both sides of the spectrum. A mother who desperately searched for her parents (eventually a success... hurrah) and a cousin who has her BM information and address but has absolutely no intention of meeting her.

My cousin has said she feels no relationship to her mother and that she is very happy with her family as it is. On a personal note I do believe that there is a hint of resentment that she was given up for adoption but I do know she loves her adopted family.

Wester

The long and the short of it is, family is as much about identity as it is about biology/blood-lines etc. I was adopted almost from birth and as such my identity is bound up with my family, the only family I've ever known. I wouldn't for one moment ever describe them as my "adoptive" family, they're my family: full stop. So what need would I have to meet someone else who, after all, I've never known and who I would be unable to relate to at any level? Sure, in recent years I would have liked to have known my medical history, but them's the breaks!!