Feel completely unattached

LegacyUser

*Wow, I just kept on typing. I don't expect anyone to read all this, but if you do thanks a lot*

I'm 17, and lately I feel so unattached from everything. Family, friends, school... it's like I'm looking at everything in 3rd person.

My family is big. I have 1 full brother and numerous step/half brothers and sisters. My parents are divorced and both have re-married, and my grandparents are like a second set of parents. My life is split up between their three houses, I don't have a proper room and I pack up my stuff and switch houses every few days.

My mum's house is very posh, all of her money goes to the house and it's way bigger than it needs it to be. It's just like out of a magazine and it has to be kept that way, plenty of silly rules... it's a very cold place. Herself and her husband live in the sitting room with the big telly, my little brother has his own sitting room upstairs to play games etc. in. I try my best to keep the peace when I come here but I always get into some argument with my mum. I think I'm pretty mature for my age and I make a point of not initiating or intentionally causing any arguments but they always happen. The things she says used to really hurt me but they don't anymore. One that I always remember is: 'You're just like your damn father, the only thing is I can't bloody divorce you' or something along those lines. I come here, argue/be shouted at, leave for another house, tell myself I won't go back anytime soon to avoid arguments but after a few weeks I forget what it's like and go back.

My dad's house is pretty much the opposite. Small, cosy, affordable and not as segregated. My 2 little sisters live here and I look forward to spending time with them. They have their own little family unit and I'm happy for them. I'll stay here for a few days but then I kind of get pushed out. Obviously not literally, but after a few days my dad's wife usually wants their little family back and I get the impression I should leave. I'm not imagining things though, but I don't really care.

Then I go to my grandparent's house. My full brother lives here, I only mention 'full' because we have the same parents so he understands how my life works. He doesn't bother himself though, he's lived in my grandparent's for as long as I can remember. He might visit my mum/dad once a month or less, but doesn't stay over. He spends all his time on his college work to become a doctor. I feel bad for staying in my grandparent's house, they're retired and don't deserve to be acting like parents for us. I think of this place as a neutral ground, I can always come here but I feel guilty if I do.


Then there are my friends. I have lots of good friends in my school, we're all pretty close. The thing is we have different interests sometimes. Like now for example, everyone enjoys going out and drinking and having craic and all that, but I just never saw the fun in it. I don't really want to drink anytime soon and I can't really go out at 17. I'm not stuck up or anything I just don't see the fun in getting very drunk and all that, sometimes I feel left out but obviously that's my own fault like.


I'm used to packing my bags and moving houses now, I've always done it and I feel like I owe it to my little brothers and sisters. Every house has lots of other little problems that I guess only an outsider like me can see, and I like to go and make sure my brothers/sisters are alright. Sometimes though I wonder if I'm the problem? Everyone else except me and my brother have learnt to ignore how she looks for arguments, and he's learnt to keep her out of his life. Everything would be so much easier if I could just stick to 1 house and keep my head down, I hate causing problems.

Basically, I guess it's just all of this put together, but for the last few weeks I feel completely unattached. I don't care anymore that my mum tells me how **** of a teacher I'll be (I want to be a teacher) or anything else she does, I don't care that my dad has his own little family and I'm an outsider. I used to really care about a lot of things but I just... don't. In school lately I sometimes just sit there thinking about my life, but that's all that happens. I don't feel sad or happy when certain things happen, and I know I would've before. My friends think something's up because I sit there thinking and not really paying attention but I don't really think I should tell everyone my life story, don't want to bother anyone. I don't know why I'm being like this, any idea?

Chuchoter

That is a really complicated situation to be in, and frankly your parents have left you in an incredibly unfair limbo, and if I were you I would be so angry with them, but thats beside the point.

You need to pick a house to live in, all this instability would be damaging for anyone. Obviously, you feel comfortable nowhere, but I think that you shouldn't feel guilty for staying with your grandparents, they mind your brother and they love you as much as him, and you don't sound like that tough of a person to live with anyway! :P Sit your parents down and explain that this moving around is impractical and upsetting, and that you will not be doing it anymore. I assume you have a leaving cert to deal with as well, which is hard enough to do in one house let alone 3.

In terms in friends, I was stuck in the same situation last year. I thought we had a lot of the same interests,were close, but really I was the girl who sat with them at lunch and never spoke to them otherwise. All they wanted to do was drink and do drugs, and I simply was not interested (I am a terrible drunk, it makes me miserable). It meant that I basically had no life and never went out because I wasn't interested in all the drinking, and to be honest they weren't that bothered that I wasn't there. What I realized was that me feeling left out was less to do with the drinking and more to do with that they didn't care about me. So what I did was, I joined a sport (cliche advice I know, but it worked wonders) met a girl from my school and got in with her friends. None of them drink and they are so much nicer and include me way more. I think you should try find something like that, a sport, youth group, writers group etc.

In terms of the last thing you wrote, that sounds like if not the beginnings of depression, then someone a few years into it who is only noticing it now. You have to make a change in your life, even if it is hard.

<snip> Good luck :)

dan_d

OP, that's a really awkward situation that you're stuck in.

Firstly you need to find yourself a home. Somewhere that you're comfortable, that you can be yourself where you can relax. It sounds to me like you have a lot of houses but no home. If you don't want to stay with your mother, then quite honestly, don't. If you feel that your Dad's wife doesn't want you there - maybe have a quiet chat with your Dad, and ask him does his wife mind you being there? (Not argue, just ask). And talk to your grandparents - you say that you feel bad going there, but that feeling may just be in your own head. Your grandparents may have absolutely no problem with you there, but you won't find out til you talk to them. And talking to them will clear the air for you and let you know where you stand. If you feel that bad, you could always make a deal with them that you cook dinner twice a week, or clean the house or something to make things a bit easier for them.

You can always visit for an hour or two at weekends to the other places. You don't have to go and stay at them. But you need somewhere to base yourself OP, you have to have a place to call home. Especially since you're doing your LC..or will be next year...

Having done that...it sounds like these things are really bugging you outside your life. I remember being that age, and all the years that followed through college. I was never ever a big drinker. Not interested. I literally just ploughed my own furrow - after a while my friends understood that a couple of drinks in a night was okay for me and I'd still enjoy myself...that no matter what they said or did I wouldn't drink shots (and still don't to this day, at 28, regardless of whose company I'm in - I was recently out with a bunch of complete strangers who all bought a round of shots and I simply said no, I won't drink it, don't waste your money. They accepted that and that was it.) It's hard when you're 17....so much harder when you live in a country where drinking is a national pastime...but you can stand up, be yourself and still have friends and enjoy yourself. My little sister is now 19 and in college, and while she'll have a couple of drinks, she's got no problem stopping at that and just letting other people deal with it. It's a far bigger deal to have to carry someone home than it is to only have a couple of drinks and be sober leaving a place....unfortunately Irish people treat it like some kind of crime if you're not poisoning your liver every other day of the week.

Sorry I'm rambling. What I'm trying to say is that you just need to stand up for yourself and say yeah you'll go out, but only have a couple of drinks. It's totally okay. And eventually they will get the message and will shut up. You don't have to explain yourself and they don't have to understand...it's none of their business. It's your life, and you're a strong person.

As for not caring....maybe you should go and talk to someone OP. Things might be getting the better of you a bit. Even just a GP. You're not causing problems, you know. What you are doing is putting yourself at the mercy of the whims of everyone in your extended family, and they're taking advantage of you..while nobody is doing anything for you. Sometimes you just have to be a bit selfish, particularly when you're the one doing all the giving, and everyone else is doing all the taking. Your brothers and sisters will be just fine without you staying over all the time. They are not your responsibility, they are the responsibility of their parents. You need to look after you for now, particularly with exams in the near future.

So start by talking to your grandparents (as that sounds like where you'd most like to live) and tell them exactly what you've said here - that you feel bad imposing on them all the time. See what they say. And once you've sorted out somewhere to live, maybe think about seeing a doctor for a chat. And work on getting your exams and going to do teaching. And ignore your mother...a visit for a few hours once every couple of weekends is probably about all she's worth if that's how she's treating you. You'll soon see that their lives will all continue on just fine and you'll feel under a lot less stress yourself.

Taltos

I am totally with the 2 posters above on this OP.

You need to start making some tough calls and communicating.
It really seems like you have been placed into an intolerable position and all because your parents are both too lazy to do anything about it - either assuming the other will sort things out or that you will shout if you need help...

I am going to suggest you talk first to your Grandparents - let them know how you feel - how you love them but that you feel guilty at imposing on them. In all of this they do seem to be the one source of stability in your life - they have already helped your brother and from your post I can see no reason why they will not help you too...
In fact the pattern your brother is following is one you may want to consider emulating.

Go visit each parent when YOU choose. Just for a few hours - enough to maintain and build contacts but not enough that they (your horrifying mother) starts snapping or your start imagining that you are imposing on them.. I mean FGS - you are their daughter - you have every right to "impose" on her life. To be honest her comments about being unable to divorce you - well there's some verbal abuse if ever I heard any.

Talk to your Grand-parents and choose where to stay and I mean stay. It will be tough at first - but you need to stop doing what you think others want you to do and do what makes you happy for a change. All this jumping back and forth is only going to destroy you.

EDIT: Assumed you were female from mother conversations - apologies did not consciously mean to do this.

Fittle

Firstly OP, I'm old enough to be your mum, and if I was, I'd give you a big hug, because that's what you need:)
Secondly, I've read your post a few times, and I thought you were male, but someone just mentioned that you're female, so pardon me if I'm wrong.

Your opening sentence OP - where you say 'I don't really expect anyone to read this...', it screams of lack of self-worth. Even on an internet forum, you assume your post isn't worthy of reading:(. You ARE worth as much as every other person in this world OP, and you deserve to be loved and cared for by both your parents. You deserve that - start believing you deserve it. We all deserve that, as a minimum, however, some of us don't get it.

Unfortunately, both your parents seem so caught up in their own familes, that they have passed the buck of their responsibility to you, back and forward.

I don't know what age you were when they seperated OP, but you must have been pretty young if they both have a lot of children now - so you have had to suffer the seperation of your parents at a young age, and it appears that neither of them had the sense to take responsibility for YOU! How selfish of them.

I agree entirely with what others have said here OP - you need stability, so you need to talk to someone about what house you would prefer to live in full time. I am going to disagree with others here and say speak to your dad. You said you feel happy there, but that you feel the wife pushes you out after a few days? Does she actually say anything to make you feel this way? Or is this just your feelings of 'Im not worthy of staying here forever' that make you feel that way? You sound like you're happy there, with your little sisters, so I'd suggest you chat to your dad.

Your mum sounds like a selfish woman OP - I'd do as your brother does, and visit once in a while, and in time, you'll learn how to turn yourself off from her insults.

So talk to one of them OP (perhaps your grandparents, if you prefer however), and find a home to begin with. Once you begin to get some stability in your life, see if your mood changes. I'm not sure of the mention of depression here - I just think all that packing and moving from house to house with have the happiest person in the world, feeling pretty stressed! I wish you all the best OP:)

LegacyUser

Hi guys, OP here. Thanks a lot for taking the time to reply, they've all been very helpful. Just to let you know, I am a male.

I don't understand why all these things have bothered me lately. I've been fine for the last 17 years, all of a sudden I have problems! I know I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I should be and I'm trying to get over it but it just isn't working. Today I spent most of my day at school just thinking about this stuff, and people noticed I'm not my usual self. I don't know what to say if people ask me what's wrong. I'm now mad at myself that everyone noticed that I must have some problem, I'm sure everyone else has problems of their own so why can't I just ignore it as usual? I tried really hard to block these problems out today but it just wouldn't work.

I guess everyone who's told me to talk to my grandparents are right. I just don't like anything changing because of me. I'd hate it if some problem then arises in my grandparents' house, then I would definitely be the cause of everything.

But even then, if I talk to my grandparents and stay there, there'll be different problems. I won't be able to see my little brothers/sisters without going to my mum's house and she'll be much worse since she'll see me even less. The only way I see that I can get to spend time with my brothers/sisters is if I act like I always have and just get over everything, but all this stuff just won't get out of my head!

dan_d

Eh op.....do you realise that this is not a normal situation to be in?That you shouldn't have to just 'get it out of your head'?You're running yourself down terribly in your response...basically saying that you're bothered by this stuff but you don't want to put anyone else out so you keep on being miserable instead.
OP please listen to me.You're a person too. You're entitled to have a life, have a home.You're not put on the planet to keep your mother happy constantly.You really need to talk to someone to try and settle yourself somewhere.You've got exams and they will be quite stressful...you owe it to yourself to be able to give them your best shot, and you won't be able to do that in your current situation.
OP I'm a girl and my way of thinking is similar to yours in some ways.I constantly spend my time thinking I must be annoying everyone, that nobody can possibly like me, that I'm just in the way the whole time. My Oh keeps telling me to stop being so ridiculous.....most of these thoughts are actually in our own heads.You don't know how people feel until you talk to them.You really have to talk to someone and settle yourself somewhere...sooner or later this was all going to catch up with you, you can't keep running around after everyone else like this.
Best of luck OP.You're a person too, please believe it's not just something you have to bury and 'get over'.The stress of it will catch up to you sooner or later...deal with it now, get it over with, and do your exams and get on with your life.

JuliusCaesar

This may not be much use to you, but years ago someone was discussing the outcome of divorce and children moving house twice a week, suggested that actually it would be better if the children stayed in one house and the parents moved in and out.

That really made parents think about what they are expecting of their children!

It might help your parents think about your situation.

FoxT

OP, my heart goes out to you. I have 3 sons, 2 of whom are about your age, and while I am now 46, I haven't forgotten what it was like, being 17!

You are uncomfortable in each house, and have nowhere that you feel you really belong. You want to try & settle but you are then torn by your wish to spend time with your brothers & sisters, whom you love. You find it hard to connect socially with people because of the drink culture....and you are 17, which is a tough enough age at the best of times with school & social pressures & changes happening fast.

You also seem to undervalue yourself, and the tone of your post suggests that no matter which home you are in, you are always thinking of other people & how they feel about you being there. This is terrible!

I wonder if you have an adult who knows your family situation, that you can confide in? Ideally it would be your mum or dad, and it sounds like you have a difficult relationship with your mum. What about your dad? Having an adult on your side will help you to work out the best living arrangement for you, and , crucially, may also be able to advise you & help you communicate your decision to your grandparents & your parents.

Best of luck,


- FoxT

Little Acorn

OP your post makes me feel like crying. This is an incredibly unfair situation you have been put in.
Why should your parents think that it acceptable to just move on with their "new" families and just leave you and your brother out?

You are worth so much more than that, so please don't judge how valuable you are based on how your parents treat you, because if anything it only shows up how lacking they are regarding parenting, and is no reflection on you or your brother, and is not your fault at all.

Decide on where you would like to live, your grandparents or your father's. After making your decision, discuss this with them to make arrangements.
You might just be paranoid about thinking that your Dad's wife doesn't want you staying there,
BUT even if you are not, I wouldn't let this stop you discussing the option of living there with your father.
When she married your father, she knew he had a child, so she has no right to expect him to just put HER kids with him, before his previous children.
You are only 17 and have every right to live with your father if you wish to.
This is something that she should understand, and whilst it might take her a little bit of getting used to, I think it could work-because she seems to like you already, and you are also close to your sisters living there.

Also you shouldn't feel guilty about where you choose to live. The only people who should feel guilty are the people who put you in this situation, and who are not dealing with their responsibility of being a parent.
I'm sure your grandparents also love you very much, and probably would have said if they couldn't cope with you there, -they haven't so I wouldn't worry about that.

For your brothers/sisters that live with your mum, you could visit them in the evenings or at weekends without actually staying there. Maybe even offer to babysit for a few hours occasionally? When they are older, they will be able to come and visit you and spend more time together.

Regarding your friends you said that you have lots of good friends and that you are very close, so I'd say they will probably just respect the fact that you don't want to drink.

They're not going to be drinking every evening, so enjoy all of your non drinking socializing time together with your friends, and if you feel that they are starting to spend more time drinking when out than not drinking and going out, then just tell them you feel a bit left out, and would like to do more types of things together, like cinema or whatever.
I seriously doubt they will mind doing this and splitting their time a bit if they are good friends.

Hope everything works out for you.

silkworm53

unregistered wrote: »

*Wow, I just kept on typing. I don't expect anyone to read all this, but if you do thanks a lot*

I'm 17, and lately I feel so unattached from everything. Family, friends, school... it's like I'm looking at everything in 3rd person.

My family is big. I have 1 full brother and numerous step/half brothers and sisters. My parents are divorced and both have re-married, and my grandparents are like a second set of parents. My life is split up between their three houses, I don't have a proper room and I pack up my stuff and switch houses every few days.

My mum's house is very posh, all of her money goes to the house and it's way bigger than it needs it to be. It's just like out of a magazine and it has to be kept that way, plenty of silly rules... it's a very cold place. Herself and her husband live in the sitting room with the big telly, my little brother has his own sitting room upstairs to play games etc. in. I try my best to keep the peace when I come here but I always get into some argument with my mum. I think I'm pretty mature for my age and I make a point of not initiating or intentionally causing any arguments but they always happen. The things she says used to really hurt me but they don't anymore. One that I always remember is: 'You're just like your damn father, the only thing is I can't bloody divorce you' or something along those lines. I come here, argue/be shouted at, leave for another house, tell myself I won't go back anytime soon to avoid arguments but after a few weeks I forget what it's like and go back.

My dad's house is pretty much the opposite. Small, cosy, affordable and not as segregated. My 2 little sisters live here and I look forward to spending time with them. They have their own little family unit and I'm happy for them. I'll stay here for a few days but then I kind of get pushed out. Obviously not literally, but after a few days my dad's wife usually wants their little family back and I get the impression I should leave. I'm not imagining things though, but I don't really care.

Then I go to my grandparent's house. My full brother lives here, I only mention 'full' because we have the same parents so he understands how my life works. He doesn't bother himself though, he's lived in my grandparent's for as long as I can remember. He might visit my mum/dad once a month or less, but doesn't stay over. He spends all his time on his college work to become a doctor. I feel bad for staying in my grandparent's house, they're retired and don't deserve to be acting like parents for us. I think of this place as a neutral ground, I can always come here but I feel guilty if I do.


Then there are my friends. I have lots of good friends in my school, we're all pretty close. The thing is we have different interests sometimes. Like now for example, everyone enjoys going out and drinking and having craic and all that, but I just never saw the fun in it. I don't really want to drink anytime soon and I can't really go out at 17. I'm not stuck up or anything I just don't see the fun in getting very drunk and all that, sometimes I feel left out but obviously that's my own fault like.


I'm used to packing my bags and moving houses now, I've always done it and I feel like I owe it to my little brothers and sisters. Every house has lots of other little problems that I guess only an outsider like me can see, and I like to go and make sure my brothers/sisters are alright. Sometimes though I wonder if I'm the problem? Everyone else except me and my brother have learnt to ignore how she looks for arguments, and he's learnt to keep her out of his life. Everything would be so much easier if I could just stick to 1 house and keep my head down, I hate causing problems.

Basically, I guess it's just all of this put together, but for the last few weeks I feel completely unattached. I don't care anymore that my mum tells me how **** of a teacher I'll be (I want to be a teacher) or anything else she does, I don't care that my dad has his own little family and I'm an outsider. I used to really care about a lot of things but I just... don't. In school lately I sometimes just sit there thinking about my life, but that's all that happens. I don't feel sad or happy when certain things happen, and I know I would've before. My friends think something's up because I sit there thinking and not really paying attention but I don't really think I should tell everyone my life story, don't want to bother anyone. I don't know why I'm being like this, any idea?

You are becoming more independent and maturing.
When you finish school and go to college you will be a lot more independent that lots of guys your own age who are smothered by their family.
You don't follow the leader and get drunk with your friends.
That's real maturity especially at 17 when lots of young lads haven't a clue who they are.
You are your own man and you want to do your own thing without being dependent on other people. That's good.
You don't feel sad or happy when certain things happen because of experience.
That doesn't mean there is anything wrong. It might mean you are emotionally stable and have a cool head.
That's a blessing rather than curse.
The main thing is that you seem bored and want to move on.
You are right on the cusp of change - you will soon be finishing school and you will be going to college and your whole life will open up.
You can break free from your family, have your own place and your own life. Look forward to that.

pwd

I would say move in with your grandparents until you've finished school, and probably aim to go to college in a different county/country if possible then.

As others say, you don't seem to value yourself much. I would go further with that and say you need to think of yourself more too - as in your own needs. You don't need to be a burden to your grandparents. Maybe they even like having you there. You probably feel that you're imposing with them just because you are made unwelcome in your parents' houses. Do chores round the house and be nice, and the odds are good they'd be delighted you're there.

LegacyUser

Sorry to bring this back up again!

I haven't really said anything to them but I now stay in my grandparents nearly all the time. It's the closest house to my school and I like to walk so that's handy. Thanks everyone for your advice. Today I brought my little brother out for the day instead of hanging out with him at my mother's house. There were still lots of problems with her today but at least I'm not in her house surrounded by them.

Maybe it will take some time, but I still feel detatched, 'numb' to things. I hear people complain about things that everyone else seems to find so interesting/problematic but I just feel indifferent to everything. There was a storm last week that everyone gave out about and stayed indoors, whereas I didn't even consider it a problem. I have my grads next Friday, I try to put on a front that I'm excited and all that but I honestly don't feel anything...

Last week I was walking home from school, it was lashing rain but that didn't bother me. I got completely drinched by a massive truck speeding through a massive puddle. All I could do was smile and laugh for the rest of the day. It felt like the clouds had parted or something and all my problems felt so insignificant. The next day in school I was in such a good mood, everybody noticed and mentioned how 'depressed' I've been the last few weeks.

Unfortunately that feeling wore off... I'm afraid that I'll just keep going on having random burts of happiness but mostly feeling numb to everything. Hopefully I'll eventually get back to normal...


About moving out for college: I'm in Galway and NUIG is the best choice for what I want to do (heaviest emphasis on Irish), I never really considered moving out for college until recently. I don't think I could move out but stay in Galway, it'd be a waste of money since my grandparents live right near the college. I could go to Dublin or something, I don't know, it would cause so much trouble with my family and I hate being the cause of any hassle.

JuliusCaesar

I'm so glad to hear this. Keep it up and you'll be feeling more in control of your life.

Try to get into the college that has the best reputation for your subject. The money can be sorted out later. Who knows you could be eligable for a bursary or scholarship?! And if NUIG is best, then your grandparents' house is best too. Good luck!