I feel so awful... help...

LegacyUser

I've tried to start a thread many times, but always end up not being able to publish or being too upset to finish it.

Im 24, about a year ago I got diagnosed with a very serious illness, it led me to having many different operations and spending a good 6 months in hospital. I had just graduated from a MSci and was in the process of looking for a job. The illness left my memory not great and parts of my life I dont recall. It now takes a bit more time to remeber things and they can come back very suddenly. Iv been to see a psycologist as part of my recovery, not counciling, only an assesment. They explained to me that most of the memories that my brain had trained itself to repress throughout the years, now had come back to the forfront and I had to basicly start all over again.

Heres the thing, when I was quite young I was badly bullied over the course of about 5 or 6 years. Throughout school I felt awful every day and barely spoke. I felt the whole school was laughing at me. Even the teachers didnt help me and never encouraged me. I feel psyicaly sick right now when I think about it.

So now, becouse of the illness, I have to go through these feelings again. There are nights at home now that I sit and cry for hours. Even the simplist things will tip me off. Being in the same town as I went to school in, even looking at photos of me during the time. Iv had to move home now since being in hospital, so Im back looking at the same faces I escaped from when I went to college. Its awful. I feel Im back to the way I was 10 years ago, with nothing to show for it. I still look awful, have no husband or partner, have no money, cant psyically drive, I am in no way any better than these people and all I am known as is "that poor girl that got sick". People talk to my parents like I am already dead. I just dont know what to do.
Can anyone help me? just even suggest somthng.

kylith

I really don't know what to say other than *hug*

Maybe talk to a councellor about how your feeling. Maybe they could suggest some way over this.

LegacyUser

I went through the same thing more or less, although my memories didnt flood back. But i got svery sick while finishing college...from a small town and all found out, got lots of sympathethic looks and when I met people they seemed suprised coz they thought I had died, then said that to me when they met me!! its a very very tough time, and you may feel like you have fallen into a black home and you cant see a way out...all i can say is things do get worked through, time does make things easier and someday what you are going through now will just be a memory and you life will have moved on....its not easy to see that now, but stay positive. Dont get me wrong living with an illness is always hard, but someone else always has things harder! you can work through this. Only you can pick yourself up and dust yourself down! I might sound harsh, but ive been there! I understand whats required! I also understand how lonely it can be and how isolated you feel. how hard it is to paint a amile on your face and see people. The worry etc....
but as I said, some day it will be a memory and time will have made it easier....

Focus on people that understand you, stop thinking about people that dont matter to you or things that happened years ago. All that is important is what is happenening right now, not yesterday, not a year ago and not when you were in school. Today is most important, so enjoy now! and you should focus on planning for tomorrow! try not to dwell on the past as if you do the emotions from then will surround you. You cant change the past, so try to move past it. If needs be write about it, write down all the things that happened to you and how you felt, but the letter in a box and bury it or get rid of it. Then consciously put an end to the past. Thats was then and this is now. Look after your health and look forwards! be good to yourself now!

Lillian123

Hi there,

It must be really hard for you having to deal with people speaking about you as if you are already gone. It is very difficult when you have an illness that leaves you with very little freedom to get out and about.

Here is my suggestion:

Would it be possible for you to move away from home and get the dole/disability and rent allowance? and live with maybe one or two other people just to get some headspace and try and deal with everything, away from all the people you don't need to be around.

I hope you are ok and things get easier for you