Lost & in need of guidance

CuriousE

Just looking for advice from people who don't know me or those involved

In short - met a truely wonderful guy 7 months ago & fell head over heels in love with him.

However about a month ago, my ex got in touch, saying he had made the biggesst mistake of his life by letting me go, wants marriage & children etc etc & he's not taking no for an answer...the afore mentioned were the only reasons we broke up....basically he wasn't ready.

As of last evening I finished the relationship with the new guy because I need some headspace & i felt I wasn't being fair to him.

I don't know what to do. My new BF is separated after 8 yrs of marriage, so commitment like that would be years down the line for us, not that its a huge deal for me anyway & as he said we don't need to be married to start a family or move in together.
Am I insane to even contemplate what my ex is offering??? I went to pieces when we broke up!!!!!

I'm heartbroken & confused, so any insightful, mature help would be greatly appreciated. I'm 36 so not young & immature....just lost.

LighterGuy

Well they say "ex's are ex's for a reason" .. its an old cliche but its true.
You dont state why you two originally broke up. however, you indicate a bit of time (at least 7 months)

Op, no one can tell you whats the right decison here. However my personal view would be that this ex took 7 months to tell you his so called "feelings" and what he wants - I would take that with a pinch of salt. You say you are 36 so I imagine he is around that age too. I would be automatcially thinking that a late 30's/early 40s man back on the dating scene for 7 months wants to go back to the security he had, aka you, because of how crap the dating game can be/ and or bad experiences.

And as for the new boyfriend? ... you dated him for 7 months and the ex popped back around a month ago. So you spent 4 weeks thinking about it and broke up with him to see whats better to choose... :rolleyes:

7 months isnt exactly a long time but its enough to know if you want someone, even can be enough time to develop. As you say "you feel head over heels for him and love him" but you dumped him so easily?!?! well do him a favor and dont ever go back to him.

CuriousE

Lighterguy - Breaking up with the new guy was not done lightly, it tore me to pieces, but I totally understand where you're coming from....thanks for your input

My ex is 32.....

Sardonicat

He's not taking no for an answer, eh? Was happy enough to say no to you when marraige and kids came up. When he saw you with some one else he says "jump" and you ask "how high"? Sounds like he doesn't want you to be with anyone else and is telling you all the things he thinks you want to hear. Saying he won't except "no" is red falg behaviour, imo.

LegacyUser

Really tough decision to make. Easy for other people to condemn your ex and say 'well he didn't have any problem dumping you, etc etc', but still... they don't know him or the situation as well as you do.

I guess what it comes down to, OP, is how soon you want kids. And who you want the father to be. That's the thing that would be weighing most heavy on my mind, not even marriage... I just wouldn't want to throw away the opportunity to have kids. It'd be a huge deal for me. You still have a few years left, of course, but is there any guarantee that guy #2 will definitely want to commit to having kids after a separation and the fact that he already has kids himself?

CuriousE

hey toughone #2 doesn't have any kids & yes people are quick to judge either due to their own experiences or due to lack of faith in mankind.

#1 would never take asking me to marry him lightly, he had always said he wanted to be 110% certain before he asked anyone & thats what he's done. he has spent the time we split up on his own trying to sort his head/feelings out. he's not an a@@hole in the slightest treated me with the utmost love & respect when we were together.

They are both very kind, loving, generous, thoughtful souls & I feel privileged to have both of them love me...this is why I am lost

LegacyUser

The key question here is: what made the first guy change his mind? And more importantly, why has it taken him 7+ months to have this epiphany?

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I was in a similiar situation to your original ex. I was with a girl for a couple of years and the next step for us was marriage, kids etc. We were both in our later 20's at the time. In my head i just wasnt ready for all that stuff so i decided to end it with her.
It ended up being the worse thing i ever did.

I guess some fella's mature at different rates and it was only when i was apart from her for a good while i realised what a mistake i had made.

As everybody mentions here every situation is different. It sounds like you still have feelings for your original ex and thats why you have now taken a break from your current relationship to think about things.
You also know your original ex better than us. Did he know you were seeing someone else when he told you all this......If the answer happens to be no then maybe you should give him a chance to explain himself.

Give yourself a bit more time to think things over but if i were you i defo wouldnt rule him out of the picture.......Even just meet up and have a chat...Obviously a lot of talking and feelings would have to be discussed.

Best of luck with it all

FayeRayRay

I agree I think ex's are ex's for a reason.

Never leave the one you love for the one you like !

Zen65

CuriousE wrote: »

I'm heartbroken & confused, so any insightful, mature help would be greatly appreciated. I'm 36 so not young & immature....just lost.

How long were you with #1 before you broke up? Long enough to be sure that he would be a good husband, father, provider, etc? Did you get on well with his family & friends? Are there practical implications for you like moving to a new location, etc??

If it helps, you seem to be in a position where there is no wrong answer. Unfortunately there is also no right answer. Either of these men sound like they would be good partners for you. If you want children however, you would need to start soon to improve their prospects for health and general outlook.

Remember, there are no soul mates, just good & bad choices.

Best of luck,

Z