vaginismus

LegacyUser

This is a ridiculous post and I kind of know the answer I'm going to get, but basically ... to start, I am a virgin, unfortunately [and not by choice!] and I was seeing a guy during the summer, and anytime we tried to have sex we just couldn't, so I went to the doctor and I was diagnosed with vaginismus and the guy ended up breaking up with me because of it. So I was very angry and bitter when I realised he was only with me for sex, as you would be!

I gave up on the idea of trying to get a boyfriend until I get this sorted out, but recently I've started seeing a guy who is a little bit sex-mad, but all is going well and we seem to like each other. But is there any point in continuing this to the point where he finds out I can't have sex and breaks up with me? It's stupid isn't it? but I haven't met a guy that i like this much in a long while, but at the same time I don't want to trick him into a relationship [if it even gets that far!] and then drop that on him, it wouldn't be fair.

So what should I do? cut my losses or see where this goes??

kjl

Hate to break it OP, but all guys are sex mad. But that doesn't mean that all guys are jerks like your other bf.

You need to talk to your current bf and explain the situation to him. There are plenty of other things you can do that don't involve vaginal penetration.

seamus

vaginismus wrote: »

I gave up on the idea of trying to get a boyfriend until I get this sorted out, but recently I've started seeing a guy who is a little bit sex-mad, but all is going well and we seem to like each other. But is there any point in continuing this to the point where he finds out I can't have sex and breaks up with me? It's stupid isn't it? but I haven't met a guy that i like this much in a long while, but at the same time I don't want to trick him into a relationship [if it even gets that far!] and then drop that on him, it wouldn't be fair.

As kjl says, the vast majority of men could probably be classed as "sex mad". That doesn't mean that we're only after one thing, but an hour will rarely pass where we haven't though about it, when we're walking down the street, we're checking out any women who are attractive, and when it's offered by our other halves, we take it.

You're at the start of a relationship with a guy. He finds you attractive, he wants to have sex with you. That's not all he wants, it's just one aspect of his attraction to you, but it's especially strong at the start of any relationship - every time he sees you, he just wants to go somewhere private and tear all your clothes off.

No, it doesn't mean that he'll run if he can't get it, but there's an odd tone in your post - you seem to be suggesting that you can't ever have sex. Which as you know isn't true. You have a medical condition which impedes your ability to have sex, but it can be worked on. If you let him know about this (doesn't have to be right away), then any decent guy will wait for you and help you to work through this problem - besides, you can always engage in non-pentrative sex which will keep any guy happy.

I don't know what age you are, but there's no harm in continuing to see the guy. When it gets to that time, then you can explain to him what the story is.

LegacyUser

Hi,

My g/f has vaginismus. We realised it at the start of our relationship (3 months in). We are now going out for almost 6 years.

There's loads of treatment options out there (vaginal trainers/surgery etc), but it takes a bit of time.

If he's the right guy, he should wait. Plus there's lots of ways to have a healthy sex-life without penetrative sex. Just talk to him about the issue.

Hope this helps,
J

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I was in your position about a year ago and I'd had relationships fail because of my vaginismus. It was only when I met a guy I really liked last Christmas that I realised I needed to bite the bullet and actually do something about overcoming it.

Read this to understand more... I know it might be hard to believe, but it can be beaten.

http://howibeatvaginismus.blogspot.com/

LegacyUser

This is far more common than you think- People just dont speak about it. If your in Dublin, call the well woman centre tomorrow and ask to make an appointment with Dr Eimear. You dont need to explain why when making the appointment.

http://www.wellwomancentre.ie/index.php?p=services&q=counselling

forget the guy a a second- You need to address the underlying issue. This a very successful treatment. Make the appointment, dont wait for the issue 'to go away'.

Sorry if i seem a bit harsh but i was in the same position and waited for the issue to go away...it doesnt, you need to address it to solve it

LegacyUser

OP again! Oh I know all guys are sex mad, but I don't think that's a bad thing seeing as lots of us girls are too, I just wish this..nuisance came with a book on etiquette or something! I know it can be sorted out but I'm just wondering whether there's any point in continuing seeing someone who not only thinks about sex constantly but talks about it too, if the best I can offer him is sex in a few weeks/months/years. I wish I didn't have to, but I've kind of convinced myself not to bother with this guy anymore. That's a bit harsh but even as another poster said there's lots of ways to have a healthy sex life in a relationship without full sex itself, i don't really think that would cut the mustard with guys like this...unfortunately! and I'm 21 by the way.

seenitall

OP, you are still very young and it really doesn't matter if you stay with this guy or not, so much as it does for you to tackle your vaginismus head-on.

Actually, you are perhaps best doing it when you are out of any kind of relationship, because then you don't have to consider anyone's feelings and needs except your own, and so are more free to concentrate on conquering vaginismus.

Whatever you do, take the other posters' advice to heart, they have been through it and know what they are talking about. You first need to sort your problem out, you owe it to yourself first of all, everything else will follow naturally from being happy in yourself and feeling like a fully functioning, sexual human being.

Best wishes!

LegacyUser

OP, agree with seenitall - it doesn't really matter if you're with someone or not. If you think he's going to pressure you into it, maybe it's best to end things for the time being.

On the other hand, it's a double-edged sword because during the time I was single, I had no motivation to get my vaginismus treated. As I said, it was only when I met someone I really liked and didn't want to lose because of the vaginismus, that prompted me to get it sorted once and for all.

I would advise you to look into treatment - whether it's with a sex counsellor, doctor, or your own research - ASAP, in any case. Not for anyone else, but for yourself. I really, really, really wish I'd sorted it out sooner rather than later, because I'm annoyed at myself for missing out on years of sex! It's fun! And the longer you leave it without getting it sorted, the more of a problem it will become in your own head. You owe it to yourself to have a healthy sex life - for you, not just for your partner, or future prospective partners

LegacyUser

As for when to tell the guy I would mention it when you can see the relationship getting physical. When he starts broaching the subject of sex then you should tell him.

Going unreg for this. My girlfriend has Endometriosis, which can make sex very painful. She has mentioned that in the past she has lost boyfriends because of it. In fact when she started puberty and tried to use tampons she involuntary tensed up and seemed to have sub-consciously trained herself to tense up when it came to inserting anything into her vagina.

She:
Practised pelvic exercises, tensing and releasing muscles (sorry but I can't remember the name of them);
Bought different sized carrots, aubergines and cucumbers and slowly worked from small to large;
Got on top and was in complete control when it came time for penetration. (Try to get your man to lay as still as possible. The first few times might be hard as I involuntarily started to thrust and had to reign myself in.)

So with her I have to do lots of foreplay and clitoral stimulation. I took things slow and didn't pressure her and I think that this paid off in the end as she trusted me even more because of that and this allowed her to relax with me.

We now have a good sex life. Admittedly it takes more effort with her than it did with other women but I think the relationship as a whole is worth it. That's the point, while sex is important it doesn't constitute a relationship.

LegacyUser

unreg'd, see that's the difficulty, this relationship (well, him really) has already gotten physical, which says it all really, so it might be best to give up now while I have the upper hand. And in general, this is probably enough motivation to start my treatment now. It just gets very depressing knowing that no matter how well things are going in a relationship, sex, or a lack of sex, will define it. Or so I've found. But hopefully that's just my age. Wish me luck :-) thank all.

seenitall

vaginismus wrote: »

And in general, this is probably enough motivation to start my treatment now. It just gets very depressing knowing that no matter how well things are going in a relationship, sex, or a lack of sex, will define it. Or so I've found. But hopefully that's just my age. Wish me luck :-) thank all.

Good news, OP.

And no, it is not "just your age". Sex really IS that important to most people throughout adulthood. But I have no doubt you will be grand and come out through the other side of vaginismus. There is no reason for you not to.

Good luck!

maameeo

OP dont finish the relationship over this please. I had vaginismus, i was with someone when i got it and he stuck by me. I got the training stuff but didnt really use them.
We broke up (nothing to do with the vaginismus) and a few months later i got with someone else. i was terrified for that moment, i hadnt tried in ages and was hoping beyond hope that it was gone and guess what! gone, no problems with this boyfriend at all!

I truly believe its our subconcious, I knew i wasnt in love with the first guy, i knew it was wrong, i tired and tried but i couldnt.

so what im saying it, you just dont know, this new guy, you said you like him more than any other guy before, you might relax with him, you might find you've over come it.

hope you are doing ok hun, take care xxx