I slept with a prostitute, and wrecked my life and my love

pooley

4 months ago, the girl I love broke up with me, justifiably, because I hurt her. We had met whilst both studying the same course, and when we got together, she had already been besotted with me for some time. We we're together for about a year, and although things were very happy, it later transpired that we had both kept our feelings too close to our chests, neither one of us wanting to 'rock the boat', so to speak, for fear of upsetting what we had. In hindsight, a regrettable aspect, though obviously not as regrettable as what was to come. After a year of being together, I made the desicion that I was happy enough on my own, and one night I foolishly took the chance to break things off. I certainly don't want to make excuses for my actions, and well know that at the time the desicion seemed right, but again, this is why hindsight is a fickle friend at times like this. Anyway, to continue, we were apart for about 6 months during which time we both saw different people. This however, is where the story becomes complicated, as seemingly do all stories when relationships are concerned. During our time apart (this is where hindsight comes into play again), I began to realise what it was I was missing. As I know everyone says in a situation like this, I began to get a sense how important her being in my life was to me.

I won't waste your time the usual opining, but just as everyone else who has loved and lost can attest, she means a great deal to me and we share a whole world in common. So far, so standard. It was during this time however, that I made my gravest mistake, as if splitting up the first time wasn't enough of one. About 4 months into being apart, I had been spending my time going out, partying, telling myself I was better off 'young, free and single'. A great delusion, masterfully pulled. It didn't last long. I had been living on my own for a while, spending too many days smoking too much weed, taking prescription drugs, and watching porn. Again, so far, so standard, at least from a tradionally idiotic male viewpoint. I would advise anyone against this route of casual entertainment. Drugs and porn do not a happy man make. Anyway, it sounds like i'm attempting to make excuses again, so I will endevour to continue. After saturating myself in such nonsense for a few weeks, I started getting numbers of call-girls from the internet, initially merely for the added frission it gave to the notion of fantasy. Again however, a big mistake. Despite not acting out on any impulse, I found myself, after a particularly heavy weekend out with friends, in a position where I did choose to give one of these people a call, and ended up visiting a prostitute. There's no point in claiming inebriation/loneliness/any other excuse to justify what I did. There are always other factors, but the main driving force, at the time, was a mixture of arousel and curiosity.

I have to mention here, that despite claims of curiosity, it was not the first time this had happened, although it is not however a habitual act. It has happened once before when, as a younger man I was taken by "friends" to visit a prostitute to loose my virginity. Not an experience I wish to recall, and now, viewing the ruin of recent months, not an experience that has been of any benefit, although maybe I didn't learn from it soon enough. Anyway, back to the present. Having taken it upon myself to pay for sex again, I found myself feeling dirty, guilty, ashamed, an endless list of regret. So I decided to do the only thing I thought I could do, and bury it down deep, pretending it had never happened. A plan which, as stupid as it may have been, seemed to work, for a while. A couple of months after this had happened, through some stroke of divine providence, my ex and me somehow managed to find our way back to one another. Obviously, having instigated the break-up initially, I felt supremely gratefull, and we took things slowly, but as it progressed we started to really do things right, and were both feeling hopefull and happy.

This is where the phrase 'be sure your sins shall find you out' really hits home. A text to my phone from the prostitute i'd visted was found by my girlfriend. Stupidly, instead of coming clean then and there, my belief in the ability of self-denial, coupled with cowardice of course, meant that I attempted to brush it off as a wrong number. Again, just another mistake I made that I should never have done. Instead of owning up, I simply made out that nothing was wrong, which simply caused my poor love a week of secret anguish as she cleverly put 2 and 2 together, and with the help of internet search engines, worked out what I had done. Two weeks after the 'mis-sent text', we were finished. Four months after that, I'm heartbroken still. Now I know that having done what I've done, I don't really have much, if any defence. She has got on with her life, started seeing someone else, and is, on the most part doing well. I, however, have taken longer, and am still very much in love with her, for what good it does either of us though, i'm not sure. Despite everything, I still hold on to the slightest hope that we can get back together. I know it's the same old refrain, but everyone has to have hope.

We still spend time together, and still make plans for the future, still laugh and enjoy each others company, still cuddle on the sofa and I think we're still both important people in each others lives. I know she is still angry, and I don't question that for a second. I know nothing will change soon, but really I don't want to spend my life with anybody else, so I guess i'm in this world of hope and disappointment for the long haul. Maybe things will work out, all I know is I can only keep trying. I hope i've recounted everything as clearly as possible. I don't really know what kind of advice I should expect. I fully acknowledge the idiocy of my actions. I wish i'd never made the mistakes i've made, as now i'm reaping all that i've sown. I guess I just want some cause for hope, because at the moment, that's all I can hope for.

Overheal

Well I think you pegged the first and foremost problem, you were too closed-off from eachother. Something to work on, and at least you seem able to identify where you went wrong and where you can improve.

But can I ask why you guys are still cuddling? That doesn't sound like Moving On. She's seeing other people, I'd ask what she's thinking. But you my friend, how can you expect to move on while you're still cuddling together, even as "just friends"? That road ends nowhere but a hard wall down a narrow alley.

Cheap Thrills!

op, no offence but that's a bit of a storm in a teacup after the huge build-up.

I think the ex is being a bit melodramatic and you are yourself too with all the excessive self-flagellation. You were single and stoned you rode a hooker, so what. It's really not that big of a deal.

I don't know whether all the 'woe-is-me' stuff is just something you think women want to hear but it comes accross as kind of false. I'd have a lot more respect for a man who just admits it and says 'i was horny, i had money, it was a ride, get over it' .....

If thats what you did then thats who you are. If she cant accept that then maybe you two would never have worked out anyway.

Exclamation Marc

pooley wrote: »

We still spend time together, and still make plans for the future, still laugh and enjoy each others company, still cuddle on the sofa and I think we're still both important people in each others lives.

Whilst I understand your resentment for your actions, you really didn't do anything wrong as you were not committed at that time. You shouldn't have lied to your girlfriend, but I can understand the panic you must have felt and the denial would only be natural.

However I do have one major issue with your post and thats the actions of your ex. She must know of your love for her and regret of the breakdown of the relationship, yet she actively cuddles with you on the sofa and make plans for the future, despite being with someone else.

I hate to say it, but willfully or not, she is using you and leading you on. It's not fair on a person who is besotted with another to be so close to them, and I can understand your grief at missing her when you spend so much time together and she gives you relationship benefits such as cuddling on the couch and planning the future.

She may be doing it unintentionally, but its not fair on you and you have to stop it. You may want a future with her, but she's simply gaining and seeking intimacy with you yet seeing someone else, something which is hugely wrong.

My advice is to tell her how you feel and that you either want her back or you need some time to yourself to get over her free of cuddling etc, because if she's not getting back with you and if she respects you, she should let you get over her, because right now she's trapping you with hope and memories of when you were together.

Clean break is what you need OP. Don't beat yourself up for what you did, plenty of people I know have done that and have no shame and some regret it. Those that regret it though have simply had to accept it happened and move on, because mulling it over constantly will never let you get past it.

kjl

OP, clearly you are feeling guilty about the whole situation.

Why not just explain to her in one of your "cuddling" sessions that you were heartbroken when you were broken up. You went down a dark path and did this out of a mixture of horniness and heartbreak. Explain to her that the only reason you tried to cover it up was because you didn't want to hurt her and lose her again.

TBH Op, lots of people sleep with hookers, it's actually not a massive deal and I think I kinda agree with Cheap Thrills here. You do come across as fake.

If you want her back, you need to be proactive about it.

Bottle_of_Smoke

This situation can't continue, you're a very near parallel to the friendzone.

She has to be willing to accept you had sex with a prostitute or you finish it completely.

It makes no sense. If you were together she could be angry for cheating with a prostitute. Seeing as you weren't together it could only be a moral issue. In which case why would she be friends with someone she thinks has poor moral values

She's having her cake and eating yours.

Imagine how you will feel if she starts seeing someone else

Exclamation Marc

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Imagine how you will feel if she starts seeing someone else

pooley wrote: »

She has got on with her life, started seeing someone else, and is, on the most part doing well.

She already is it seems, and is still acting that way with him

kylith

OP I really don't see how you did anything wrong. You had sex with a prostitute, but you were a single man at the time, and the texts in your phone are none of her business.

If she is still cuddling up to you on the sofa and making plans for the future whilst she is seeing someone else then, imo, the ones who should be angry are you for being led on by her and her boyfriend because she's cuddling up to another man.

She sounds like a user to me. You'd probably be better off getting rid, tbh.

Sardonicat

kylith wrote: »

OP I really don't see how you did anything wrong. You had sex with a prostitute, but you were a single man at the time, and the texts in your phone are none of her business.

If she is still cuddling up to you on the sofa and making plans for the future whilst she is seeing someone else then, imo, the ones who should be angry are you for being led on by her and her boyfriend because she's cuddling up to another man.

She sounds like a user to me. You'd probably be better off getting rid, tbh.

It is a crime to pay someone for sex, and it is a crime for a reason. Was the woman trafficked? You don't know and had no way of knowing! How would you feel now if you found out she was? Fair play to your girlfriend for having the self respect to dump a man who thinks it is acceptable to purchase a human being's body for his jollies. I'd have dumped you as well and I definitely wouldn't be have anything to do with you after!

You say that you felt ashamed and dirty after, how do you think the woman you paid for sex felt?

Learn some respect for yourself and others from this!

Exclamation Marc

Sardonicat wrote: »

It is a crime to pay someone for sex, and it is a crime for a reason.

This is a massive inaccuracy people make about Irish Law, and quite a common one.

Prostitution is not a crime in Ireland. Street prostitution, in particular the soliciting of sex in a public place is a crime, but prostitution itself is not. So him ringing a number on his phone who is a prostitute, meeting her and paying her for sex is not a crime. What he did was not illegal nor a crime under Section 7 of the Criminal Law (Sexual Offences) Act or any act once he did not solicit sex in a public place, which he did not.

Sardonicat

If the woman was trafficked (and there is no way of nowing this, she's not gonna tell him) then it is. It's also, IMO, never ok to use prostitutes. Check out Ruhama, and learn a thing or two about the reality of these women's lives. If OP had a one nighter with someone he met out, I'd agree that his GF was over reacting, but he didn't, he paid a human being to act as his cum rag. Vile!

Exclamation Marc

Sardonicat wrote: »

If the woman was trafficked (and there is no way of nowing this, she's not gonna tell him) then it is. It's also, IMO, never ok to use prostitutes. Check out Ruhama, and learn a thing or two about the reality of these women's lives. If OP had a one nighter with someone he met out, I'd agree that his GF was over reacting, but he didn't, he paid a human being to act as his cum rag. Vile!

Fair enough, but there's a huge difference between what is morally wrong and what is illegal.

It's still not illegal if she was trafficked! If the woman is trafficked, hestill hasnt committed an offence, the trafficker has.

Look I'm not making any moral defences at all for the OP, I'm merely pointing out that he has done nothing illegal so people telling him he's committed a crime is just wholly and factually incorrect.

S23

We're not here to discuss the rights and wrongs of prostiution, Irish law or possible human trafficking though.

Back to your problem OP. First off I have to agree with Cheap Thrills, you come across as a bit of a fake. The long, meandering, pseudo Mills and Boon-esque 'woe is me' style post just comes across as a bit much to be honest.

Let's keep it simple.

You were together as a couple. You decided to break up with her. In the interim you had sex with a prostitute. You got back together.

Now this is where it gets interesting for me.

This prostitute, a couple of months after your one and only visit to her, text you. She text you something so salacious or OTT that when your girlfriend saw the text she decided to go online and track down the person who sent you the text. This led her to break up with you out of (guessing here) disgust/betrayl/disappointment.

This led to you breaking up and leaves you in your current 'woe is me' condition. However, you still 'spend time together, make plans for the future, cuddle on the sofa'.

Sorry there OP. This does not make even a lick of sense.

a) what was the prostitute you only ever visited once (and who presumably has many clients) texting you about 2 months after the fact?
b) what was it she said that was so blatant that your GF was instantly suspicious?
c) if your GF was so repulsed or furious or whatever, that she didn't want to be with you anymore (despite the fact you weren't together when this happend) then how is it she can still laugh, make plans, spend time and cuddle with you?

If she was disgusted enough by the idea of you being with a hooker then how come she switched it off so easily that she now acts the way she does with you?
If she felt that it was a betrayl and that it warranted a breakup (despite you not being together when it happend) then how has she gotten over that so rapidly.

Can you shed some light on these things for us please? Far, far too much of this does not compute. I know life is rarely straight forward but there are few too many plot holes in this so far for me to make any sense of it.

pooley

As regards the sub-Mills and Boone-esque nature of my original post, I'm really not too bothered about seeming 'woe is me' particulaly, I just wanted to try to explain things as they are, in actuallity and emotianallity. The people reading this are not people I'm in any way trying to gain sympathy from, merely advice, so if it seems like fake emotion, that's not really the issue. I'm sorry if its detracted from the issue at hand. In short, I did something regretful, and two people who loved each other are now apart.
And briefly, visiting a prostitute isn't a crime, at least not here, and again, not the issue I'm trying to resolve. I do however realise all the bad aspects surrounding that world, trafficking, enforcement, poverty, and as much as it may not convince anyone, I'm as opposed to such things as anyone. For the record, this person was independent and from this country, but then again, I'd be foolish still to think that that is always the case, or even that it means the person I saw was doing it of their own validity. It is something I regret on many levels, but I'm not pious enough to suggest that unfortunately in life we sometimes do things that compromise us morally, whether consciously or not.
Now, to respond to the last post. The text I recieved was a group text sent to, I imagine, people who had visited the prostitute before, and was therefore a way of getting more business. It was nothing that inflamatory I recallo but it was obviously enough to do what it did.
As for why does my ex continue to cuddle/make plans/etc, only she can truely tell you I guess. Many people have many differing opinions on this, and all I can tell from where I stand, is that despite everything, she is sad that we're apart, but still justifiably angry about what has happened. I know I should perhaps 'move on', forget about her and all, but despite the madness of loving someone you're not with, I know how I feel about her, and regardless of the fact i've messed up in a big way, i'd feel even worse were I not to at least try to salvage something, lost cause or not. Life's not black and white. We all make mistakes, and usually we pay for them, and hopefully always learn from them. I'm not trying to excuse my actions, but things have to be put into context, even if contextuality doesn't always seem to make sense. Anyway, appreciate the advice, hope this may have answered some more questions, though i'm not sure it will.

S23

So the text was nothing inflammatory but was enough for

A text to my phone from the prostitute i'd visted was found by my girlfriend. Stupidly, instead of coming clean then and there, my belief in the ability of self-denial, coupled with cowardice of course, meant that I attempted to brush it off as a wrong number. Again, just another mistake I made that I should never have done. Instead of owning up, I simply made out that nothing was wrong, which simply caused my poor love a week of secret anguish as she cleverly put 2 and 2 together, and with the help of internet search engines, worked out what I had done. Two weeks after the 'mis-sent text', we were finished.

Sorry, I don't believe you're telling the truth. It doesn't add up. None of it does. I know life isn't black and white but very little of your post adds up. There is too much missing. You got sent a non-inflammatory text but it managed to cause your GF to be instantly suspicious and caused her anguish and brought her to do internet searches. She then breaks up with you because shes so hurt but doesn't act hurt in the slightest as she maintains a close relationship with you.

I just don't believe thats the whole/real story. Therefore, I'm out. Best of luck to the pair of you.

magneticimpulse

seriously you didnt wreck your life.

if the girl has a problem with what you did when the 2 of you were single, then its her problem. shes just not into you, so move on, cut all contact with her and find someone else. plenty of girls out there.

LilyCullen

Op tbh, I agree with the other other posters. It sounds like there is a lot missing.

Having said that, If I were your girlfriend I would be very reluctant to have a sexual relationship with you again if i'd discovered you'd visited a prostitute.

Also, yeah what you do when you're single is 'your business' or whatever but a guy visiting a prostitute is something most women find disgusting, it says a lot about the type of man you are and if were her it would seriously put me off you as a person.

However, it sounds like she still really likes you, she doesn't sound like a user at all. the fact that she's stuck around still says a lot about her feelings for you.
You ****ed up but it's not necessarily over yet. Give it time and work on the things that are wrong with your relationships as friends, like opening up to each other more

and don't visit any more prostitutes!

Best of luck

Wibbs

LilyCullen wrote: »

However, it sounds like she still really likes you, she doesn't sound like a user at all

Well it sounds a bit weird that she's cuddling with him on the sofa and has a new boyfriend at the same time. Smells a bit too much like using him for the affection she knows he has for her and using the BF for whatever he gives her(most likely romance and sex).

OP I think you really need to stop over thinking this and step back from the whole situation. No matter what she's saying, the facts seem to be that she has moved on romantically with someone else. If she hasn't moved on what's she doing in this new relationship, while cuddling you of a night? Doesnt sound emotionally healthy for you at all.