I need some advice

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this one...

I've been with a girl for 4 years now. It's gotten to a point where I don't feel the spark of old. I don't love her like I used to. Now I still care for her and we get on great, like a lot of the same things...but for the last year or so I've noticed a change in my own feelings. I just feel for her more as a friend now.

Now most will tell me simple enough to just talk to her or break up with her and not string her along. But it's a little more complicated then that.
I'm afraid of what it might do to her confidence if I did break up with her because before we started going out she was a bit of a loner as a result of a tough time in college and her childhood. She had low confidence and self esteem and we clicked and she came out of her shell and transformed as a person, got her life back on track etc.
Thing is she loves me so much and would do anything for me as a result of her gratitude for me helping her out initially. I really don't want to hurt this girl because she is amazing but I just don't feel it anymore.

Advice would be welcome folks.

28064212

What point do you decide it won't hurt her? 5 years? 6? After you're married? After your first kid? Or will it be less hurtful if you never break up with her and cheat on the side instead?

Break-ups hurt, but the longer you leave it, the worse it will be

IrishEyes19

It's a tough one, OP, but you have to break up with her if you don't love her anymore. Obviously you need to talk to her first, but it most likely will come out of the blue if she's still in love with you!! It's a tough thing to do, but I dont think you have any other choice unless you intend to remain as "friends" and keep the relationship going.

Virgil°

Break up with her.
She will probably feel very upset , alone, angry towards you,still in love with you, depressed etc.....
If you want to break up with her and she still wants to remain a couple be prepared for this not to go smoothly. But you're not a bad person OP. This stuff happens a thousand times a minute the world over. Staying with her however despite not wanting to would show a bad streak in you.
She will be in pieces at first but she'll get over it . She deserves to be in a relationship with someone who will love her as much as she does him. Its clear that isn't you.
Sit her down and explain in no uncertain terms that you wish to break up and why. Then leave. Don't contact her because you feel guilty about breaking her heart. It wont help her in the long run. Don't try to remain friends, it will only stifle her recovery as she will probably latch onto this "friendship" as a means of keeping you.
All the best.

Gman1

28064212 wrote: »

What point do you decide it won't hurt her? 5 years? 6? After you're married? After your first kid? Or will it be less hurtful if you never break up with her and cheat on the side instead?

Break-ups hurt, but the longer you leave it, the worse it will be

Agreed, break it off now. Tell her the exact truth. It will end badly if you wait.

Des Carter

Op I think you have to claify what you mean, yous say you dont love her anymore but reading between the lines I think its possible that you do, but are missing the intimacy/closeness/passion that you once had.

I don't feel the spark of old

I just feel for her more as a friend now

she is amazing but I just don't feel it anymore

This would suggest that you have just moved on from the honeymoon period and have fallen into routine with no sign of the spark that used to be there.

If this is the case then you shouldnt dump her so quickly and try to work on this. The amount of books and websites based on "getting the spark back" is emense and full of good tips etc. Also if this is the case and you dump her you will face the same problem with your next girlfriend and will have to deal with it eventually.

However if you dont love her anymore then break up as stringing her along or just waiting for her sake is going to end badly.

LegacyUser

OP here...

I think you may be right...I may just be missing the spark. But I think the relationship as a whole has just fizzled out. We were both in bad places when we started going out and we got better as it went on. We kind of depended on each other more. Now that we don't, the dynamic of the relationship has changed. But at the end of the day I'm just not feeling as into the relationship as I once was.
The difficulty is in trying to do this the right way, without hurting her. But I'm beginning to realise it's going to be hard, but I'm just going to have to do it!