Want to get married

LegacyUser

I'll try and keep this short.
Myself and my other half are together nearly ten years. We are living together for about 7, have our own house and a one year old son.
I want to get married for the simple reason that I'd prefer my son to grow up with his mom and dad married. I know it's only a piece of paper and doesn't make a difference etc but I feel more comfortable with the thought of us being a proper family.

My boyfriend is extrememly shy around people he doesn't know too well and is not a big fan of being centre of attention so a wedding is his idea of hell on earth. I'm not fussy and if he's not comfortable with the big wedding thing then that's fine by me. My ideal would be just us and our families in some place like Italy.

I brought up the subject last year and he just said ya, ya we will eventually. He kind of looked at me as if I had ten heads when I said it. I don't want to keep pushing it out and pushing it out.
I know he loves me and our son and it's not a commitment issue or anything like that. I know 100% it's the thought of the whole thing. I don't know how to get him around to the idea? I also don't know why it's such a big deal to me but it is.

Any advice?

Beruthiel

wantmarriage wrote: »

I brought up the subject last year and he just said ya, ya we will eventually. He kind of looked at me as if I had ten heads when I said it.?

You say you have brought up the subject. Have you actually asked him what he wanted?

LegacyUser

No I haven't. You're right.
But I know it's not a big deal to him. I don't think it even flicks on his radar. He just wants to continue the way we are.

Ickle Magoo

I agree with Beruthiel, try asking him what his perfect wedding day would consist of and go from there - perhaps if he understands that you aren't going to overlook his fears and plan/want a big do regardless, he would be less reluctant to discuss or even make plans?

All the best.

dudara

You say you don't want a big fussy wedding, but yet you'd like to organise a trip for everyone to Italy. That's a bit contradictory. To me, a non-fussy wedding would be a quick trip down the registry office.

You need to sit down and talk earnestly about marriage. Forget the wedding and all other aspects. Simply ask him if he wants to get married. Once you have agreement on that, then you can start to work on the when and the where.

blackbird98

wantmarriage wrote: »

I want to get married for the simple reason that I'd prefer my son to grow up with his mom and dad married.

Any advice?

I don't think this is a good enough reason to get married.......so maybe he's right

ABajaninCork

blackbird98 wrote: »

I don't think this is a good enough reason to get married.......so maybe he's right

Sorry, but don't agree with this. How about the legal side of things? If God forbid anything were to happen to either parent, and they were intestate then there's a WHOLE new mess right there.

In order to keep things tight, the child would HAVE to be named as the offspring of the parent, and provision would need to be made for the child's welfare if anything happened before the child reached it's majority.

If there were no children involved, then yes, I would agree. If it ain't broke, then don't fix it. But as there's a child, then this needs to be sorted. Either both parents make a will, or they marry.

Getting back to the original question. My brother's in exactly the same boat. He's also very shy with crowds and people he doesn't know. I'll give you the same advice as I gave him. Go off to the registry office, two witnesses, and Bob's yer uncle. You can have a nice meal with close family after if you wish, and drinks with your mates after that if you feel like it.

Hope this helps and good luck!:)

LegacyUser

dudara wrote: »

You say you don't want a big fussy wedding, but yet you'd like to organise a trip for everyone to Italy. That's a bit contradictory. To me, a non-fussy wedding would be a quick trip down the registry office.

You need to sit down and talk earnestly about marriage. Forget the wedding and all other aspects. Simply ask him if he wants to get married. Once you have agreement on that, then you can start to work on the when and the where.

You're right. Bit contradictory alright. It wouldn't be a trip for everyone, just his mom and dad, mine and brothers and sisters. Just thought it'd be nice to have a family get away seeing as we probably won't end up on honeymoon with the small fella to look after. Registry office would be fine too. I'm honestly not fussy about the "wedding" part.

blackbird98 wrote:

I don't think this is a good enough reason to get married.......so maybe he's right

I would have been of the same opinion before I had my son. Now though I want what's best for him and I honestly believe that's me and his dad married.

ABajaninCork wrote:

Sorry, but don't agree with this. How about the legal side of things? If God forbid anything were to happen to either parent, and they were intestate then there's a WHOLE new mess right there.

In order to keep things tight, the child would HAVE to be named as the offspring of the parent, and provision would need to be made for the child's welfare if anything happened before the child reached it's majority.

If there were no children involved, then yes, I would agree. If it ain't broke, then don't fix it. But as there's a child, then this needs to be sorted. Either both parents make a will, or they marry.

Getting back to the original question. My brother's in exactly the same boat. He's also very shy with crowds and people he doesn't know. I'll give you the same advice as I gave him. Go off to the registry office, two witnesses, and Bob's yer uncle. You can have a nice meal with close family after if you wish, and drinks with your mates after that if you feel like it.

Hope this helps and good luck!

Thanks! Really good advice. I'm going to talk to him and see what he has to say. He's not the easiest person to have a serious conversation with so we'll see how it goes but i'll try talking to him first.

bills

There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married.
If thats what you want for your life, then do not compromise as you wont be happy in the future.

I think you need to sit him down & say- i definetely want marriage & i want it in 5 years/2 years etc.. I dont think you should force him into it but he needs to be clear that you want marriage & want compromise.

Ask him if he wants to marry & if so when??? After 10 years, that fairly reasonable.

LegacyUser

Get a few pals/family members to drop a hint or two?

Beruthiel

adfadgadf wrote: »

Get a few pals/family members to drop a hint or two?

That sort of carry on would only get his back up.
Certainly, were anyone to have dropped hints like that to me, they would be put in their place fairly sharpish.

I am a friend

Op this is kind of putting the horse after the cart... Can I ask why you decided to have a kid with him before marriage if you knew his views on marriage....

I certainly would not deliberately have a kid with someone knowing is was on a completely different page to him about something so important...

For me it is a committment issue no matter what is said here. You dont have to be married to be committed but as other opsters stated, this country does not had adequate rights for children and fathers within unmarried couples... A small civil ceremony would sort that out. You only need 2 witnesses and if he was totally committed to you then this should not be an issue.... My 2c worth

LegacyUser

the baby wasn't planned. We were caught completely on the hop and after a lot of discussion decided to go through with the pregnancy. We both agreed at the time that we were in the relationship for the long haul, neither of us were planning on going anywhere etc

To be honest with an unplanned pregnancy happening I wasn't really thinking about marriage. I didn't want to be someone who got engaged just because they had ended up pregnant by accident.
Now a year and a bit on, my logic is that we love each other, we're together for years, we have a gorgeous little boy and I'd like us to be husband and wife. As traditional and all as that sounds.

I haven't had a chance to bring it up yet as he's working 12 hour shifts so no time for chat. Will try and do so at the weekend when we're both off.