Giving your partner permission to hit you

LegacyUser

Today my friend told me that she gave her boyfriend permission to hit her if she made him angry, I was so appalled I ended up giving out to her and telling her to cop on. What do you ladies think about women giving permission to be hit?

Wibbs

Speaking as a man, if a woman suggested that to me I'd be equally appalled tbh.

It should never be OK to hit anyone; male or female, even out of anger.

The Big Red Button

Regardless of gender, the idea of any adult in a grown up relationship giving their partner "permission" to hit them seems ... well, bizarre, and very very sad.

To be honest, I'd be inclined to think that it's something that he does anyways, and maybe giving him "permission" makes the girl in question feel as though she has some bit of control over it?

Links234

outside of BDSM roleplay, that's a really horrible and disturbing idea.

chatterpillar

chatterpillar wrote: »

Regardless of gender, the idea of any adult in a grown up relationship giving their partner "permission" to hit them seems ... well, bizarre, and very very sad.

To be honest, I'd be inclined to think that it's something that he does anyways, and maybe giving him "permission" makes the girl in question feel as though she has some bit of control over it?

Or maybe it's something she's come to get used to in past relationships, so it's how she expects it to happen.

OP - if the person in question is you, are you the girlfriend or boyfriend?

mikom

Links234 wrote: »

outside of BDSM roleplay, that's a really horrible and disturbing idea.

or 21

bronte

:eek:
I thought this was going to be about spanking during sex or something.

No way is that remotely okay.
Do you know much about your friend's background/relationship history?

MagicMarker

It sounds like your friend has issues.

Das Kitty

I had a friend once who told me of a similar arrangement with her boyfriend. He never laid a finger on her and she used to try and wind him up to see how much it would take. He broke up with her in the end. She was physically abused by her father as a baby and toddler and used to do all sorts of risky things with men.

Das Kitty

Das Kitty wrote: »

I had a friend once who told me of a similar arrangement with her boyfriend. He never laid a finger on her and she used to try and wind him up to see how much it would take. He broke up with her in the end. She was physically abused by her father as a baby and toddler and used to do all sorts of risky things with men.

Perhaps she is the same as this - but it's hard to know because we don't know if the boyfriend has ever been violent before. However if it is the case that it's something she's used to, then it might be the right idea for her to see a specialist?

Rockery Woman

I have never heard of this kind of arrangement before:eek:

Very strange!!!! Wonder what her partners reply was?!!!

brian ireland

Many moons ago when I was a nipper I was going out with a girl for about two weeks.
One night she said it was all off (not sure if you still say that now-days)but any way it was over. I asked her what was the problem. She said I was not rough enough. I asked what she meant. She told me her last boyfriend used to knock her around and she liked being hit. I was too nice!!!! So maybe some people like getting a few smacks now and then.

:eek:Strange to say the least :eek:

watna

brian ireland wrote: »

Many moons ago when I was a nipper I was going out with a girl for about two weeks.
One night she said it was all off (not sure if you still say that now-days)but any way it was over. I asked here what was the problem. She said I was not rough enough. I asked what she meant. She told me her last boyfriend used to knock her around and she liked being hit. I was too nice!!!! So maybe some people like getting a few smacks now and then.

:eek:Strange to say the least :eek:

:eek: One can only wonder what kind of a situation that girl has got herself in to now.

That is just bizarre but I guess the OPs friend must have had a reason to say it. Maybe her partner has anger issues and she thinks it would help him? It's really not on though.

Links234

this is really pretty disturbing

I can understand a person liking something rough in a safe, role play kinda way, but seeking abusive relationships and trying to wind the guy up? :eek: she needs help and I feel really sorry for her

Latchy

Might possibly be a bit of sadomasochistic personality going on or were previously in her life , some other undercurrent of violent behaviour was going on but of course no , it would not be right for the boyfriend to take her up on the offer .

psycho-hope

:eek: is all i can so op, no one has the right to hit someone else. If any man i dated even went to hit me that would be it relationship over end of.

Only your friend knows what is going on in her private life, maybe it was a subtle way of mentioning shes afraid of her bf OP.

having said that the last night i was out with my bf and some of his friends, himself and one of his friends stepped in when they seen a guy hitting the girl he was with and they ended up gettin abuse off her

Piste

That's really creepy. If I were the guy I'd be out of there like a shot.

pickarooney

I'm trying to rationalise this but it's a bit beyond the scope of my own understanding of human behaviour. A lot of people (mostly men, I guess) do seem to actively seek out violence and derive pleasure from being beaten up (OK, outside of Fight Club and football holiganism, maybe not a lot of people) but having this kind of an arrangement with a supposed loved one is just too weird.

thebullkf

serious issues here.
is she saying it out of desperation to keep him i.e. you can even hit me if i deserve it,just don't go.- type of thing...?

maybe she just likes being dominated.


i knew a girl who liked seriously hard clatters in foreplay....seriously hard.
as in bruiseworthy:eek:

different folks,different strokes.
if they're ok with it then i don't think its anyones business.

southsiderosie

psycho-hope wrote: »

having said that the last night i was out with my bf and some of his friends, himself and one of his friends stepped in when they seen a guy hitting the girl he was with and they ended up gettin abuse off her

Sadly I've heard that from a lot of my guy friends, to the point where if they see a violent domestic dispute, they don't even intervene anymore - it always gets turned around on them by the person they are trying to 'help'.

Asphyxia

I know lad who was in the same position, he was messaging his now ex girlfriend and they started arguing and she told him if she made him angry just to hit her. He told me that he lost respect for her that day because how could he respect her when she didn't respect herself. They carried on seeing each other but a few months later they split he just fell out of love with her.

I don't think any women or man should ever lower themselves like that it's horrible if you really feel like that then you need some help.

xzanti

WHAT?

Giselle

I wonder what the legal situation is.

If she gives him permission to hit her and he does, can she then have him charged with assault?

To phrase it differently, is having consent a defence against assault?

Its not healthy for either of them, no matter how consensual it is.

The_Morrigan

Giselle wrote: »

I wonder what the legal situation is.

If she gives him permission to hit her and he does, can she then have him charged with assault?

To phrase it differently, is having consent a defence against assault?

Its not healthy for either of them, no matter how consensual it is.

Nope, don't think so - there were a few cases in relation to that..specifically the one where the wife gave the husband consent to brand her ass (yeah seriously)
Another one was the R v Brown & Others - which was a group homosexual fetish/BDSM type affair where my loverly blunt lawyer friend stated "I don't care if they gave permission to nail their balls to a plank - it's still assault"....:D I think his statement is the only reason I remember that case!!


I'm sure the more qualified in the legal field will correct me if I'm wrong about that.

Giselle

The_Morrigan wrote: »

Nope, don't think so - there were a few cases in relation to that..specifically the one where the wife gave the husband consent to brand her ass (yeah seriously)
Another one was the R v Brown & Others - which was a group homosexual fetish/BDSM type affair where my loverly blunt lawyer friend stated "I don't care if they gave permission to nail their balls to a plank - it's still assault"....:D I think his statement is the only reason I remember that case!!


I'm sure the more qualified in the legal field will correct me if I'm wrong about that.

I believe there are brands one can get that are considered body art, but it wouldn't be for me!

I remember reading about that other case I think. I suppose some people have no 'stop valve' and the system has to impose limits since they don't have any themselves.

Where does fetish stop and mental illness begin?

I like your friends bluntness!:)

IvyTheTerrible

southsiderosie wrote: »

Sadly I've heard that from a lot of my guy friends, to the point where if they see a violent domestic dispute, they don't even intervene anymore - it always gets turned around on them by the person they are trying to 'help'.

I remember reading somewhere that it's a defence mechanism...the partner will take it out later on the woman that he was in a fight "because of her" so if she defends him that might calm him.

The_Morrigan

Giselle wrote: »

I believe there are brands one can get that are considered body art, but it wouldn't be for me!

I remember reading about that other case I think. I suppose some people have no 'stop valve' and the system has to impose limits since they don't have any themselves.

Where does fetish stop and mental illness begin?

I like your friends bluntness!:)

Ah yes, his bluntness has gotten us in a lot of trouble over the years (usually with our bosses or his wife lol)..but it is a joy to hear his interpretation of law, seeing as he is 20 years in practise and I've just started the LLB.

I wouldn't even go with fetish or mental illness - how many people just go along with their other half for an easy life? In some extreme cases you'll find that one partner is almost conditioned to act in a certain way, and on the face of it their consent is given, but is it given freely or given by their own mental capacity?

Following on from that some people have endured so much pain and hardship that when it comes to their adult lives, "pain", whether emotional or physical is the only way they feel anything.
Referencing pop culture and the recent Eminem/Rihanna song..."Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, that's alright because I like the way it hurts....."

metrovelvet

Giselle wrote: »

I believe there are brands one can get that are considered body art, but it wouldn't be for me!

I remember reading about that other case I think. I suppose some people have no 'stop valve' and the system has to impose limits since they don't have any themselves.

Where does fetish stop and mental illness begin?

I like your friends bluntness!:)

Exactly. When does it become self-harm by proxy? If you went to a doctor and told them you like to slap and scratch yourself you would be quickly put on meds and referred. But when you get someone else to do, either in the bedroom or living room context it's not a mental health issue? I don't buy it.

Chuchoter

Irishbetty302 wrote: »

Today my friend told me that she gave her boyfriend permission to hit her if she made him angry, I was so appalled I ended up giving out to her and telling her to cop on. What do you ladies think about women giving permission to be hit?

That girl has problems. There must have been violence in her past or something, I mean its fine within a BDSM context, but to give someone consent to give you a clatter if you say/do something they don't like is worrying. Would you ask the boyfriend or something or is that going behind her back?

Giselle

The_Morrigan wrote: »

I wouldn't even go with fetish or mental illness - how many people just go along with their other half for an easy life? In some extreme cases you'll find that one partner is almost conditioned to act in a certain way, and on the face of it their consent is given, but is it given freely or given by their own mental capacity?

Unfortunately you're right. Anything can become 'normal' if you've been doing it long enough, and I know that long-term abused people can become desensitised to their own abuse.:(

Standman

Giselle wrote: »

Unfortunately you're right. Anything can become 'normal' if you've been doing it long enough, and I know that long-term abused people can become desensitised to their own abuse.:(

I think sometimes if people are physically abused by their parents when they are kids they come to associate the abuse with love, and think it's an ok thing in a relationship because they've learned from their parents that it's ok to hit someone you love if you think they've done something wrong. Could be one way of explaining it.

The_Morrigan

Standman wrote: »

I think sometimes if people are physically abused by their parents when they are kids they come to associate the abuse with love, and think it's an ok thing in a relationship because they've learned from their parents that it's ok to hit someone you love if you think they've done something wrong. Could be one way of explaining it.

It is a vicious circle....

SugarHigh

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

I remember reading somewhere that it's a defence mechanism...the partner will take it out later on the woman that he was in a fight "because of her" so if she defends him that might calm him.

It's also to do with the fact she isn't likely to side with a complete stranger over her boyfriend even if he is a dick.

Acoshla

I had a friend whose older brother used to treat her very roughly, when he was mad at her he would shove her, knock her over, he once dragged her up their gravel driveway, she had grazes all over her back, she was 19 at the time and he was 23. I was shocked, but she just kind of said "Ah, he's always been like that, and my parents never stop him so I guess it's normal".

Then she got together with a bouncer with anger issues, he used to do the same, push her, grab her arm, and she'd just smile inanely, this was how boys acted in her head, this was what her parents let her grow up thinking was normal, so why shouldn't her boyfriend do it? Angered me no end.

serenacat

Irishbetty302 wrote: »

Today my friend told me that she gave her boyfriend permission to hit her if she made him angry, I was so appalled I ended up giving out to her and telling her to cop on. What do you ladies think about women giving permission to be hit?

that is messed up. Reminds me of poor Rihanna, its not on.