Trying not to mess with my exes head

LegacyUser

Ok so basically I got with a guy this time last year and he told me on day one he was married, he did bend the truth a bit, but given that he already had a child to a woman who wasn't his wife the previous year...I figured the marriage was dead and it was.

Within 2 months we were living together and everything just moved too fast, to be quite blunt he was absoutley horrible too me. He was never violent but totally took his anger and insecurities out on me by way of verbal abuse and manipulation.

I ended it twice but got back with him as he threatened to kill himself, then last May I ended it for good......So, i went through all the threats to kill himself, I even had to deal with his wife at one point who advised me that he's constantly threatening this and she's convinced he is bi-polar. He posted very personal info about me on facebook and pretended to me that he was seeing a councillor who was helping him deal with his anger issues. (This went on for weeks, he'd call me after his sessions to tell me how he got on and he never even went)

So, here's my predicament.....I have told him we will NEVER EVER get back together. I've given him no hope whatsoever, my family will not alow him inside the door of this house and my friends all hate him.

Because I have been in a relatipnship with him, I feel like I "know" him. I know the way he treated me was unacceptable and that's why I will never take him back but well, to be honest, he has no one. He's renting a room in a flat and he only sees his children about twice a week. He doesn't have any friends really and he asks me to meet him for coffee and go to the cinema etc and he says he knows I'll never get back with him he's just lonely.

I don't like to think of him on his own (I feel kinda responsible...he left his wife for me!!) while i'm out having good fun with my friends - yet, in the back of my mind I feel like it's wrong to stay in touch with him - but I'll feel like the devil if I turn my back on him....and I don't think I have the energy to go through the suicide threats and crying voicemails again?

It's not right though. It's his birthday soon and he's asked me to go to a spa/hotel with him...he said he'll pay for everything and I will have my own room etc and it's his way of making up for how awful he treated me? Is this genuine? I just don't wanna go if it's gonna stop him from moving on

Can anyone give me advice? I'm proper stumped on how to move forward without destroying him

dudara

wannadogood wrote: »

It's his birthday soon and he's asked me to go to a spa/hotel with him...he said he'll pay for everything and I will have my own room etc and it's his way of making up for how awful he treated me? Is this genuine? I just don't wanna go if it's gonna stop him from moving on

Can anyone give me advice? I'm proper stumped on how to move forward without destroying him

Oh good god. It's his birthday (not yours) and he wants to take you away with him so he can guilt trip you some more. It's all about him.

I'm not going to say anymore.

Miguel_Sanchez

wannadogood wrote: »

Can anyone give me advice? I'm proper stumped on how to move forward without destroying him

Here's some advice. Say no to him and move on with your life.

He's not your responsibility. He's in the situation he's in because he put himself there. Nobody else.

He treated you badly and well to be blunt, he got what he deserves. He won't be 'destroyed' although he has you thinking he will be.

Don't let him fool you into thinking he needs your help. He wants to go away with you so he can guilt trip you into sleeping with him a few more times. Block his number, and if he continues to contact you threaten to go to the Gardai.

He threatens suicide because he knows you will feel guilty that he might do it. He won't but he knows it's a great form of emotional blackmail.

Your friends and family have the right idea. Don't talk to him and do not feel sorry for him.

Cheap Thrills!

Listen, he is manipulating your pity for him. Don't fall for it. You are not responsible for him regardless of him 'leaving his wife for you' -That was HIS choice, he's a grown man.

There is no half measures with these types of people. You plan to only give him x but he will take x, y and z. And for everything you give him it will have an emotional and spiritual price for you.

Moving on means moving on. As long as you let him he will manipulate you.

metrovelvet

wannadogood wrote: »

Ok so basically I got with a guy this time last year and he told me on day one he was married, he did bend the truth a bit, but given that he already had a child to a woman who wasn't his wife the previous year...I figured the marriage was dead and it was.

Within 2 months we were living together and everything just moved too fast, to be quite blunt he was absoutley horrible too me. He was never violent but totally took his anger and insecurities out on me by way of verbal abuse and manipulation.

I ended it twice but got back with him as he threatened to kill himself, then last May I ended it for good......So, i went through all the threats to kill himself, I even had to deal with his wife at one point who advised me that he's constantly threatening this and she's convinced he is bi-polar. He posted very personal info about me on facebook and pretended to me that he was seeing a councillor who was helping him deal with his anger issues. (This went on for weeks, he'd call me after his sessions to tell me how he got on and he never even went)

So, here's my predicament.....I have told him we will NEVER EVER get back together. I've given him no hope whatsoever, my family will not alow him inside the door of this house and my friends all hate him.

Because I have been in a relatipnship with him, I feel like I "know" him. I know the way he treated me was unacceptable and that's why I will never take him back but well, to be honest, he has no one. He's renting a room in a flat and he only sees his children about twice a week. He doesn't have any friends really and he asks me to meet him for coffee and go to the cinema etc and he says he knows I'll never get back with him he's just lonely.

I don't like to think of him on his own (I feel kinda responsible...he left his wife for me!!) while i'm out having good fun with my friends - yet, in the back of my mind I feel like it's wrong to stay in touch with him - but I'll feel like the devil if I turn my back on him....and I don't think I have the energy to go through the suicide threats and crying voicemails again?

It's not right though. It's his birthday soon and he's asked me to go to a spa/hotel with him...he said he'll pay for everything and I will have my own room etc and it's his way of making up for how awful he treated me? Is this genuine? I just don't wanna go if it's gonna stop him from moving on

Can anyone give me advice? I'm proper stumped on how to move forward without destroying him

In a sinking ship its every man for himself. You will destroy you if you let him control you like you this. If he threatens suicide, hand him a rope.

trio

It's his birthday soon and he's asked me to go to a spa/hotel with him...he said he'll pay for everything and I will have my own room etc and it's his way of making up for how awful he treated me?

So.....what...you're his present?

If you go I think you'll find that's exactly what he expects you to be.....

outdoorsygirl

Ok This guy is a creep.
He's deliberately making you feel responsible and guilty for his feelings right now .....and more importantly, his behaviour, threatened or otherwise.
You are not responsible for him.
He must make his own life.

So, cut all contact. Tell him NOT to contact you again. It is over, finished.

Do not respond to any contact from him, and do not listen to any messages he may leave you on your phone about him threatening to take his own life.

Suggest that the emotional help he needs cannot be garnered from you, but from a professional organisation such as the Samaritans.

End of. Move on.

padma

Politely refuse his request to the hotel and spa. Politely refuse to go to the cinema with him. Politely say you are extremely busy every time he rings you. Politely let him move on with his own life.

LegacyUser

OP, you are trying to not mess with his head??, well then tell him you are with someone new and he is history. He will get a life if he has one and if not its not your problem and why should you care as according to you he has hurt you and your family and friends hate him.
Cut all contact with him and he will go away and if he tops himself even better. Don't be worrying about him as he is an EX for a reason. Don't go away with him either as whats that going to acheive?
Best thing is make it difficult for him to contact you and don't mix in his circle of friend/s. You have to not make any contact with him either no matter how much you want to as well.

The underlying thing really I can see is do you still love him but are afraid to get back cause you think you know what you want and and stop trying to please everyone and just do what you feel is right for you and not anybody else. Your well being is more important that your ex's

Silverfish

Chainsaws please do not attempt to give medical diagnoses on this site, thank you.