Help me earn her trust, and get her back

LegacyUser

Hey, I do have an account here.. But this is something quite personal to me. And I have no one else to talk to about it, and I don't know how to deal with it alone.

First off, this will be a long post. And I appreciate any response.

I am a guy(as per title) and I apologize if this was posted in the wrong forum, but I really need the help of the girls on this one. I really need it so much.

I am a man off 22 years old. When I was in school when I was 18, I seen one of the foreign exchange students from Germany out, I was infatuated by her when I seen her first. I never did anything about it, never even spoke to her. Then luckily I seen her on Bebo of all places, and I decided to say hello. We got talking and we talked on MSN for hours, I remember back then so well.. We could talk for hours, literally. From 3pm in the day to 11 at night. I was crazy about her so much. After a few months talking she was coming to Ireland again for a holiday, after a lot of convincing, I got her to come meet me and even stay with me(this is no slutty girl; she's a girl of immense class, and she liked me a lot).

We met at my local pub, which she liked a lot when she was here for school. We had a few drinks, talked and hit it off so well.. We flirted and had a great time, she was gonna stay with me that night(which I know isn't a good thing to do when your first meet someone, but we had something.. and I knew it). She stayed with me that night, no sex invovled. We kissed most of the night, and she always.. even 4 years later said that was the best night we ever had together, I can't agree more.

She had to leave the next day, I was very sad and missed her a lot. But I knew she was special, so I got myself a job... And every penny I made I put towards a flight to see her, over the next 3 years I'd end up going to Germany(Berlin) about 13 times, I forget how much exactly now hehe.

The first time I went over(it was the first time I left Ireland and I did it alone). I stayed in a hotel near her house, we had a great time. And we were totally crazy about each other. After the week was up I had to go back to Ireland, I got back.. but I missed her so much I paid for a flight back over that following weekend(€500 it cost, thanks Aer Lingus...).

When I went over the next weekend, before I had to leave for Ireland again, I asked her to go steady with me, she said yes. I even remember the date and exact time, 26 October 2007 at approx 3pm German time.. I'm sad I know but I never forgot.

Anyway I kept going over for the following months, told her on my 4th visit that I loved her, and she told me the same. And before I go any further I should clarify, we were not stupid, we did not cheat.

The years went on, and our primary means of talking, MSN was beginning to get tedious, and the talks weren't as good; which is my fault cause when you love someone so much, going from seeing them in person to talking to them on the phone, by text it's so much less of a meaning.

Over the 3 years we broke up twice temporarily, twice it was my doing and we got back together pretty much straight away.. I should've learned by them 2 mistakes, I broke up cause I was young and stupid and cocky and I took her for granted.

Now I need to skip a bit, we broke up 1 month ago for the 3rd(and in her case) the last time, I broke up with her again because I could see it was hurting her that the talks weren't as good as they used to be, what used to be 3pm to about 11 easily was not 6 to 7.. maybe even less. The enthusiasm to talk like that died a bit for me, but seeing her in person, I still raged with excitement and love for her. She made me into a man, made me want to do things with my life. I'm now in college and I'm gonna make something of myself.

But since this 3rd and final breakup, I want to get her back so much, but she won't, she says the pain over the years was too much... I promised her many times I'd change and be better, but I failed. If I was any a man I would let her go, which is the reason I broke up with her for the 3rd time, because I taught I could be a man and let her go... and be happier. The past month since it's happened and been torture for me, I'm honestly trying ti cling on to any hopes I have of keeping my soul intact, because I feel like I'm so lost.

I ring her, lots... I cry, I'm sad, she cries(not much anymore). I tell her I'll change, I'll be a better man; I'll be the man she needs to have in her life. Now, more than ever... I'm gonna be that man if I get the chance, I have to.. I love her so much, every inch of me aches to not have her, she was my momo.

5 days ago, I rang her while I was out. She told me that night that she had went with someone, it caught me so off guard, and literally ripped my heart apart, the hurt I felt.. I wouldn't wish it on my best enemy, but I think.. What about the hurt she's experienced over the 3 years because of me, it couldn't been that bad and there's was a lot of times we were so happy. She still loves me, I know she does.

I know her so well and she knows me, but she knows that I don't change easily... The problem is, now that I really have lost what I loved, and from crying for the past month... To barely being able to sleep unless I drink, which then leads to me ringing her and me crying on the phone.

The night she told me about going with another man(the worst day in my life till the day I die, cause I'm really not the average man when it comes to that). I went home that night, crying... and I booked a flight over to her again. The flight is for the 26th, which is ironically our anniversary. The problem is, she's at her college place which is 3 hours from Berlin, I can get there easily.. but she moved to a new college address and she won't give me the address. She says its too soon to see me, which I understand. But I just can't let it go, I love her too much. I'm basically going over there for 2 days with nowhere to go, and nothing to do.. it's only to give her a chance to see me, and I don't even know if she will.

She wants to move on, she says she has.. she tells me to move on, I can't move on.. I know I'm the one for her, and her for me. I made a lie last night, I told her I went with 3 girls, and I was texting someone who I might like to try make something with, this was all a lie.. the only reason I told her that was because I taught if she felt I was moving on she would be willing to see me, she doesn't want me trying to get her back. But I can't move on, not after all we've been through, and I know deep down we can still make it. All her trust in me is gone, which I understand.. I need to build it back up. i need to get her back.

I just rang her tonight and told her I lied about the girls, and I made up the lie I don't know why I lied about it; but really I did it because I don't want her knowing I'm coming over to try build up her trust and get her.

So this is it, the wall of text finishes. I hope for all who do read it, you can really help me out. I need this girl back, she's my life. And everything I wanted to do and be was with her.

I love her so so much, I'm afraid of a life without her. It's a life I don't want to live

rainbow kirby

Moved from tLL to RI.

Distorted

OP - why didn't you move to Germany to live when the relationship was at its zenith, so to speak? I can only say good luck in convincing her on your visit over, but maybe you need to go there with an offer of something more than there already has been? At least, whatever happens, you know you will have tried.

fungun

I sympathise with your current distress, but I do not understand aspects of your posts. The "Ill be a better man" bits for instance. It was nothing to do with that, your reln suffered because you were away from each other and slowly got less enthusiastic. No one is at fault unless you think you should have gone to live together, which perhaps you should have. Too late to remedy that now. Sounds to me like you have missed the boat, am sorry to say.

At the same time I wonder...I always struggle to understand that people who have repeatedly broken it off with their partners are the most upset when it happens to them. You broke it off for reasons...dont now look back on it with rose tinted glasses and think everything was brilliant. It clearly wasnt, you werent having the same chats as you had years ago, yo had reasons for breaking up all those times.

Mourn the loss of what you had for sure but dont beat yourself up or glorify the past by thinking it was better than it was. Make your last effort to meet her if you feel the need, but if it does not work out then learn from it and try your best to move on. When you find love, grasp the nettle

kylith

I think you have to accept that it's over. Stop texting her and let her move on with her life, and you can start doing the same.

Beruthiel

ManOfRegret wrote: »

She wants to move on, she says she has.. she tells me to move on

This is all you need to focus on.
She has moved on.
You need to do the same.
To do anything else will only be mental torture.

sickofwaiting

Yep you should have gone over and lived with her or had her come over and live with you. Long distance relationships are no good long term. There's only so long people are willing to put with up going out with someone who lives thousands of miles away and who they only see every few months.

Why did you keep breaking up with her if you are so sure you are meant to be together? She took you back twice and yet you went and broke up with her again, why would she expect it would be any different the third time? She obviously doesn't want to waste anymore of her time on someone who has already dumped her three times.

Why exactly did you dump her for a THIRD time? I don't buy "because I could see it was hurting her that the talks weren't as good as they used to be", that is not a reason to break up. I imagine the real reason was the same reason as the previous two times...the same reason that lots of people dump their partner...because they want a new piece of ass...nothing wrong with that btw. Let me guess, you haven't been getting much action since you broke up with her and now you 'appreciate what you had'.

Do her a favour and let her go, you have dumped her 3 times already, she doesn't need to be dumped a 4th time. Take off the rose-tinted glasses, if you got back together things would be fine for the first few weeks and then you would be back to square one, bored and wanting to see other girls.

sbsquarepants

You're treating this girl like s'hit!
Leave her alone for god sake. What you're doing is extremely selfish and it sounds like she's had her fill of it.

thefeatheredcat

so, when you do go to Germany, let's just fantasize you talk things through and get back together. Then what?

Are you going to go back to Ireland to your job/college and go back to email/msn and plan on meeting up again at some stage?

Or is something going to change and there's a real committed relationship going to happen that involves you both seeing eachother 24/7 in the same country? Are you going to move to Germany? Is she going to give up her studies and move to Ireland? And I don't mean in the ideal world - I mean in the real world. Can you both afford to have an apartment in Germany, pay bills, you get a job there (with or without the language), maintain a social life, have friends? Is she going to do the same in Ireland?

The thing with long distance relationships is that there's a crucial element missing - the everyday being of the other person and the physical aspects of emotions ie affection.

If there's going to be no chance of either one of you in utter seriousness taking the step to living in another country, then there's little point. Continuing on living in two different countries is emotional abuse on eachother really, because if either needs comfort you can't get a hug when it's needed, you carry guilt for not being able to offer comfort either. And then there's the time apart when you long for that other person, and you see other couples together, doing things together, being with eachother, giving physical affection in hugs and kisses...

I think you've both been through enough emotionally.

So looking at the flip side, you go to Germany, she won't speak to you, doesn't want to see you. What will you do then? What if you somehow find her new address and she's horrified you've gone to such lengths?

There are some things you have to do that goes against normal sense and logic in the case of following your heart. There's no guarantee that what you want to happen will happen, and no guarantee that the opposite is true either. I get the feeling that regardless of what anyone says here, you mind is made up to go through with it come what may.

In any case, learn from whatever happens next, good or bad. If it works out, that's great and then you'll be glad to have gone to the lengths you are intent on.
If it goes wrong, then at least you tried and then leave things be. Let yourself grieve and move on with your life and trust me you have many more lovely things in store for you in life, and I hope you don't give up on that.

LegacyUser

If I were her, I would find your behaviour extremely uncomfortable, and even borderline unstable. You really NEED to back off. She told you to move on. She has moved on. She is not interested. Now you are going to Germany to talk about this? She's been perfectly clear.

If it was a woman that posted this thread, everyone would be all over it saying "ugh, another psycho ex", yet people don't seem to react the same to a man being this clingy and OTT...

For your own sake OP, back off.

Boskowski

Sorry lad but you missed your chance. If you were this mad about her you should have moved over. You let it slip and now it's too late and you can only let it go. Feel really sorry for you but how did you think it was going to work over such distance? Eventually you would have to get off the pot and you didn't. And believe me I know what I'm talking about since I'm a Berliner livin in Waterford, guess why?

LegacyUser

The reason I didn't move to Germany was because I didn't speak the language, I didn't have the education to get a good job. She's the reason I went to college, it's only my first year. She's very sensible and she knew we needed good jobs to make things work.

The issue with the long distance is a tough one, but we had what it took. We knew what it was to go into, you could tell that if you seen us together. We didn't talk as much by voice which was a big problem in my mind. But I didn't do enough to make it happen.

I know this is the 3rd time, and in the eyes of a sensible person from an outlooking perspective it's always easier to say, just move on.. I can't move on from her, not like this. Not knowing how incredible she is.

People have gone through worse stuff, abusive relationships... etc, and there's been people that have pulled it off and made it work; I want to be one of those people. And I'll do whatever it takes.

sickofwaiting wrote: »

Why exactly did you dump her for a THIRD time? I don't buy "because I could see it was hurting her that the talks weren't as good as they used to be", that is not a reason to break up. I imagine the real reason was the same reason as the previous two times...the same reason that lots of people dump their partner...because they want a new piece of ass...nothing wrong with that btw. Let me guess, you haven't been getting much action since you broke up with her and now you 'appreciate what you had'.

Do her a favour and let her go, you have dumped her 3 times already, she doesn't need to be dumped a 4th time. Take off the rose-tinted glasses, if you got back together things would be fine for the first few weeks and then you would be back to square one, bored and wanting to see other girls.

There is not one inch of me that wants to be with another girl. And it has nothing to do with "Another piece of ass". Just making that perfectly clear.

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

So looking at the flip side, you go to Germany, she won't speak to you, doesn't want to see you. What will you do then? What if you somehow find her new address and she's horrified you've gone to such lengths?

There are some things you have to do that goes against normal sense and logic in the case of following your heart. There's no guarantee that what you want to happen will happen, and no guarantee that the opposite is true either. I get the feeling that regardless of what anyone says here, you mind is made up to go through with it come what may.

In any case, learn from whatever happens next, good or bad. If it works out, that's great and then you'll be glad to have gone to the lengths you are intent on.
If it goes wrong, then at least you tried and then leave things be. Let yourself grieve and move on with your life and trust me you have many more lovely things in store for you in life, and I hope you don't give up on that.

First off, I really want to thank you for your reply; it means a lot

I'm not sure what will happen when I go over, if she'll see me or not. I really have no way of finding her address, I'm lost in that sense and it wouldn't happen. But I'm truthfully so afraid of not doing anything, because she's worth doing everything for.. And trying everything I can do, even if it kills me inside, the alternative of loving without her is worse. In my mind anyway.

I'll need to build her trust, I'm not sure about how to go about that. I guess I'll only really know when I go over if she sees me or not.

I want to thank you again for you reply, and to everyone else. I know it's a lot to read. It's a lot to go through But going through it and being with her would be worth it.

Boskowski

Maybe it's just me, but if I was really in love I'd move no matter what, language, job, whatever, all that would be secondary.

S23

Sorry but can you just clarify something. If you we're really madly in love with this girl (and clearly she had all the time in the world for you to maintain the relationship you had) then can you please explain why you broke up with her 3 times.

I don't think you realise how doing that sh*t to someone else impacts on them. I don't care that you got back together almost immediately or whatever. Thats not relevant now.

Could you expand on your reasons for putting this girl you love so much through the emotional turmoil of telling her you were leaving her on 3 seperate occasions? What was it you said to her in each case?

I'll keep my powder dry (well pretty dry!) until you answer but my gut instinct tells me you really hurt her with your actions and shes finally gotten the courage up to just say enough is enough.

Who is to say if she'd taken you back this time you wouldn't have gone on and broken up with her another 3,6,9.... times.

Shed some light on these break ups and it will help us understand the situation some more regarding the trust issue

AnonoBoy

Sometimes the good ones get away and there's no way to get them back.

Life doesn't end up like the movies, and the more you try to convince someone who doesn't want to be convinced the more you end up driving them away and making them think you're crazy.


Leave it go. Do not go to Germany unannounced. If she hasn't given you her address then take that as a very clear sign that she doesn't want you there.

LegacyUser

S23 wrote: »

Sorry but can you just clarify something. If you we're really madly in love with this girl (and clearly she had all the time in the world for you to maintain the relationship you had) then can you please explain why you broke up with her 3 times.

I don't think you realise how doing that sh*t to someone else impacts on them. I don't care that you got back together almost immediately or whatever. Thats not relevant now.

Could you expand on your reasons for putting this girl you love so much through the emotional turmoil of telling her you were leaving her on 3 seperate occasions? What was it you said to her in each case?

I'll keep my powder dry (well pretty dry!) until you answer but my gut instinct tells me you really hurt her with your actions and shes finally gotten the courage up to just say enough is enough.

Who is to say if she'd taken you back this time you wouldn't have gone on and broken up with her another 3,6,9.... times.

Shed some light on these break ups and it will help us understand the situation some more regarding the trust issue

Thank you for your reply. I guess I should shed some light on them, and you know reading your reply.. It's really made me think how much it must have hurt her to hear that

The first time we broke up, was because of an argument, just a silly argument that got out of hand. The second time, it's hard to think what the second time... I know it was because I acted irrationally and broke it off with her, she was staying with me at the time. She could tell I didn't mean it, because I broke down right away and tried to make up for it. I remember being backed in to a spot about her by something, I just can't remember what it was. And when I get backed in to a spot, I kinda of panic and just say stupid ****.

This third time was because, I could tell she was hurting.. It reminds me of the other times, and I feared I'd say something stupid again. So I taught I could man up, and just give her closure since I loved her that much. This was another stupid decision of mine; I'm truly afraid I let my keeper go

My family is worried about me going over, and I talked to her last night. She couldn't tell me enough how she didn't want me to come over. So I'm not gonna go on the flight, and I'm not gonna contact her anymore. It's hurting even now thinking about it. I think she is moving on very fast, she told me she really liked this new guy. I didn't want her to rush in to anything, I consider myself a good guy. I just hope in time she'll think about me and the good things, maybe she'll meet a bad guy who'll cheat on her and say really bad things.

Maybe only a fool can wish

Thanks again for the replies guys, it means a lot.

smelltheglove

ManOfRegret wrote: »

I just hope in time she'll think about me and the good things, maybe she'll meet a bad guy who'll cheat on her and say really bad things.

Maybe only a fool can wish

Thanks again for the replies guys, it means a lot.

Im sorry but I was feeling quite sympathetic until I read this. If you really love her as much as you say you do why would you wish for this?

LegacyUser

smelltheglove wrote: »

Im sorry but I was feeling quite sympathetic until I read this. If you really love her as much as you say you do why would you wish for this?

I shouldn't have said that, but I'll always want her back so much. I keep running through scenarios in my head that might make her come back to me. This was one, it was immature. I apologize.

I really do want her to be happy, it's just so hard to deal with the fact it might not be with me.

I guess it's another example of the stupid stuff I say sometimes.

Distorted

As well as hurt, I should think your girlfriend would be pretty fed up by being constantly dumped and then told you didn't mean it. Its not exactly a behavioural trait to relish in a man.

You do say some odd things OP, perhaps a bit of thinking about how your behave and the impact it has on others could be of value.

smelltheglove

Take it as a lesson and move on. Your behaviour wont impress her. I had an ex of 4 yrs do this to me. I have to say not only did it wreck my head but also that of my families. Even neighbours slagged him off for turning up at all hours of the night. Its not attractive behaviour. If you want her back you can let her know by ways other than harrassing her.

Think thoughtful, flowers, gifts, you dont have to contact her direct but you could send flowers with the money you will have saved from flights with a nice note saying you still miss her. Send them on your anniversary but dont contact her in between. If she wants to talk she can call you knowing you are thinking of her, if not then move on.

LegacyUser

Hello. I can see from your original post that you really love her and love shouldn't go to waist and against all odds I think you should fight to get her back. However, all you have tried is getting in contact with her, seeing her. Maybe back off, send her flowers, a CD with the tunes you enjoyed together with no further comment then: Love xxxx. And then after a while send her a letter (ok, for that you need her address) as you seem to be a good writer. Find different ways, then the ones you have tried. I'll probably get told off from other posters that this is old fashioned, well it won me over again! I wish you all the best and be creative.

LegacyUser

tryanotherway wrote: »

Hello. I can see from your original post that you really love her and love shouldn't go to waist and against all odds I think you should fight to get her back. However, all you have tried is getting in contact with her, seeing her. Maybe back off, send her flowers, a CD with the tunes you enjoyed together with no further comment then: Love xxxx. And then after a while send her a letter (ok, for that you need her address) as you seem to be a good writer. Find different ways, then the ones you have tried. I'll probably get told off from other posters that this is old fashioned, well it won me over again! I wish you all the best and be creative.

Thank you all guys/ and girls I really appreciate the time you took to reply, this has been on my mind for too long. I'd love to send her flowers, and a card. I even have a birthday present I got her still waiting to get to the one I got it for.

tryanotherway; I'm really happy it worked out for you in the end. Someday I hope it will for me too.

But for now, I'm just gonna back off as best I can. I have been pushy, and far to aggressive in trying to get her back; and it's done a lot more harm than good. I know if I continue this way, I really have lost her forever.

So now I just give her time, and give me time. My mam said something to me last night; it really put me in my place, she said if she can get over her daughter being killed, I can get over this. So I'm gonna give it time.

Some day in the future, when things have sorted themself out. I'll post back here, so you all know how it turns out. Regardless of what happens, I want it known she will have been the one that got away

Thank you everyone. Wish me best ;(

Chinafoot

OP, I'm not trying to be offensive but you genuinely sound far too immature for a serious relationship. Adults who are "madly in love" don't break up after a silly argument, they don't break up again for no particular reason and then do a massive u-turn. Reading your post, you sound about 15 with a scarily romanticised and unrealistic view of relationships.

As others have pointed out, what is going to change if you do get back together? You are in college and aren't going to move to Germany. She is in college and isn't going to move here. Nothing will be different and you will more than likely dump her again. Why would she put herself back in that situation?

She has told you she has moved on. As Beruthiel said, this is the only thing you need to focus on. Going over there when she has asked you not to is really not going to do you any favours and will probably cement her decision even further. Leave her alone to live her life and you do the same.

miec

Hi Op

I'd like to give a perspective from your ex-girlfriend's side. I lived with a man for two years. I loved him very much but it was extremely stressful. Like you he would break it off, but because I was around all the time, the break-ups were much more frequent. If I said something that upset him, he got moody, then defensive, said horrible things and then said it was over. Then, like you, he would be so sorry, make it up and I would take him back. Now for a long time I enabled that behaviour and then finally I put myself first. I stayed strong and made sure the relationship ended. He did not make it easy initially and I had to be a wall. The pain of someone continuously dumping you is horrible, particularly when you care for them deeply. After a while the trust goes and I can tell you, your ex has lost her trust in you and it is gone. She won't take you back because she won't put herself in that position again, it comes down to self protection.

My ex talked like you, now you are young, you have years ahead of you, he is much older so it is doubtful he will change, but I would strongly recommend you get a sense of who you are, do not live your life through another. You will and can get over this girl, hopefully you will learn from it. The kindest thing you can do is let her go fully and let her live her own life. I am not surprised she has found happiness with someone else, the stress of what you put her through was too much. I'm sorry if that is harsh but that is the reality. Focus on yourself, your studies and build things that interest you, over time the pain will lesson.

LegacyUser

The criticisms have been harsh in a sense, but I love the girl. I have to be willing to get what I did wrong, weather or not I don't like some of the things people have said. It's the truth and that's all it is.

Thanks for all the good replies, and even the bad ones(Just so you know I'm not immature). Whatever happens in the future, I'll learn from what I've done. I never want to put another girl through that again, especially one I love.

Time for me to go on now, and try make something of myself. Wish me luck people. Thanks once again; I hope you all live happy productive lives.

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LegacyUser

Hey everyone.

Well, it's been a few weeks. I don't know what to say really, just felt like updating the situation. We tried be friends, keep in touch, but I couldn't shake the feeling of wanting her back. So I told her we can't be friends and I've cut all contact with her, and I won't ring, or email her again.

I know she might be coming to my town for new years like she always does, it's weird because I don't want to see her. She's not coming to see me, just for new years. I know we'll meet in the pub, because it's the one we always go too. Has anyone any advice on how to handle a situation like that? I can't not go, because I promised my friend I'd go with him.

As regards to my feelings, the whole thing still hurts, and I do think about everything, going to bed is the hardest part because it's when I have nothing else to think about.

She's really moved on now, but I was wondering.. Do you guys not think moving on(meaning she kissed a guy, and now they "really like each other") from me within 2 weeks is a bit soon? =/

I'm ready to move on now, partly frustrated and loneliness, but I'm not going to rush anything. There's a girl at college who "I like the look of", in that she looks pretty and she looks nice.

So my other question, how do you think I should approach her? I rarely get to see her, I think she's doing a part time course at the college while I'm doing full time. I see her maybe 2 times a week, I'm usually in class cause her timetable must be different.

So the situation is, she's waiting outside my class room to go to her class, while I'm in class. How do I go about approaching her without coming across as just another guy hitting on her. If any girls could answer, what would you like a guy to do in that situation, I'm reasonably goodlooking and I'd consider myself different to other guys behavior wise. So how do I show it? First impression is everything and I want to get it right.