Broke up after 8 years

LegacyUser

My ex (it is still so alien even to refer to him in those terms) and I broke up four months ago. We broke up because he had been consistently prioritising me last behind everyone else in his life and it eventually became unbearable. I felt humiliated, shamed, degraded, undervalued, hurt... the whole nine yards basically. We had been very happy for a long time but all this started late last year and in the summer of this year it had just gone too far, so I left.

There's nothing for it but to move on and I know that. All my friends tell me how well I'm doing (I joined the gym, lost weight, bought half a dozen pairs of heels, tons of new clothes etc etc) but I am still just miserable inside a lot of the time. Eight years is a lot to let go of and I loved him very much. I am also (and this really is the crux of the problem) chewed up with resentment and dissapointment about the way I was treated. Eight fcuking years and then to be treated like someone who meant nothing to him - I am still angry, resentful and just deeply embittered by the whole thing. The biggest feeling though is the dissapointment, that is the hardest thing to cope with.

This has been a particularly tough week. For reasons totally unrelated I've had cause to feel threatened and deeply shocked this week, and it has really brought home to me the fact that I do not have anybody special to turn to during tough times. I have good friends but it's not the same. I was going through my phone the other day because I needed to talk about what had gone on (during the week) and I realised that there wasn't anybody I wanted to talk to. There wasn't anyone who could fill the place he has vacated, if you know what I mean.

I am just so hurt and lonely right now. It's like, four months have gone by and now the worst of the anger has passed all I'm left with is this massive dissapointment and I just don't see how I'm ever supposed to get over this. I don't see how I'm ever supposed to trust a man again because if he can treat me like this after eight years then what can I expect from anyone else? For that reason it's like he hasn't just taken himself out of my life, he's taken every other man along with him.

I can't remember ever having been this miserable before. We haven't had any contact whatsoever in either direction since the day we broke up. I'd rather go bobbing for apples in a deep fat fryer than contact that b@stard, God forgive me.

Sorry for going on and on and thanks for reading. Any practial suggestions about getting over this breakup would be gratefully recieved.

tinkerbell

OP *hugs* *huge big hugs* to you. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Eight years is such a long time to be with someone, you must be devastated.

All I can say is that in time, it will get better. Time heals the pain. But I understand what you say about how you don't have others to talk to about stuff that is really personal. Obviously 8 yrs of going out with someone, that person will be the person you are most closest to.

What I would recommend is keep things up with your friends, and you'll rebuild those friendships into closer friendships and then you will have a few friends that can be in your circle of those who you would say personal things to.

I'm sorry I don't have more advice for you, this must be a really tough time for you, but keep the chin up, you're better off without him anyway if he treated you badly. *hugs*

neveah

A break up is so hard, especially after 8 years and I agree with the previous poster, you can't expect to be fully over it only 4 months later. It will take time.

My best advice is to cut contact, you don't want to know what he's doing. Keep listening to your friends, if they say you are doing well then you are, give yourself some credit! Keep busy and most importantly do things for you, you are the most important person right now.

I broke up with my ex over a year ago and I'm only just really and truly getting over it now. It has taken me a long time and I was treated very badly by my ex as well and I went through a range of emotions including anger, resentment and sadness. I think I only started feeling better when I started to let go of those emotions. It's like I went through a process and I think that is exactly what you are going through too. I felt lonely as well, I had someone for 5 years and suddenly they didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. It takes time to work through such an big emotional change.

There is no magic cure unfortunately but I promise you will start to feel better. Take this time in your life to try new things, spend as much time as possible with friends and family, join a class, go on a holiday. Be good to yourself, this time is about you. I wouldn't think about any other man right now, go out and flirt and chat to men but wait and give yourself time before you move into something serious. You are vulnerable right now and based on my own experience I think you need to have a bit of a laugh with your friends for a while. Re-focus on building up your confidence as you have been badly burned. It's tough but remember that old saying - what doesn't kill you will make you stronger! Next time round you won't take any ****, you will learn from this experience. Chin up!

whitehallp

Hey there, I sympathise, I really do - similar situation myself last year - 15 yr rel, and same thing for the last yr and half became unbearable to be around / live with - changed not completely (maybe was always a bit of a d%$k) but overnight. I found out reason why - another girl.

Anyway, just wanted to say I know it is awful - in my case I was actually relieved to be away from him but still those feelings u described really do eat u up. u have to remember one thing - it does not matter how many years u have together unfortunately, if they dont want u or to be civil with u anymore they just wont be - and they dont care about the years u spent with them.So in a way why should u? I found that refreshing logic when someone said it to me.

Anyway, on to the fun stuff -go out, go wild baby if u feel like it:) . Your life is ur own now and it sounds like ur doing a pretty good job, new heels, gym -all great things - keep it up. It WILL get better.

I also had a situation where I felt completely alone and I just had to deal with it -did same thing as u - could not think of ONE single person I wanted to talk to but u do get through it - and thats part of the process I suppose - learning to deal with things on ur own though it is hard. Anyway i wish u all the best but imagine this -imagine going back to him and being treated the same way. If u did by chance talk to him about a prob ur having he would prob just use it against u to drag u down because unfort thats human nature and the worst/.best thing u can do to him is move on because nobody likes being left behind even (especially!!) the ones that do the dumping. I found that out when I refused to answer texts that came out of the blue 9 mths later - they became more frequent and got more pathetic - I did laugh. It was a good moment:D. So hit the treadmill - its horrible now I know but dont set urself back. One last thing -try a weekend break to pamper urself if u can at this point - I made sure to do that every few mths - money well spent so I wouldnt set myself back and it does help so best of luck and let us know how ur doing;)

LegacyUser

Thanks so much girls for your heartfelt posts, they mean more than you know.

..and yes I will come back with more news/info if there's anything worth reporting!

Trying (hard!)

Penny Dreadful

Trying wrote: »

Thanks so much girls for your heartfelt posts, they mean more than you know.

..and yes I will come back with more news/info if there's anything worth reporting!

Trying (hard!)

Hi:) I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 years a year ago and like other posters have said, was glad to be away from the situation (it was similar to yours) but at the same time 10 years was 10 years. I concentrated on "being fine" for months and eventually hit the wall.
My family were fantastic and suggested counselling which I went for and it was the best thing ever. The person I saw really helped me see the wood from the trees and work through my feelings, thoughts and emotions.
I've come out the other side of it all and started seeing a wonderful guy a few months ago and although in some ways the war wounds are still a little tender life is great again. Good luck with everything and if you'd like to PM me please feel free.