boyfriend has no mates,should i be worried

LegacyUser

I'm with my boyfriend 6 months, he is gorgeous looking, funny and we get on very well. to describe his personality - he is down to earth, very chatty and has a great sense of humour, this is all what attracted me to him.
however, he doesn't have any friends. He talks about friends in past tense, like 'a friend of mine, we went to such a place years ago'.
I've alot of friends and he hangs out with us and their boyfriends, everyone seems to like him, so i don't understand why he has no friends of his own .
is this strange?
he is part of a football team, but none of these are 'friends'. he either goes drinking with me and my mates and their fella's or goes to the pub with his dad.

LegacyUser

I would be a bit worried if a partner had no friends whatsoever.

Then again, there could be many reasons for it.

I have a mate who only has one bunch of friends - if we stopped hanging with him, he'd have no one. I am quite social and have various groups of friends. If I fell out one group, I'd have other friends.

Have you ever asked him?
What age is he?

It could be that his friends are all hooked up/married/have emigrated and he's been left on his own.

I have another friend and he's been seeing a girl for a year now. I've never met her. He basically hangs around with her friends and her family now. He does it every time he sees someone - ie, dumps his mates and we see him once every two months now. (I've done it myself the odd time). So it could be that he finds you and your friends more interesting/more fun and doesn't bother with his old friends.

Have you ever asked him about it?

LighterGuy

Hmmm, its possible he hasnt really got many friends. Or it could be the old saying "when a guy gets a girl, He rarely sees the mates" ... (Which alot of guys do. Mates are grand and all but at the end of the day a guy wants a girl and she becomes first in his book)

But I think how many friends a partner has doesnt necessary have to be an issue. Thats of course unless they cling onto their partner alot due to lack of friends on their side. Then its an issue.

sbsquarepants

Maybe he just doesn't like to be one of a crowd? Some people just prefer smaller groups, myself included. Takes all sorts!!

LegacyUser

hi op, he's 29. i think its just strange, it's like 'is he a dope or something and i cannot see it, like why has he no mates'. his msn list is empty, just his family and me on it.
i didn't ask him directly, but once he was moaning cos he wanted to go to the pub and i wasnt in the humour and i said 'can you not go with your friends' to see what response, and he said 'i dont have any friends', i said 'why' and he just said 'you cant trust anyone' . was this just his excuse/answer for not having friends.
i'd be embarrased to say to my family or friends 'john has no friends'. my sister actually passed a remark on it before , 'has he not got any friends, i never hear you or him mentioning his friends'. i start making up 'friends' names out of embarrasment.
sorry if i sound shallow, i dont mean to sound like that.

Zeouterlimits

You've been going out for 6 months, what's his opinion on why he doesn't?

BKtje

Is he new to the city? Could his friends be elsewhere?

LegacyUser

boyfriendnofriends wrote: »

hi op, he's 29. i think its just strange, it's like 'is he a dope or something and i cannot see it, like why has he no mates'. his msn list is empty, just his family and me on it.
i didn't ask him directly, but once he was moaning cos he wanted to go to the pub and i wasnt in the humour and i said 'can you not go with your friends' to see what response, and he said 'i dont have any friends', i said 'why' and he just said 'you cant trust anyone' . was this just his excuse/answer for not having friends.
i'd be embarrased to say to my family or friends 'john has no friends'. my sister actually passed a remark on it before , 'has he not got any friends, i never hear you or him mentioning his friends'. i start making up 'friends' names out of embarrasment.
sorry if i sound shallow, i dont mean to sound like that.

This seems very mean spirited OP and a bit chilldish. I was shocked to read that this post came from somebody in their late 20s!. So what if the guy has no friends. Take him as he comes to you, how he interacts with you and most of all the quality of person he is i.e. honest, loyal, caring, thoughtful, Honourable, decent. These are the traits that matter, not on the number of freinds he has on facebook or whatever. You even said it yourself that he interacts fine with you and your friends. Just becuase he appears to have no friends that doesnt make him any less worthwhile than somebody who has 100s of friends. And thats basically what youre doing: Measuring his worth by how many friends he has. I know people who are vile creatures to say the least(hardcore criminals) but they have friends. The fact that they have friends doesnt make them any less vile though.
Bottom line is make up your own mind about this guy based on the quality of person he is, not on how few people he has as friends on facebook or msn or whatever.

LegacyUser

boyfriendnofriends wrote: »

.........and he said 'i dont have any friends', i said 'why' and he just said 'you cant trust anyone' . was this just his excuse/answer for not having friends.
.

Well that would worry me. Does he trust anyone?

I had a gf who was very distrustful of people and I found that difficult as I would be more trusting. I just didn't like her natural suspicion of other people while I game them a chance. She would dump friends quite easily whereas I'd make an effor tto work things out.

I would ask him straight out.

BTW, my brother has no real mates. He never had any great friends - would have maybe 1 or 2 casual friends but they wouldn't be best mates. He's a nice guy and a little nerdy. He has a wife and kids and would probably be happy with that.

HavingCrack

Hmmm, I probably would be slightly worried to be honest. If it's not a problem now it might start to be. He might start getting very clingy if he has no one else. And his words "you can't trust anyone" sound a little bit odd to be honest. It's possible he had a big fight with his friends in the past and now he's afraid to socialise with anyone? Impossible to know unless you ask him.

whitehallp

Well, sometimes it just happens. I have a cousin who is incredibly shy and quiet and has only a few mates, they're more acquaintances and hangs with the family mostly but recently met a girl and we're all delighted for him because his social group has now expanded and they all love him because he is a lovely guy and it gives him a lot of confidence because he has his gf to introduce him. Maybe its the same with your guy, sometimes genuine people get peed off with people and have a hard time trusting again until they feel safe then their personality shines through. This sounds like the case here. If things are good between you why question it - in time he may get confidence to branch out as hes having a bit of practice being sociable with you, maybe he was just out of practice. Anyway, my ex had loads of friends and to be honest a lot of them were idiots and he always held their opinion on a pedestal, and some of them were pure p$%£ks, he even dropped many lovely friends that we both knew years before and these other pack of idiots were dreadful influence, but then thats his prob as he should have had a mind of his own, so maybe its not as bad as u think, think how it could be to date eg a football hooligan with a crowd of ardent supporters - now thats torture:) If its anything strange you will find out, trust your instincts, good luck!!

chainsaws

Hi OP.
Some guys just don't say much and keep to themselves.
They just don't find other men interesting at all and are more interested in women.
It's like the nursey ryhme:
"Georgy Porgy, pudding and pie, kissed the girls to make them cry,
When the boys came out to play, Georgy Porgy ran away.'
Guy like that are often more interested in movies and reading books or listening to music, stuff they can do by themselves and are not interested in chatting in the pub, football or GAA because it bores them to tears.
Most guys have mates because they lack confidence and they need other guys to bounce their problems off or kick back with.
Loners are generally guys who are intelligent, confident and don't really need the support of other guys.
They are usually more interested in women and can often be seen as cissies when they aren't.
Not saying your man is like this but it is food for thought if some of his behaviour seems to fit.
It's probably just his way.
Some people live through other people - they need friends, they need to go out and they know everybody but put them down a mine like those guys in Chile and they will crack up.
Then there are other people who are solitary and nobody understands them.
They live on their own, they keep quiet BUT they seem happy enough.
They might be well able to talk to a person one to one and shake a few words but they get irritated when they have to entertain a large group of people and keep track of what's going on.
You two seem like chalk and cheese so if your relationship is going to go anywhere you both have to talk about how different you both are - you seem more sociable and he's quiet and reserved.
Nothing wrong with that unless you make it a problem.

sara-lou

Hi OP, it depends on the guy.

My fella hasn't any of his old friends from school or after, he wasn't into football but liked music and cars and that, solo stuff really. He has always got on with everybody though and always went out with guys from work. He just happens to work for himself now so he's lost touch with old work friends, ya know how that is. He isn't overly outgoing but not socially awkward either.

If he is a great guy and you are happy i don't think you should worry, its very easy to lose touch with aquantainces over the years, lost a good few myself. Life goes on and changes for everybody

RacoonQueen

I have lots of friends but I don't see many of them. When you grow up, especially as you hit your mid/late 20's people just drift apart. Life gets in the way unfortunately. There are numerous reasons why I don't see or be in contact with my friends but when we do get together it's always like we've never been apart. Maybe he's the same?

Life, work, other commitments are always going to take away from time you get to spend with mates. Don't see a problem myself, even if he actually doesn't have any friends I still don't see a problem, he's probably had a lot of them in the past and they just don't see each other anymore.

Moomoo1

boyfriendnofriends wrote: »

hi op, he's 29. i think its just strange, it's like 'is he a dope or something and i cannot see it, like why has he no mates'. his msn list is empty, just his family and me on it.
i didn't ask him directly, but once he was moaning cos he wanted to go to the pub and i wasnt in the humour and i said 'can you not go with your friends' to see what response, and he said 'i dont have any friends', i said 'why' and he just said 'you cant trust anyone' . was this just his excuse/answer for not having friends.
i'd be embarrased to say to my family or friends 'john has no friends'. my sister actually passed a remark on it before , 'has he not got any friends, i never hear you or him mentioning his friends'. i start making up 'friends' names out of embarrasment.
sorry if i sound shallow, i dont mean to sound like that.

you never know what happened. It's possible that he did have friends and then something happened and they fell out badly. Quite possible that it wasn't his fault either.

or maybe he didn't really have close friends, and whatever mates he had drifted away (and what he means is that he trusted them to keep in touch and they showed no interest in doing so).

or perhaps he is someone who is 100% into his job and relationship and just doesn't have enough time for too many people in his life. A couple of bad experiences and he went off trying to be part of the crowd altogether.

or possibly he always wanted friends, and always wanted to make friends, but for whatever reason it never happened for him.

it really could be anything. Surely after 6 months together you have a 'feel' of what he's like?

luciusesox

People move on, change circles, friends (esp. in groups) tend to come and go. Me personally, I like the words of Jerome K. Jerome...

"Friends, like books, should be few and well chosen."

Relax.

StillWaters

HzNot having friends does not in itself ring alarm bells, other posters have explained why this may be the case. However, his answer when challenged, is a huge red flag.

sun_moon_stars

hi op im 27 and a married woman and i have no friends because all of my "friends" went behind my back etc etc and tbh im not interested in making anymore because i just cant do it again its happened 3 times so far with people i was very close to one i was friends with for 12 years maybe your bf unfortunately met the kind of people that i did who are just out for themselves

neveah

I was recently having a conversation with a friend about what kind of qualities we'd like in a man and she said 'Make sure he has a few good friends, it shows that he can forge strong, meaningful relationships with people'. I had never thought about it like that before but maybe she has a point?

Is there a reason why he doesn't have any friends? If there is something to explain it then maybe it will make it easier to understand. For example I know a girl whose boyfriend doesn't socialise a lot or have a lot of male friends, it turns out that years ago he was hanging around with a rough crowd, he didn't want to maintain the lifestyle that went with hanging around with those people so he pulled himself out of that circle.

Babooshka

It really depends whether or not it bothers him if he has no friends. And it says more about you, if you're more worried than he is. You say you would be embarrassed to admit to your family that your boyfriend has no friends. You have to get over your own ego before worrying about your boyfriend to be honest. It sounds like you care more about what other people think of him than his well being.

Some people are not social. Some people don't have an MSN or a facebook account. Some people are secure enough in themselves to forge one or two friendships in life and siphen the rest of the noise out. It could be that he is one of these people. It could be, as you said, he said something about "not trusting anyone" that he has been burned in the past and is too insecure to make or keep friendships, you'll probably find out in time if you try to get to know him better, but asking a bunch of strangers what they think...well, I don't know if it will help, really.

Everyone's different, not everyone needs friends. But if you need your boyfriend to need friends then it is saying more about you than it is him.

LighterGuy

neveah wrote: »

I was recently having a conversation with a friend about what kind of qualities we'd like in a man and she said 'Make sure he has a few good friends, it shows that he can forge strong, meaningful relationships with people'. I had never thought about it like that before but maybe she has a point?

I can see the logic behind that. But for example most cheaters have lots of friends.

Beruthiel

unreg181010 wrote: »

This seems very mean spirited OP and a bit chilldish. I was shocked to read that this post came from somebody in their late 20s!. So what if the guy has no friends. Take him as he comes to you, how he interacts with you and most of all the quality of person he is i.e. honest, loyal, caring, thoughtful, Honourable, decent. These are the traits that matter, not on the number of freinds he has on facebook or whatever. You even said it yourself that he interacts fine with you and your friends. Just becuase he appears to have no friends that doesnt make him any less worthwhile than somebody who has 100s of friends. And thats basically what youre doing: Measuring his worth by how many friends he has. I know people who are vile creatures to say the least(hardcore criminals) but they have friends. The fact that they have friends doesnt make them any less vile though.
Bottom line is make up your own mind about this guy based on the quality of person he is, not on how few people he has as friends on facebook or msn or whatever.

This sums it up perfectly for me.
You should read it a couple of times OP.
There are many reasons for him not to be surrounded in friends.
People change and grow apart.
People move on.
People move away.
People start families and don't have time.
Friends will come and go in your life. It is possible to have a lull in the amount of people readily available to socialise with you on a regular basis.
If he is a busy man, he may not have had time to make new ones.
Either way, to judge him on this one thing when he seems perfectly fine in every other way, is tad shallow.

ilovefridays

look at the other side of the coin, if he had a load of friends and was out on the piss with 'the lads' all the time, you'd probably be complaining too:rolleyes:

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

Either way, to judge him on this one thing when he seems perfectly fine in every other way, is tad shallow.

I do not agree with that.

If I met a girl with few friends, I would in some way wonder about her and the why behind it.

I would have slight doubts about people who have retained (or possibly made) no friends from school, college, work, travel or clubs/socially.

For someone to have no friends though would put me off a bit.

Sephiroth_dude

maybetho wrote: »

For someone to have no friends though would put me off a bit.

Why exactly?

elbee

I would be a little concerned OP, not that he has no friends (as lots of other people have said, there's plenty of possible reasons for that) but at his answer when you asked him about it.

It's possible he's just had a lot of bad luck with friends he's made, that can happen to anyone, but if he finds it hard to trust people, then he may also find it hard to trust you. Have you seen any signs of that so far?

Also, I don't think it's fair to say that the OP is being shallow or selfish to worry about this. She's trying to figure out if the guy she's seeing has the same values as her, ie does he consider friendships important. I don't think that's a small issue. Yes, it would be very nasty to judge someone because they were going through a bit of a social lull, or because a lot of their friends had moved on/gotten married etc. but the OP's bf doesn't seem to be in that situation at all.

OP, I would also worry that if the relationship naturally fails over time and he had grown close to your friends, that you might feel guilty ending the relationship as he wouldn't have anyone else in his life, and thus might end up feeling trapped. Does he have a full life outside the relationship? Close family, hobbies, interests etc?

Butterflylove

My partner came from a pretty bad neighborhood and once he got out in his late teens he left his school friends behind as they became people he didnt want to know anymore,

He has a couple of friends he has made from work but no one he would call his best,

We discussed this before and he said while he is sociable and very friendly, he finds it hard with having to make such an effort sometimes with friends as he's quite busy.

I find alot of people are in the same position.

I know myself I have just a few close friends,

Lux23

I went through a phase when I was 22 when I had literally no friends; basically I had a very bad bout of depression and I found that so many people are fair weather mates!! Maybe he had a similar experience but just decided he wouldn't bother trusting people again.

I now have pockets of friends all over the place and tend to suit myself when it comes to nights out and things. But maybe your boyfriend felt it just wasn't worth the effort.

Darlughda

OP, you have no idea how many people over the age of 25 and 30 sink into depression because of their lack of friends.

Friends really do come and go.
Strong long term friendships often have years' gaps due to emigration, family/ work other social commitments. The strongest of these friendships do often pop up at the odd Christmas, but they are not regular 'social buddies'.

Many people wish to associate, and be 'friends' with those who reflect where they are at social status wise, these same people are usually very keen to befriend those who they may percieve as being at some higher level of status, therefore extra effort is made to 'befriend' such people.

So, there is a social hierarchy that goes on with people who have cracking social lives, and 'loads' of friends.
IMO, I would be very worried about befriending a woman, or entering a relationship with a man who had loads and loads of friends.

It suggests a shallow, insecure, not-very-intelligent person who cannot stop enacting a rolein order to get some silly nonsense idea of who they are, and how they want to be perceived by their peers.

Many people who die by suicide, and those who are suffering from depression have spoken of the intense isolation they feel, and sense of failure as a person for not having friends, let alone having many friends, nor a variety of 'groups' to choose a night out with, or for their company to ever be requested.

To be honest, OP, I think your boyfriend could do better than you. You seem to have no basic understanding of the difference between socialising and true, real relationships as frienships that are worth it, can be.

Maybe, he has very good reasos not to trust people easily. Have you asked him why? Are you able to be non-judgemental and objective enough to truly listen to him?

Sardonicat

For the first time ever, myself and Darlughda are in agreement! OP you seem more embarrased about what other people think than concerened for your bf. If you've been with him for 6 months and are happy he is not a weirdo, the chances are he isn't. He obviously feels secure enough not to engage in shallow social relationships to make him feel better about himself. Believe me, no company is better than bad comapny.

Darlughda

See, OP, me and Sardonicat are friends now.

Just you wait until we disagree on some thread again, both of us will get banned faster than you can hit F5.

Such is life. Why is the idea of having loadsa friends so important to you anyway?

War Machine 539

I have few friends. Many acquaintances, few friends, At the end of the day its because i'm awkward, I hate social convention, dont drink, dont party, dont follow crowds. I would rather be a wolf than a sheep. Loads of sheep. Not many wolves! I wouldnt worry, Im sure he is conscious of it. And you said yourself, he is a nice bloke, so I wouldnt worry!

LegacyUser

Darlughda wrote: »

Friends really do come and go.
Strong long term friendships often have years' gaps due to emigration, family/ work other social commitments. The strongest of these friendships do often pop up at the odd Christmas, but they are not regular 'social buddies'.

IMO, I would be very worried about befriending a woman, or entering a relationship with a man who had loads and loads of friends.

It suggests a shallow, insecure, not-very-intelligent person who cannot stop enacting a rolein order to get some silly nonsense idea of who they are, and how they want to be perceived by their peers.

Many people who die by suicide, and those who are suffering from depression have spoken of the intense isolation they feel, and sense of failure as a person for not having friends, let alone having many friends, nor a variety of 'groups' to choose a night out with, or for their company to ever be requested.

To be honest, OP, I think your boyfriend could do better than you. You seem to have no basic understanding of the difference between socialising and true, real relationships as frienships that are worth it, can be.

Maybe, he has very good reasos not to trust people easily. Have you asked him why? Are you able to be non-judgemental and objective enough to truly listen to him?

That is a very biased view of people who happen to be popular or enjoy socialising.

My my. I never realised that having some quality mates and other people who's company I enjoy makes me "shallow, insecure and not very intelligient". Friendships are on different levels and having one or two very good friends can help in life.

I would be suspicious of someone with absolutely no friends. Why? Because it's quite odd. What did he do for socialising before he met the OP? How come he has no one from his past in his present.

OP, find out the reason he has no friends. Then make a decision based upon that.

chainsaws

maybetho wrote: »

That is a very biased view of people who happen to be popular or enjoy socialising.

My my. I never realised that having some quality mates and other people who's company I enjoy makes me "shallow, insecure and not very intelligient". Friendships are on different levels and having one or two very good friends can help in life.

I would be suspicious of someone with absolutely no friends. Why? Because it's quite odd. What did he do for socialising before he met the OP? How come he has no one from his past in his present.

OP, find out the reason he has no friends. Then make a decision based upon that.

What is odd about having no friends? There are lots of people who don't have close friends and have just acquaintances they meet now and again and aren't worried about it either.
There are lots of couples with one really sociable partner and one really quiet partner.
That's not odd. That's just people being different.
I don't think that it's mature or respectful to dismiss people who keep themselves to themselves. That's just the way they are made.
There are all kinds of people in society.
Some people who have no friends might have mild autism, depression or anxiety.
It can be very hurtful.

HavingCrack

chainsaws wrote: »

What is odd about having no friends? There are lots of people who don't have close friends and have just acquaintances they meet now and again and aren't worried about it either.
There are lots of couples with one really sociable partner and one really quiet partner.
That's not odd. That's just people being different.
I don't think that it's mature or respectful to dismiss people who keep themselves to themselves. That's just the way they are made.
There are all kinds of people in society.
Some people who have no friends might have mild autism, depression or anxiety.
It can be very hurtful.

However, equally calling people who have lots of friends "shallow and insecure" is just as immature and disrespectful.

chainsaws

HavingCrack wrote: »

However, equally calling people who have lots of friends "shallow and insecure" is just as immature and disrespectful.

Of course it is. Never said it wasn't.

boarduser1980

elbee wrote: »

Also, I don't think it's fair to say that the OP is being shallow or selfish to worry about this. She's trying to figure out if the guy she's seeing has the same values as her,

i totally agree with this point. it's a bit harsh to call her shallow or selfish, she is only asking if it is strange, this does not make her selfish or shallow

LegacyUser

In Ireland there seems to be an obsession with the leaving cert, property ownership, marriage and of course having friends and by god if you dont conform to the above you are strange.

This seems to be the thinking of lots of Irish people.

Children have friends fair enough, adults should be able to cope without them. Lots do.

OP, your boyfriend should get rid of you fast for you having an attitude like that about him having no friends.

Though, perhaps he has friends and doesn't want them to meet you as you are just a bit on the side...and I wouldn't blame him!

seenitall

trust78 wrote: »

In Ireland there seems to be an obsession with the leaving cert, property ownership, marriage and of course having friends and by god if you dont conform to the above you are strange.

This seems to be the thinking of lots of Irish people.

Children have friends fair enough, adults should be able to cope without them. Lots do.

OP, your boyfriend should get rid of you fast for you having an attitude like that about him having no friends.

Though, perhaps he has friends and doesn't want them to meet you as you are just a bit on the side...and I wouldn't blame him!

A disrespectful and narrow-minded post.

The only guy I have ever known to have no friends whatsoever, turned out to be a scammer and a thief within a couple of months of knowing him, and I was the robbed mug. My defences were down because he wasn't a pick-up artist or a sleazeball. But with what he put me through, I almost wish he had been those things instead!

If the lesson that this experience thought me makes me "shallow" in the eyes of someone like you, I am all the happier for that!

OP, I am sure you will be grand and that your b/f is perhaps just not very sociable; I just want to say that there is nothing shallow about being concerned about someone's lack of sociability and/or of people who like them! Just keep getting to know him.

Best wishes.

LegacyUser

So basically we should be suspicious of people with no friends?

Quiet people also?

Diddler82

The only way I have known guys to lose pretty much all of their friends is when they steal another friends girl.

A lot of speculation here so just thought I would add to it!

seenitall

trust78 wrote: »

So basically we should be suspicious of people with no friends?

Quiet people also?

No, not necessarily, but it never hurts to not be judgmental about someone wondering why their OH doesn't have any friends. It is a perfectly legitimate question, as I have learned at my expense. The reason may be simple, or it could run deeper and be a warning sign, as per sunflower's post also.

It always pays to have eyes wide open when in a new relationship.

LegacyUser

Some of the most obnoxious, fake, horrible people I have known in my life have had lots of friends. So whether you have friends or not really says nothing about the type of person you are.
Some people have friends because they hate to be alone, some people have friends because they feel it validates them as people, some people have friends because they simply like having someone to chat to and share experiences with, and so on. Equally some people don't have friends because they prefer their own company, they've been hurt in the past, they've lost touch with old friends and so on. All that really matters is that you are happy with your choices. If your boyfriend is happy and well adjusted and not clingy then you have nothing to worry about.
I'll be honest I would hate to have people judge me on the friends that I have.

seenitall

Miss UnReg wrote: »

Some of the most obnoxious, fake, horrible people I have known in my life have had lots of friends. So whether you have friends or not really says nothing about the type of person you are.
Some people have friends because they hate to be alone, some people have friends because they feel it validates them as people, some people have friends because they simply like having someone to chat to and share experiences with, and so on. Equally some people don't have friends because they prefer their own company, they've been hurt in the past, they've lost touch with old friends and so on. All that really matters is that you are happy with your choices. If your boyfriend is happy and well adjusted and not clingy then you have nothing to worry about.
I'll be honest I would hate to have people judge me on the friends that I have.

I would like nothing better than to be estimated ("judged") on the friends that I have.

LegacyUser

seenitall wrote: »

Your last sentence goes some way in explaining your take on the "no-friends" thing (whatever about the irony of calling others fake...).

I would like nothing better than to be estimated ("judged") on my friends and generally the company I keep. While I may have a disastrous to non-existant love life, I can honestly say that I only befriend sound people who complement and suit my character and temperament, and I think the world of most of my friends.

Perhaps I should have clarified that more, I would hate for people to judge me on the amount of friends of have, not the type of people they are. I find your suggestion that I am fake somewhat insulting, and irrelevant, considering you seem to have missed my point entirely and misread my post. My point was that there is nothing wrong with having friends, nor is there anything wrong with having no friends. Some horrible people have friends, some horrible people don't have friends. And people have their own reasons for being in either situation. As long as the OP is happy with her boyfriend and he is happy with himself what is the issue.

seenitall

Miss UnReg wrote: »

Perhaps I should have clarified that more, I would hate for people to judge me on the amount of friends of have, not the type of people they are. I find your suggestion that I am fake somewhat insulting, and irrelevant, considering you seem to have missed my point entirely and misread my post. My point was that there is nothing wrong with having friends, nor is there anything wrong with having no friends. Some horrible people have friends, some horrible people don't have friends. And people have their own reasons for being in either situation. As long as the OP is happy with her boyfriend and he is happy with himself what is the issue.

Slow down, Miss UnReg,

I didn't misread anything, it was you who wrote that you wouldn't want to be judged on the "friends you have". If you meant "the amount of friends you have", you should have written that instead, only then would there be no misunderstanding. However, on the evidence of your correction, I will amend my earlier post, I wouldn't want to cause offence to anyone... unless they deserve it, of course. (I will also amend it because it reads as if I am bragging about my exquisite choice of friends, and that IS irrelevant.)

There may be nothing wrong in having friends (depending on the kind of people they are) and there may be nothing wrong with having no friends at all (depending on the reasons behind it; such as no-one liking the person, for example).

LegacyUser

seenitall wrote: »

Slow down, Miss UnReg,

I didn't misread anything, it was you who wrote that you wouldn't want to be judged on the "friends you have". If you meant "the amount of friends you have", you should have written that instead, only then would there be no misunderstanding. However, on the evidence of your correction, I will amend my earlier post, I wouldn't want to cause offence to anyone... unless they deserve it, of course. (I will also amend it because it reads as if I am bragging about my exquisite choice of friends, and that IS irrelevant.)

There may be nothing wrong in having friends (depending on the kind of people they are) and there may be nothing wrong with having no friends at all (depending on the reasons behind it; such as no-one liking the person, for example).

I meant you misread my whole post in that you seemed to miss my point, not that you misread that one line about the friends I have. Anyway we are in agreement.

herosa

I think you are right to be cautious. I have met two people in my life with no friends. At the time I was younger and relaxed about it but in time I found out why they had no friends. It was because they were both really bad people who had left a trail of destruction in their wake. Some people just live like that,moving on from victim to victim when people realise what they are really like. On the other hand sometimes you genuinely do lose touch with people. I have lost touch with so many people because we have all moved around so much but we all parted on good terms. It really depends on a persons individual circumstances. If he had said that he had no friends cos so and so got married and so and so emigrated etc I would relax but his answer is a bit odd. When you meet anyone in this life you have to realise that you are not the first person to have come into contact with them and its natural and smart to wonder about the experiences of those who went before. Do you know anyone from his old life? Sometimes people drop hints to warn you not just by what they say but sometimes by what they dont say too ie. lack of positive comments or a curious closed up look on their faces when someones name is mentioned. I believe in female intuition-a woman should always trust her instincts. So my advice is to tread carefully and start digging for info!

LegacyUser

OP - My boyfriend is the same. He's 29 also and has no proper mates. He gets on great with the lad's in work (I know this as i used to work there!) but they're all different ages and nationalities, and some are married and dont go out much socially...
Like your boyfriend, he talks about friends in the past tense so I know he has been in groups of mates. He has bumped into one or two of them on nights out aswell and has introduced me and had brief chats with them. He was very shy when I met him (come out of his shell alot now!) and I honestly think it's just a thing that any friends he had growing up have all gone their seperate ways. Alot of friends drift apart as they get older and I would NEVER let it bother me. I've never been overly concerned and I'm with him a year and a half now! He gets on very well with my friends and family and I love him and that's all that matters to me!!

alexa5x5

I can relate to your boyfriend. I have a few acquaintances but no best friend. Well that’s not entirely true, my boyfriend is my best friend but other than that, nope.
I lost both my parents when I was a child and the rest of my childhood and teenage years where absolute hell. Friends I thought I had before my parents died turned out to be completely useless. In fairness to them we where just kids, but because they didn’t know what to say to me or how to treat me, they stopped talking to me. After this I didn’t know who to trust or who I could rely on and I ended up befriending some very toxic people. As I got older I saw these people for what they truly where and I removed them from my life.
Only over the last 4 years or so I can say I happy with myself and my life. Ill admit I would like to have more friends in my life but I find it very difficult to get to know people and more importantly trust them.
They reason I told you my soppy story is to highlight that everyone has a story, even if they are not willing to talk about it openly. Some people have been badly burned in there life and because of this trust does not come easy. I myself only truly trust my boyfriend now, after 8years!
Your boyfriend might have had some terrible experiences in his life that you don’t know about….give him time, he obviously has trust issues.

LegacyUser

OP, you're not shallow in wondering why your boyfriend has no friends. Unfortunately, you're getting a lot of replies saying that you are but please remember this is an internet forum. We're hardly the best judge when it comes to friendships!

A twenty nine year old, however, saying 'you can't trust anyone' just screams self pity to me. It sounds like something a petulant teenager would say. Ask him why he feels he can't trust his friends. Maybe he has good reason to not trust his friends, so find out what it is. Also watch how he speaks about other people. If he's constantly saying that everyone else was in the wrong, I'd be wary.

It's no sin to fall out, or move on from your friends. But constantly bad-mouthing them while making yourself out to be a saint is a bad sign.