should i let it go or should i say something?

LegacyUser

i broke up with my girl friend(we can call her Jane) of 6 years, about a year ago and after a couple of months i left the country.


She asked me not to be in touch with her as it was too painful for her and i respected her wishes and i only sent her a mail or called her maybe ever 3 or 4 months, just to see how she is.

She means alot to me and i do love her still, alot ,and i have told her that, and that i would do anything to have her as a friend and that i care for her deeply.
She says she can’t be friends with me cuz it’s not healthy, which is fair enough.

I sent her an email 3 months ago (after she sent me a mail asking me how i was) and i said ,look we are either friends or we are not ,and i don’t like this pretend crap.
I said we are either friends and we can talk or nothing and if you say we cant be friends then you will not ever hear from me again.
She didn’t reply so i kinda got my answer and decided to never contact her again.

I moved back to Dublin a while back and did not get in touch. She knows im back and she has not been in touch either.
I went out for drinks recently with some1 we both know.(we call him John)
We got talking and i asked if he had any news about Jane,and he asked me what actually happened between me and Jane ,and i told him.
I also said that i don’t really get why she doesn’t want to see me, after all we did go out for 6 years and she seems to have moved on (she has a new boyfriend).

Jane recently visited a member of my family (they are still good friends) and word got back to me that Jane told them that she knows now just how selfish i was and that i only wanted her for myself etc.
She has also said that i have talked crap to John about her.
Now this has really made me upset.i was gonna let it go but this is really bothering me.

To this day i have not said a bad word to anyone about Jane.
Not cuz im such a good person that i would not talk behind her back, not at all...it’s simply cuz i don’t have a bad word to say about her. We didn’t work out as a couple but i know she is a good person and i love her for the person she is.
So here is my question.

Should i sent her an email to let her know that i heard all the things she is saying about me(i believe she wanted me to hear cuz she knew it would get back to me) and that’s fair enough if she thinks that...but i just want her to know that i didn’t say one bad thing about her to John(or anyone else) or should i just let it go.
Sorry for the long post but i felt i had to give a bit of background.

Wibbs

My take would be this, she doesnt want you as a friend for whatever her reasons may be. Regardless they are her reasons and you should respect that. If you do care for her or cared for her in the past then her happiness should trump yours, especially after a breakup, which by the sounds of it you instigated.

My rule would be if you split up with someone then you lose all "rights" to ask for a new relationship on your terms. Which is essentially what those who say "we should remain friends" are doing for the most part. It's all about them, not the hurt party and it is a tad self centered IMHO. She presumably wanted to continue a romantic relationship, you did not. For most if not all that's a downgrade. On the current situation I'd let it go if I were you. Like you say, just let it and her go.

basecamp1

i agree, whether you like to think so or not, you really hurt this girl, thats just an outcome unfortunately of break ups. however, you need to respect that she doenst want a friendship, she's moved on and is happy. even if you defend urself, its unlikely she'll believe you or respond in a way you want. she may need to use any sort of bad thing she can to justify her anger towards you for breaking up with her and to help her get over you. you also need to move on and give up the need to defend urself to her. you know you didnt say anything bad about her. let that be enough for you

spinandscribble

Wibbs wrote: »

My rule would be if you split up with someone then you lose all "rights" to ask for a new relationship on your terms. Which is essentially what those who say "we should remain friends" are doing for the most part.

Wibbs is dead on with this. the ball is left completely in the other persons court if you dump them. You can't dump someone then decide how its gonna be after. its like after a punch giving a slap for good measure, thats how it'll feel to a hurt party. If someone doesn't want to be your friend thats it, end of.

We got talking and i asked if he had any news about Jane,and he asked me what actually happened between me and Jane ,and i told him.
I also said that i don’t really get why she doesn’t want to see me, after all we did go out for 6 years and she seems to have moved on (she has a new boyfriend).

Thats her decision and regardless of how shes moved on she still has that choice and in no way reflects on how "over" she is of you or not.

At the end of the day you've talked to a mutual friend about your private break up and its been over a year, she transcripted your discussion with the friend to indicate you disapprove of her letting you go in all sense of the word (friendship, 6 years down the tube) and you're more concerned about your feelings then her's. you also bring up shes a new bf and still wont be your friend and she have construed this to mean you think shes not over you because you make that link.

This isn't her being angry and irrational, this is her feeling as though that part of her life is done and dusted and you're dragging up the "friends" issue again, disapproving of how she doesn't want you in her life and questioning her being over you. It might have been your friend bringing it up but thats not how its appeared to her I bet.

Break ups are messy and never misjudge how the smallest comment can blow up in your face after a game of chinese whispers. imagine how "john" told "jane". "Yeah your ex cant get over you not being his friend now you've a bf, its like you're still not over him he reckons..." Whatever way you swing it, john brought it back to her.

If I was you I'd stop talking to mutual friends about the old relationship, its been over a year, its just picking at old wounds and its bound to get back through the channel.