Interested in 2 girls

LegacyUser

Ok so here is my dilemma...
I started seeing this girl a month ago who I like but I would not say that I am super excited about her if that makes sense...I enjoy her company however knowing I'll see her never really excites me.
Now I have had to work far away for a few months and while away I met someone that I like a lot and am really excited about however both of us will only be in this place for a couple of months so we know without saying it that it will only last for a few months.
Neither girl knows about each other.

My problem is that I don't feel like I am cheating on the first girl as we are only seeing each other and not bf and gf however I still feel rotten as she should be getting my sole attention... Can anyone tell me what they think I should do? I don't want to hurt either of them as they do not deserve it. Thanks!

Sardonicat

I'm not sure what you mean by a difference between "seeing eachother" and being BF & GF.

If you only like the first girl as a friend, then, let her know this and you're then free to see what happens with this other girl.

However you paint it, cheating is just not nice.

Canluum

Sardonicat wrote: »

I'm not sure what you mean by a difference between "seeing eachother" and being BF & GF.

There's a world of difference. The latter implies a level of commitment, agreed upon boundaries (monogamous, poly-amorous, don't ask don't tell etc.) and (beyond the teenage years at least) an honest attempt at a possible future together.

Sardonicat wrote: »

If you only like the first girl as a friend

That's clearly not the case...

OP I agree that it's a toughie as there are certain assumptions about sex and relationships in modern western society, specifically when it comes to monogamy.

I know it's a cliché but really honest is the best policy. Obviously you would be tactful. Saying "hey I want to see this other person while I'm away, that cool?" isn't a good approach. If you are leaving you have an opportunity to discuss the boundaries of your current relationship during your exodus. Talk with her. Maybe suggest a cooling off / break / put on hold / amicable breakup while you're away and then suggest you can see how you both feel after your return. Make sure she's clear... it's unfair to let her think you guys have a good chance of marriage/kids + multiple anniversaries when in your mind the possibility is close to zero. She might actually be up for it.

Of course under any of these circumstances you cannot expect her to necessarily not see other people too, obviously.

Exclamation Marc

Canluum wrote: »

There's a world of difference. The latter implies a level of commitment, agreed upon boundaries (monogamous, poly-amorous, don't ask don't tell etc.) and (beyond the teenage years at least) an honest attempt at a possible future together..

This is massively assuming statement. I have met hundreds of people in my life with different opinions on what "seeing someone" is. Some consider it boyfriend/girlfriend without the title but with the commitment, some see it as what you say it is. But you can't flat out assume how someone defines it. There are people who would consider that seeing someone implies some sort of monogamy, and there are some who don't.

At the end of the day, the best thing OP can do is not hurt the first girl. You effectively want the second girl for a fling while she's around. You seem like a responsible guy as clearly you have good intentions of not wanting to hurt either girl. The first girl is either going to be ok with it, or going to be hurt by it, and its better off to just not risk hurting her in my opinion.

If she merely is good company and not exciting you, its best to nip it in the bud and remain friends rather than risk either hurting her or leading to a situation where she falls for you and you have to hurt her in the long run. As Canluum says, the best thing to do is talk to her about it and be honest.

Canluum

FireballPitcher wrote: »

This is massively assuming statement. I have met hundreds of people in my life with different opinions on what "seeing someone" is. Some consider it boyfriend/girlfriend without the title but with the commitment, some see it as what you say it is. But you can't flat out assume how someone defines it. There are people who would consider that seeing someone implies some sort of monogamy, and there are some who don't.

Lol so we agree! There were no assumptions. You'll notice I didn't even try to define what "seeing eachother" meant. It's an extremely ambiguous term that doesn't necessarily imply any concrete boundaries. Whereas being bf/gf is a reasonably well defined social construct.

LegacyUser

Hi it is the OP here. Thanks for the replies so far!

Sardonicat wrote: »

I'm not sure what you mean by a difference between "seeing eachother" and being BF & GF.

If you only like the first girl as a friend, then, let her know this and you're then free to see what happens with this other girl.

However you paint it, cheating is just not nice.

There is a big difference between seeing someone and being bf and gf. Time being a big factor. We have been on 1/2 dates and only known each other for about a month so we are defo not bf and gf...far too early for that!

As I do not have a gf I am not cheating however at the same time I don't want to hurt anyone because finding out the guy you like does not want to see you anymore is not a nice thing.

Canluum wrote: »

There's a world of difference. The latter implies a level of commitment, agreed upon boundaries (monogamous, poly-amorous, don't ask don't tell etc.) and (beyond the teenage years at least) an honest attempt at a possible future together.

That's clearly not the case...

OP I agree that it's a toughie as there are certain assumptions about sex and relationships in modern western society, specifically when it comes to monogamy.

I know it's a cliché but really honest is the best policy. Obviously you would be tactful. Saying "hey I want to see this other person while I'm away, that cool?" isn't a good approach. If you are leaving you have an opportunity to discuss the boundaries of your current relationship during your exodus. Talk with her. Maybe suggest a cooling off / break / put on hold / amicable breakup while you're away and then suggest you can see how you both feel after your return. Make sure she's clear... it's unfair to let her think you guys have a good chance of marriage/kids + multiple anniversaries when in your mind the possibility is close to zero. She might actually be up for it.

Of course under any of these circumstances you cannot expect her to necessarily not see other people too, obviously.

That was the perfect post and you can clearly see where I am coming from. Thank you.

FireballPitcher wrote: »

At the end of the day, the best thing OP can do is not hurt the first girl. You effectively want the second girl for a fling while she's around. You seem like a responsible guy as clearly you have good intentions of not wanting to hurt either girl. The first girl is either going to be ok with it, or going to be hurt by it, and its better off to just not risk hurting her in my opinion.

I am not looking for a fling (I am not that kind of guy). The fact that she will be gone in two months is just the downside.

FireballPitcher wrote: »

If she merely is good company and not exciting you, its best to nip it in the bud and remain friends rather than risk either hurting her or leading to a situation where she falls for you and you have to hurt her in the long run. As Canluum says, the best thing to do is talk to her about it and be honest.

Saying she does not excite me but is good company is an accurate statement.

Canluum wrote: »

Lol so we agree! There were no assumptions. You'll notice I didn't even try to define what "seeing eachother" meant. It's an extremely ambiguous term that doesn't necessarily imply any concrete boundaries. Whereas being bf/gf is a reasonably well defined social construct.

Indeed.

Canluum

twogirls wrote: »

That was the perfect post and you can clearly see where I am coming from. Thank you.

I've been there... I sort of am there.

kjl

OP, you are doing nothing wrong what so ever. You have no commitment to either girl so you are free to do what you want.

Personally I would say see what happens with this new girl, anyone that makes you feel like that is worth investing some time in. Don't worry about the first girl, you don't need to tell her anything.

If the second girl leads into something more serious, then you can tell the first girl, only then.

Irish people need to be more like American in terms of dating and what not.

In America you can date multiple people at once, and even if they did find out about each other, they usually don't care.