Responsibility to my mother?

LegacyUser

Hello everyone, your advice on this would be very much appreciated. I am 27, an only child, currently living and working elsewhere in Europe. My mother is back in Ireland and is single, living alone. We are quite close, but of course have had our issues in the past. I do worry about her quite a bit as she is not that close to her family and all her friends are married with their own families, so I feel she is quite alone. She is quite dependent on me and often tells me she wants me to move home, which I would do if I thought I could get a job there.

Anyway, a pretty amazing career opportunity has come up, which would mean me living in a developing country for 2 years. I've gotten through the 1st stage and if I get through the 2nd one next week - which I think I have a pretty good chance of - then will have to move within the next few months. However great this would be, I feel so guility - I haven't yet told my mother this is a possibility, and it would of course mean me being even further away from her. I don't want her to be alone and I know she will be very upset, even angry, and worried if I tell her this, but at the same time it could be an amazing opportunity for me.

Am I being completely selfish? If she gets sick or something happens to her I'd never forgive myself, and I just don't want her to be alone. ARe there any other only children of single parents out there who have the same feelings? Any words of advice would be great.

Mr. Loverman

Honestly I think your mother is the one being selfish if she tries to stop you from living the life you want to live.

Ask yourself what would you want your daughter to do. That's your answer I reckon...

metrovelvet

lilies wrote: »

Hello everyone, your advice on this would be very much appreciated. I am 27, an only child, currently living and working elsewhere in Europe. My mother is back in Ireland and is single, living alone. We are quite close, but of course have had our issues in the past. I do worry about her quite a bit as she is not that close to her family and all her friends are married with their own families, so I feel she is quite alone. She is quite dependent on me and often tells me she wants me to move home, which I would do if I thought I could get a job there.

Anyway, a pretty amazing career opportunity has come up, which would mean me living in a developing country for 2 years. I've gotten through the 1st stage and if I get through the 2nd one next week - which I think I have a pretty good chance of - then will have to move within the next few months. However great this would be, I feel so guility - I haven't yet told my mother this is a possibility, and it would of course mean me being even further away from her. I don't want her to be alone and I know she will be very upset, even angry, and worried if I tell her this, but at the same time it could be an amazing opportunity for me.

Am I being completely selfish? If she gets sick or something happens to her I'd never forgive myself, and I just don't want her to be alone. ARe there any other only children of single parents out there who have the same feelings? Any words of advice would be great.

I am the single parent of a lonely child.

As much as I sympathize for the solitude of your mother I think you should live your own life and follow your dreams.

I do feel for you. I know it cant be easy. THe single parent/only child relationship is intense.

She is going to be hurt and sad but she will be ok. She will want you to grab life by the balls. You only have one. Go for it.

Maybe try to figure out a way she can visit and stay in touch.

tenchi-fan

it's clear what happened here. Your mother built her entire life around you. You were her family, her friends and her social life. And now you've grown up.

You can't miss this opportunity. You need to live your own life, otherwise you'll be looking back with resentment at missed opportunities.

I think you should use the opportunity to get your mother to start living her own life. Try to get her interested in hobbies, evening courses, social groups or day trips, even dating.

starlit

tenchi-fan wrote: »

it's clear what happened here. Your mother built her entire life around you. You were her family, her friends and her social life. And now you've grown up.

You can't miss this opportunity. You need to live your own life, otherwise you'll be looking back with resentment at missed opportunities.

I think you should use the opportunity to get your mother to start living her own life. Try to get her interested in hobbies, evening courses, social groups or day trips, even dating.

I agree on this for the most part except for the dating part depending how old OP's mam is. Its best you do live your own life OP, I have done it myself moved out of home, studied and worked away from home, my mam being on her own yet I do have siblings of my own they are all married with kids and I am the youngest that doesn't have any commitments like that other than trying to find a job whether I stay in Ireland or not. I would rather be nearer to home If I can when I do find a job.

Anyways do not pass up this opportunity of a great job. It might be an idea to get your mam to move away with your or get her to move close to you even if it was just an hours flight away if its to Britain or europe you are going to if its to the states or australia or further away might be an idea to tag your mam along. If you think that isn't the right thing to do best to cut the strings and move on and do your own thing and have your own life. Best thing for you and your mam if she is very dependent on you! Is she not close to any other family member? someone she would like to be in the company with? It would be an idea to get her interested in other things and for her to get a hobby and meet new people to make new friends!

I am very close to my mother too. Although I have brothers, and a father, etc. but me and my mother are closer that they can manage.

I mentioned to my mother a few weeks ago that me and my boyfriend (who is English) would probably be better off living in the UK and she panicked. She asked me if he was keen to move home? He's not. I was just considering, but she was afraid to lose me.

Your mum is afaid to lose you. She does want the best for you but I guess she is suffering the fear of losing you.

You have to do what is right for YOU! Your mum might find it hard, nd you will too being away from her (I find it hard being away from my mum but it's also so liberating! There is always the phone!).

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

First off mega congrats on the job possibility sounds like an amazing opportunity!

She is probably just stuck in her ways and is used to dealing with you in an emotionally guilt tripping way, she may just be moaning away but deep down she has to know that this is a great opportunity for you and you have to go for it.


You could also look at it like this, it is only for 2 years and down the road your mother may get sick and really need you, it is defo best to go sow your royal oats now so later if she does need you you can be there. You have to be selfish now unfortunately because the more successful you can make your life the more you can offer her when she is old etc.

But really there is never a justification to put someone else's needs ahead of your own, when people do that they end up drained and no use to themselves or others, the bigger picture of what you are doing is going to enhance your life immensely which will give you a better future which will give her a better future, dont feel guilty about that thats the smart choice for all OP.

Your mother wants you to feel sorry for her so you will look after her, but you would probably be surprised how well she is coping behind what you are being told, she may be lonely but she needs to learn how to create her own happiness and you not being her only source of happiness could really give her a push she needs to do something about it. I think it is a good idea to think of your mother, strong, capable, mature, and happy, rather than think of her as lonely and things getting worse.


Best of luck with everything, really hope you get that job! xoxo

fungun

She will want you to grab life by the balls. You only have one

:pac:

Agree with all posters. She is afraid to lose you having built so much of her life around you. It will be hard for her, no argument there. But it will also force her to go out and get her own life back a bit more. Go live your life....and better off To do it now whilst you are young cos its even more difficult as your parents get older/ill.

LegacyUser

Hey, thanks alot for all the replies, I really appreciate it. Particularly good to hear from a single mother. What you all say makes alot of sense. However, a few years ago I decided I was going travelling around Asia with my then-boyfriend, but when I told my mother this the reaction was just unbelievable - tears, anger, accusations that I just wanted to get away from her, a promise that if I did this then that was it between us. Really ridiculous, melodramatic, incredibly hurtful stuff. It actually turned out fine - she never apologised but did seem to realise that this is something that people do and it is pretty standard these days. Since then she has calmed down alot and I don't think she would have the same reaction this time, but I dread a similar scene and can't help thinking that, if it really does hurt her that much, should I even be considering it? She's also pretty much the only family I have, after all.

As for hobbies, she's pretty good - she learns a language and is in a few clubs and has a good job, so she is very busy, all the time. She has even mentioned a man on the scene lately, which would be great. So maybe I am not giving her credit and she'll actually be fine with this, but I just can't shake the feeling I am acting entirely selfishly.

Thanks again for all your help.

metrovelvet

Yes YOU SHOULD BE CONSIDERING IT!!!!!

Ok. I have a difficult mother who has OCD with her kids and was way to attached to us and she was not a single mother [divorced] and our dad was very involved.

However, she pulls this crap too where you are scared to tell her things because she will react so badly. Its like a blackmail.

Dont give into it! This is your life. She gave you life. Look at the word GIVE. That means it is YOURS. As long as you are not going to be in danger and this is good for you, she should encourage you. Yes it will be painful for her, very, but letting go always is.

This is your time to grow and become who you are meant to be.

Take courage and talk to her. Yes she will make you pay with her reaction, but dont take it on board. OK?

If I were in your moms shoes, yes I would be really sad and probably worried but I would hate to think my child didnt avail of an opportunity because he was worried about me. I think that would break my heart.