Pictures of his ex..

LegacyUser

Going out with my boyfriend 18 months, known each other for 8 years before that, both late 20s, very serious relationship with plans for marriage, future, etc. We're currently finishing up building a house together adjacent to his parents house, his parents gave him the site. Needless to say, we spend a lot of time with his family, and I get on fantastically with them so overall things are great.

But there's one thing that bothers me a little and I'm curious as to what other people would think about being in this situation.

A year before my boyfriend and I got together, he had a 3 year relationship with a local girl from a very similar background to him (wealthy farmers from a very conservative Catholic upbringing).
This relationship wasn't very serious, more casual and he spent a lot of the time they were together travelling abroad (without her) with his friends and such. They ended on good terms, realising it was going nowhere, but she continued to have feelings for him and caused him a lot of grief in the months after (turned up at his family wedding uninvited, demanded to sit beside him and wanted him to restart their relationship, etc).

After many such instances, they fell out badly and he no longer has any contact with her, she still texts him from time to time but he always ignores them. This isn't the issue, I trust him completely and understand he has no feelings for her now. He'll always tell me when something like this happens and tell me it bothers him that she won't just move on and leave his life.

But the problem is, his mother absolutely loved her, begged her son to marry her, not to break up with her, tried to get them back together by inviting the ex over to dinner on Valentine's Day when she knew her son would be there, etc.
She told my bf he had broken HER heart when he ended the relationship, she seemed to be more into the ex than he was, my bf has stated this several times. She still meets up with the ex and her mother regularly for coffee, dinner, etc.

It took the best part of a year, but eventually his mother accepted me as the new girlfriend on the scene after a year of coldness/disinterest and she seems to have since come to like me quite a bit.

The early days were very tough for me as she seemed to constantly compare me to the ex - "Oh well X was a great cook..." where I'm not.. I'm not any of the things she would have picked for her son, I can clearly see that, but it's not up to her to pick.

I'm not from a farming background. I'm not at all religious yet have regularly chosen to go to Mass with his mother just to make effort, for her to see that I really do want to be accepted as part of their family (my parents died in an accident when I was a child so I have no family).
I want to get along with these people as they will one day be the only grandparents my children will have. And we are definitely moving in the right direction.

But one problem continues - my boyfriend's mother still has pictures of my boyfriend and his ex up in the house. There is one huge one above the TV, one above the dining table, etc.

Honestly, it really bothers me. I know people here will say "Oh you must be insecure, get over it" and such, but I'm really not. It's not to do with trust issues with my boyfriend, he and I are extremely close and discuss everything straight up - and I know I can discuss this with him but I know how he is, he gets very hot-headed about stuff like this and if he thinks these pictures are bothering me, he'll immediately storm off to his mother and demand she take them down, that it's wrong of her to have them up. That's all fine in theory, but I know it'll cause problems between his mother and I. She never sees her sons doing wrong, she will happily find a reason to be annoyed at me. I don't think my bf is even aware that these pictures are there, he's completely blind to stuff like that. Two weeks ago, my boyfriend's dad removed one of these pictures while removing cobwebs, he seemed to go out of his way to get rid of it while I was present (he and I get along very well) but the following week when my bf and I again visited, the picture was back in exactly the same place as always..

It isn't a jealousy thing on my part, it just disappoints me when I enter their home and sit and watch a TV directly below a picture of him and the ex at their debs together, something that is years old and just seems unnecessary. There are many pictures of him on his own at the debs if she wants a picture of him dressed up, but she has chosen not to keep these on view.. It just seems a tad unnecessary when he and I have attended several weddings together but his mother has chosen not to put up a single picture of us together even though she has many, many pictures.

Do I have reason to find this upsetting or am I just overreacting? Should I just turn a blind eye?

I probably will in time discuss this with my bf but I don't want to cause any problems, overall we all get along wonderfully and I guess up to now I've hoped that with time, his mother will decide of her own accord to replace these pictures.

It's just that now we are talking of marriage and his mother is very interested in our plans and seemingly supportive, yet still hasn't chosen to remove the old photos and replace them with ones of his current relationship..

Your thoughts..?

Ickle Magoo

What does he think about it? Do you think he seriously hasn't noticed a picture of an ex up in his parents home? The bottom line is your relationship is with him first and foremost, she's HIS mother. If there are any issues about his pictures, comments about his ex or whatever then it's got to be his issue with his mother. I don't think you have any right over what pictures are up in someone else's house.

It sounds really weird that his mother has this obsession with his ex but I can't see a single way of you approaching things either with him or the mother that isn't going to reflect badly or come back and bite you at some stage - when it comes to families I've found the best policy is to stay well out of it and let your partner and your relationship with your partner do the talking for you.

All the best

Zen65

katiekoolio wrote: »

It's just that now we are talking of marriage and his mother is very interested in our plans and seemingly supportive, yet still hasn't chosen to remove the old photos and replace them with ones of his current relationship..

Your thoughts..?

After the wedding, she will put up pictures of your wedding day. It may even occur to her then to take down the other pics.

She probably had more in common with the ex, and regrets not having a "new daughter" with whom she had so much in common. There's no reason this should trouble you now, as you've clearly established a good relationship with her in your own right (and well done for that, many girls might not have bothered!!).

If she does not take them down, perhaps you could suggest to your bf that it would be nice to have new pics of the two of you, which his mom might like to have in the house? He might get the hint.



Be at peace,

Z

rsta

Give her a gift of a framed photo of you and her son in a really nice frame. One in a similar size to replace the one on top of the telly.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies, you all make great points. I know you're all right, I need to just let it be and hopefully in time it'll come right. The supplying a photo to her sounds good in theory but I am pretty sure she will just put it aside and continue keeping the old photo dust free. I think my bf is just blind to it, it's been on his parents' wall for years, he's the kind of guy who wouldnt notice if the roof fell in!

Honestly..
Ignore the photo hanging up on the wall for now.

Have it replaced with your wedding photo when you two get married though.

Farming mammies can be quare peculiar.Just accept that,be nice and be happy.

am i bovvered

I think your fully correct in feeling a bit put out by this, it is inconsiderate, however you have handled it really well and it can be as big or as small an issue as you want to make it.
You have chosen so far not to make it too big an issue and I believe that is the right decision.
She sounds like a real stereotypical Irish mammy... but her son seems sound so good luck