Mother Wary of New Girlfriend Due To Where She Lives

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I've been seeing a girl since the end of July, everything going well, nice girl, good times. All my friends have taken a shine to her.

Only problem is when my mother found out about her and more specifically where she lives, she seems at best wary, at worst she doesn't want me seeing her at all.

She said that there are plenty of other girls around the country, why don't I go out with one of them.

Now, the girlfriend does indeed live in a pretty notorious, gangland, crime riddled area that has featured prominently in crime reports for years. Maybe I'm naive but she doesn't fit the stereotype and none of the lads think she does either.

I'm not a kid either, I'm 27. I just want to try and keep everyone on side so to speak.

Any suggestions on how I can handle this?

Thanks.

LegacyUser

Tell your mother, in the nicest way possible, to mind her own business! With all due respect, for the love of God, you're a grown man - grow a pair, will ya! It's your life and you are old enough to date whoever you want, whenever you want!

Kidchameleon

Area has little or nothing to do with what a person is like. If you listen at all to your mam about this you'll end up miserable.

Ickle Magoo

You are 27, I think you need to ensure a dangerous precedence isn't set. Thank your mother for her concern and let her know you are well aware of the issues she is concerned about but that at 27 you are well able to make your own decisions on whether someone is a good catch or no and you hope if you can look past where someone was raised through no fault of their own, that she can do likewise and ask that she not bring it up again.

All the best

S23

I grew up in an area that would probably fall under the same category that you are describing. It doesn't make me a scumbag or dangerous or whatever else.

Where you are from doesn't dictate who you are. Sure, some people will use the excuse of 'ah well what chance did I have, I was born and raised in _____' but thats all it is, an excuse. They make their choice to become the people they are.

If you're happy that your OH is a good person thats all that matters. Not what your mammy thinks, not what the papers say and not what preconceptions of people from where she lives are.

pwd

My girlfriend says you should think for yourself

Exclamation Marc

Some of the nastiest most disgusting people I know come from the nicest neighbourhoods.

I went out with a girl when I was younger from Kilbarrack. She was one of, if not the nicest girl I'd ever met in my life. Lovely family, slightly scary area at night, but nothing too bad in comparison with some areas.

My mum is a snob and it drives me crazy. The comments I got at the start of the relationship about her locale were bafflingly stupid and so written in snobbery and northside/southside bullshít that it was embarassing. The same happened with a girl before that who was from Tallaght.

You're mum sounds slightly like mine. You have to tell her to grow up and not to judge somebody by their location. I have been with more hurtful, spiteful and life-damaging people out of Foxrock (my area) than I have out of places some would consider "rough" or "not as well off".

Stand up to your mum, tell her that her objections are noted, but that you don't appreciate in anyway her comments about your other half as her locale has feck all to do with who she is, and that her comments are simply counterproductive as they are beginning to make you resent sharing any other half information with your mother.

Beruthiel

KerLim2010 wrote: »

Now, the girlfriend does indeed live in a pretty notorious, gangland, crime riddled area that has featured prominently in crime reports for years. Maybe I'm naive but she doesn't fit the stereotype and none of the lads think she does either.

Your Mother's a snob who has tarred everyone with the one brush.
Some of the greatest wo/men have come from hard, tough backgrounds. In fact, it shaped them to become the wonderful, fantastic people they grew to be.
Nelson Mandella for example, a man I greatly admire and respect, spent his early childhood living in a hut with his tribe in the countryside of Africa. Wonder how your mother would explain that one.

My daughters b/f comes from one of those areas you mention. He's a lovely, honorable young man. Certainly, his up bringing had everything to do with his parents and nothing to do with where they happened to live.

I have to question, why a grown man of 27 would entertain his mothers narrow mindedness.
Perhaps her views have coloured your judgement.
You should explore that one.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the good replies lads.

I completely agree with what ye are saying. And I do agree of course that I should standing up for myself.

I guess what I'm trying to do is to keep everyone onside, and to try and do this by swinging my mother's opinion around. If I go in with an all guns blazing approach, I'd gurantee I'll get the whole "she's turning you against me" thing, so I need to be a bit smart in the approach I take. I wouldn't want any rash actions on my part to make the situation worse.

The main problem really is that she hasn't met the girl yet. I reckon when she does, her opinion will change, she is far, far sounder than a lot of girls I have met from the so-called "posher" areas of the city. Think I'm just going to have to bring her back home some weekend, just let thme get to know each other and that should sort out the problems.

In some ways I sort of understand where my mother's fear is coming from. Our homeplace is a pretty rural area and our closest contact with people from this area of that city happened about a year ago and it wasn't good at all. Pitched battles in the street, the Regional Support Unit being brought out from the city, paramilitaries wading in against them with death threats in order to increase their political support in the area. Complete mess. Not a reason to tar everyone with the same brush of course, but when even people from the same city are very prejudiced and consider her area to literally be a no-go zone (I know people that have the majority of their lives living here and are too afraid to enter this area), not to mind old-fashioned country folk, it's an uphill battle.

But it really doesn't bother me in the slightest where she's from, it's the person SHE is that counts. In fact, I actually admire her all the more for being so determined to succeed in life, go to college etc. When she did her LC she got the best results in her school, the principal was delighted as it showed just what people can achieve, she was held up as a role model for other young people from there. She receives educational funding from an organisation that is trying to encourage further education in the more crime riddled areas of Ireland. As part of it she attends meetings where she is considered to be one of the huge successes of the program. So kudos to her. :-)

28064212

OP, the important thing to do is make sure you make your mother realise that it's not acceptable. You can't let this slide, or your mother will always treat your girlfriend with contempt. Every time your mother makes any sort of negative comment relating to her background, tell her it's completely irrelevant and that's it's terrible behaviour to judge a person for something they have no control over. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Even (especially) if it's in front of other people. If she does it in front of your GF, make her apologise for it. Don't get angry or emotional, but you have to make her realise that it's completely unacceptable. It would help to 'prepare' for arguments, have your logical position ready, back it up with examples (e.g. Bill Cullen is from Summerhill etc)

I realise this sounds like a fairly confrontational approach, but I wouldn't recommend anything less. If you let it just be brushed under the carpet, your mother won't change, will always consider your girlfriend beneath her, and your girlfriend will come to resent you because of it

Exclamation Marc

KerLim2010 wrote: »

I guess what I'm trying to do is to keep everyone onside, and to try and do this by swinging my mother's opinion around.


The main problem really is that she hasn't met the girl yet.

Word of advice, its rare you'll ever get to keep everyone onside. If your mother realises that she's not "getting her way" in terms of her wanting you not to be with her, she'll come around. The main thing to do is just to not appease her and just set your stall out that the behaviour is ridiculous.

And if she hasn't met the girl yet, she really is just a gigantic snob (like my mum )

Hank_Jones

The area she is from shouldn't really come into it. Some of the nicest people I have ever met come from God awful places, just because their neighbour is a complete scumbag, it doesn't mean they aren't an upstanding member of society.

I would certainly tell your mother where to go. Do you really want to ruin something great because of your mother's opinion?

Beruthiel

KerLim2010 wrote: »

I guess what I'm trying to do is to keep everyone onside, and to try and do this by swinging my mother's opinion around.

If my mother was ever to think something similar, I'd come right out with 'prejudice much'
No need to pussyfoot around a blatant prejudice imo. Tell your mother straight out that you don't believe in tarring everyone with the same brush.

If I go in with an all guns blazing approach, I'd gurantee I'll get the whole "she's turning you against me" thing

And your reply to that is "No Ma, your prejudice is turning me against you"

In fact, I actually admire her all the more for being so determined to succeed in life, go to college etc. When she did her LC she got the best results in her school, the principal was delighted as it showed just what people can achieve, she was held up as a role model for other young people from there. She receives educational funding from an organisation that is trying to encourage further education in the more crime riddled areas of Ireland. As part of it she attends meetings where she is considered to be one of the huge successes of the program. So kudos to her. :-)

You are one damn lucky man.
She sounds fantastic. A strong, independent, intelligent woman. To be admired and respected.
Why you haven't just told your Mother that is beyond me.
Grow a pair OP. If you're g/f found out that you were even entertaining the way your mother viewed her, she would be hurt and feel betrayed by you.

LegacyUser

If you're 27, ?maybe living at/near home, you're mum is probably exceptionally close to you& quite possibly sees how serious you are about this girl (even if they haven't yet met). Maybe she's a bit insecure that she's "losing" you, it's probable that this girls' address is the only thing she can comment negatively on. If it wasn't that, it'd be something else? Stick to your gut instinct& be happy.

sbsquarepants

You're 27. Your mother shouldn't be screening your girlfriends. Time to grow up mate!

Johnny Favourite

Grow a pair

Zen65

sbsquarepants wrote: »

You're 27. Your mother shouldn't be screening your girlfriends. Time to grow up mate!

I believe OP's mother is not trying to screen his girlfriends. She's trying to screen her in-laws.

I suspect it is the fear of not being able to have a close relationship with her (potential) daughter-in-law's parents which troubles OP's mum. As OP says, once she meets the gf she'll probably be happy with her, but she will continue to be wary of her parents, in case they turn out to have radically different values & views, which could impact on how the grandchildren are raised & relate.

Yes, it's hugely premature, but this is the sort of thing that parents worry about.

OP, reassure her that the gf and her family are lovely people, that's all you can do.

Be at peace,

Z

Distorted

OH for goodness sake OP! At 27 you should be paying no attention to your mother's prejudices and form your own (if you must!). Adults should make their own way in the world, which is probably what this girl is doing/will do. So don't judge her on where she came from, but where she is going. And learn how to take responsibility for your own snobberies and prejudices, and don't blame your mother. Stand on your own two feet. Sheesh!

RonFan

OP never stated his mother wouldn't let him see her, he said she doesn't want him seeing her. There's a big difference.

A mother has the right to worry about who her son chooses to be with. As you get on in age, her hopes of you settling down and having kids will raise. The fact of the matter is, the scum rate of said areas are far higher than of the more well-off areas, I assume you come from.

LegacyUser

Zen65 wrote: »

I believe OP's mother is not trying to screen his girlfriends. She's trying to screen her in-laws.

I suspect it is the fear of not being able to have a close relationship with her (potential) daughter-in-law's parents which troubles OP's mum. As OP says, once she meets the gf she'll probably be happy with her, but she will continue to be wary of her parents, in case they turn out to have radically different values & views, which could impact on how the grandchildren are raised & relate.

Yes, it's hugely premature, but this is the sort of thing that parents worry about.

OP, reassure her that the gf and her family are lovely people, that's all you can do.

Be at peace,

Z

+1

I was going to say the same thing that it is the in laws that the mother is more worried about, and the image it will bring on your family, crazy that your mother has not even met your GF yet and is so insecure already.

Your mother may enjoy an element of Mammy control over you, and you may be continuing a childish role with her because you are being more loyal to your mother than your GF here, and you may get easily manipulated by your Mum and want to please her, i think its time your mother let go of you and allowed you to be your own man, you have attracted a beautiful girl by the sounds of it.

I grew up in a council estate on the Northside of Dublin from 1980. Things have changed a lot for people since then and these estates are not half as bad as people think, the estate where i lived was near the sea, and the estates have matured into nice areas. I tell you a council house is as solid as a rock in how they were built.

I bet the amount of money people are making in both areas is probably quite the same now, as in people in their 20's and 30's and what they are earning, we were very poor in the 80's and unemployment was very high in working class areas, but now a days i dont see much of a difference in the lifestyles of where im from and where my mates are from on the Southside. Obviously this is the case for the OP and his GF because they have been able to meet.


I also went on to go to college and i was funded as a mature student and i was so grateful for the opportunity to be educated, it was set up so people from working class back rounds could have a chance to get out into the work place after being educated. When you mix the heart of the working class spirit with an education you mix book-smart and street-smart, it is a great combination for success and i can say when my confidence came and i threw off those insecure stigmas i made it.


Your mother may have some of those stigmas about your GF but where are any of us from at the end of the day? where was your mother from, old dublin was nearly all working class at one stage, all the villages were so she should not judge her until she has met her and your mother should have faith in you that you know what you are doing at 27 years of age. I think it could have more to do with that then her not accepting your GF she needs to let you go!

All the best OP. xoxo

LegacyUser

RonFan wrote: »

OP never stated his mother wouldn't let him see her, he said she doesn't want him seeing her. There's a big difference.

A mother has the right to worry about who her son chooses to be with. As you get on in age, her hopes of you settling down and having kids will raise. The fact of the matter is, the scum rate of said areas are far higher than of the more well-off areas, I assume you come from.

The mother doesnt have the right to worry about anyone, there is an old fashioned sense that parents have privileges because they are older human beings as if they own their children, and it is ok for them to interfere in how they live their lives, this is ridiculous we are all responsible for ourselves, we should be all treated equally, at 27 the OP has a right to choose his own friends etc and his mother needs to step back and trust him, she is bringing in all her own personal insecurities about class and working class areas, this is her issue she needs to sort out and not the OP's.

"the scum rate of said areas are far higher than of the more well-off areas, I assume you come from"

Thats an awful statement to make, and it has nothing to do with anything, the OP's mother is being prejudice and judgmental and needs to let her son choose his own girlfriends, she needs to let go of the control.

darad

In defence of the mother, she loves her son and is only concerned for him in the nicest possible way. Its how the op handles the situation from here that will really make the difference. Have a chat with her and tell her that you understand where shes coming from but its your life and that she has brought you up to be the lovely person you sound, so she should be more trusting of your judgement.

MissHoneyBun

Tell your mother you don't like your father and demand she stop seeing him. See how she likes people commenting on her relationships.

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

WhodahWoodah

KerLim2010 wrote: »

Hi guys,

I've been seeing a girl since the end of July, everything going well, nice girl, good times. All my friends have taken a shine to her.

Only problem is when my mother found out about her and more specifically where she lives, she seems at best wary, at worst she doesn't want me seeing her at all.

She said that there are plenty of other girls around the country, why don't I go out with one of them.

Now, the girlfriend does indeed live in a pretty notorious, gangland, crime riddled area that has featured prominently in crime reports for years. Maybe I'm naive but she doesn't fit the stereotype and none of the lads think she does either.

I'm not a kid either, I'm 27. I just want to try and keep everyone on side so to speak.

Any suggestions on how I can handle this?

Thanks.

You said your mother found out about her, not that she met her. This sounds to me like a simple case of preconception on your mum's part based on what she knows of the area from the news etc. If your mum hasn't met your GF maybe you should introduce them. If your GF is as nice as you say she is, then maybe just meeting her will sort your mum out. I know you don't want to be pushed around by your mum but it's also nice when everybody just gets along. Maybe you can have a quiet life after all!!

By the way, if you haven't introduced them yet and decide you're going to, make sure you sit your mum down for a firm talking to beforehand and warn her to play nice and not to make any snickety comments about where your GF is from or to even bring it up as nothing good can come of that!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the new comments.

I was back home for some of the weekend and I brought up the subject of the GF.

After talking about things I think I managed to clear up any mis-understandings. My mother seemed to be worried that I was still getting over the previous relationship (a 4 year relationship that broke up six months ago) and that I was just on a crazy rebound.

I explained that I was completely over the previous relationship and that I had actually met plenty of women in the last few months. That this girl was very nice but of course I was just taking things one step at a time. I also explained that according to her (my mother) I had "never put a foot wrong" before in my life so surely she could trust me now.

That seemed to satisfy her and once I explained what a genuine hard working girl the GF is, that she wants to achieve, and that she shares the same contempt as my mother for the criminal scum that are destroying the city I think I got her on side.

I agree with several posters that I have to arrange for them to meet sometime and everything should be fine, the next weekend that everyone is free we must give a trip back to my home.

So all seems well. I wanted to take a very tactful approach with this, I have heard too many stories about rifts and divisions in families over relationships.

Sometimes I can be too diplomatic for my own good!

Thanks for the advice.

sbsquarepants

Zen65 wrote: »

Yes, it's hugely premature, but this is the sort of thing that parents worry about.

Z

It's not the sort of thing my parents ever worried about! In fact to be quite honest, it's the sort of thing that snobs worry about.
Now there's a trait i'd want to be changing in my kids

LegacyUser

KerLim2010 wrote: »

I guess what I'm trying to do is to keep everyone onside

Never works. Believe me. Trying to keep everyone happy and playing the diplomat usually ends up with everyone being unhappy.

" Too diplomatic for your own good" - that's how I used to be...... never worked out well for me. GF was unhappy. Mother was unhappy. I was caught in the middle. Never again