Sick of cliques

LegacyUser

This isn't a massive problem but it's really grating on me lately. Basically, all my life I've felt a bit of an outcast. It's improved as I've got older, I've been told I have good social skills and am likeable and friendly, but I never seem to be part of the 'in-crowd' wherever one exists. I personally hate cliques anyway but I'm puzzled as to why I'm never, ever included in the group.

So I've recently just started an internship, the one I've always dreamed of, in another European country. I was very disappointed to turn up on the first day and encounter two girls from my class at university. Very cliquey girls who aren't particularly nice, from Italy and Greece respectively. I never really liked them in the first place because of their cliqueyness but decided to keep an open mind. Well, guess what? On the very first day, I walk into the canteen alone, to see all 10 interns, including them sitting around a table. I felt like I wanted to die. I felt so worthless. Why on earth would you invite everyone but one person? It's only got worse since then. I see them walking around together all the time, but they never ask me. Some of my colleagues have even commented on it. I saw them at the bus stop and they just sort of smirked and turned away from me. I am so disappointed, as I was hoping to make loads of new friends on this thing, as I have on similar programs in the past. But I haven't gone on a single night out or anything. Today we had a training seminar, I was the first to leave the room for coffee break, so I waited outside. They only came out and walked straight past me!

I'm really down about this. Usually with these things, you start out on an equal footing and everyone wants to make friends, but I feel like I've had no chance since day one. The two girls from home blatantly don't like me, and I don't even understand why. All the other people at work are lovely and I seem to have made a good impression. I just feel like I'm fighting a losing battle with the other interns. The only approach I can think of is the slightly aloof 'I don't need friends' thing. I'm certainly not going to beg. I also don't want to spend 6 months eating lunch alone. What do I do?

thefeatheredcat

All interns/training groups/new people will always clutter into a herd in the beginning for security.... some will stay that way, others will branch out after time as they get to know other people.

If these two girls are the unpleasant sort, they'll be transparent in time after the others have sussed them.

But it should not stop you from joining in and meeting up with the other interns. They might have actually just plonked themselves down at the table where the other interns were and that's how it happened.

You could just jump in there and sit with them all together regardless of these two girls, introduce yourself to the rest, fake the confidence if you have to. Don't isolate yourself from contact with the other interns too much, put whatever with these two girls aside and make the most of it with the rest.

Get to know the other interns, make an effort, but also make an effort with the regular employees too. They might be commenting it because it could be taken up as a flaw/shyness/nerves/independence especially if it's a team player type place.

Bear in mind you're always going to come across a situation like this where people who don't like you for whatever reason (often jealousy I've found) you're just going to have to get along with for the job hours and not let them tear down your confidence and self-esteem.

ash2008

aww thats horrible OP, i feel for you...thats something that would typically happen to me too.
One thing though that struck me - you know when you said you went into the canteen and they were sitting together, it may be that they arrived separately, or even in twos and decided to sit together as they were all interns. Ive seen that on first days of work when theres a new team starting - no one invites the others, they just end up sitting together as they have something in common (i.e. - all new) and know no-one else. So maybe they thought that when you didnt join them, that you preferred to be alone.

Now, i know it might be hard to join the group of them seens as its been like this for a while, but is there any chance that you could start chatting to one of them when they are alone. Show them that you are a friendly person, and they may start to warm up to you. Right now, perhaps they think you dont want to be with them. And seeing as they have each other, they prob dont feel the need to go out of their way to make another friend. You know how it is - when you are in a group, you get comfortable and you dont have anything pushing you to talk to people you dont know.

28064212

Unregistered wrote: »

Well, guess what? On the very first day, I walk into the canteen alone, to see all 10 interns, including them sitting around a table. I felt like I wanted to die. I felt so worthless. Why on earth would you invite everyone but one person?

This really jumped out at me. Why did you assume it was an organised thing? Why didn't you just go over and ask if you could join them?

Beruthiel

28064212 wrote: »

This really jumped out at me. Why did you assume it was an organised thing? Why didn't you just go over and ask if you could join them?

I thought the exact same thing.

OP, would you be a touch on the sensitive side and over think things?
If I had walked into that situation, I would have just went straight over and joined in.

LegacyUser

28064212 wrote: »

This really jumped out at me. Why did you assume it was an organised thing? Why didn't you just go over and ask if you could join them?

Well, two of them work on my floor and most definitely left together, because I saw them walking out of the building from my window. They had to walk past my office to get out, and they couldn't have stuck their heads in and asked if I wanted to join? On the first day? I can't imagine starting at a place with two other people and going to lunch with only one of them without asking the other. Just seems mean to me. It's quite possible that they just didn't think of me, but that shows quite a degree of selfishness, IMO. Maybe you're right, maybe I am overreacting. I just wouldn't have done that and don't understand why they did.

I think ash2008 could be right, that they now think I prefer to be alone, as I've started eating alone or with some of the older people in the office. So ironically, now I probably look like the stuck up one. I have made an effort to talk to them, and it seems to go OK, but then next time I see them, they're unfriendly again. One girl in particular (the Italian) is incredibly cold, and everyone else seems to like her, so I don't know what the story is. She doesn't talk to me unless she absolutely has to and she appears to have no sense of humour at all. Any funny comment or observation from me is met with a blank stare. I would just put her down as a goody two shoes without much personality, but as I said, she seems to be at the centre of the group. I just don't get it - I make myself available, I wait around after meetings to see if anyone wants a coffee and they just go off together and ignore me. Perhaps I am oversensitive but I just get this huge 'us and you' vibe. As if I'm beneath them all.

As for new people sitting together naturally, I don't think that's really the case here. There was already a 'dynamic' because of the two girls I knew from college being best buddies, and that seems to have carried on over here and expanded to the whole group. They're always all texting each other. They discussed going out in town tomorrow night while I was there without asking me along, and I didn't feel like I could really just say 'oh, I'd like to go.' I felt that they'd see me as a tagalong. Had a terrible experience with that a few years ago (invited myself along somewhere, after it was mentioned in front of me, and ended up feeling like a pathetic third wheel all day, I had the vibe they didn't want me to go but thought I was being paranoid, until I turned up at the bus station and saw the look of disappointment on their faces, as if I was a piece of sh*t) and I won't repeat it again.

limeric

why dont you just start your own clique? a trailblazer like.

28064212

Unregistered wrote: »

Well, two of them work on my floor and most definitely left together, because I saw them walking out of the building from my window. They had to walk past my office to get out, and they couldn't have stuck their heads in and asked if I wanted to join? On the first day? I can't imagine starting at a place with two other people and going to lunch with only one of them without asking the other. Just seems mean to me. It's quite possible that they just didn't think of me, but that shows quite a degree of selfishness, IMO. Maybe you're right, maybe I am overreacting. I just wouldn't have done that and don't understand why they did.

There's a hundred reasons that could have happened. Did they know each other before? Maybe they just got talking during the morning and it was natural for them to walk to lunch together? IMO, you certainly over-reacted in that situation.

Unregistered wrote: »

As for new people sitting together naturally, I don't think that's really the case here. There was already a 'dynamic' because of the two girls I knew from college being best buddies, and that seems to have carried on over here and expanded to the whole group. They're always all texting each other. They discussed going out in town tomorrow night while I was there without asking me along, and I didn't feel like I could really just say 'oh, I'd like to go.' I felt that they'd see me as a tagalong. Had a terrible experience with that a few years ago (invited myself along somewhere, after it was mentioned in front of me, and ended up feeling like a pathetic third wheel all day, I had the vibe they didn't want me to go but thought I was being paranoid, until I turned up at the bus station and saw the look of disappointment on their faces, as if I was a piece of sh*t) and I won't repeat it again.

Tbh OP, you seem to be taking scenarios and shaping them so they fit in with your insecurities and preconceived opinions. If you feel like a tagalong, you'll act like a tagalong, and subsequently be treated like one.

LegacyUser

28064212 wrote: »

There's a hundred reasons that could have happened. Did they know each other before? Maybe they just got talking during the morning and it was natural for them to walk to lunch together? IMO, you certainly over-reacted in that situation.

As I said, there were three of us and we were ALL new. In that situation, I certainly wouldn't skip off to lunch with my new best mate, not asking the third person. I don't expect to be best mates or anything. I just thought you would at least ask out of politeness.

Tbh OP, you seem to be taking scenarios and shaping them so they fit in with your insecurities and preconceived opinions. If you feel like a tagalong, you'll act like a tagalong, and subsequently be treated like one.

I don't feel like a tagalong unless I'm made to feel that way, tbh. I'm a pretty friendly, talkative, confident person who loves meeting new people. In the situation I described, I had been friendly with a girl on Erasmus and that day I met up with her and a new friend she'd just made. They talked about going to the beach the next day and I said 'great, I'd love to go.' Immediately I got the vibe I wasn't really wanted, but told myself I was being silly, as why wouldn't I be? I sent a text that night asking what time they were meeting, and went to the bus station the next morning. I was waiting ages, when I saw them buying tickets. They hadn't even bothered to look out for me. I went up to them and they both fake-smiled and said 'hi' in the most unenthusiastic voices I'd ever heard. Spent the rest of the day feeling like a total muppet - I had wanted to leave once I saw their reaction at the station, but felt like it was too late. This has happened on various occasions. I don't know why. I've been told many times I'm likeable, I'm friendly, I dress well, I have lots to say. I'm not boring, or nerdy or nasty. Yet certain women make me feel like an utter loser, like I'm not worthy of their friendship or something.

UpCork

Cliques are horrible, and I too, have fallen "victim" to them in the past.
In my current job, there are three main groups really. I'm lucky to have a few friends in this group and also people I sit with at lunch and can just have a chat to. Interestingly, this group is the older members of staff & the ones who have been there the longest. The majority of those of my own age group (late 20s-early 30s), with the exception of about three, have their own clique. They are horrendous. I never said anything to anyone else in work about this as I thought perhaps I was paranoid, having experienced this kind of behaviour before, but lately a few people have said it to me that they find this groups' behaviour pretty petty and disturbing. The sit at the same table at break time. If that table is full, instead of splitting up and joining the others, they'll clear off the other table (there are only 5 tables in the canteen, four which are occupied, the fifth not and ususally used for storage of stuff) so that they can all sit together. If one of our tables is full and we have the mis-fortune of having to sit at their table, they'll barely speak to us. The eye contact between all of them anytime anyone says anything is unbelievable. Funny this is, they aren't exactly setting the world on fire with the amount of work they do. They never want to help someone out or do anything extra but are always ready and will to laugh at or point out someone elses faults when they happen to make a mistake.

It's awful. OP, I'd say avoid and try and hang out with another lot of nice people.

easynote

It sounds as if you do not really want to be friends with these two girls anyway, but you do not want them to be able to keep you out of the larger group either, and you are afraid they will do so if you do not become friends with them too. You say they are cliquey and that gives you reason to fear this.

My advice would be- just ignore them, show that you have no interest in becoming friends with them either, as you don't really like them- and why should you have to pretend only to not having to fear that they try to have you totally excluded.

They sound horrible. They are probably scared of you being able to have them completely excluded. Just show them how childish you think they are, don't play in their game- and others will be able to see as well what they are trying to do. Once you are friends with the rest of the group these two girls will probably all of a sudden be really nice to you and try to make friends with you. Just remember who they are, pity them, but never get close to them cause they will probably try to do the same thing again, as a little revenge for not being able to do it the first time, and if you get close to them they can start making up any kind of story about or whatever. Uhhh, I hate these kind of people....