boyfriend is all i got but not right for me

LegacyUser

hello,

I have posted this before last week and i didn't get many replies althought i got a few good ones though but I wanted to hear from people who are or have been in these circumstances and the same situation i am in. I don't really know where to start i have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years but the past 3 or 4 months I realised that I am not suited for him. I love him as a person but i am not in love with him. I find it hard to break up with him althought i know i need to be honest to myself and to him.
Everytime i try to break up with him I get in to a deep depression because he is the only one that cares about me and the only one i have here and if i lose him then i don't know how what how i will be. Im 29 and don't have much of a family and I don't know any people here i have one good friend here althought im living in dublin for 2 years now. I started college a few weeks ago.
Most of the people in the class are all doing the life thing, have children and or their extended family and some sort of home. I live in a little bedsit well it could be worse but i am worried when i break up with my boyfriend something bad will happen to me. I suffer from depression at times, well i know alot people do but giving my circumstances and the situation i will be in when i break up with my boyfriend, my depression worsening. I will have to do what is right and accept it and accept the loniness of my situation. There are lot more people far worse of than me. I will just have to start again on my own

Exclamation Marc

Put yourself in his shoes. If you found out in 2 years time that your bf was only with you because there was not much else going on you'd be pretty devastated. The same applies for you if you hang onto this relationship much longer, you'll feel worse and worse the longer you hang on.

Maybe all this hanging on is adding to your depression and the freedom may give you a boost in your mood and in life. Clearly the stress of being in the situation is taking its toll on you so don't be too sceptical to single life. If you're not in love with him and you are convinced he doesn't suit you, then find someone who is and does. Settling will only make life harder in the long run.

LegacyUser

He won't stop caring for you just because you split up.
This isn't about being scared, it's about being selfish. And selfish is wasting someones' time in a relationship you know isn't going anywhere. If you care for him more than what you care for yourself, you'll know the right thing to do. It'll be a rocky road for a while but both of you will emerge the better from it in the end. Be brave.

Moomoo1

could it be working the other way: that you want to break up with your bf _because_ you are depressed?

LegacyUser

Well i dont know what to to do anymore. there is very very few people with my circumstances in this situation

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

could it be working the other way: that you want to break up with your bf _because_ you are depressed?

Well no i know in my heart he is not right for me. there is very very few people with these circumstances and in this situation. The only way i can get throught is if i can or try to be an island and block needing people or feeling like i need anyone because the loniness and isolation is too bad.

LighterGuy

Hmmm, Op many a person has been in your footsteps before... to date and stay with a man because they were all they had.

In every situation its just flat out wrong. I have seen a a few girls do it. It all ended horrible. Most of the time some other guy will come along and grab their attention. And since they are not forfilled in the relationship they end up cheating or only then breaking up with the bf (because there is someone else to fall back on) ...But usually cheating always happens really. In one form or the other. Someone wouldnt just breakup with the "safety net" boyfriend without knowing they will have something with the new guy. They always test the waters first.

Op, you may not be aware of this but you (like many before you) are staying with a partner because of your own selfish needs.

Dont do what many women have done before you. I know its hard to give up something when you dont have alot. But think of the future. You are going to probably break this guys heart either way by breaking up with him. Do you really wanna be like certain girls and only break-up only when you are ready? ... when things are better? then do it?


Im sorry to tell you. But you would then be a total user in life.

LegacyUser

LighterGuy wrote: »

Hmmm, Op many a person has been in your footsteps before... to date and stay with a man because they were all they had.

In every situation its just flat out wrong. I have seen a a few girls do it. It all ended horrible. Most of the time some other guy will come along and grab their attention. And since they are not forfilled in the relationship they end up cheating or only then breaking up with the bf (because there is someone else to fall back on) ...But usually cheating always happens really. In one form or the other. Someone wouldnt just breakup with the "safety net" boyfriend without knowing they will have something with the new guy. They always test the waters first.

Op, you may not be aware of this but you (like many before you) are staying with a partner because of your own selfish needs.

Dont do what many women have done before you. I know its hard to give up something when you dont have alot. But think of the future. You are going to probably break this guys heart either way by breaking up with him. Do you really wanna be like certain girls and only break-up only when you are ready? ... when things are better? then do it?


Im sorry to tell you. But you would then be a total user in life.

Well, im not with him for my own selfish needs... i have no family or no one. I tried to break up with him. I don't have anyone or anything, things are not going to get any better for me. How am i selfish? I am not that strong enought to live a lonely, isolated life. i have no emotional or any kind of security, I don't know what going to happen if i break up with him, he might'nt want to talk to me again or be friends

Moomoo1

tealeafs81 wrote: »

Well no i know in my heart he is not right for me. there is very very few people with these circumstances and in this situation.

not as few as you think

not nearly as few as you think

why is he not right for you?

ditzyfitzy

I have also suffered from depression & at the time I stayed with a guy I loved as a friend but nothing more. Eventually I ended it, but because I was honest with him we were able to stay friends & still talk on a daily basis over a year later.

I know you said you don't have any family or support but neither did I. You say you have just started college so why not try to get involved in a club or society? I found that the best way to meet people & have met some of my best friends from college there.

It will be hard at the start but it really does get better. Also you may want to see a doctor & go on some form of anti-depressant for a little while.

LighterGuy

tealeafs81 wrote: »

Well, im not with him for my own selfish needs... i have no family or no one. I tried to break up with him. I don't have anyone or anything, things are not going to get any better for me. How am i selfish? I am not that strong enought to live a lonely, isolated life. i have no emotional or any kind of security, I don't know what going to happen if i break up with him, he might'nt want to talk to me again or be friends

Well first off i'm sorry if my posts comes off as rather jerkish. Im just being direct

The reason why I said selfish is because you are continuing to date a man while the relationship is over in your eyes. But you are only doing so because having him beats not having anything. In fairness, if someone you dated was feeling that - you wouldnt like it. You are only staying with him for your own needs. You arent the only one in life who does that tho.

Basically to sum it up this is a catch-22 situation for you. If you do the right thing and be honest with him you will be taking away pretty much the only thing you have in your life - - - if you dont be honest, whats going to happen op? you will eventually break up with him but only when you are ready. Which sadly would make you a user.

Lets be honest, it takes a very strong person to let go of something when that something is really all they have. But sadly alot of people end up having nothing at times in their life. Then they rebuild. But of course being in such situations is never chosen. Usually just happens.

So this is all about whats going to win op - your conscience/morals/ethics or that built is desire we all have to to look out for ourselfs and not caring about others.

All I know is due to your situation you are at high likelihood to cheat or to suddenly break it off with him when someone else comes along. I dont think you really would want that. But you dont know whats around the corner.

summer20100

i rarely use this board , iam male in same way as yourself.
nearly exact case ect, was looking myself for advise ect if anyone had these issues before and how to deal with them.i know how you feel would like chat i dont think allow email here .please get accounts on boards if like and i can mail u if u like.

i know what u mean , and how hard it is, i really do.

Exclamation Marc

tealeafs81 wrote: »

Well, im not with him for my own selfish needs... i have no family or no one. I tried to break up with him. I don't have anyone or anything, things are not going to get any better for me. How am i selfish? I am not that strong enought to live a lonely, isolated life. i have no emotional or any kind of security, I don't know what going to happen if i break up with him, he might'nt want to talk to me again or be friends

But it is a selfish need that you're still with him. You're keeping him around because as you say yourself that you have few friends and no family here. That should never come into the equation of why you would stay with someone. It should be irrelvant. Sadly it sounds as if you like him being around because you like his company and the protection he gives you from being alone.

If the answer to why you are still with him doesn't contain the phrase "because we're in love and its where we want to be" then you just shouldn't be in the relationship. If you care about him you shouldn't let him continue to think that the relationship is going somewhere, because you're lying to him. Every moment you don't want to be with him is a moment he is thinking about how much he loves you and wants the relationship to go somewhere, and its unfair to live like that because in a way you're leading him on. Leading him on because he thinks its going somewhere. If you met someone amazing tomorrow, it sounds like you'd leave your current partner because you wouldn't have the worry of being alone anymore and that says it all really.

If my gf turned around and said to me that she was only with me for the last while because she unable to break up with me and she was scared of being alone, I'd be heartbroken because I would feel used.

It's not fair on your other half and its not fair on you.

Be with him if you're in love with him. If it's going nowhere, leave him because its the nicest thing you could do for him.

WhodahWoodah

OP if you're scared about the practicalities of breaking up - i.e. where will you live etc, then sit down with a pen and paper and work it out. Figure out your budget, where you would live etc and maybe even have a place sorted before you do it.

You're both going to end up hurt once you pull the trigger - there's not really any way around that, but there has been no cheating or fighting here. Nothing to long term hate each other over. So you never know - if you do this tactfully and carefully you could well end up with him as your friend.

Just have a really good think about it first - make sure you really want to break up and it's not just a reaction to being in the settled in phase of your relationship, or that you are reflecting feelings of depression onto your relationship.

If you definitely feel that you want to break up, then make a plan and do it sooner rather than later. Otherwise you're wasting both of your time. Sooner you do it, the sooner you can both heal and then go find new people to love.

LegacyUser

WhodahWoodah wrote: »

OP if you're scared about the practicalities of breaking up - i.e. where will you live etc, then sit down with a pen and paper and work it out. Figure out your budget, where you would live etc and maybe even have a place sorted before you do it.

You're both going to end up hurt once you pull the trigger - there's not really any way around that, but there has been no cheating or fighting here. Nothing to long term hate each other over. So you never know - if you do this tactfully and carefully you could well end up with him as your friend.

Just have a really good think about it first - make sure you really want to break up and it's not just a reaction to being in the settled in phase of your relationship, or that you are reflecting feelings of depression onto your relationship.

If you definitely feel that you want to break up, then make a plan and do it sooner rather than later. Otherwise you're wasting both of your time. Sooner you do it, the sooner you can both heal and then go find new people to love.

Well, its very hard to break up with him, its will be alot of long suffering pain, loniness and even more isolation. he is all i got in the world, we don't live together i live on my own, why does everyone assume that all couples live together. I would like to have a child with him i know its bad and wrong but i know i won't find anyone else and he would be a good father. Its really hard to find some one good here and extra extra hard for me to find someone i like, im not the normal person that likes drinking, the x factor, going out and wearing fashionable clothes.

Zeouterlimits

tealeafs81 wrote: »

Well, its very hard to break up with him, its will be alot of long suffering pain, loniness and even more isolation. he is all i got in the world, we don't live together i live on my own, why does everyone assume that all couples live together. I would like to have a child with him i know its bad and wrong but i know i won't find anyone else and he would be a good father. Its really hard to find some one good here and extra extra hard for me to find someone i like, im not the normal person that likes drinking, the x factor, going out and wearing fashionable clothes.

This is crazy. Does this man think you love him?
You don't think you're abusing his love by staying with just because you're afraid to stand on your own two feet? RESPECT HIM, be honest.

kylith

OP, you're not doing yourself or your boyfriend any favours by staying with him just because you don't want to be alone. As others have said; put yourself in his shoes. If you found out that he was only with you because he didn't want to be on his own you'd be devastated.

Do the decent thing and break up with him, then join some societies in college, and think seriously about seeing a counsellor about your depression.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago with a guy I'd met through my friends. I just didn't love him any more and when he left I lost 99% of my friends too, but you just have to go on, join a club, make the effort and meet more people. You'll never make friends hanging around in your house.

LegacyUser

kylith wrote: »

OP, you're not doing yourself or your boyfriend any favours by staying with him just because you don't want to be alone. As others have said; put yourself in his shoes. If you found out that he was only with you because he didn't want to be on his own you'd be devastated.

Do the decent thing and break up with him, then join some societies in college, and think seriously about seeing a counsellor about your depression.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago with a guy I'd met through my friends. I just didn't love him any more and when he left I lost 99% of my friends too, but you just have to go on, join a club, make the effort and meet more people. You'll never make friends hanging around in your house.

Well thank you for the advice and for sharing your thoughts. i tried break up with him but what am i going to do. i had been single for four years i was very very lonely, depressed and isolated, i had to stay on my own those christmases in my bedsit here, there isn't many people who knows how bad loniness can be. I am not in a university, im in a college and there isn't any clubs or societies. I didn't lose any friends i just don't have any.

holahoop

tealeafs81 wrote: »

Well thank you for the advice and for sharing your thoughts. i tried break up with him but what am i going to do. i had been single for four years i was very very lonely, depressed and isolated, i had to stay on my own those christmases in my bedsit here, there isn't many people who knows how bad loniness can be. I am not in a university, im in a college and there isn't any clubs or societies. I didn't lose any friends i just don't have any.

OP im in a similar suitation to you. I was going out with my OH for 3 years.
Ive never had many friends, nearly every weekend was taken up with my OH, texting all the week etc.. but like you i knew we werent made to be together and would break up eventually. But i too didnt want to go through the pain of a breakup, the lonelyness of having none to talk to any problems about, even just the general contact every day. So i kept putting it off and off etc...

We broke up a month ago, Im not saying the last month has been easy.
Since the breakup ive joined a number of social sites, dating sites, Clubs etc..

I went to my first meetup last week and i was nervous as hell walking in the door. This was a big step for me as i would never had the confidence to walk into a room full of strangers before and try to initate conversation. It went very well, i meet a few people and a good time. Ive signed up for the next one so hopefully wont be as nervous next time now i know some people/

Before you break up with your b/f i think you really need to move outside your comfort zone and try make a big effort to get to know a few people in dublin and make some friends. one step at a time.
An example would be move out of your bedsit and get a house share with a few girls. it really is a great way to meet and make some friends.

If you have a few people to rely on it will make the decision to break up with your boyfriend a lot easier and a lot less painfull.
Just think about what will you do if your b/f dumps you one day.

LegacyUser

holahoop wrote: »

OP im in a similar suitation to you. I was going out with my OH for 3 years.
Ive never had many friends, nearly every weekend was taken up with my OH, texting all the week etc.. but like you i knew we werent made to be together and would break up eventually. But i too didnt want to go through the pain of a breakup, the lonelyness of having none to talk to any problems about, even just the general contact every day. So i kept putting it off and off etc...

We broke up a month ago, Im not saying the last month has been easy.
Since the breakup ive joined a number of social sites, dating sites, Clubs etc..

I went to my first meetup last week and i was nervous as hell walking in the door. This was a big step for me as i would never had the confidence to walk into a room full of strangers before and try to initate conversation. It went very well, i meet a few people and a good time. Ive signed up for the next one so hopefully wont be as nervous next time now i know some people/

Before you break up with your b/f i think you really need to move outside your comfort zone and try make a big effort to get to know a few people in dublin and make some friends. one step at a time.
An example would be move out of your bedsit and get a house share with a few girls. it really is a great way to meet and make some friends.

If you have a few people to rely on it will make the decision to break up with your boyfriend a lot easier and a lot less painfull.
Just think about what will you do if your b/f dumps you one day.

Thank you very much, your message helped alot. I wish i get your bravery and courage, I am sure i can its just extra extra hard to flight loniness and isolation, when I do break up but i can go to support groups and new things. I will try to go to something new i might try going to a christian group like trinity or something. I was told it i was sure to find many positive people there I don't want to meet anyone I just want to get back to who i am. I just need to have the courage. How are you coping now, I hope you meet good friends and i wish you meet the right person for you soon, you will. I wish you all the best, Thank you again for sharing that with me.

niceoneted

OP Am I correct in thinking that you are not originally from Ireland - reference re family and the way you phrase certain things is making me think this.

You need to get out and meet people be it through your college, society, sports team.
I have suffered from depression so know what that is like but I'll never suffer from it again as I can spot the triggers and have learned how to turn them around to positives and also change diet and exercise to aid.

I live on my own and sometimes feel lonely or rather that I'd like a bit of company for an hour or two. Most of my friends and family live far from me. I have spend christmas on my own and it's always the best.

Stop telling yourself you are isolated, change it so you are not isolated or lonely. Only you can do that. Learn to enjoy your own company. FInd hobbies and interests.

billythew

If your gut instinct is telling you it's over, then it's over. And the longer you delay the worse you are going to feel - there is no doubt about that. Many relationships hit a wall after 18 months-2 years, it's not abnormal.

There's never a good time to end a relationship and it's not going to be enjoyable whenever it happens but the sooner it happens the better. You might feel some guilt but at the same time a weight will have been lifted off your shoulders. And, over time, your partner may also come to see that the relationship did not have a future.

When you are single once more you will find that you have a certain freedom - you don't have to think in terms of a couple anymore, and if you want to do something you can just do it without consulting/negotiating/arguing with anybody else. That is quite a liberating thing, and it could very well inspire you to make further major life decisions which in the long run could have an overwhelmingly positive effect on your life itself and the enjoyment that you get out of it.

I saw one of these 'No Fear' posters recently and it said 'The beaten path is for beaten men'. Very macho and all but there is a grain of truth in there somewhere and you need to be wary of getting stuck in a rut.

Do the decent thing - for both of your sakes. And try not to be too hard on yourself

Stu

OP, Its not fair to do what your doing. You need to end this relationship now. You have your own place and can make a fresh start, Stop talking about feeling lonely and isolated. It is up to you to change this situation. You are using your boyfriend as a crutch and sooner or later you will dump him when you meet somebody else but don't let it get this far, your boyfriend doesn't deserve this.

You need to pull yourself together and be a bit stronger. Stop playing the victim and tell your boyfriend that it isn't working out. You are a young women with your whole life ahead of you so please stop looking for pity and do the right thing.

chainsaws

If your boyfriend is not right for you, then you should break up.

WhodahWoodah

tealeafs81 wrote: »

Well, its very hard to break up with him, its will be alot of long suffering pain, loniness and even more isolation. he is all i got in the world, we don't live together i live on my own, why does everyone assume that all couples live together. I would like to have a child with him i know its bad and wrong but i know i won't find anyone else and he would be a good father. Its really hard to find some one good here and extra extra hard for me to find someone i like, im not the normal person that likes drinking, the x factor, going out and wearing fashionable clothes.

I realise it's all scary but at the same time, you don't really seem to be considering what he might want. I doubt he wants to be going out with someone who's just not that into him. It's not very fair on him. It's about more than what you want - he's got feelings too. I'd be horrified if I found out that I had a boyfriend who wasn't in love with me but preferred being with me over breaking up so was hanging around in the relationship! I'd feel strung along and lied to. If you tell him you love him you're lying to his face because while you might love him as a friend, you know full well he thinks you mean as a lover. You shouldn't waste his time just because you think it's going to be difficult to find a new boyfriend. Whatever you do don't have a child if you're feeling like this!

Also, as I said before in this thread somewhere - nobody has cheated, there's been no arguing or violence. There's no reason why, if you handle this carefully, you can't end up being friends with one another after the initial mourning period.

And as far as the drinking, X-Factor, going out and wearing fashionable clothes goes, you could always find activities to take part in that don't incorporate these. Pony trekking, art classes, cookery classes, hill walking club, swimming, book club - there are literally millions of things you could do. That way, even if you don't get a new boyfriend out of it, you can still combat the loneliness aspect by filling your life with activities and new people. And this is coming from a person whose fiance broke up with her completely out of the blue in May after 6 years together, almost all of that living together, owning a house together, engaged to be married and even had pets together. If I could survive that you can survive this!

You just have to decide are you in or are you out and if you're in, is it for the right reasons and are you being fair?

WhodahWoodah

tealeafs81 wrote: »

Well thank you for the advice and for sharing your thoughts. i tried break up with him but what am i going to do. i had been single for four years i was very very lonely, depressed and isolated, i had to stay on my own those christmases in my bedsit here, there isn't many people who knows how bad loniness can be. I am not in a university, im in a college and there isn't any clubs or societies. I didn't lose any friends i just don't have any.

Also why don't you consider moving into a houseshare? Living alone in a bedsit is probably not the prescribed behaviour for a depressive! If you move into a house with a few housemates, you might find that it's a bit of fun and you have someone to chat with over a cup of tea, watch the soaps (or whatever you like to watch) with or argue with about whose turn it is to clean the bathroom / mow the grass. I think you're probably spending too much time in your own head!!

Also if you move in with other people of a similar age you'll be exposed to all of their circles of friends, and you'll have people who you could say "Hey, feel like going to the cinema tonight?" or "I'm going for a wander down town to have a look around the shops - wanna come?". Some of my oldest friends are randomers I shared houses with in university - people I never would have met had I lived on my own. And through whom I met many of my college boyfriends!

Liam Byrne

tealeafs81 wrote: »

Well, its very hard to break up with him, its will be alot of long suffering pain, loniness and even more isolation. he is all i got in the world, we don't live together i live on my own, why does everyone assume that all couples live together. I would like to have a child with him i know its bad and wrong but i know i won't find anyone else and he would be a good father. Its really hard to find some one good here and extra extra hard for me to find someone i like, im not the normal person that likes drinking, the x factor, going out and wearing fashionable clothes.

Do you realise how that sounds in relation to your "partner" ?

You're implying that he's not someone good and not someone you like.

Not only that, but the suggestion of having a child with him is twisted, particularly if he doesn't know that you don't want him.

If you want to be with him, be with him.
If you don't, then end it.

There's nothing in the rules of life that say you have to be in a relationship.

LegacyUser

niceoneted wrote: »

OP Am I correct in thinking that you are not originally from Ireland - reference re family and the way you phrase certain things is making me think this.

You need to get out and meet people be it through your college, society, sports team.
I have suffered from depression so know what that is like but I'll never suffer from it again as I can spot the triggers and have learned how to turn them around to positives and also change diet and exercise to aid.

I live on my own and sometimes feel lonely or rather that I'd like a bit of company for an hour or two. Most of my friends and family live far from me. I have spend christmas on my own and it's always the best.

Stop telling yourself you are isolated, change it so you are not isolated or lonely. Only you can do that. Learn to enjoy your own company. FInd hobbies and interests.

Thank you for writing. Its good and helpful I know i have to learn to like my oen company and try to get out of the house and feel the fear do it anyway. Well i am going to take it day by day and focus on the good things i have, that many people in the world don't have. I think i will join a pray group or something like that or maybe a evening course in something. Well I am Irish , what gives you the impression im not. I get that alot that people here people thinking im not Irish, i think its because im different to how others expressive their thoughts and think in a different way to many people. im not special, nothing special, just different in expressing my thoughts, i think that might be why you think im not irish but i don't know. i express things in my own way... am speaking english sure. Well the family thing i got a family but its not a healthly place to go, alot of problems i couldn't take it anymore there. Well you are going good and I wish you find good friends and someone who is good for you. All the best

LegacyUser

WhodahWoodah wrote: »

I realise it's all scary but at the same time, you don't really seem to be considering what he might want. I doubt he wants to be going out with someone who's just not that into him. It's not very fair on him. It's about more than what you want - he's got feelings too. I'd be horrified if I found out that I had a boyfriend who wasn't in love with me but preferred being with me over breaking up so was hanging around in the relationship! I'd feel strung along and lied to. If you tell him you love him you're lying to his face because while you might love him as a friend, you know full well he thinks you mean as a lover. You shouldn't waste his time just because you think it's going to be difficult to find a new boyfriend. Whatever you do don't have a child if you're feeling like this!

Also, as I said before in this thread somewhere - nobody has cheated, there's been no arguing or violence. There's no reason why, if you handle this carefully, you can't end up being friends with one another after the initial mourning period.

And as far as the drinking, X-Factor, going out and wearing fashionable clothes goes, you could always find activities to take part in that don't incorporate these. Pony trekking, art classes, cookery classes, hill walking club, swimming, book club - there are literally millions of things you could do. That way, even if you don't get a new boyfriend out of it, you can still combat the loneliness aspect by filling your life with activities and new people. And this is coming from a person whose fiance broke up with her completely out of the blue in May after 6 years together, almost all of that living together, owning a house together, engaged to be married and even had pets together. If I could survive that you can survive this!

You just have to decide are you in or are you out and if you're in, is it for the right reasons and are you being fair?

Well, I admire the courage and strenght you have im sure there is alot of untold pain on a big scale of pain angry and depression that would be affecting every aspect of your life after you ex fiace broke up with you. my situation is very very small compared to yours, I hope abit of the strenght you have to go the right way. All the best

Snoopy1

OP, you are in same situation i was in.
I moved to Ireland to be with OH, so my family are not here. We lived together for 6 years, and were due to get married last week. I never had my own friends, and we had problems. I stayed with him because i was too scared to go on my own.
We broke up in January, and it was hard. i also suffer from depression. Im still lonely, although have finally sorted my head out emotionally.
I went on a dating site and while i had successes and failures, it actually gave me a chance to meet new people and see new places, that id previously avoided in my isolated couples world.
You have to think positive, and start doing things. Ive just joined a new gym that has lots of classes, which will get me out the house of an evening time

LegacyUser

Well, i think i have to break up with him. its very upsetting because i know he will be very very upset. I don't know how i will cope and everytime i think about it even the thought of it is very very upsetting i hope he we will keep close friends because if i lose him i don't think my life is worth living because i have no one at all and i would feel like im not wanted in the world.

LegacyUser

OP i dont think you should be so depandent on your soon to be ex boyfriend. if you break up and stay friends thats good. but if not dont take it as a rejection. it might not be good for him to hang around you hoping to get back with you

breaK up with but dont get back with him just because you are lonely or to keep him dangling

Its also too much pressure on person knowing you are their only outlet for friendship

Have you any hobbies at all? music? guitar? art? photography? acting? sport? is there any club you could join? or drama group? or even walking club?

herosa

The first thing I think you should do is tackle the bedsit issue. They are horrible evil little places that would depress anyone. Go into daft ie rental section and look for house shares that have single girls your age advertising for someone. Instant mates if you are lucky. Now he wont be the only person in your life. Then take a big deep breath and be honest with yourself. Marriage is so hard as it is even when you do love someone. Can you imagine yourself standing there in your white dress saying I do to someone you dont love just because you were too scared to be alone for the few years it would take to find someone you do love. Think back to the young girl you were who had dreams. Would you not be so sad for her if you did that. Being single is lonely and scary but thats what pubs and clubs are for. Thats also what flatmates are for to go out to them with them. Scary as the thought of being single is I think it is far more scary to spend your life with a man you dont love. Buy the book feel the fear and do it anyway. Start saving for your deposit and make a promise to yourself that 2011 is going to be very different.ps I know you dont party and it doesnt have to be pubs and clubs but I wouldnt turn them down either. People go to them and drink soft drinks too.I thought you were foreign too. I had this idea you were eastern european!

LegacyUser

herosa wrote: »

The first thing I think you should do is tackle the bedsit issue. They are horrible evil little places that would depress anyone. Go into daft ie rental section and look for house shares that have single girls your age advertising for someone. Instant mates if you are lucky. Now he wont be the only person in your life. Then take a big deep breath and be honest with yourself. Marriage is so hard as it is even when you do love someone. Can you imagine yourself standing there in your white dress saying I do to someone you dont love just because you were too scared to be alone for the few years it would take to find someone you do love. Think back to the young girl you were who had dreams. Would you not be so sad for her if you did that. Being single is lonely and scary but thats what pubs and clubs are for. Thats also what flatmates are for to go out to them with them. Scary as the thought of being single is I think it is far more scary to spend your life with a man you dont love. Buy the book feel the fear and do it anyway. Start saving for your deposit and make a promise to yourself that 2011 is going to be very different.ps I know you dont party and it doesnt have to be pubs and clubs but I wouldnt turn them down either. People go to them and drink soft drinks too.I thought you were foreign too. I had this idea you were eastern european!

Well thank you. I know what you mean but i think i will let fate guide me anyways. That is a good book feel the fear do it anyway. Maybe things will fall in to place, I don't know. universally speaking, the majority of people who marry each other its not love marriages. I will have to think and see what i should do and hopefully he won't be upset and hurt because i do love him as a person. yea, maybe things can work out some how. its a good idea for people to move to house sharing but this is the nicest bedsit and place i ever had i am happy with it and i could'nt live with others im too eccentric and putting up with all of that again is just not what i need even when i cast my mind back to when i did live with others just makes me feel lonely. most of the house sharing wasn't good. Why do you think im foreign? eastern european , give me a break im from northern ireland i think we have have a different way of expressing ourself to people down here. i feel foreign alot though think its because i am my own person and thats how i express myself.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I'm sorry you have to go through this. It's an awful feeling to have. I had it.
I was going out with my then boyfriend for about 9 years, and probably knew it wasn't right for me about 4/5 years on. Was too insecure and afraid to do anything about it. Plus he was a lovely guy, kind and caring, which made the break-up harder to do. For me it was either get married and have kids with the wrong person, stay in the unhappy relationship, or completely expose myself and break-up.
I broke up with him. It was agonising seeing him going through the turmoil of the break up. My heart was breaking for him, but I did feel a sense of relief.
That was 2 years ago, and although it's very hard and lonely at times, I'm glad that I did something for me, I asserted myself, listened to my own heart, did what was right for me.

There's a book I'd recommend called "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" by Susan Jeffers. I think it would help you.

You should do what's right for you. Maybe this could be a fresh start for you. A chance to make new friends, have a happier life without all this worry, and maybe meet the person who will be the love of your life (corny i know sorry), not just someone who you will and settle with. You deserve better, don't settle. That's not fair on either of you.

Best of luck OP. x