can I trust him

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

My recent boyfriend of 4 years has cheated on me. I was away visiting my parents abroad and he was due to come out the second week. The weekend before he flew out he went out with the lads and kissed a girl we know. I found out when we returned from holidays. My whole world collapsed. I was more annoyed about the fact that he lied rather than the fact that he kissed her. He was very drunk and cant remember alot of it.

I threw him out of the house and cut all contact. He had no where to go and was sleeping in his car. He came to me a few days ago, crying his eyes out, apologising and begging for a second chance. that i was all he wanted and how he wanted a family with me etc.

I know people make mistakes and I honestly think that he knows how badly he has f***d up. He has promised to do whatever it takes. I decided to give us another go and to take it slow and see how i feel. He went out for a work do the other night and was home in bed early and only had a few pints. He rang me a dozen times while he was out and text me when he was leaving. Usually I would be lucky if i seen him before morning.

Question is has anyone been in this situation before and all worked out? will he stay faithfull and can I trust him. I love him so much and I am hoping that I havent gone and shot myself in the foot.

Is there anyone in his shoes that has been unfaithfull and given a 2nd chance and been happy? or is it all an unending circle of unhappiness??

thank you for listening.

IrishEyes19

It really depends, OP, what was behind the kissing. As in was she very drunk, or are they good friends, have you seen them flirting. How did you find out about it?

Id be concerned that it wasn't a once off. And also the fact that he lied. That would worry me also.

John Mason

it was only kiss - slight over-reaction there OP.

Yes, it SHOULDNT have happeneded but sometimes these things happen when alchohol is involved.

was it a 10 second kiss?
was it a lets get naked kiss?
does he does on a regular basis

if it was a 10 second drunken fumble - let it go

seamus

doiordonti wrote: »

I know people make mistakes and I honestly think that he knows how badly he has f***d up. He has promised to do whatever it takes. I decided to give us another go and to take it slow and see how i feel. He went out for a work do the other night and was home in bed early and only had a few pints. He rang me a dozen times while he was out and text me when he was leaving. Usually I would be lucky if i seen him before morning.

So all of the above indicates that he's serious about paying for his mistake and taking steps to avoid it ever happening again.

Question is has anyone been in this situation before and all worked out? will he stay faithfull and can I trust him. I love him so much and I am hoping that I havent gone and shot myself in the foot.

What you're really asking is whether a man who has cheated once is bound to cheat again.

And the answer is no, of course not. We're human and we make mistakes. We also have the capacity to learn from our mistakes and to take steps to ensure that they don't happen again. There are some men for whom cheating is a way of life - the "mistake" is getting caught. For most men, cheating is not the standard and understand that the mistake is the act of cheating.

Everyone has the right to a chance to prove that they understand the mistake that they've made and to prove that it will never happen again.

Is there anyone in his shoes that has been unfaithfull and given a 2nd chance and been happy? or is it all an unending circle of unhappiness??

Yours is the same story that's happened millions of times, all over the world. People can move past it and be happy. But you both have to do so. There's both an element of him repenting for his mistake, but also you accepting his repetence and forgetting about it. What happens a lot of the time is that the cheater repents and never cheats again, but the other partner cannot get past it and uses it as a stick to beat the other person or uses it to tear the relationship apart.

For the relationship to work from here on in, you both need to find a way to draw a line under the incident, consign it to the past and not let it become a "thing" in your relationship. If that requires talking about it with him, then do so.

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

It really depends, OP, what was behind the kissing. As in was she very drunk, or are they good friends, have you seen them flirting. How did you find out about it?

This too is important. Remember that what he did was a mistake, it wasn't an accident. There was a sequence of events leading up to this which at any point the encounter could have been stopped, but it didn't.

I have managed to go out and get completely polotic many, many times, but I've never ended up wrapped in the arms of another woman at the end of it. For him, it might be worth investigating why this happened in the first place. It may indicate that he's feeling stressed or unhappy in your relationship. But it could also just be nothing more than a stupid, drunken mistake.

Best of luck OP.

LegacyUser

Seamus: thank you for your post, yes you are right we both need to draw a line. and i want to, I am just afraid of having to go threw all this again if im wrong about him.

For what he has told me and from what witnesses have told me ( girlfriends who seen him) he was very drunk and she kissed him. it wasnt passionate or leading to anything else, because after it happened he got up and left and went home. I have gone through this scenario in my head a thousand times and I want to believe it. He is a flirt generally " a bit of a charmer " especially when he is drunk.

I believe we can get through this and have a stronger relationship.

seamus

It sounds then like you have a guy who made a big mistake completely unintentionally and knows it. I can understand how if you were completely hammered, you might be slow to push away a girl who planted one on you - your brain is slow to fire, you've forgotten who you and where you are, and by the time your brain puts 2 and 2 together, five seconds have passed which looks like a proper kiss to outsiders.
The girl obviously mistook his flirty mannerisms as genuine interest and went for it.

Since your friends are corroborating his story, then I would be inclined to believe it.

No doubt you're hurt that he kept this from you, but he had two choices in the cold light of day:
- Tell you straight out and hope that you believe his story and don't break up with him
- Say nothing, and hope that you don't find out

The second is infinitely easier route to take, even if it's the selfish one. It sounds like he knows that he chose the wrong one.

Yes, it will make your relationship stronger. Every time you come to a make-or-break point in your relationship and find a way to keep it together, the relationship always becomes stronger and deeper as a result. In my experience.

LegacyUser

doiordonti wrote: »

Usually I would be lucky if i seen him before morning.

I'd be more worried about this. Does he not let you know he won't be home? And even if he does let you know, what the hell is he doing staying out all night in the first place?
I don't think the kiss is as big a deal as staying out all night. If the two of you end up having children, you'd have to take care of them yourself if he likes to stay out all night.

LighterGuy

Hmmm.... A confusing situation indeed.

If you were dating him for any short time (up until a year) I would say walk. But 4 years is a good sized relationship.

But one thing that gets my attention is you say he got caught out. But only by your friends who were out with him. Who does he usually go out with? same friends? or just all his friends?

I dont mean to get ideas in your head but i would take that on board too.

greengiant09

hhhmm, difficult situation to be in. don't want to alarm you but i know a handful of guys who do the dirt on the girlfriends regularly. obviously not all guys are like this but there are lads out there that are very good at hiding what they get up to...and their girlfriends are none the wiser. i'd be worried that he never told you....that would mean he would have been comfortable to carry on regardless. and if so, whats to say he hasn't done this before? i know trust is important but i think the odd snoop to see what he's getting up to would do no harm at all. check his texts on his phone, etc.