Told I was ungrateful

LegacyUser

My mother always told me, since I was about six years old and since, that I was "always so ungrateful".

I have realised that this was strange, as all I ever received was the basics, which is enough for a child if one has love and family as well.

There is a longer story, but this has stuck with me. What does it mean when a parent tell their child they should be more grateful? Was I ungrateful, in what ways? It is still bothering me and the sentence is stuck in my mind: "You are so ungrateful"....

Mackman

All kids are the same. They're not grateful, they dont understand the efforts parents go to for them. Its not till we're older that we appreciate all that our parents have done for us.
Im sure everyone's be called ungrateful by their parents at some stage. They just say it out of frustration at a situation

LegacyUser

It comes from their own insecurities, parents can project them onto their children as an easy way to vent their frustrations, you shouldn't have to feel you were ungrateful at such a young age, realize it wasnt about you and it was just your mother not taking responsibility for her emotions, one question to ask you, were you ungrateful as a child? If the answer is no, then thats your truth and if you mother has not bothered to ask you then she was telling you which is not really the reality. If anything she sounds like the ungrateful one.

Sounds like it has damaged your self esteem, if her voice is still saying it in your head, resolve your truth, believe it was not about you and you are a very grateful person, think of all the grateful things you have done and see that, dont let her insecurities become yours, its like having a poverty mentality, i grew up very poor, i had to grow out of my parents poverty mentality to feel deserving of a better life.

Taltos

OP - translating this reads as:

"Do you not know the sacrifices I went through to bring your horrid little ass into this world? Do you not know how much weight you caused me to put on? Do you not know how much of my social life you detracted from..."

Fact is OP - there are great mothers, there are good mothers, there are rotten ones and then there are folk who should not be mothers.
Hard to tell which bucket yours falls into - but from that one statement it is all about you making them feel better - and not about them being there for you...

Beruthiel

Taltos wrote: »

"Do you not know the sacrifices I went through to bring your horrid little ass into this world? Do you not know how much weight you caused me to put on? Do you not know how much of my social life you detracted from..."

Spot on.
A six year old doesn't know how to be ungrateful.
I would consider it mental abuse to be constantly telling your child something like that from such an early age.
For a parent to chip away at your confidence and self esteem instead of building you up and telling you how great you are is a shocking betrayal to any child.

It is still bothering me and the sentence is stuck in my mind: "You are so ungrateful"

This is your mothers problem, she has projected her issues onto you. Shame on her for doing so.
Let all the cruel things she has said to you over the years go. Realise what she has done to you. Know your own self worth for what it truly is.
Go talk to a professional and talk it through with them.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies.(pun not intended)

I always thought it meant I should thank her more- for whatever she was doing for me.

I just say thank you all the time to people nowadays, if someone talks to me, I say Thank you at the end of conversation, if someone asks me how I am I say good, thanks... and so on.

People must find it strange. I am just terrified of being told I am ungrateful. I still can not figure out what I was ungrateful for....

It left a hole in my heart, because I still can't figure out what I was ungrateful for. Maybe I was unhappy and whenever I expressed any kind of unhappiness I was told I was ungrateful. That is sort of like blaming me for feeling unhappy, instead of trying to make feel better or comfort me.

So, if I am unhappy, I should blame myself. That's how it has made me deal with life. And I shpuld be grateful instead- grateful that I am alive, have the basics (usually) and a roof over my head...

If I was truly happy I do not think I would be able to express enough or feel enough gratitude- therefore it is like I have avoided happiness. I couldn't be grateful enough and therefore I would not deserve it.

This must sound weird but it has really affected me... Maybe because I was told often and in situations where I had every reason to be upset.

Taltos

Beruthiel wrote: »

This is your mothers problem, she has projected her issues onto you. Shame on her for doing so.
Let all the cruel things she has said to you over the years go. Realise what she has done to you. Know your own self worth for what it truly is.
Go talk to a professional and talk it through with them.

+1
Definitely seek some help or share this with someone.
This is all about her - and is not a reflection on you.
Don't let her pettiness define who you are - be strong enough to move past it.
In years to come you might pity her for this view - but never doubt yourself.

trickywitch

Did you ever ask your Mother directly what she meant? I'm not convinced at all that the word ungrateful is a form of abuse or projection. Yes, this could have been said in frustration or even to try and correct a perceived attitude. This could have been said in an attempt (in her mind) to try and benefit you in the long run. Unfortunately nothing seems to have been explained to you - which in turn caused you to dwell on a possible flaw. Could she have meant for you to appreciate what you do have more? My own view is that while some of the support here has been great - turning everything around to be a fault of your mother's is a quick deflection but probably not the best way of looking at it - for you. No-one can insult you or hurt you unless you allow them to and while a Mother's words can certainly stick with you and damage your self esteem, you don't have to be the person she may have thought you were. You are a different person now than you were then and changing all the time. I know it sounds cheesy but you can become the person you want to be.

metrovelvet

Grateful? Ha. IT was her job.

Now a mother's job is rarely thanked and you can feel unappreciated, but the word ungrateful seems a bit disproportionate.

Your mother may have come from the generation where kids were shipped off to the US or foster homes when things were very tight. There are adults walking around 'grateful' that their parents didn't do that to them. Maybe she comes from that generation?

I know a grandmother who talks about how sad it made her that after putting so much care into cooking for her whole family, if someone didnt say ' i l love this dinner. This is delicious' she would feel taken for granted.

I think neither of you are communciating well.

seamus

It's one thing to teach your children to be grateful and respectful towards people who are kind to them. It's another thing entirely to guilt your child into feeling bad about existing in the first place.

I can understand a parent using this retort if their (teenage) child says, "You're so mean, you never do anything for me", but using it as continual put-down is just so wrong.

It may have been an old-fashioned thing. Irish people did (and still do to a certain extent) have a block against wanting more. People who were successful or ambitious were "greedy" and not humble, and therefore not good Catholics. The idea was that you should be grateful that you had food in your belly and a roof over your head and to aspire to anything more was wrong and shameful and was the same as trying to tell "God" or your parents that you're not satisfied with your lot and thefore you're ungrateful.

As others say above, go talk to someone about this, if even to just get it out in the open. What our parents expect from us growing up generally shapes how we define our relationships with other people. So if your mother constantly made you feel ungrateful or spoiled, then you're going to spend the rest of your life striving to make others think that you're appreciative and humble but without their confirmation that you are.

CDfm

It is a guilt trip and was emotional blackmail - I am a parent and when I do parenty stuff it is part of my "job". It is also great fun.My kids are young adults now and it still is the business.

LegacyUser

I wonder would this kind of things to be said to kids also be used in industrial schools, I can imagine a nun going 'you are so ungrateful' when they really should have acknowledged how unfortunate this kids were. Hearing this sort of thing when you are a child probably has no relation to if you are actually spoilt, it was probably the other way around. I am not saying that my childhood was as bad as growing up in an industrial school, they suffered so much more abused than just being told they were ungrateful or that they should be grateful. My point is - I agree it is a form of mental abuse.

Even if a child is spoilt it is their parents fault for spoiling them, (although I was not spoilt) and they would still have no right to call them ungrateful, except maybe as in an example mentioned by previous poster, it was a teenager who never helped around the house or accused their parents of not doing what they wanted them to do.

Being told you are ungrateful as a child makes you believe you are unworthy, that there is something lacking inside of yourself that others have naturally and there is nothing you can do about it.

Also it opened me up to accepting other forms of abuse as I grew older, simply because I felt I had no right to feel ungrateful/unhappy in other situations and that they were because of something lacking in me. I was the fault.

LegacyUser

trickywitch wrote: »

Did you ever ask your Mother directly what she meant? I'm not convinced at all that the word ungrateful is a form of abuse or projection. Yes, this could have been said in frustration or even to try and correct a perceived attitude. This could have been said in an attempt (in her mind) to try and benefit you in the long run. Unfortunately nothing seems to have been explained to you - which in turn caused you to dwell on a possible flaw. Could she have meant for you to appreciate what you do have more? My own view is that while some of the support here has been great - turning everything around to be a fault of your mother's is a quick deflection but probably not the best way of looking at it - for you. No-one can insult you or hurt you unless you allow them to and while a Mother's words can certainly stick with you and damage your self esteem, you don't have to be the person she may have thought you were. You are a different person now than you were then and changing all the time. I know it sounds cheesy but you can become the person you want to be.

Sounds a bit insensitive to the OP, it has obviously had a dramatic effect on him and that is enough evidence to see how destructive his mothers behaviour was, its not about blame and there is no need to guilt trip him even more. He has discovered a mistake his mother has made that he has blamed himself for for years, to move on he does need to put the responsibility where it belongs, he did not say she was bad in every area but she got this wrong. Dr. Phil always says it takes a thousand At a boy's to erase one negative put down a parent can make, it is a real experience for the OP and he deserves to be taken seriously.

LegacyUser

It takes a thousand "at a boy's" that Dr Phil said I don't quite get. What is "at a boy's"?

I understand how it might seem like I kind of minor thing or even a normal experience that kids go through when they are being rude or not appreciating what their parents do for them. My problem is that it has really stuck with me and I am still trying to figure it out, as I really took this critisism on board, and always new that I was just being ungrateful. Then I realised, hang on, what was I ungrateful for, in what ways etc.? It is also interesting to point out that this "abuse" started when we had moved to a different town away from all my old friends and a place that I loved, to live with her new husband (who was physically abusive). I hated the new place. That's when I started being told I was ungrateful. I was also made do chores around the house from this age, for example laundry. They had loads of money, the new husband was a rich widower, but they were stingy when it came to food and clothes for me- we basically had fishfingers every day and were made finish the stale bread before the fresh bread could be eaten. I was bought cheap clothes and as this was in an area with many rich kids, the norm was to have designer label clothes. They argued a lot, I felt very lonely away from my previous comfortable and familiar life.

As I was told I was ungrateful, I took it on board. That is probably why it had such a huge effect on me.

Nevyn

If it is effecting you that much then I would suggest that you go work through the issues with a counsellor/therapist.

Taltos

OP - you are basically at a decision point right now.

On the one hand - you can decide to continue as you are. Let this treatment define who you are for the rest of your life.
In this scenario your mother wins for want of a better word.

On the other hand - you are sufficiently self-aware to be able to see that you were mistreated, so now is the hard part - ideally get help for this - but you need to break the cycle, take your head out of its victim state and move beyond the boundaries that have held you back. It's not going to be easy to do this and you will slip back - hence getting good supportive help is ideal.

Right now you are examining your past - that is good. However if it continues it will develop into a wallowing behaviour that many Irish folk of an older generation seem to enjoy. This effectively allows them to be the victim to fate without ever taking full responsibility and bettering their lot.

Seek help - break the cycle and close the door on what was done to you...


In terms of "Atta boy" from Phil - this is a method of praising someone for doing something that is the right thing to do - meant purely as encouragement - "That's the boy, keep on doing that." - Acknowledgement & encouragement - something that your will never receive from your current family - but something you can give yourself... Do it now...

metrovelvet

ungrateful? wrote: »

It takes a thousand "at a boy's" that Dr Phil said I don't quite get. What is "at a boy's"?

I understand how it might seem like I kind of minor thing or even a normal experience that kids go through when they are being rude or not appreciating what their parents do for them. My problem is that it has really stuck with me and I am still trying to figure it out, as I really took this critisism on board, and always new that I was just being ungrateful. Then I realised, hang on, what was I ungrateful for, in what ways etc.? It is also interesting to point out that this "abuse" started when we had moved to a different town away from all my old friends and a place that I loved, to live with her new husband (who was physically abusive). I hated the new place. That's when I started being told I was ungrateful. I was also made do chores around the house from this age, for example laundry. They had loads of money, the new husband was a rich widower, but they were stingy when it came to food and clothes for me- we basically had fishfingers every day and were made finish the stale bread before the fresh bread could be eaten. I was bought cheap clothes and as this was in an area with many rich kids, the norm was to have designer label clothes. They argued a lot, I felt very lonely away from my previous comfortable and familiar life.

As I was told I was ungrateful, I took it on board. That is probably why it had such a huge effect on me.

I think you need to see a family therapist. It sounds like there was a whole system at work. If your step father was physically abusive to you, he may have been to your mother, physically and emotionally and she may have been taking it out on you. It's pretty classic.

LegacyUser

Ok, thank you that is good advice. I was brought up in a different country and the situation might seem weird, although it seems to relate a lot to Irish mentality- no wonder I feel so at home here...

I am going to have a good cry now and pat myself on the back for it. I am female by the way, not that it matters.

Thanks again especially taltos. This has really healed me....

CDfm

A counsellor I know recommends this book Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward to her clients and it gets great reviews

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-Susan-Forward/dp/0553505971

LegacyUser

Hi, Yeah Dr. Phil means that every time a parent critizes a child and if it is only once, it takes a thousands times saying something positive ( 'At a boy' ) to make it right.


OP, it sounds like your issues run deeper, the words of your mother may sum up the general feeling of your childhood, and if you were physically abused by your Stepdad then this is all abusive behaviour, you are not going to feel good about yourself if you have been treated unfairly all your life by your parents.

Therapy is a very good option to explore these issues with a trained professional, and if you have any friends that you can trust open up to them as well,


I was physically abused and verbally abused all my childhood too! the only way i healed from it was to acknowledge what you need to change.

Dr. Phil also says, you cant change what you dont acknowledge!

Sorry for all the Dr. Phil lines! but im just using his words to make a point.


A great book to get and one that really helped me is.... TOXIC PARENTS by Susan Forward, it goes through the physcial abusers and also how to confront them and heal from it.


All the best OP.