him and her asleep together

LegacyUser

Hi

A number of months ago my boyfriend got very drunk in our local with a girl from work. She's a lonely thirty-something, he's in his twenties. They get along great cause apparently she's "funny". This night he didn't come home. He didn't ring. He hung up the phone on me when I rang him. And eventually when he did answer there were sounds like he was on a bed and that someone was beside him (a groan like the phone had woken her up).

He came home the following night drunk, with two friends because he was worried he invited them out to him in the pub to tell them about what happened, and they all came back to our house. I forgave.

The second occasion was after we moved to a new house, he came home after 6 in the morning from her house. Drunk. Claiming he didn't know where he was as he was so drunk.

He is trustworthy. I don't think he would ever chat on me. But why do i have this image of them asleep together after the first instance when I rang him?

They are no longer as friendly.

She no longer calls and texts him as she did before.

This is all too strange...

Advice gladly sought

Kingpin187

could be innocent... although it does sound weird

If this is all that has happened I would give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe even speak to him about your concerns? In a quiet relaxed environment you should be able to tell if you get the truth, at least putting your mind at rest.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply.

I always thought i was innocent.. I just have this niggling feeling in the back of my mind.

I don't even think I could tolerate if he had kissed her. I know she's attracted to him, everyone does , apparently.

But any time I'm on my own and he's out with his friends , I know she's there, and I try not to be the "oh i absolutely must go out every time with him" type of girlfriend. I'm always afraid he'll end up back at her place.



Anyway cheers again

IrishEyes19

OP, why do you call her a lonely thirty something? Are you aware of this or has she problems. I only ask this because your post is very angry. Clearly you need to ask your bf about this straight away. It does sound dodgy to be honest. But you cant blame the girl, your bf has no business being in her bed to be honest.

AnonoBoy

Let's face it, you want us to tell you that she and himself were getting it on. But all you are saying is that you have an image of them asleep together?

Did you ask him what happened those nights and were he did sleep?

Seriously?

Ask him. We can't tell you what happened. The only one that can is your boyfriend.

So be direct and blunt with him and just ask him where he spent those nights and with whom.

Exclamation Marc

Personally I'm completely against other halves and opposite sexes asleep together and I think it's quite a disrespectful thing to do.

You should bring up how you feel and that although you trust him, what he did has left an image in your head of what happened that night. Explain that the sleeping in the same room, lack of answering, groaning and sudden distancing of the girl is very peculiar behaviour from a "taken" man, and that although you don't think he has cheated, he hasn't contributed to a nice image.

And see what he says...

RandyMann

If I spent the night in another girl's bed and have excuses like being drunk and cant remember, my girlfriend would dump me without hesitation.
I would expect to be dumped and I would dump her also if I was treated like that, no excuses.
Get some self respect and wise up.

fungun

If you feel like you have to tell her I would say tell her that you cheated, and although its a lie, I would recommend saying it was with a girl.

if its innocent, why would he hang up?

Im not sure I fully understand your post, you say 'second time' and "I forgave him" as if you know something happened but its not clear from your post what he did. Did he share a bed with her?

Assuming yes its sth I would expect my OH to be unhappy about.
More importantly I would expect to be potentially dumped for:
1) Being in bed with another woman and hanging up on my gf when she rings
2) Being forgiven for doing something and then going out and doing the same thing again

Cheap Thrills!

OP, I'll be blunt. I doubt they slept together and nothing else. It's just not realistic or credible.

I'd say they had a couple of shags and he got cold feet and backed off, hence her not texting as much any more.

Man and woman in bed together, she's attracted to him, come on. It's as obvious as the nose on your face.

It's a red card offence anyway even if his little 'we just shared a bed' fairytale was true.

Black Swan

How long have you been with your b/f? Do you often have open discussions about your relationship? If not, you need to start communicating about this and other issues.

LegacyUser

thanks, 3years nearly. going well for the most part , bar his drinking habits, which seems to get out of hand on occasion, say once every month.

Can't stop thinking of this. If i bring it up he'll get really angry and leave the room.

He'll become irritable. And will then manipulate the story and bring up why I am asking these things.

Do I want to cause problems? No.

Would I like a straight answer? Yes

What do I predict by all of this? He'll say he was so drunk he fell asleep on the couch at her place.

I confronted her before outside the pub (I've been out with her in the group a few times) bascially said "Heard himself fell asleep at yours last night?" and she replied "aw yeah.." Didn't say anyhting else. Made no eye contact.

If i confront her again I don't think I'll get answers as this was a good few months ago now.

miec

Hi Op

Having read your posts I see your boyfriend's behaviour as a bad, bad sign. He is not going to tell you the truth, that is why he gets angry, it is a defence mechanism to get you off his back and so far it works. I would say with almost certainty is that he either had sex or some form of intimacy with her, but also, even sharing a bed with someone is a no-no in my eyes. Why are you staying with someone who shares a bed with another woman, who gets angry at you when you challenge him on it, who passes it off as mad drinking, **** it we've all done the mad drinking thing (well most of us) but we don't all end up in bed with someone else when we are in a relationship (again some of us). I don't buy that. Plus the girl's response is telling. Your gut is telling you something is wrong and your boyfriend is unwilling to give you the answer. Maybe it is time for you to provide the answer yourself - I would suggest asking yourself if one of your friends came to you with this problem, what would be your response. In addition, your boyfriend's actions are not good.

fungun

I agree. You are worried about sth and your bf gets annoyed with you for it?

If it has got to the stage you are posting about it here, its a problem. Your instinct is telling you sth and Id trust that. You say in your initial post 'he is trustworthy' but all your other thoughts suggest the opposite. Sounds like you are a little afraid to face up to what you think you know. He owes you answers to your questions out of basic respect for you as his girlfriend.

And as bad as it might be to face this, its a lot better than facing it in a few years time when there may be kids/houses etc included in the mix.

Cheap Thrills!

He's never gonna give you a straight honest answer. That's not how these things work. People don't volunteer the truth if it's going to be detrimental to them. And if he did volunteer the truth then it would be detrimental to him.

You've got to work with the facts you have and paint in the likely bits in between with your common sense.

They spent two nights together, colleagues were all aware she was attracted to him, drink involved, he gets angry when you confront him (textbook diversionary tactic used by the guilty) your woman is evasive and cant make eye contact when you confronted her.......how much more can it be spelt out to you?

Whatever went on between them seems to be over now but are you going to continue to be made a fool of?

Spending the night in some womans house is out of order. You know deep down what the story is. The decision is yours to make.

Lolnouska

OP - this is really not a nice situation to be in. I agree with all the other replies.

You sound like a nice girl and I feel like he's just taking the absolute piss.
Its easy for me to tell you to dump him - but you really have to.
He shows no respect towards you. (using anger as a defense mechanism/hanging up his phone on you, using the ''I was too drunk to remember'' BS.)
My advice is get rid of him and find someone, no one deserves to be treated like this by their OH.

LegacyUser

I'm a guy and I've watched two female friends behave exactly as you are behaving several times now. When the world and it's mother knew thy were openly sleeping with other women, these girls chose the denial route, create stupid excuses for their boyfriends silence or anger. I will never in a million years understand how any human ring could be that desperate to be in a relationship that they're willing to put themselves in that position. Is it very low self esteem? Lack of self worth? Let's not kid around here op, you know in your heart he had sex with this woman but rather than becoming single you seem to feel you're better with this guy than alone so you're willing to overlook the obvious cheating. Can you explain why you are choosing the denial route? Do you not deserve better?

Emme

Better to be a lonely twenty-something than be a twenty-something with a boyfriend who spends the odd night with a lonely thirty-something because she's "funny". :rolleyes:

Randy Shafter

Hey OP. Your BF's behaviour sounds dodgy regardless of how drunk he was. You need to get a straight answer out of him. He may be using getting annoyed as a way to dodge your questions about it? Maybe tell him to come clean or say its the end between you two.

Distorted

I don't think I'd be happy with a boyfriend who disappeared regularly all night and didn't tell me where he was or answer his phone! Once is bad enough, but to do it again soon after! I'd also be unhappy with the heavy drinking. And I'd be unhappy with the sleeping with another girl and friendship thing. So thats a lot of things I wouldn't put up with in this relationship.

That said, it sounds like it happened quite a while ago and if he isn't doing it now, it might be best to continue and see if it happens again?

kjl

Now wait just a tooting minute.

I am a male, and have often slept in the same bed as my female friends all the time. It's not a big deal, and it certainly has never lead to sex. Now I'm not saying that this is the case with your bf, but it's not out of the ordinary for it to happen despite what cheap thrills says.

Exclamation Marc

kjl wrote: »

Now wait just a tooting minute.

I am a male, and have often slept in the same bed as my female friends all the time. It's not a big deal, and it certainly has never lead to sex. Now I'm not saying that this is the case with your bf, but it's not out of the ordinary for it to happen despite what cheap thrills says.

Yes, but do you have a girlfriend? And is/would she really be ok with that?

kjl

FireballPitcher wrote: »

Yes, but do you have a girlfriend? And is/would she really be ok with that?

Well I don't at the moment, but none of my last gf's cared too much about it. It is possible to be friends with a girl without the need to have sex with them every time you share a bed.

I can understand if you are insecure about your relationship why it would bother you, but most people wouldn't care about such issues.

If the OP trusts her bf, then why is his friend an issue?

The advice boards gives is not always right, you need to figure it out yourself. Talk you your OH, stop waiting time on boards

pollypocket10

kjl wrote: »

Well I don't at the moment, but none of my last gf's cared too much about it. It is possible to be friends with a girl without the need to have sex with them every time you share a bed.

I can understand if you are insecure about your relationship why it would bother you, but most people wouldn't care about such issues.

If the OP trusts her bf, then why is his friend an issue?

The advice boards gives is not always right, you need to figure it out yourself. Talk you your OH, stop waiting time on boards

Have you done a survey of some sort?

Thing is when people grow up the sleep overs with friends end, ime most adults only share a bed with someone they are intimate with.

It doesn't mean that someone is insecure just because they have a problem with that. IMO the problem is with the bf's inappropriate behaviour.

Exclamation Marc

pollypocket10 wrote: »

Have you done a survey of some sort?

Thing is when people grow up the sleep overs with friends end, ime most adults only share a bed with someone they are intimate with.

It doesn't mean that someone is insecure just because they have a problem with that. IMO the problem is with the bf's inappropriate behaviour.

Agree with pollypocket on this one.

Sharing a bed with a member of the opposite sex is a very personal and intimate thing to do. I wouldn't allow anyone into my bed with me apart from someone I'm extremely close to.

Also, I'm quite secure about my relationship with my girlfriend, but there's no way in hell I'd be ok with her sharing a bed with another guy, especially when there's been alcohol involved. To say that unhappiness with allowing another half to do this is down to insecurities is way off.

LegacyUser

kjl wrote: »

Well I don't at the moment, but none of my last gf's cared too much about it.

<snip>

I know when I was younger I didn't care if my OH shared a bed with a friend of thr opposite sex, I trusted them etc. Then I fell in love and realized there was no way I would ever be okay with my OH sharing a bed with someone that wasn't me. That's what defines love and lust, someone you care about and someone you don't.

There is nothing ok about this scenario op, get out now!!

kjl

pollypocket10 wrote: »

Have you done a survey of some sort?

Thing is when people grow up the sleep overs with friends end, ime most adults only share a bed with someone they are intimate with.

It doesn't mean that someone is insecure just because they have a problem with that. IMO the problem is with the bf's inappropriate behaviour.

Well if it's not insecurity, can you please explain why you would have a problem with your OH sharing a bed with a member of the opposite sex?

If there is nothing between them but friendship, then that's the definition of insecurity.

Lets say for example your OH shared a bed with their sibling, would that be ok? Some of my close female friends are like my sister, I have no interest in them sexually, and any gf of mine that would have a problem with a close female friendship would not be my gf for long.

Ickle Magoo

I have close male and female friends and I don't ever have the need to share a bed with them - relationship or no - and I'd imagine most adults are well past the age of sleep-overs with friends or siblings where bed-shares are the order of the day. I don't think it's got anything to with insecurity either, there's a basic respect for a partner that I don't snuggle into/spoon/share a bed with anyone bar my partner but tbh, I can't envisage a situation where given the choice between bed with my partner and bed with someone else that I'd be sharing with anyone else anyway.

OP, I think it's really suss & I think you do too or it wouldn't still be going around in your head. If you can't trust him and he's being really flaky even given the fact he chose to share a bed with someone else rather than come home, I can't see the point of keeping flogging a dead horse. He's not being transparent, he doesn't even come across as being honest...I'm not sure your relationship is salvageable unless you can truly draw a line under things.

All the best

Emme

kjl wrote: »

Now wait just a tooting minute.

I am a male, and have often slept in the same bed as my female friends all the time. It's not a big deal, and it certainly has never lead to sex. Now I'm not saying that this is the case with your bf, but it's not out of the ordinary for it to happen despite what cheap thrills says.

I understand what you're saying. An ex slept with one of his platonic friends (she was very drunk) but I let it go because she was seeing someone else at the time plus ex and this girl had been friends for years and had ample opportunity to get together romantically before that but they really were like brother and sister.

So far so good.

Then he slept with another female friend. He had been supposed to call into me that particular night but stood me up because she dropped in unexpectedly. He hadn't seen her for ages because she worked in Cork, he was in Dublin. They got drunk and he "forgot" to call over to me. The next morning I went up there to find her in his bed. He claimed he didn't sleep there with her but what he did was unforgiveable and I dumped him on the spot.

I don't know if either situation tallies with that of the OP, but my feeling is that what her bf is doing is out of order and she would be better off dumping him. She's too young to be putting up with this kind of nonsense.:mad:

Exclamation Marc

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I have close male and female friends and I don't ever have the need to share a bed with them - relationship or no - and I'd imagine most adults are well past the age of sleep-overs with friends or siblings where bed-shares are the order of the day. I don't think it's got anything to with insecurity either, there's a basic respect for a partner that I don't snuggle into/spoon/share a bed with anyone bar my partner but tbh, I can't envisage a situation where given the choice between bed with my partner and bed with someone else that I'd be sharing with anyone else anyway.

OP, I think it's really suss & I think you do too or it wouldn't still be going around in your head. If you can't trust him and he's being really flaky even given the fact he chose to share a bed with someone else rather than come home, I can't see the point of keeping flogging a dead horse. He's not being transparent, he doesn't even come across as being honest...I'm not sure your relationship is salvageable unless you can truly draw a line under things.

All the best

If I could erase every post in here and just leave one, it would be this one. Easily the most sensible, realistic and truthful post in here.

Elle Collins

kjl wrote: »

Some of my close female friends are like my sister, I have no interest in them sexually, and any gf of mine that would have a problem with a close female friendship would not be my gf for long.

Any bf of mine who made a habit out of going to bed with his female friends would not be my bf for long.