Falling for new/younger girl straight out of 5 year relationship

LegacyUser

Hi there,

Myself and my ex-girlfriend (4 years) broke up during the summer. It was extremely messy, involving a shock long-term infidelity on her part, and was very drawn out with multiple "committed" false re-starts before finally we realised neither of us could work through the issues that existed because of everything that happened, so we called it a day (less than amicably however).

I have since started seeing a girl 6 years my junior (26-20). I know. This isn't ideal for a number of reasons (forget the stigma for a mo), not least due to the fact that I don't even have the time to dedicate to this girl during the week. I know this appears an open and shut case of rebound, but something more is happening. We click like I've never experienced, or even seen before. It started as fun, just sex, talking lots, movies every week etc. But now I'm afraid I'm falling for her, and she's very much full-on towards me, and will probably say the same thing if pushed. My ex doesn't even come into my head anymore. We've even agreed to "be exclusive".

Thing is: I know it can't work... Or can it? I'm very work and study focused now, and while being fairly active on the weekends for my age (still house-partying and clubbing), I don't think I could keep up with her. She's fairly wild (although very down to earth and mature in the "downtime"), smoking hot, likes party drugs on occasion, and goes out during the week too. Could I also ever expect her to be faithful to me at that age? ... or am I just begging for another heartbreak?

I suppose my main query is: How do I sniff out whether this is just a rebound/ego-replenishment after being cheated on... or could this be the real deal so so soon, and in such crazy circumstances? What are the factors that could contribute to me feeling like this about this girl? I've reached the conclusion that I should probably call it a day after this weekend, to protect myself, and my sanity.

Also because I'm definitely starting to get a little possessive and part thinking of her as my girlfriend, and I can't help but feel I'm setting myself up for another fall bcause she's so socially active the whole time. It's times like this that I feel so immature for falling like this for the first girl who shows an interest, and getting possessive. I guess I'd like to be able to attach some sort of psychological cause and effect from my breakup to it...

Thanks,

R

pollypocket10

OP it's understandable given your past that you are wary but, ALL new relationships leave you open to the risk that it won't work out. If it's just this fear holding you back then I would say go for it.

If it's something more and you feel you bare not ready for another relationship then maybe give yourself a little time before jumping in there

magneticimpulse

All relationships have a risk.

However at 20, i dont think she will be thinking of wedding bells. So this will prob be a fun relationship, but maybe not last more then a year or 2. Bare in mind, she is young and im sure she has so much ahead that she wants to do.

When i read "she does "party" drugs", that really makes me think it will not be a stable relationship and you leave yourself open to being cheated on again. I could be wrong, but from boards.ie there have been quite a few incidents where the girl takes drugs and then has sex with other men etc.

So I would be careful about that. You might think its cool, but that would soon wear off if you saw her in front of you getting off with another guy. Drugs make people extremely horny and their judgement is to have fun etc and anything serious goes out the window.

Be careful...dont get too tied up with this girl, take it slow as it does hold a huge risk

babs78

Don't agree with the above post in terms of just becasue the girl does party drugs she will sleep with other men???

Anyway, I think regardless of who you had your first 'relationship' with after your break-up, regardless of their age, you would be wary of getting hurt again and find it hard to trust. Its natural after what you've just been through.

Yes, I don't think this girl would be wanting wedding bells and children in the near future. But, so what. Do you yet??

Speaking from a female perspective, a girl can go out lots and have fun but still remain faithful to her boyfriend. If I were you, I'd take it slow at teh moment and continue having fun without thinking too much about the long-term future just yet and just wait and see how the relationship progresses.

Dimitri

Realistically no one can perdict if she's going to cheat on you or not. However a 6 year age gap really isn't that big at all. It's entirely possible that this is only a rebound but only by engaaging the relationship will you know this for sure, if you opt out now you'll never know and may well miss out on a damn good relationship and even if it is just a rebound relationship and it doesn't work out it may well end up as being a great few months or year spent with somone and doesn't necessarily have to end badly. Whatever else you decide don't let the age gap turn you off, I've been with women a lot younger who were lightyears ahead of me and older women who i found too immature and there is a bigger age gap between my sister and her husband and they are happily married.

izzyflusky

I'd say don't think about it too much and just go with the flow.

When I met my fiance I was 19 (he was a good bit older than me). We met through friend while I was on holidays abroad and I don't know we just clicked. It started as a once off thing since I was leaving the next day but things developed from that despite de distance.

He also had been in a long term relationship before (6 years and engaged) but it didn't work out, she most definitely cheated although not confirmed. Anyway, he also wondered about the relationship since there was a big age gap and the distance to ad to the mix but we just went with it and now we are planning our wedding for next year.

I'm not saying the same thing will happen here, but you never know.

Moomoo1

you might be setting yourself up for a fall, but is that a reason to not enjoy the ride?

of course not.

LegacyUser

Tbh, 6 years gap at that age - not a big deal at all. I've seen relationships with bigger age gaps working out perfectly well.

You're feeling possessive because you've been cheated on. That's all. Not surprising really, is it?

Party drugs = cheating? I think you're just hearing alarm bells again because you've been betrayed. I did many, many party drugs when I was younger, and went out socialising without my BF all the time - never cheated, not once, was never even tempted.

I say go for it. Clicking with someone, really clicking is rare - don't let a ****ty experience from the past ruin it for you - grab it and see where it goes.

S23

It can work of course. However, if I was in your shoes I'd be questioning the long term viability of a realtionship with a 20 year old. Chances are she's not going to want to be pinned down long term at her age. That's not to say she might not want to be but chances are she may have a lot of things she wants to do and see and some wild oats still to sow.

Can someone clear up for me what 'party drugs' are? Am I completely out of the loop and missing something here? Or is she just taking 'normal' drugs while at parties?

Cheap Thrills!

Ah OP, why not relax and enjoy it. I am also in an age gap relationship, started the same way as yours and still going strong more than 3 years later, bigger age gap than yours too.

Like you I was riddled with doubt at the start. It's nerve wracking learning to trust someone younger and hotter ! lol Got the t-shirt but if you're going to enjoy it, enjoy it and dont torture yourself!

She may suprise you bigtime or maybe it'll not work out but you'll have a lot of fun on the way and lets face it at 26 and male you have plenty of time to take the chance!

Keep your head screwed on BUT lose that possesive streak because it'll make her run a mile.

HavingCrack

S23 wrote: »

Can someone clear up for me what 'party drugs' are? Am I completely out of the loop and missing something here? Or is she just taking 'normal' drugs while at parties?

Usually party drugs refer to amphetamines,ecstasy, cocaine, ketamine, mephedrone etc rather than something like heroin or crack.

LegacyUser

Firstly 6 years isn't that big of an age gap! Secondly, what has age got to do with her being faithful? I met my husband when i was 19 (11 years ago now!) and I/we used to go out all the time, take 'party' drugs as you call them and I never cheated on him. True I wasn't really thinking wedding bells back then but that happened over time. It sounds like everything is good with this new girl but you are overanalysing because of your last relationship! I think you should just try to relax and enjoy it - and assume that she means when she says she wants to be 'exclusive', after all you seem to mean it, why should she be any different!?!

S23

HavingCrack wrote: »

Usually party drugs refer to amphetamines,ecstasy, cocaine, ketamine, mephedrone etc rather than something like heroin or crack.

LMFAO.

Okay thanks for clearing that up. I take it the implication is that it's 'alright' to take 'party drugs' because it's only a bit of fun or something as opposed to heroin or crack?

Cocaine and ecstacy are still Class A and I think amphetamines are Class B. Ridiculous refering to them as 'party drugs'. She takes drugs end of story. Now maybe it's not an issue for him but it would be for me. Some ar**hole who gets coked or yoked off their head because they are at a party wouldn't be for me.

If he's alright with it then fine. I wouldn't say she will cheat because she takes drugs. However, when you take mind/mood altering substances theres every chance she could go off and do any range of things.

Soul Stretcher

Without meaning to sound too harsh OP, this seems to be yet another example of people kicking themselves in the goolies !

The betrayal by your Ex has nothing to do with this girl. Either she rocks your boat or she doesn't. Unless you are still in deep pain from the breakup and unable to form a relationship, I would say go for it. Evidently you are getting on just fine up to this point.

The only problem is your interest in self-sabotage (which is very common btw).

Let's recap:

• You were let down by your Ex.
• Time has passed since the summer.
• You're getting it on with a young hot stunner who seems like a whole lotta fun.
• Everything is going well.

Where is the problem ??

Why can't you see her as a ray of sunshine coming into your life ? Sent by the Heavens to help you have some fun after the trauma of your break-up ? As opposed to being a conniving so-and-so only out to hurt you ?

Tbh, OP, if you don't reign in this self-doubt/paranoia, you'll probably end up driving her away anyway.

Hope you can give yourself a fresh start and enjoy the gift you've gotten !

chainsaws

Stop being so paranoid.
You are young. Go have some fun.
The only mistake you made was to get tied down with a girl at the age of twenty-two.
You can go out with twenty year old girls until you are 65 if you want to.