Hatred of Ex, and I don't want Reconcilation or to Forgive.

LegacyUser

Bit of a douche for posting this, touched on it before. Feeling like a proper twat now!

I have an Ex, recent enough who I have to see around on a weekly basis. Okay, awkward enough to turn around or look out a window and see an ex. No avoiding this, unfortunately. We don’t talk anymore, used to nod but now we just walk on without any form of acknowledgement.

Allot of mutual acquaintances as well.

The real problem is I can’t stand the sight of her, the constant reminders and all the rest. Id really rather we never saw each other again! The reason for this is two parts, her faults and mine.

During the course of the relationship I got elbowed, kicked, punched, slapped, lied to, cheated on, manipulated, personal information spread to others, used as a free meal, said some stuff about friends and family, digs at their personal issues and anything else you can think of. Not to mention in the end her sheer indifference to it all, lied point blank despite the obvious, what was the point?! Pretty much got a wee laughing at and shove on it’s not my fault. Treated like utter dirt without the pretences.

Just to explain why this relationship lasted, well I ignored allot of stuff and chose to believe her excuses and lies instead, friends started to get wise to it though I did not tell them much. They just noticed she would not stick around much with them. I had inkling and gut feelings, but always chose to ignore them as been in my own head. She did her best too, always asking that I not discuss our “issues” with others.

Pretty slow to the point, took a while to cop all of it, was angry about the cheating in the end and never really dealt with the rest. Now the cheating seems small compared to everything else.

While I keep allot of this to myself, too embarrased to tell others, she of course made herself out as the good daddy’s girl.

Yeah I’m an idiot, and never properly confronted her despite breaking up with her eventually, and it’s like a constant reminder of it all now and my own mistakes now! I really don’t do this taking the high road business as it turns out.

CDfm

OP -there is a website www.amen.ie with a helpline on the whole guys as victims of Domestic Violence thing.

You are not alone and female on male DV is just as prevalent as male on female.Whatever the gender of the perpetrator it os equally wrong.

Mary Cleary who started the group also has a book on it www.thatbitchbook.com


Bullet dodged and you shouldnt be as secretive about her behavior as it was totally out of order.

There is also a free ebook http://www.thatbitchbook.com/free_ebook_download.html

Mmmoments

HI OP, I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. She's 100% wrong here..you have nothing to feel like a twat about. It is right and normal to expect a decent relationship and to expect someone to treat you properly. This is emotional abuse.
You need to forgive to get over it though and she has power over you while you hate her and hold it against her. it's not until you don't give a sh1t about her anymore that you'll be free. And you know she's not actually worth hating..it takes so much emotional energy you must be completely drained all the time. Ask yourself why is she important enough to hate?
Do not allow someone so cruel to turn you into a bitter person.
Remember you did not and do not deserve to be treated that way.
I hope things improve for you op.

Be well

Wagon

Mmmoments wrote: »

You need to forgive to get over it though and she has power over you while you hate her and hold it against her.

Easier said then done. Having someone laugh at you after they have dragged you through the dirt and crapped on your face at the end of it all is almost impossable to "forgive".

What you need to do is confront the bitch and ask her for an explaination. She will laugh at you again, and it's that time that you want to point out all the things to her that you have been dying to say for the last while. What you want to leave her with is, not that you hate her, but that there is at least one person in the world who woulnd't give a damn if she stopped breathing tomorrow. Trust me, you'll feel better and that bitch will have that in her head.

Then you can rest easy knowing that you've set the tables straight and get on with your life. You'll meet someone better down the line.

CDfm

I would not go down the confrontation route at all -its not worth it & what would it prove.

OP what is the reason why you are coming in contact with her each week and getting embroiled in this.

There is nothing wrong with countering what she says to others with the truth but dont go out of your way.

i.need.a.job

I'm in your suituation. Except my ex keeps phoning me telling me he wants me back. This has gone on for the last two years. And I give him another chance, and he ruins it again. Why am I giving him another chance time and time again? Because I know that if he is with me I can make him unhappy, if he isnt with me, he is out enjoying himself. Selfish? Yes. Why? Because after years of abuse, lies, cheating, more lies, etc, I am bitter. HE has made me bitter. I know I sound like I'm crazy, I am not. I just hate him. Its almost like a game. Please let go of your girlfriend before this happens to you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, had a look at the E Book, scarily the description of a Sociopath in the book suits my Ex down to the ground, even now its still hard to believe, like how could she really be one? But she has allot of the traits, including the little one's. Background fits as well judging by her parents

We attend the same college.

After the break up I felt hurt but not heartbroken, I knew it was for the best, but did not really comprehend everything she did, still made excuses for it all.

Now I do feel heartbroken, sound overly dramatic but feels like a burning anger/hatred in its place now.

Mmmoments

i.need.a.job wrote: »

Because after years of abuse, lies, cheating, more lies, etc, I am bitter. HE has made me bitter. I know I sound like I'm crazy, I am not. I just hate him. Its almost like a game]

That's exactly how these people hold power over you...hate is a really strong emotion and someone who treats you in this way does not deserve you to feel any emotion towards them.

Re-assess yourself and look at how much you have to offer to someone worthwhile..re-gain some confidence in you. Remember that the opinion of a person who can be so cruel to you just isn't worthwhile.

You deserve better, (both OP and i.need.a.job)

LighterGuy

reconcilation wrote: »

...During the course of the relationship I got elbowed, kicked, punched, slapped, lied to, cheated on, manipulated, personal information spread to others, used as a free meal, said some stuff about friends and family, digs at their personal issues and anything else you can think of. Not to mention in the end her sheer indifference to it all, lied point blank despite the obvious, what was the point?! Pretty much got a wee laughing at and shove on it’s not my fault. Treated like utter dirt without the pretences.

Just to explain why this relationship lasted, well I ignored allot of stuff and chose to believe her excuses and lies instead, friends started to get wise to it though I did not tell them much. They just noticed she would not stick around much with them. I had inkling and gut feelings, but always chose to ignore them as been in my own head. She did her best too, always asking that I not discuss our “issues” with others.

Pretty slow to the point, took a while to cop all of it, was angry about the cheating in the end and never really dealt with the rest. Now the cheating seems small compared to everything else....

Everyone has been there op. To be "blind" to such obvious things in a relationship. It especially hurts when the person ends up cheating on you. You beat yourself up because you saw it coming, but chose to believe the person (going against your instincts & common sense)
Op, i've been there too with my last ex. We're on the same page.

reconcilation wrote: »

....While I keep allot of this to myself, too embarrased to tell others, she of course made herself out as the good daddy’s girl.

Yeah I’m an idiot, and never properly confronted her despite breaking up with her eventually, and it’s like a constant reminder of it all now and my own mistakes now! I really don’t do this taking the high road business as it turns out.

This is sadly what people are op. If you skim the top layer of a person you'll see their true colours. Out of every relationship that ends badly... 99.9% of people blame the other. Even when a person cheats they'll still blame the other partner :rolleyes:

But dont worry about your mistakes. It is our mistakes that shape us. Make us. If I were to ask you "would you let another women do this to you?" you'd say "f*ck no" (Sometimes we only learn when we get burned)

But op, the best advice you can get is to make yourself better. Heck, most of us in life have been cheated on. As I say myself too. But you dont just take it. You make yourself better, easier said than done but you have try to light a fire under your a**. Rather than letting it bring you down. I was hung up over a girl for 9 months. Because she lied to me, cheated on me and used me .... But I learned. I was the same as you. Had enough reason to not trust this person. But I chose to be blind to it.

I will tell you something tho, I will never get those 9 months back. To be sad and drinking alot.. for what? to come to the realisation that I was dating a wa*ker. Sure I knew that as soon as it happened.

So op, to hell with this girl. Breakups are like a game. There are winners and losers. How does one win? ... they gain more, be more happy. Many a person has took a bad relationship and made themselves better - Got someone more hotter, more successful, heck.. Some have even got famous (a few successful actors attribute their success to being hurt by a bad relationship at one point which gave them the drive to go out and get what they wanted - and thats according to their biographies)

Kimono-Girl

reconcilation wrote: »

Now I do feel heartbroken, sound overly dramatic but feels like a burning anger/hatred in its place now.

as hard as it is don't hate, hatred will make it harder to move on.

one thing i always believed is 'the opposite to love is indifference not hate' and i found it to be completely true, hating her requires effort,energy directed in her direction, its a waste of your time and thoughts!

until you feel indiffrence towards her, when you truly don't care if she's sitting across the room from you and you find yourself treating her like you would a stranger then that's when i believe you are over a person.

CDfm

Ahem - OP you havent done wrong here and you were on the recieving end and not dishing it out.

OP -you did well and have values and adult relationships are not a schoolyard and retaliation or reconciliation doesn't work. Your feelings/emotions are normal shock, shame ,guilt ,blame etc.It just happens you were unlucky and around 1 in 25 of people are like that from both genders -that means that 24 out of 25 are not.

What I am saying is you have no duty of secrecy to someone like this and you do not retaliate but you can exclude. As an adult you can say to friends " X is a nutter & she creeps me out" so if there is a party at your house etc X is excluded or if you are at a pub or club and she comes to the table you and your friends are at then that is cheeky.Again, get a friend to ask her to move.

I don't know if you have someone you can talk to ,like an older brother or sister maybe as it may help you just to say it someone what happened. Isthere is a councelling service where you are at college but if you need to -talk to them- if there isnt ring one of the helplines or talk to your GP.

Tempus fugit -time passes and it will become a bad memory and in all likeliehood you wont come accross someone like this again.

Good for you for posting OP.

TitoPuente

Speaking from recent experience, an involvement with an emotionally abusive women is nothing short of a traumatic nightmare. Even long after it's over. Everyone, men and women, should read up on personality disorders and the insideous terrorism that some people can inflict on those that they're supposed to care about. I didn't even know what personality disorders or textbook emotional abuses were until recently. Now I know all about it and it ain't nice.

OP - the key here is to get over your hatred and bitterness, move on and enjoy your life and don't let it change you. Just be cautious in future that you don't attract one of these damaged, sociopathic types.