Erection Problems and Emotional Troubles

LegacyUser

Right so this isn't the usual thread about erection problems. It's not that I can't get one...it's that I can't not get one, or lose one rather.

There's this girl. I really like her. She's absolutely gorgeous and is so much fun to be around. We're sort of seeing each other for a while but it's not really official - whatever it is, it's not important. The main part is that we both like each other a lot.

Anyways, any time I have any form of physical contact with her I, for want of a better way of describing it, get a boner I can't get rid of. Like if she holds my hand...I get an erection, if she touches my arm...I get an erection. I've been clothes shopping with her and she gets changed in front of me sometimes...guess what. Except then it's even harder to lose because I have the image of her half naked in my head for the next hour. One time she kissed me out of the blue and ye...I nearly jizzed myself (sorry for the crudeness there). I don't think she minds at all - well I'm sure she doesn't - any time we're making out guess what's pressing against her waist...but at the same time, I find it really embarrassing and awkward - especially when we're walking down the street and i have a raging boner. It's not that I don't want her to give me one (that sounds so weird btw) but at the same time I don't want one all the time.

We haven't done anything further than "heavy petting" yet and I just feel that if we go much further I'll be like Jim from American Pie and I'll jizz in my pants. Actually I know I will. If she even touches there it'll probably go off. I know if that happens I'll be mortified.

I'm 21 - it's not as if I haven't been up to any shenanigans in the past but this is the first time that I've ever gotten involved with someone who I have a strong emotional connection to - first relationship I've ever had I suppose is a better way of putting it.

Any advice is welcome, I really like this girl and I don't want my own thoughts and worries to ruin this for me. I should add that I'm quite shy about broaching topics like sex - actually I'm terrified of asking her that question. I also find it difficult to talk about topics that reveal my emotions on something. It's hard to explain why but I find it very difficult to have conversations where I have to reveal my feelings and lay them bare. It's not that I won't do it, but I could be sitting there for about 20 mins (no exaggeration) trying to say something and saying nothing and then to have it all rush out at once.

I know she's been on dates and had relationships before me so she's much more experienced at this than I am. I wonder all the time if I'll screw this up and she'll dump me because of all my worries. She has no end of people asking her out. Every day people are trying to ask her out. It doesn't bother me because I trust her but at the same time I'm afraid she'll get fed up of my hesitancy eventually. Even though I realise this, I can't seem to rectify it. I shouldn't be hesitant at all at this stage yet I can't help myself.

She's an emotional girl. I mean that in a good (and bad - don't annoy her:)) way. She's fantastic and is very caring, but I can tell there's been times where she's been exasperated by my actions, or rather lack of. Either I'm too shy to act on her signals, or I'm too stupid to pick up on them. I've lost track of the number of times that I've had a chance to have sex with her that I didn't take, only to lie awake in bed for hours kicking myself and vowing never to mess that up again...then to make the same mistake again the next day.

There are times where I hate the fact that she's had boyfriends before me. I don't know why I feel this way, but I know that it's not a good thing to think and not a good way to feel. How do I stop myself thinking about that - that she's likely to have had intimate relationships with them before me, that she's loved them in the past? It's not productive and I have a feeling that it could manifest into bitterness and hatred which is not what I want at all.

Any advice is welcome, I realise this is kinda 2 topics in one. Didn't intend it to be when I started writing but that's the way it all came out. I really don't want to push her away. I really believe she is someone worth fighting for and that we could have something very special together. She's the type of girl who comes along once in a blue moon. I don't want my stupid problems to ruin everything.

Please help me.

up for anything

I'm not sure if this is good advice but what about a spot of masturbation before meeting up with her or while with her duck out to the loo and knock one off. Surely, then you might be less capable of reacting to her touch and presence and less likely to 'embarrass' yourself.

seamus

awkwardguy wrote: »

The main part is that we both like each other a lot.

Remember that.

Anyways, any time I have any form of physical contact with her I, for want of a better way of describing it, get a boner I can't get rid of.

You find her intensely attractive. This is a good thing and if you tell her this, she will love it.

I've been clothes shopping with her and she gets changed in front of me sometimes...guess what. Except then it's even harder to lose because I have the image of her half naked in my head for the next hour.

Don't worry about this one. I've been with my OH 11 years and I have the same problem when we go shopping. She's half-naked in front of you - of course you'll be aroused. She probably knows it too!

I don't think she minds at all - well I'm sure she doesn't - any time we're making out guess what's pressing against her waist...but at the same time, I find it really embarrassing and awkward

She doesn't mind. She in fact enjoys it because she knows that you find her very attractive. I've never met a girl who was anything but flattered and delighted to feel an erection when kissing their boyfriend.

If she even touches there it'll probably go off. I know if that happens I'll be mortified.

That's a problem, but it's not nearly as big a problem as you think it is. Again, she will likely be very happy that you find her so attractive, though she might be a little disappointed that it was over so soon. The above poster actually gives good advice - if you're meeting her and you think it's likely to get hot and heavy, take a bullet out of the gun. Two if necessary. At your age anyway, you'll probably go off once by accident, then you can give her some time and ten minutes later, you're good to go again. As I say, going off by accident the first time is not necessarily a bad thing. A woman partially gauges her man's interest in her by how quickly he does go off. It only becomes a problem when he's always done too early - your problem will die down very quickly when you start getting intimate with this girl. Dive in.

I should add that I'm quite shy about broaching topics like sex - actually I'm terrified of asking her that question. I also find it difficult to talk about topics that reveal my emotions on something.

You're not alone. Many people, particularly young men have exactly the same problem. We're not used to exposing that part of ourselves for other people to see. There's the constant worry that we will be laughed at and because it's such a deep part of ourselves, that laugh would crush us. But this girl likes you and you like her - you don't have to tell her your deepest, darkest thoughts, but discussing sex with her you'll find that she is just as insecure as you are around the whole thing and it will connect the two of you on a much deeper level.
Face your fear and do it anyway.

Discussing it with her is probably the best way to make all of this go away. It's going to be difficult and you're going to be embarrassed and feeling like fainting while you're saying it, but it'll be quick, and then it's all over. Be upfront with her. Tell her that you find her so bloody attractive that you feel like you're going to explode when she hugs you (literally). Tell her that you want to take it further, but you're worried that you won't last five seconds. Do it privately - get a night where it's just the two of you, cuddled up on the couch somewhere, watching TV, no-one else around, and just turn to her and say, "I have something I need you to know..."

Twenty tiny seconds later, it'll all be out in the open, and she will most likely "encourage" you to release your worries. Figuratively.

Naturally, avoid being crude - use clear but gentlemanly language (unless she usually talks like a sailor). "Boner" is OK but avoidable, "hard cock" is not to be used, neither is "jizz".

There are times where I hate the fact that she's had boyfriends before me. I don't know why I feel this way, but I know that it's not a good thing to think and not a good way to feel. How do I stop myself thinking about that - that she's likely to have had intimate relationships with them before me, that she's loved them in the past?

Again, this is quite normal. You'll get over it. Your own personal insecurity is what drives this, you feel that if she has been intimate with someone in the past, then what makes you special, what's to stop her moving onto the next guy? I've no real advice for this one except to keep telling yourself that she's with you, that she finds you attractive. As you grow older and more experienced in life, this insecurity will go away.

CDfm

OP you are a 21 year old guy with loads of hormones which all seem to race to the one place.

Don't you think she has kind of noticed and knows this bit chooses not to say it.

One thing that I noticed about your post is that you talk about what you do together and while you havent said it you think she is the one and you are taking things at their own pace and being responsible.

You are doing all the right things and things will happen and settle down in their own good time.

Oh , and how to bring the subject up -well just tell her that you have something you want to talk to her about have been getting a "panhandle" at times and have been really embarressed about it. You will probably blurt it out and everything will make sense to her then.

Good luck and 21 is a great age.

awkwardguy

awkwardguy wrote: »

Anyways, any time I have any form of physical contact with her I, for want of a better way of describing it, get a boner I can't get rid of. Like if she holds my hand...I get an erection, if she touches my arm...I get an erection. I've been clothes shopping with her and she gets changed in front of me sometimes...guess what......

Me too. I thought it was normal when you are with someone you are that attracted to. And I can tell you now that if it makes you feel any better, the girls I am with know this and do not care in the slightest. Your issue, I can assure you, is a non-issue. In fact you are lucky to have someone who makes you feel that way, so go with it and enjoy it.

You want advice? Sure thing. Wear looser pants, its more comfortable when this comes on

seamus

Deleted User wrote: »

You want advice? Sure thing. Wear looser pants, its more comfortable when this comes on

Personally I'd be inclined to got for tighter pants with less give. Loose or strechy pants tend to result in a tent being pitched which is impossible to hide. Well-fitting jeans on the other hand allow you to keep it pinned down into a discreet bulge. YMMV.

seamus

seamus wrote: »

Personally I'd be inclined to got for tighter pants with less give. Loose or strechy pants tend to result in a tent being pitched which is impossible to hide. Well-fitting jeans on the other hand allow you to keep it pinned down into a discreet bulge. YMMV.

Hehe true. I meant underpants however. While having it pinned down under jeans it is nice if the space it is pinned down in is at least a little roomy and you are not being hard pressed head first into a wall of cloth

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice, it's much appreciated. I'll talk to her about it when I get the chance.

I know it's going to seem all "unmanly" and all but I'm terrified of this conversation. I'm thinking about the talk now and I'm terrified of it, when I get to actually having it.....I know I'm going to freeze. I'll start to say something...then stop say nothing for for about 10 minutes before blurting it all out at once. I know it. She'll be ok with it...I hope.

I've tried the heavier pants option, that helps a lot:) I'm never going swimming with her ha...just kidding I have actually done so and, luckily there wasn't anyone else around and I covered it with my t-shirt.

I don't know if I'm slightly immature for my age or what...as I've said before I'm quite shy but also, in general, I've noticed that I "act differently" around people younger than me. Hmmm... I need to explain that better. It's not that I'm a different person, not at all but say I find it easier to be able to make people a year or two younger than me laugh. It's as if I'm subconsciously more confident around them than I am around people my age. Yeah, I don't know if that makes sense at all. I'm not boring but I seem to be more fun with and get more laughs off people younger than me. And yes, these are genuine laughs for you doubters;)

What I'm trying to tie in is that is it possible to be perceived as more confident by peers a year or two younger than you than it is by those your own age? My girlfriend is nearly a year younger than me if that has anything to do with it.

I know this is sorta off topic but it's to do with these preconceptions I get in my head about things that are ridiculous before I stop and think "hang on, this is stupid, what am I thinking" - for instance for ages I had it in my head that I couldn't go out with a girl older than me because she was older than me. Stupid isn't it?

Again, thanks for all the help. It's very refreshing to be able to get this off my chest here. I tried visiting a counsellor in college a few years ago and I found it very difficult to open up my problems to her - mainly because she was right there in front of me. The anonymous nature of the internet makes it easier for me to open up I find.

namelessweirdo

im not sure if i can help you with all of your problems because im a girl, and so dont know about hiding erections, but I would definitely to advise you to relax and talk to this girl. The things that I have found most difficult in the past was men being too afraid to talk to me about their feelings and about sex. I would be relieved if a guy discussed his problems so don't be embarrassed. My ex had the opposite problem though when we started going out, and I think that is way more frustrating! His problem seemed to be from taking certain substances rather than anything else though.

But anyway, dont be scared and she should be relieved you are being honest. I still resent my ex's a bit for their lack of honesty, even now.:( so be honest and communicate and if she doesnt appreciate it, shes crazy!

CDfm

awkwardguy wrote: »

I don't know if I'm slightly immature for my age or what...as I've said before I'm quite shy but also, in general, I've noticed that I "act differently" around people younger than me. Hmmm... I need to explain that better. It's not that I'm a different person, not at all but say I find it easier to be able to make people a year or two younger than me laugh. It's as if I'm subconsciously more confident around them than I am around people my age. .

Thats a confidence thing in that you find it easier to be yourself. So you take a risk and say something. It just means you have to take the same risks with your peer group. You will probably get the same reaction.

seamus

awkwardguy wrote: »

What I'm trying to tie in is that is it possible to be perceived as more confident by peers a year or two younger than you than it is by those your own age? My girlfriend is nearly a year younger than me if that has anything to do with it.

People don't perceive your confidence, you project it.

You probably are more confident around people a little younger than you. Growing up, the standard schoolyard hiearchies are built on age and size. Older kids have authority over younger kids and bigger kids have authority over smaller kids. It's natural when you're coming out of your teens to still have this mindset (no you're not immature!) and to find yourself more confident around them. You probably still feel to a certain extent that people who are in their mid-20s are somehow "higher" than you and you still have the concept of "grown-ups" when referring to parents and other older people.

As CDfm says, you have more confidence around them, so you're more open to being yourself. He gives good advice on that front - take risks with your peers, speak up (if only once a day) and you will find that they respond to you just as well as those younger than you. This will help build your confidence.

In the next few years, you will realise that you are in fact a "grown up" and you'll consider most other "grown ups" to be your equals, whether they're 21 or 71.

You are analysing stuff quite in-depth, overanalysing to a certain extent. It's not a bad thing - it shows that you have a strongly analytical and thoughtful personality. It can help though from time to time to switch off that part of your brain and do stuff without thinking. It's freeing because when you analyse there's always the risk of overanalysing and getting caught in a loop before you even take any action.