worried about my dad

LegacyUser

ok this is going to be a long story! I apologize in advance for ranting, I hate writing this but theres no1 i can talk to about it and its getting to me..ok....my dad is diabetic, he drinks a lot, smokes a lot and eats out a lot, he also has high blood pressure, high cholesterol and is on loads of tablets. Hes obviously high risk of heart attack and stroke and has a lot of family history of it.

Im really worried as since the weekend hes been quite sick and its scaring me because it sounds a bit like the oncoming of a heart attack.he never usually admits to feeling sick so I know its bad when he says it and i can see it.but theres no talking to him,he wont go to the doctor,half the time when he does go to the doctor i can tell hes not truthful with them anyway,its like hes trying to convince himself hes fine,hes always blaming the tablets for feeling bad or something else silly, like if hes sick after a night of heavy drinking he'l blame something he ate! its just so frustrating, hes impossible to talk to, his moods are awful, sometimes (rarely) hes nice but then most of the time he barely speaks and theres an awful atmosphere in the house. his moods can switch within seconds.he can be very nasty towards my mother, the moods are more aimed at her and sometimes its like hes extra nice to me and then cuts the nose off her like hes tryin to make her feel worse.

I dont know how she copes with it, she has admitted it makes her feel depressed 2 but she feels sorry for him,and shes still as nice as pie to him while he treats her like ****. I cant help feeling sorry for him as well though.

I dont know what it is, Id say most people wouldnt if they were treated like that, but he is my dad i suppose at the end of the day. Worst part is hes so nice to every1 else, like neighbours,other family members,he puts on such a show, no1 has a clue what hes realy like. he can act realy depressed as well.

Ive often been awake worrying about him at night as he doesnt sleep well, hes always up and back to bed through the night,he coughs and splutters in his sleep and i think hes going to choke,probly to do with the drink.

My mother says its like his nerves are bad because he jumps and lashes out in his sleep and has often thumped her or grabbed hold of her and wudnt let go.its scary.i worry for her safety because of the way he acts towards her.its like he hates her.the only time he might be nice is if hes drunk or theres people around.

My head is just wrecked over the whole thing.its been like this since i can remember, i was terrified of him when i was little but its so weird because he cud also be a lovely caring dad, its like theres two personalities. Everyone goes on about how spoiled I was and hes so good to me, and he is, hes always provided for me, and as i said he can be nice, I know he realy cares about me and would do anything for me, but id rather have had a happy family growing up than material things,they have no idea.

He has no work now anyway and is still spending as if he does so thats going to end in disaster too and add to the depression. It just seems to be one thing on top of the other.and while the worry about his health is really getting me down so is the stress of the way he carries on, I feel responsible for staying with and looking after my mother and have done all my life, when my friends suggest holidays all i can think of is will she be ok if i go or do i want to leave her at all and i feel so anxious when i do go out, and i remember feeling the same in school. Its really getting to me and i have no idea what to do only talk about it here see if anyone else has a similar situation.

Exclamation Marc

Well I can slightly relate to some of the issues you have with your Dad in relation to his health as mine went through a similar unhealthy patch last year, and it was only that he contracted blood poisoning and was a couple of minutes away from death (literally)from a routine prostate exam under anaesthetic that he got a scare and decided to sort out some of his health issues.

My dad is quite stubborn too, love him to bits but pre-incident he was his own man and like your dad was impossible to get through to at times. He was from the "I know best" lineage.

Your dad seems to have other issues as well including the drinking and the money etc, but all I can say is that the only thing that changed my Dads perception was a shock to his core. I don't really know how you can do this, because the one mine experienced was brought upon him luckily or unluckily however you want to look at it. You need to sit down with your mum and siblings and maybe his family if he's close with them and try to stage some sort of intervention, because the issues he's facing won't go away (like most Dads think they will)

An intervention does seem dramatic, but his stubborness dictates something extreme or heavy handed to try to get through to him. The main thing is that you're doing it because you love him and its not a personal gain, its for him.

Sorry I can't really give more advice than that, but having been in somewhat similar circumstances I know how hard it can be to try to formulate some sort of gameplan to deal with it but you have to shock him or hit him hard with something and arranging some sort of intervention in his bad ways may be the only solution. If he's violent to your mother regularly, you may need to talk to her as well showing your worry for her health and that her simply putting up with it may be enabling his behaviour. Its a horrible thing to say, but if someone gets away with certain behaviour, they're more inclined to act that way.

cbmonstra

I read your post a while ago, but didn't reply as I have no advice to give you.

I was glad when I saw it pop up here again though, because I could have written your post word for word about my own dad.

It's hard to deal with and scary, and i really don't know what to do either. My Dad has convinced himself that the pains he gets from the hardening of his arteries and from the alcohol is arthritis.

While he doesn't have diabetes, everything else you said, from the mood swings, to the jumping in his sleep happens.

I really hope you get some good advice and can help your dad. I feel mine might be a lost cause...

Sorry I had no advice to give, just want you to know that I understand what you're going through.

All the best